hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

• HelltakerHomosexual (9/16 - 9/22)
• GayTuckerCarlson (9/23 - 9/29)
• Luna* (9/30 - 10/6)
• Eco* (10/7 - 10/13)
• oscardejarjayes* (10/14 - 10/20)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I want to thank all of you. Without Hexbear, and with the community here, I don't think I would be posting this. I don't feel like getting into the details, but my egg cracked this weekend. I'm not sure yet who exactly I want to be yet, all I know is that I am scared but I am so happy.

Hi trans mega! Was posting under a different name here related to my deadname and had to let that go. Was trying to hang onto the past.

Finally settled on a first and last name a few days ago. And it's alleviated so much doubt and dysphoria.

Feeling comfortable in my skin and loving being trans. Love wearing beautiful outfits. Love the presence of being tall and confident and trans. Finding more safe spaces and letting more bullshit go.

Love my trans comrades! Thanks for the help with the awkwardness of my freshly cracked egg the last few months.

I have something wonderful to show you all… TRANSFEM SHADOW

Source

This tran just signed their name change petition!

Update: I can't believe I actually did it. My anxious ass actually went and did it. I came out to my boss and she was suuuuper accepting and wonderful

The girl I had plans with who dropped off the face of the earth had gotten her phone stolen and had no other means of communication. She apologized and said she'll make it up to me by buying dinner and having a full girls night Glad I didn't listen too much to the irrational part of my brain thay said she suddenly hated me for no good reason.

Trans is so communist coded to me I can't fathom that there are lib trans people. The only time I have really been involved in a trans community is here, so all my trans peeps have been commies.

Got a date for my top surgery. It's in just a little over 2 months. Christmas is going to be interesting with the family.

My surgeon also somehow managed to get my mons plasty covered by insurance. That is a surgery that is almost universally considered cosmetic. That man is a magician, I swear.

First HRT consultation on Friday

My dad really said to me "women are strange creatures". He fr thought that would fly. My entire family thinks I am still the fifteen year old boy from like a decade ago, even though it's increasingly evident from observing me that I am Unsafe Dyke, Keep Clear.

I was justified in not looking forward to election season. My trans lit class is full of white libs lol.

The rehab I went to was a shit show. Incompetent on every level. They dead named and misgendered me constantly AND put me in a room with two cis men. Guess who has a home run criminal discrimination case? This girl! But being real, it was both crushing and infuriating to constantly be discriminated against. I kind of blew the fuck up on the staff before I left, and that felt good.

We got another trans kid in! (Not for a happy reason, but it's always nice to see them)

My one coworker was surprised when I talked about my coming out??? I'm not stealth, I've made no effort to hide it, Im quite open, I wear a pride pin to work... Anyway, that felt nice to know I passed lol

Love how the trans megathread isn’t always just posting about transgender things, it’s also where the transes go to post! Love our little corner of the interwebs.

huh

4 months of HRT and I just... don't see a man in the mirror anymore. I don't see a woman either, but my face has changed enough to where I can't say with any conviction that it looks male anymore, just very androgynous

I think I want to start social transition. I think I've gotten to the point where there's no reason I shouldn't give it a go. I'm never going to be 100% sure unless I take the plunge, so I think the 90% sure is going to be enough for me. The fear I used to have of being wrong has now been replaced with a fear of wasting my life trying to be someone I'm not. If I'm right I don't want to let what other people think prevent me from living my best life.

I was able to ascertain that my department is very accepting of trans people so I might be coming out at work soon.

My therapist told me to post more as a step toward getting over my social anxiety, so I guess its time to break out all the posts I have in my notes app

Found this on Discord (very based):

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/e91b3ebe-ba76-4638-9369-41eab10d44e4.png

Going to bed before midnight, please clap

Goodnight nice gay people that live in my glowing rectangle

💤

Felix wanted to show you all his lil' nose

Recently talked with my psychologist about the possibility of me being trans. I'm still not sure what exactly I am, but this is something that have been on my mind for the last 4 years at least.

I was very anxious and couldn't really verbalize it so I wrote it down for her, but I'm glad I had the courage to do it. ☺️

::: spoiler self-harm The anger and frustration got the better of me today, and now I have to go to the ER. I didn't actually mean to cut that deep.

I don't need this in my life, I already have enough to deal with. I really should stop cutting myself. I didn't want to stop before, but now it's gone too far. :::

Got so many compliments on my outfit today. I was at the school club fair, and it felt like every other person was stopping me to tell me how cool it was.

Project "awe people with cool looks" is going well

Ok so the other thing I feel really fucking weird about is my muscles. Probably have talked about this here but I've spent like 15 years maintaining them and building them, and like I get a lot of positive attention for them, and like I am a bit vain about them! But at the same time, I'm like wow this looks kinda manly haha. It's so fucking confusing honestly. But like there's lots of girls with nice muscles it's like a whole thing.

I do have the choice to make my muscles essentially disappear (Botox) and I definitely don't want that. JFC maybe I just need to like change my gender and be NB haha I feel so in the middle

::: spoiler misgendering (good news though ✨️) Finally stood up for myself and asked my therapist to stop calling me sir (he already knew I'm trans and want hrt/some surgery, he's just a fuck I guess). Felt good to say something, even if it was difficult. He made an effort not to as well so Good thing for me to do, I always have struggled to speak up about my needs. :::

My little brother was in my other little brothers wedding party, he was the first person in my family I came out to all that time ago. He made a joke about how we're adding a, now, 6th sister to my family - I did my part, bro, I'll get one of you and we'll have a full set of 7 at some point.

Trans dipper kinda cute

Boymoding is going great: I walked out of the bathroom as a group of guys was walking in and they backed up and double checked the sign 😐

If Mario 64 was a real game instead of a time waste, you'd be allowed to do every task to get every star in a level in one run, instead of relentlessly padding the runtime by forcing you to warp out after every single star. Red and blue coin stars are legit just padding.

I'm just now realizing that my whole life I've been calling things "cute" and "pretty" and hoping in the back of my mind that someone calls me feminine for it. Just cis things I guess.

being a trans woman is fun because i can spend hours meticulously picking apart every negative detail about my outfit and how bad i think it looks on me and how i shouldn't be allowed to dress myself when in reality i look fine and then i go to the grocery store and there's just some guy in a utilikilt and a tshirt that says "if u dont like america i should murder you" who doesn't think twice about that shit

Met an NB transfem at work 2 weeks ago and like idk she's the best and I love her. So happy we met :) we hung out both weekends since we met and happen to live like a mile from each other 🥴😍

I hate facial hair

More trans memes shamelessly stolen from Dorley Discord:

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/56367eb0-12b6-4efb-9106-c34ee4ab85d6.jpeg

jamming the estrogen into my leg like it's the blood vial in bloodborne

Here's some nature shots from my Grass Touching Sojourn. Mixed in some river, some lake and some sea.

look i like water ok

The American Mormons that approached me a while back have returned to the grocery store parking lot. Last time I saw them they approached me and said God made only two genders and that he loves me. Today they’re trying to organize a bible study with very little interest.

there's a bug chilling on my monitor

found a bug at work today and took it outside instead of killing it, my coworker looked at me a bit funny but that's okay

feels fucked up how my parents guests are more grateful and appreciative about me cooking dinner than my parents have ever been

ftr I cook dinner at the house 3-4 times a week

This is probably silly, but one of my main fears when starting HRT was that it would change my hair color. I have really deep red hair, and I already felt kinda lucky that I got to keep it into adulthood since a lot of people lose a lot of the color very early, same as how there's way more kids than adults with bright blonde hair.

No sign of change yet though! Well on my way on the redhead twink to redhead doll pipeline

the more time goes by, the more i feel like my gender is goblin.

Watching a video on some bad obscure visual novel and this is supposed to be the run-of-the-mill straight male audience stand in

This is literally just an egg

i love saying "hot girl shit" about literally anything i do

It just kinda feels weird being a trans woman but then being like, I wouldn't say a tomboy... But yeah. Futchy. It's really hard to get across my gender really. My two friends I was hanging out with yesterday are so femme and cute and sometimes I wish I wanted to be that cute and fem but like if I do that much it ends up making me feel weird lol. Like it would be easier to assert my gender if I wasbt playing in the middle or something. Such a confusing feeling.

Gonna make another post about my body

::: spoiler transphobia Had an old man with an hat get in my face last night and saying classic transphobic shit. I just laughed at him and said nice try. He was so mad, chat. Proud of myself for slowly getting confidence over these shitbirds. :::

::: spoiler transition anxieties, not consequential Why is it that now that I've actually started the process of getting HRT, I'm suddenly getting doubts again I experience physical dysphoria and I've wanted this badly for over a year. I think feeling this kind of anxiety is normal, but still. brain, why? :::

It's the 51st anniversary of a terrible tragedy, but this is the trans mega, so we'll talk about the gender reveal instead

By tapwater118 ~ Source

::: spoiler [CW: body image] As a guy I worried so much about being too small / skinny etc.

As a girl I constantly fret I'm not small / skinny enough

It never ends :::

There should be movies with transbians in em, that I can watch, tbh.

This whole "being trans" is probably the most emotionally draining thing I have ever experienced. I'm not sure if I've ever stretched my brain like I have these past months. Its overwhelming. My social battery being drained right now probably doesn't help. Maybe I'm conflating the two a little bit.

::: spoiler CW: extremely blatant chaserism and transphobia I logged back into @Ho_Chi_Chungus@hexbear.net and looked through the inbox to see if I missed anything and I missed a DM from a wrecker from five months ago that just says "Send me pictures of your girl dick" and I know I should be grossed out but I can't help but thinking that's extraordinarily funny because of just how weird it is? like, no, I'm not going to do that, nerd. you're already banned and have been for almost half a year. idk why I think it's really funny but it just was to me :::

new roommate is a cis woman, i share a bathroom with her. she just asked me if i'm okay with her keeping her period products in the bathroom and I'm just sitting here like... god I can't even think of an emoji for that one

i hope i'm not just a terrible poster to you but also an annoyance

CW misogyny, SA, and discussion of .mil service

Trans guy here, forgive the rambling but edibles are hitting hard rn and I need to dump this somewhere. If anyone can relate or has had a different experience, please feel free to share with the class.

And Stone Butch Blues is already on my to-read list, but if anyone reads this braindump and can recc me theory that deals with any subject that's touched on I would be eternally grateful please and thank you :3

::: spoiler spoiler

Evo psych is bs and smarter people than I have discussed at length why that is. This pattern of behavior though is def something I've experienced and observed throughout my life, especially as the majority of my hobbies and workplaces have always been male dominated. What fucked me up the most tho was the form this behavior took in the .mil. It’s notable bc the .mil has an extreme and explicit form of institutionally enforced hierarchy so the behaviors are particularly toxic and unsubtle and vile.

I refrain from going into how race and class and sexuality etc affected the dynamics not because I didn’t see or experience it, but because I don't want to write ten thousand words rn. I might type it out and clean it up and post it here at some point bc it's been rattling around in my head for years and I need to process it. Until then, assume everyone involved is a wh*te cishet enlisted soldier from families of similar income levels.

||||||

The acceptance from high skill males was conditioned on demonstrated competence. There's always an initial distrust from the misogyny ofc, but the second I or any girl proved we could hang (i.e. be good at the job and perform at least some aspect of masculinity), the most skilled and professional guys took us under their wing and kept other boys from fucking with us.*

Skilled males treated the unskilled women slightly worse than they treated similarly unskilled men. Unskilled males treated unskilled women with more contempt than they treated other unskilled men, and the skilled women on par with the below average men.

If a woman met or exceeded the current cultural beauty standard (and thus performed too much femininity to be taken seriously by brains riddled with patriarchal brainworms), she was taken less seriously by both groups than plain janes and uggos—I counted myself among the latter and it was repeatedly made clear to me that my assessment was correct—that were at similar competence levels. If she was skilled she was taken slightly less seriously than the skilled plains/uggos. If unskilled she was take much, much less seriously.

Regardless of competence the attractive women had more success at the social aspect of the job and thus had slightly more opportunities given to them by less skilled males that had a high enough rank to grant them favors they hoped would result in them getting their dick wet. They often succeeded because they mostly targeted low ranking women who couldn’t really say no because of the implication.

High rank unskilled males treated the unskilled plain/uggo women with disdain but more or less ignored them like they ignored low ranked unskilled men. With skilled plain/uggo women they had active contempt for them and went out of the way to fuck with them. If a skilled plain/uggo woman didn't have the protection of a high rank skilled man of equal or higher rank to the high rank unskilled man, skilled plain/uggo women were in for an especially miserable time.

Now that I pass as a cis guy and am stealth irl, I feel an immense relief that I'm no longer subjected to the treatment women get.

I'm still a militant feminist and revel in using cis male status to advocate for women and shut misogynistic behavior down, but like yeah, not being treated with automatic contempt because of my gender is so freeing. It's a similar reduction in the background stress I got from getting top surgery, and I sincerely cannot emphasize enough how freeing top surgery was.

Tbh it feels silly to say but I think I've got a sort of survivor's guilt from it. Because of the dysphoria rather than the hardship of being perceived as a women there's no way in hell I would ever go back, but I do feel like I abandoned the homies.**

*when I was in there was a soldier shortage and almost every unit was understaffed, so idk how much of this "acceptance" was driven by the necessity of needing every able body they could get to do the job. I'm curious to know if the pattern holds when they've enough skilled males. I’d also be interesting in knowing how each job and each branch’s culture influences the pattern.

**Until I was able to articulate this to myself, I respected but didn't really fully understand why some binary trans men that identified strongly as a butch lesbian or even non butch lesbian prior to realization/transitioning continued do so after transitioning. Like there's a whole culture to being a woman, a stronger culture to being a lesbian, and an even stronger culture to being a butch lesbian–culture and community is such an essential part of our lives that dropping them is like chopping off a favored limb, and no one should be obligated to chop off a limb.

:::

I am starting a diary on gender feels.

I have had the same beard for 10 years. I've trimmed it of course, but it's been a long time since I ever shaved it off. I was going to put it off to the weekend, but I decided to go for it and just get rid of it.

I thought I might feel euphoria from shaving it, and I was worried that I'd feel nothing at all. However, it turned out to be a third thing that I was not expecting.

CW Dysphoria (pretty sure) ::: spoiler spoiler I felt happy as I started shaving, but then when I was finished I was looking at my face and I don't even recognize myself. It's been so long I had no clue what I looked like without facial hair. I don't like my lips, they are so thin. I don't think my bare face is particularly masculine, at least not stereotypically masculine, but it's not particularly feminine either, nor androgyne. I don't even know what it looks like, but I really don't like it as is. I've been growing my hair out longer (which was part of the process of figuring things out), and my current haircut doesn't fit with my face. With the beard, it was presentable as a male face, more aesthetic at least. Without the beard, I don't like it very much at all, and I feel nervous about going to work where my co-workers have never seen me without it. I don't know what this means.

I nuzzled my cat. I liked the feeling of her fur on my face, unimpeded by facial hair. My face still hurts though from the cheap razor (and not properly washing my face first because I didn't want to drag my feet.)

I don't think I want my beard back, but I do want a face that I can like. I feel very sad right now.

On a more positive note (still dysphoria mention), I recorded myself with some different voice pitches earlier today. I definitely like the higher ones. I've never really liked my voice. Trying to sound deeper/more masculine was always hokey and fake, and I hate my default voice. :::

doctor complimented my hair

my feet hurt I wish I was dating vampires in a small rural town

My cishet housemate has such brainworms about gender, its so weird. Like she always judges people on their gender, says their gender explains whatever personality trait she's talking about. She is in theory supportive of trans people, but its clear that she sees us as outsiders to the "normal" gender roles. She is a feminist, but completely entrenched in cishet gender norms. Its bizarre. I have no conception of gender so to see someone so obsessed with gender in such a weird way is just strange

jender affirming jeans 😊

I want to cry

watching am*rican cooking videos is driving me insane wtf is ""half a cup"" as if that's a real measurment??

OH SHIT my palestinian cookbook arrived finally

therapy this aft, i'm gonna bring the itemized list of reasons i cant dress cute to it and demand she make me stop caring about them, while also being on a video call with my cute ultra-fem hair that i cut myself.

then, the next stage in my evil plan is to turn on my camera at work tomorrow and unveil my cuteness

me: maybe I'm not autistic

also me: scores higher than 100% of neurotypical people and 90% of autistic people on the monotropism questionnaire

How would one go about making their handwriting prettier?

By iamfixated ~ Source

been applying to jobs for weeks and finally got offered two interviews at once. both jobs suck but it'll be okay

which link are you? I aspire to be sassy windwaker link

Oh look another town in a rural area that had a train system that was demolished in the 20-30’s for car infrastructure.

I remember hearing "would you still love me if I was a worm?" and laughing about it, what a silly question!

Then I transitioned and started taking E and - to my horror- hearing those exact words coming out of my mouth in complete sincerity to my ex lmao

Well, no one at work has commented on me shaving my beard. I work at a place where most people wear casual clothes, so I decided to overdress as well ( black slacks, white shirt but no tie) and no one commented or asked on that either. It just feels really weird since none of them have ever seen me clean shaven. I am trying to resist the temptation to overanalyze.

My dreams sometimes feel like very good stories that are being read to me. I just woke up from an awesome matrix-like story concept that had good twists and just really creative little concepts throughout. But because my dreams are super abstract I can’t write them in words and will just have to keep the cool stories to myself.

Sometimes I wish I could communicate with others through the abstractions that are my thoughts and dreams because words are so limiting

Ass so fat I get taller when I sit down

Frickin cops stopped an intersection for like 2 minutes to do a little motorcycle parade for some dead hog 😒 some of us gotta get home so we can post about how much we hate watching the debate

::: spoiler on the run from the volcel police :::

::: spoiler CW: Codependence, relationships Yeah, this is one my therapist has been working on with me for the past few weeks. It's crazy looking back at my last relationship how hard I align with her paper. One that caught us both off guard was "Accepting sex as a substitute for love". This is one that I never really had an issue with, but I have like an addiction to positive physical affection such as getting headpats, being held, handholding, ect. There were so many times that I let my ex get away with really harmful shit by just snuggling with me very closely afterwards. I'd often let her treat me like a man during sex because there was a certain way she'd hold me that she'd only do after we had sex and it was my absolute favorite.

I'm really struggling with craving that physical intimacy again even though I know I'm not in a position to connect with someone enough for it to be real intimacy. Sorry for the rant, just kinda wanted to pop off a little bit

:::

My COVID consciousness club is going to have some hardline rules: no Blue MAGA/Blue-no-matter-who, no pro-Democrat bullshit, no COVID minimization.

Basically, no liberalism allowed. I anticipate it will not be popular in my school full of white libs.

transgender illegal alien gf

I'm going to get my beautiful lungs looked at today to see if their capacity and shit is good.

Kinda want to leave my apartment forever. It's so lonely and boring here

and here i thought any girl past high school age was too old for crushes

god she's so fucking cute why can't i stop thinking about her

TRANSGENDER OPERATIONS ON ILLEGAL ALIENS IN PRISONS

Using tongs to reach stuff on the top cabinet cuz I'm big brained

gay

I hate the welfare system here, it is so fucking terrible, doesnt give enough money to live, prevents you from working, and is impossible to get on cause its better to spend 5000 dollars to catch 20 dollars of fraud than just help people for some fucking reason (death to reagan, death to his memory, and may anyone who respects him get kicked in the face and pissed on)

::: spoiler I finally found a non-woke game

• Only 2 genders: blue for boy and pink for girl, as marketing GOD intended
• Pink is smaller with a bow and flower. Sorry tankies but this low res penguin cartoon is undeniable proof of bio essentialism
• A heart denotes heterosexual mating interest so that our heroes can repopulate the penguin race
• No zooCREEPERS around to force the HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA on our beloved penguins
• Notice the spider with mostly non-binary colors ready to prey on our wholesome couple. A lightning bolt striking near the spider web warns of GOB'S displeasure
• One critique: where's the pink penguin's massive tits? :::

WATCH OUT

down with cis

P crazy I'm this hot like what the hell

tonight is a certified "sit alone in your car after work singing Yakuza sad karaoke to yourself because you're feeling extra dysphoric and wondering if that one girl likes you back" type of night

Hey, Clover here, your gay catgirl amateur chemist, doing okay-ish, probably a year or so until I can get away from my current situation.

Anyway, wanted to update on the estrogen gel guide I was writing: it is being written very slowly, within hyoerfocused nights for a few hours, interspersed every few weeks

I've got it basically done as a first draft, only one section is missing, and the accompanying excel sheet with all the calculations

After that it'd still need to be read by people a bit and edited for clarity and to fix any mistakes

I estimate maybe a month or two before I get to that step though, depending on how much my brain cooperates

Downloaded like 6 books on English/British history. I'm gonna ace that citizenship test.

Slept well. Had some nice conversation both online and off. Paid my bills and my moustache has basically stopped growing. Yeah, it's a good day to be trans today

bit idea: anti-woke health insurance company that openly advertises that it doesn't cover gender affirming care or abortions, but it's also way shittier than existing health insurance companies when it comes to premiums, deductibles, coverage, and everything else, and the profits go to trans and reproductive care organizations

::: spoiler CW for repression I was looking up perspectives of people who had gender dysphoria but chose not to transition on and here's an interesting excerpt I found:

At the end of the day I grew up. Rather than spending my time fantasizing about a a hypothetical different version of myself that was happy, I did the hard work of building a person that I was happy with. It took a decade plus to stop my head spinning from the confusion of it all, and then another five or so years of looking back at it and trying to figure out what it all meant for my life. In the end I was just an insecure kid who was afraid of male expectations.

Is that normal for an allegedly cis person? To take a decade plus to "build a person" you're happy with, and then ruminate on it for another five years? I'm around cis men a lot to me it seems that for them "getting your life together" mostly means getting swole and getting a better paying job and maybe building a social circle of people you hang out with regularly. tbf the getting a good paying job can take a while, but I think you can be happy with a just okay job if you have the other two, which, I can't really speak from personal experience, but from what I've seen in mentally healthy cis guys shouldn't take nearly that long.

(I am probably oversimplifying what cis men generally want for their lives, but I'm just saying, barring things like mental illness and extreme poverty, I've never seen one take that long to grow into themselves) :::

anyone else having issues with the bear posting duplicate comments?

I was lookin, and six whole trans megas appear on the front page of Hexbear's Most Comments sort, from #7 to #13 or so.

I wake up this morning and I ask myself: how can I help bring down the cis today?

::: spoiler subcutaneous estrogen personal timeline Subcutaneous without an androgen blocker has been good to me.

I am on week 7 I believe. Already showing some boobage. Testicles are way smaller. Sex drive is way different. Much less reactive and defensive (i.e. more likely to cry than get mad). Skin softer. Face more feminine (a laser session helped).

I am having some sensitivity around injection sites. Going to try my thighs instead of my stomach next time. Inject more slow and gentle, see if that helps.

Overall really happy and surprised by the progress. Feeling so glad I started on it. :::

Turns out my ass pulling herself up by her bootstraps and finally teaching herself how to shave is what she needed to be able to look herself in the mirror and confidently call herself a woman.

(Yes I chose to word that in this precise way so as to use as many female pronouns for myself as possible 'cause I'm feeling girly as fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm so pissed I didn't do this sooner. For some reason I imagined it would be harder lmao)

does anyone want to synchronize peeing on the floor with me... just kidding, i guess...

I was biking this morning and some old white dude came up to me and said “you seem like the kind of person who would do the right thing for god or people.” I affirmatively grunted. “I hope you’re a woman…” after some mumbling I couldn’t make out he said “if a man ever… a tall man…” Then my light was green and I couldn’t hear him anyway so I left.

I was wearing my keffiyeh and cargo pants. Literally showing no skin, as androgynous as possible. I have no idea why he thinks or cares I’m a woman, but I’ll take it. Does he think I’m Muslim?

::: spoiler sadposting Hurt my back

Perpetually exhausted

Think I'm getting sick again and my chest feels kind of tight

Annoyed by pretty much everything except my cats

Feel grotesque and just want to hibernate for like a week but can never sleep well :::

It's Friday night and I'm at an AA meeting with 10 old dudes in their 60s and 70s. Feeling super cool right now

what if d.b. cooper just transitioned and that's what the money was for

alarm clocks are reactionary and transphobic

::: spoiler abuse mention coming to terms with having been financially and emotionally abused in a leftist space is... an interesting time. honestly i still deny it all the time, it's only when I talk about it out loud that I realize just how messed-up of a situation it really was. :::

::: spoiler CW: Dysphoria/shame complex about IRL shopping Tried to fulfill some items on my gender checklist to see how they made me feel. Tried to go to two different stores (well, two different Wal-Marts) to pick up nail polish and facial cleanser, but dissociated and couldn't do it. It's frustrating, because I have bought nail polish multiple times from Wal-Mart!

Not for myself, but we used it as an easy sealant for slide covers at work, and it's quicker just to pay for it out of pocket then to order it through the system. The other times I've bought it from there, I've thought about buying a second for myself, or pocketing one from the lab, but I didn't have the self-awareness about my gender.

Also tried to shop for clothes. I thought that JcPenny might have some cute enby-ish "men's" shirts in my size, but there was hardly anything that looked anything other than a generic "men's" shirt. Again, dissociated and had to leave the store.

:::

So, having failed to shop in person, I am just ordering stuff off Amazon, even though I really wanted to try painting my nails tonight. Although, I will note that after adding nail polish and nail polish remover to my cart (and also some Kawaii catgirl face masks), Amazon is now recommending me a collar and thigh-highs. So, that's kinda gender affirming I guess.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/4dd25867-a71e-4efb-8c15-faf2b80e5b2d.png

Trump moment from the presidential debate (apparently, didn't watch).

Kamala's campaign is apparently distancing her from the claim (source) — probably because "operations" is ambiguous wording, but a Dorleypilled candidate would be a better way to get the trans communist vote than any other policy she'd ever actually do

By iamfixated ~ Source

::: spoiler sex, discussion of brainworms Reading the same romance novels that cishet women read has completely eliminated any lingering concerns I had about autogynephilia. I don’t even mean cis lesbians, I’m talking about books written by and for cishet women.

Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve seen. Keep in mind that this isn’t some niche thing, this all from mainstream, lowest common denominator trash (because I’m a basic bitch with no taste)

• multiple instances of characters fucking in front of a mirror, with the female character thinking about how hot it is to watch herself get fucked. This treated as being only mildly kinky
• virtually every book that isn’t closed-door (i.e. has sex scenes) will feature at least one sex scene from the male character’s perspective
• virtually every book will have scenes from the guy’s perspective where he ogles the woman
• getting boudoir photos done for herself while pregnant
• “I appreciate the female form. I even find my own boobs attractive”
• *gestures broadly at the works of Tessa Bailey*
• countless, countless instances of stuff like wearing lingerie, getting dressed up, or wearing sexy outfits just to feel sexy that don’t stand out and aren’t even remarkable because they’re just that common

As it turns out, wanting to feel sexy and desirable and having that as a turn-on is incredibly normal and common among cis women. Finding yourself attractive is seen as a sign of confidence and self-love, as it should be. “Autogynephilia” is really just another attempt by patriarchal society to pathologize and stigmatize female sexuality. It’s the same phenomenon of men objectifying women, and then, fearing the power their desire gives women over them and seeking to maintain their dominance over women in a kind of Hegelian master-slave dialect, respond by demonizing women who take agency in their sexuality: women are to be pure and passive recipients of the sexual desires of men, and women who don’t play along, and especially wlw who find sexual fulfillment without men, are demonized as unnatural, “crazy”, predatory, and fallen. Blanchard basically just projected his madonna-whore complex onto a group of women marginalized enough for him to get away with it despite his pathetic transparency.

Is my transness coming for my asexuality as well??? Wadda hell? I've considered that part of me to be an immutable fact since high school

::: spoiler clothesposting My very first actual blouse arrived today and I'm in love. Wearing it makes me feel like a ✨lady✨. The closest thing I had before was a couple of women's shirts, and while they're definitely a good vibe, this feels a lot more obviously feminine. I have an ankle length skirt I thrifted way back I thought I didn't like much because I hadn't found a use for it yet, but it actually looked great with this.

The neckline is really long and deep, so I'm thinking a big, eye-catching necklace or choker would be a great fit, but for now I only have a small, more subtle necklace.

I'm gonna have such a cute outfit once my new jeans arrive, if they're also as cool as I hope they're going to be it might be my new favourite. :::

My cold, it's causing distress in that it's inhibiting my ability to uh, express my silly lil gender. I am displeased and unhappy. I could be wearing skirts and cardigans...

love love

::: spoiler neurodiversity talk does anyone else struggle with... being able to perceive things about other people? I'm thinking about this because I was talking with my best friend (who is also autistic) about COVID on campus, and he was mentioning that they would notice that people would sniffle and be congested in class. and I was like... I haven't noticed any of that in my classes. but then I realized that it was very possible that there were people who were audibly sick in my classes and I just never noticed, because this is the kind of thing that I never notice. I remember a time in 2022 when I was taking a train trip with a different friend, and they later talked about how anxious they were with how many people were sick on the train. and I thought about it and was like "wait, you're right... how did I not notice that myself?"

my mom tells me too, that I don't "perceive" other people. usually she tells me this when she's angry at me and yelling, but I feel like there is a truth to it (as much as I hate to admit.) It's not that I'm intentionally an asshole to people or that I have "main character syndrome", I do not think that I am the main character of life or anything like that. I think I am a normal person who lives a normal life, one human among 8 billion, and I try my best to be polite and considerate and kind to people I encounter.

but I cannot pick up on things the way other people can. I've gotten better at reading my best friend, but that took months of them being the person I had the person I had by far the most contact with; and I'm still not great at it. I know it's a fairly common autistic experience to not be able to tell when people are making fun of you; I definitely have that. I also do struggle with being able to read people's emotions, which is par for the course for a lot of autistic people.

But here's another thing I don't notice — I never perceive it if/when people stare at me. I dress in a way that would invite stares (very loud and alternative), and yet I cannot remember a single person ever staring at me. I think it's kind of statistically impossible that nobody has ever stared at me, ever. this is literally the reason why I have never struggled with self-confidence when it comes to fashion. I don't perceive stares. And if people are giving me angry or judgemental looks or whatever, I extra can't perceive that.

I'm also incredibly gullible. I've fallen for a lot of scams in the past, especially when I was doing a lot of mutual aid stuff on social media back in the day. and looking back at it, there were a ton of signs that they were scams; and I would fall for them over and over. I just don't notice stuff.

And... body odor? Is that a thing people notice about other people? Because it's not something that has ever crossed my mind? Someone could smell atrocious and I simply would not pick up on it?

Maybe this is a reason why I don't get sensory overload from being in loud or crowded places. In fact, I find them exciting (yes, taking COVID precautions in 2024 does make it impossible to enjoy things that I want to enjoy, like live music.) Wait. Is this hyposensitivity?

I very much... live in my own world? Idk how to describe just the way that my brain works exactly here. It's not that I don't care about other people, I care about other people a lot. But I feel like my brain is wholly oriented inwards and not outwards... I simply don't perceive things. I don't know what this is, if anyone has any relevant resources I'd appreciate it. This is incredibly long and rambly. I guess I'll end it here. :::

I am gonna try shaving my body once a week and not being so neurotic about having little hairs.

last one

By mangolord ~ Source

the world if my wife was with me rn tbh

Simply said i wasn't going to vote and got scolded by an Australian.

hi

WHEN THE CAFFEINE WEARS OFF AND I GO HYPERACTIVE

holy shit they weren't kidding. gaining weight does make the tiddies grow real big real fast

::: spoiler sad ::: spoiler suicidal ideation, general hopelessness I am tired of going to bed "crying" and dysphoric. I am tired of waking up "crying" and dysphoric. I am tired of feeling lonely, dysphoric, and depressed all day. I am tired of worrying. Worrying about transition, worried about social issues, worried about the fucking planet being on fire. Why do I even want to live in hellbody, in hellworld? I don't. I want all this to stop.

Why is it damn hard to actually do it. Like actually couldn't if I wanted to. For how hard maintaining life is ending it isn't fucking easy either.

Why can't I just die good lord, I don't want to suffer like this. My brain and hellworld are both broken. I have no faith either can be fixed, so why continue?

I've hated living in hellworld for a while. Navigating it like this is obviously not any better. I desperately, desperately just want it to be better. But it won't. Society is clearly coming apart at the seams, and this dysphoria stuff isn't fun either. :::

::: spoiler family worries ... so that now I'm really getting started on the process of getting HRT, it's setting in that I'm going to have to tell my parents about it. And I'm nervous. My mom "accepts" my transness in the sense that we just never talk about it, but to get to that point meant several agonizing conversations. And I do not know if her acceptance extends to accepting the fact that I want to change my body about it. I feel like that's a part of transition that cis people often stumble on.

I know I can hide it from them for a while, but I can't hide it forever. And I honestly don't know if it would be better or not to hide it, because I know that would be seen as a breach of their trust. Even me making this decision alone would probably be viewed by them as a sign of my "apartness" from the family — the fact that I didn't consult them first will probably sting. My mom definitely has some helicopter tendencies in that sense; even though I'm an adult she still makes me turn on location tracking when I go out. I feel like existing in my family situation is a game of delicately balancing everyone's emotions, and doing something like starting HRT is something that will upset that balance. And I know it's not fair to place that burden on me, but I don't know what to do to escape it.

I can't help imagining the worst case scenario in which they kick me out over this. My parents have in the past yelled at me to get out of the house. They've always regretted it after, but... idk. I don't know what to do and how to tell them. Even though I've lived pretty openly as trans for almost four years and am pretty far in terms of social transition, I still feel so lost. :::

::: spoiler Halimede-type shitpost This had me cackling at “enbies get the trans flag and their own uglier one” No funny business, ya’ll.

:::

made a minecraft modpack that doesn't include create for once. this is difficult for me, but when I include it everything just becomes about the factory and nothing else

just remembered when i asked a waitress at a fancy restaurant if there was truffle oil in the dish as i thought i could taste a hint of it and wanted to know (it wasn't mentioned on the menu)

she basically just laughed at me as if i was some kind of food pleb, then like two minutes later i heard a waiter explain the dish to another table and mention black truffle oil

::: spoiler family drama My sister was caught on the phone with her abusive ex by my aunt but she claimed it was just for a second because she didn’t know it was her calling and they aren’t talking again.
I don’t feel like I can trust her to be honest about this and idk what to do.
My parents could kick her out if they know she is back in her life, but I’m thinking about telling my mom and convincing her to make my sister get a restraining order again.

:::

::: spoiler more neurodiversity talk so building off of what I was talking about earlier, another thing I really struggle with is mediating volume. I talk way too loud, all the time. Even when I really need to lower my volume (e.g. when I'm talking about my parents within their house) I often find my voice growing in volume without my control. There have been many times where people would tell me to shush because I said something way too loud at an inappropriate time. I find it almost impossible to intentionally talk quietly, especially when I'm excited. I think that my volume of speech literally approaches shouting, especially when I'm passionate about something. I know that it is a known thing that some autistic people talk very loud, and I am now wondering if that is me.

I also blurt things out at inappropriate times, and it has caused me a lot of grief in the past because I often know that what I just said was rude and unkind, even if I didn't mean it that way and I was just vocalizing a random thought in my brain. I have a hard time stemming the thoughts from escaping my mouth once they're there. Weirdly enough, I don't talk to myself much these days (I used to talk to myself a lot as a kid, I do wonder if voice dysphoria has something to do with it.) But when I'm with friends — oh god. I cannot control my volume at all and I marvel at people who can. :::

“Maybe my fear of pollution is unreasonable.”

10 million people are killed by pollution every year

https://youtu.be/efM2VlCueZc

I am not looking forward to election season at college lol

could save this one for tomorrow, but I might forget. so you think in the cars universe that Al Queda cars hijacked the planes and crasheed them into the twin towers, or you think planes got radicalised themselves and did it?

Might need to stop doing my injections in my butt, I've been having a hard time doing it there lately for whatever reason.

::: spoiler stress/unsanitary I have been awake for two hours this morning and I had to clean an assorted variety of substances that come out of different ends of cats half a dozen times already, twice in places they're not supposed to go

I am going to become the jonkler

:::

WOAH SHIT, NEW TRANS MEGA!

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!

in other news, I'm teaching myself HTML and making a Neocities website! So that's fun! Stepping away from corporate socia media, and into these federated and 'Indie web' spaces has been super cool!

I have become the Big Pants Gay™

bucket

By prattle ~ Source

By mangolord ~ Source

If it’s “attention deficit hyperactivity disorder” then why am I so tired and good at multitasking?/j

I have purchased Blåhaj it is approaching my location rapidly

Kittenposting

Anybody else remember when the mega would sometimes get taken down before the end of the week. Look at where we are now, look at our power.

::: spoiler our power It's over 9000 :::

Sometimes now, I am sitting waiting for a doctor's appointment or a cab and I think "my feet hurt, I wish I was dating vampires in a small rural town". I wonder if buying a Hosted Game on Steam initiates crossbuy on all platforms. I wanna play Wayhaven on phone.

I've shared so much random shit about myself on the trans mega and yet sharing my oc's is still incredibly nerve-wracking

I'm getting swole with peanutbutter and lifts, still. Every day for the rest of my life until I'm superpowered. Lfg.

So I whipped this up in around 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. Definetly needs some tweaks in the clothing and maybe the hair but I'm liking the direction it's going in. It's my first character portrait, so I'm hoping to improve on the next ones.

hell yeah, my book on palestinian food has just shipped

looking forward to it

@EstraDoll@hexbear.net your sword thing earlier has led me down a path of looking at nerdy shit on Etsy and omg should I buy these earrings or is this corny? lmao

v thankful for this space thank u ty thx

damn that girl in the mirror is starting to get an ass, god damn

seriously considering the idea i might be bigender but in a way that's like... only 8-15% male and the rest female. i don't know what to make of this

::: spoiler stupid Thesis: the masculine urge to dig a hole

Antithesis: the feminine urge to be shopping

Synthesis: the nonbinary urge to buy a bobcat excavator :::

@Tomboymoder@hexbear.net just asked if the little hand was the hour or the minute

My handwriting is already like a full 5 times cuter and I only changed a few things

interview over

it's actually great that amazon sellers can just lie and sell you counterfeits

got an interview in a little over an hour ugh

I'm in love with the way my hair feels on my neck. I wish I could be in a polycule with her and commutative ring theory 😭

posting a clip like "hey, does my voice pass?" and it's someone doing tuvan throat singing

I call her my minecraft gf because we got together playing minecraft

Obama is going to put all patriotic Americans in forced fem-a camps

has anyone else had a friend a long time ago you maybe had a crush on but you never really explored those feelings because it would have been gay or weird or whatever but thinking back you probably really did have a crush on them?

"only" £6k a year for a train season ticket into london. what a bargain

more like non-binary domain

Went to the lesbian store and they were all out of butches, is a dyke okay?

Sorry my gender has been really boring the past few weeks, everyone

Uh cutting my cyproterone acetate dose down to 12.5mg has been rad at least, did that a couple weeks ago now...

who would win two weeks of work at a space station or Sisko's baseball obsession

::: spoiler dysphoria mention I hate when I have an outfit planned in my head and I put it on and it just... doesn't turn out the way I wanted. Anyways that was today's outfit, I still like the concept but this is an outfit I need to wear a binder for, and I really didn't feel like binding today. Took the photos, and now they're making me dysphoric because of how much I can see my chest in them. :::

putting on my dancing shoes wednesday

it's been maybe eight years since i've had short hair, so it's weird feeling the side of my head now it's shaved

fuck apple music, they think the only things I like are chappell roan and the va-11 hall-a soundtrack, which yeah but recommend something else for me once in a while

writing this primer document about covid in 2024 is so unexpectedly difficult. I can bullshit a liberal artsy paper, but science and public health communication? help idk what i'm doing

starting an LLC and turning the trans witches into businesswomen

women!

Running on 4 hours of poor quality sleep today

At least I'm feeling better from my infection, maybe, but everything is still ridiculously sensitive. I made a beer pizza in a cast iron pan baked in the oven, that came out really well would recommend especially since you can use any old thing for toppings and sauce is optional, like I had onions and olives and it worked out great.

NSFW more dysphoria returns and body torment stuff ::: spoiler spoiler Looks like I didn't luck out and my bs body is working against me again. I thought I was prepared with menstrual cups but I'm way too sensitive to use them right now. I'm also super sensitive to soaps etc right now, can't even touch a lot of soaps without a burning sensation like I touched ragweed or something. Wth happened to me. :::

Well making this semi-random avatar took longer than it should have

whoever recommended "ADHD: A Nightmare Under Capitalism" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T05Sli_-xBA thank you oh my god it was so good. i also really appreciated the video from the same channel that just lets some autistic people talk about their special interests for like 40 minutes, lol.

(@QueerCommie@hexbear.net was it you who posted this video?)

lately I've been catching myself doing a gay little sigh

Mmmm, yum, dried seaweed... I should cook with it more often

Someone here kept talking about Wayhaven Chronicles so I bought the first chapter and have been enjoying it thus far.

okay question to Agenders but first context

OKAY so i got good vibes from this one professor so I told them I was trans (as part of an assignment ofc writing intensives are hard, but gender is easy to write lots of things about) and MY VIBES WERE CORRECT THEY'RE TRANS TOO (Agender specifically)

Agender professor!

uh how does one like talk to professors im scared of them? anyone can answer this please help

Im shooting a message back in another assignment and i was thinking of making an edit of a blahaj with an agender flag on it and i was wondering if there is a more appropriate figure for agenders? What are the Agender stereotypes that would communicate as a message of solidarity and shared community?

am i just overthinking this and should just put an agender flag on a blahaj picture and attach it to my homework

who the heck is up

Despite my high DIY dosage, I don't think the E is really working throughout the entire week. I feel distinctly worse on some days than others.

Does anybody have any resources for doing SubQ buttock injections? How easy is it to miss the spot, and what can happen if I do?

Real spooky Friday the 13th today. My gender almost flipped the wrong way for a moment.

::: spoiler pensivity somettimes it upsets me a bit my wife and girlfriend don't ever hang out. it's not that they dislike one another, they've talked a bunch of times, they don't have problems witth one another. and like, you can't force people to be friends I know that. my wife can be quite loud and my girlfriend quiet in groups, so I get why if the 3 of us are in a conversation my girlfriend is quiet. it's just like, they're both important people in my life, and I want my wife to see how cool my girlfriend is, and vice versa. it's not like distressing or upsetting, and I don't wanna make them do stuff. my relationships work fine without them needing to hang out; I just like showing my best friends people I like, which in this case is one another :::

Talking with my best friend and just. Uncovering just how autistic I really am.

I realized yesterday that I do in fact have low empathy. In fact I kind of don't know what real empathy feels like...

hexbear club penguin private server

I've been drinking so much cough syrup for this dorky cold, it is going ok tbh.

I was walking down the street with my campus' fraternities and sororities, and I had myself giggling at the idea of one called PPP all singing rho rho rho your boat together

Youch! Landed on my ankle wrong while rock climbing and sprained it real good. Ankle is swollen and it is hard to walk. Luckily not a break though.

It was really funny though, my climbing partner was like “how are you so calm right now” while I was figuring out the injury and plan to get home.

First responder training continues to pay off.

All tied up with nowhere to go

Cmon, that's a free harlequin slightly kinky title, am I the first to come up with it?

i knew this would happen, i've been back working for a month and i got sick!

worst part is that I had the rest of the week off so I'll be probably feeling just peachy by monday when I have to work again!

atleast it's not covid...

Underrated prog experience: waking up in a daze thinking about B O Y S

I dreamt of the fruity lil twine game. As in, me in the role of my own detective. Nothing that exciting happened but Waow, brain, you really wanna date vampires that badly?

finally got my hair cut. loving the buzzed side, feels very lesbian

wearing black patterned tights under demin shorts, feeling cute (esp hair is cute, but i need to even it up a bit tonight), therapy went ok, still processing

edit: also listening to , 団結 is an absolute vibe and a stage play mixed in, i only know like 1/5 of the words

buying swords off kult of athena is not gender affirming care. it does not help you transition. you do not need a sword

I am once again running on too little sleep

When I meet Astarion and he tries to kill me off the hop I don't think "oh boy, I can't wait to romance this guy or literally ever forgive him" I just think when my next chance will be to shove him off a cliff

I don't care that people think he's a pretty affably evil fop, he tried to kill me apropos nothing - I can never get out of that mindset in terms of RP.

I shouldn’t of eaten so many Oreos today.

::: spoiler mental health/addiction/drugs/alcohol got the itch from too much kratom I think

probably gonna have to take a break from it and regulate my use of it because my dry alcoholic ass wants to keep mashing the "feel slightly better temporarily" button until it quits working and starts causing problems

how is it the 21st century and stupid science bitches haven't invented The Cigarette That's Good For You or The Booze That Makes You Smarter And Healthier yet? this is bullshit

🚬🍺 :::

every single job in the uk earns you between £24,000 and £30,000 unless you live in london

🎵here I aaaam
Once agaaaain
I'm fallin to pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one🎵

would each comment chain in the trans megathread be considered a trans minithread?

just made the soup my wife made me when i visited for the first time. not as nice as when she made it but still good

Oh yeah, now I know why I didn't remember wayhaven. I was fucking playing it wrong lol, I had 0 interest in any romance with these people cause I figured we were all in a professional team and dealing with a murder. They just ended up all being friends and I turned away every romance attempt

i don’t care, i’ll inject the whole fucking vial. this shit ain’t nothing to me, man

i cannot imagine hawk tuah becoming a thing were conservatives not so deeply sexually repressed

up with trans

It’s taken a while, but have begun getting really good at an eyeliner look I really love. I use liquid for the upper eye and a gel that I really like to fill in a bit of the lower waterline. Next is figuring out eyeshadow. Already got a good headstart!

Love this basic pressed palette that I got from Black Moon. And a few loose shiny ones from sugarpill that were on sale!

My cat is licking my arm right where it itches right now. Today is a good day

twansgender :3

::: spoiler dysphoria Today has been very iffy for me, then I talked for a little bit and holy shit my voice is awful. Feel really sad about it now. I've never done any voice training, no clue when I'll actually start.

Also the hair on my arms is starting to come back, little black stubs right now. Egh.

At least the really bad thoughts/fantasies are gone right now, those are always really upsetting. :::

I have more grasstouching adventures today, out at a pub. Ive been told its much quieter, and hopefully it wont overwhelm me to the point of nonfunctionality

Is there some sort of ritual I have to do for breast growth? I feel like it's slowed down recently 😔

::: spoiler total bullshit >buy Wayhaven book 3

>save doesn't load :::

EDIT: I have used the CoG Save Manager/Editor to meticulously recreate my detective in Book Three. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Thesis: not all heroes wear capes

Contraposition of thesis: not all who wear a cape are heroes

Inverse of thesis: all heroes don't wear capes

Converse of thesis: 👟

::: spoiler misgendering I decided to wear eyeliner to work today, and my co-workers and the "customers" are still calling me "man" and he/him. I'm not exactly hiding anything, and I knew this would probably happen, but that doesn't mean it does not hurt. :::

Anyway, the eyeliner I put on today made me look pretty good, at least I think so. My mom also commented on how my face looks different, and she says it's not the eyeliner but... what if it is?

Farewell, eyeliner. I'll miss you

Big fan of my current hair. I have it medium length and choppy. My aim was Rei Ayanami hairstyle and I got pretty close.

Rei is a very agender-coded character so I really like her. I believe she has no conception of gender whatsoever, and she just like me fr

12 more days comrades...

::: spoiler spoiler Zelda but we get to be Zelda.

Love you Link but you're more like my cute boyfriend and protector these days.

:::

Chat what do you think about nursing as a career?

::: spoiler dumb questions about the gender accelerationist manifesto so, in my country you can get your birth certificate & driver's license changed to an X, or changed to whatever you identify as (although you need a gatekeeper seal of approval iirc). Does this constitute a three-gender society, the appeasement the essay talks about near the end? Or is there some other requirement that makes another gender a legitimate class?

I'm not sure if this even matters, but I'd like to understand their categorization system a bit better. :::

—RELATION WITHHELD—

By iamfixated ~ Source

I was listening to an old radio broadcast for the opening of Snow White in 1937. A quote that stood out was, “I’ve never seen a premiere as gay and as merry as this one!” 🏳️‍🌈

::: spoiler sad, fear I feel very lost, directionless. Getting tossed around by the waves. I don't know what I want to/should do. I know I want to transition, and am very afraid of the potential social consequences. I don't fully know what my end game is with transition but I don't need to now. It is... Odd feeling like the only thing I "know" in life I don't really know fully.

There's a lot that I don't know, and have never known. It's very scary, and confusing. It's too much. :::

hello new mega

BREAKING: Chairman Goggles unveils new solar power expansion and high speed transit in the Democratic Kittens Republic of My House

la gata

By sofo ~ Source

Ah, young love. So pure 😭

For the A/B/O heads; is going on prog like going into heat?

my room smells like sawdust, so that's unfortunate, but at least the nightstands look classy af. chat, i have finally entered adulthood

Did the site go down for awhile? I kept getting a 504 error

sending one angry email to sadiq khan for every stop on the london underground without disabled access every day they do not get fixed

::: spoiler CW: Parents/family, mention of s*icidal ideation

Woke up after a nightmare. Don't remember the whole dream, but around the end, my dad was using threatening language against one of my women co-workers, and I reflexively made a sarcastic quip that sided me with him. I regretted what I had done immediately: I was horrified and realized that I would lose my job, and then my career, and then my hope of an independent life over this. All he could do was rant about liberals and democrats. The dream ended after as got into a fight in the car.

I don't know why I am so concerned with pleasing my father. We don't talk about anything deeply. He doesn't ask me about my hobbies, or my friends, or my interests. He never texts me or calls me to ask me how I am doing, or to tell me that he loves me. My mom does that all the time. We stopped talking politics, I basically told him that I would never talk to him again if he insisted on taking politics, but I know that he's some sort of Nazi. He reads Charles Murray and Jordan Peterson, and plenty of far-right sci-fi, and those are just the physical books that he keeps in the house! His main hobby has always been right-wing politics: radio and Fox News and videos. I don't want to be anything like him. Everything time I get angry or sarcastic or just overbearing "male", or display any of his many flaws, I think about becoming him and that is the most horrible thing I can imagine. I think he is a sad aging man, a hoarder and a crank. The worst possible fate I could have is becoming like him (well, maybe death would be worse IDK). He loves his family, but that doesn't make him special and isn't a unique virtue. A lot of bad people love their families.

My mom is an evangelical too. Really, the only thing she cares about politically is abortion. Everything else is seems immaterial to her, or she just gets a position from my dad. I don't know how long she'll take to talk to me. We do talk though. Whenever I go home she wants to go running with me so she can have a private chat and vent about her job. I've told her about my support for queer rights and my queer friends, and while she's never agreed with me, she's never gotten angry about it either. I know that if I come out to her she'll immediately talk to dad.

My brother, I honestly don't know. We don't talk that much outside of games. We're very similar in a lot of ways, but we've never been sharey with each other. That's probably on me for being very closed off. He mentioned that he's talking to a therapist and taking anti- anxiety medication. He suggested that I look into it once, which I wasn't prepared to deal with at the time. I enjoy his company though. He will be the first person in my family that I come out to. I don't know how he'll react.

Of my sisters, the oldest is obviously a lost cause. She is just as vehemently a fascist as my dad. That sucks, because having a sister to talk to about this sort of thing would be awesome. The second oldest is more likely to be okay to talk to, but I dunno. My adopted sisters are pretty young, so they'll have plenty of time to figure it out.

I was terrified by the idea of therapy and opening up. I was terrified that I was a lost cause, and that all my mental health problems were the result of some sexual pathology that would make me unsympathetic to any therapist. Now, I want to see a therapist/psychiatrist as soon as possible. I want to get some diagnoses, and figure out what medications I need. I have a fear that the medical establishment is going to want me to rule out any "normal" mental health issue like anxiety and depression before even entertaining gender identity. I guess it depends on the system you deal with.

I am worried that if I lose my family, that I won't have any friends or support network when I finish my PhD and move to a new job. I know that this is untrue. One, I have a lot of friends across the country, from old jobs or online trpg gaming groups. I will be able to find supportive friends. Two, if E doesn't work out for me (still need to determine if that's what I want), I can just grovel and I know they will (smugly) welcome me home. Three, the end result of living my life based on the perceived pressure from my parents is that I was going to kill myself within a few years, and they wouldn't have liked that either. I don't know how hard I can hammer that home, but they'll need to understand that. If they don't get it, that's their problem.

If I had the courage to come out when I figured out I was bisexual in high school, my life could have been so much better. I come have spent my 20s as a young queer person as opposed to an isolated shell. I've "come out" as bi to plenty of friends, but that's kinda irrelevant as I've been too scared to actually express myself in any way my parents might learn about. I don't want to make that mistake again and waste my 30s as well. :::

EDIT: I've started writing a coming out letter. I'm not going to send it for a while, but it's useful to collect my thoughts, and I guess it will be good to show a therapist/psychiatrist. I also read the first act of Nevada last night, and will probably finish it up this weekend. I have thoughts, but it's helpful.

not sure if they want tits

has considered whatever these are called in amabs to be such (fem coded) since before they knew what gender was

fortified vape juice for kids

Goggles waiting to strike

In case any of u lil gender goofballs were curious, I did email Choice of Games about Wayhaven save imports and they asked if I'd used their email system. I'm guessing they can't do jack shit about their game not eating saves either.

Also I find it weird how Wayhaven saves add and subtract fields randomly. I guess because they aren't being used but sorting through that PSstate file was a lot, "straight"ness aside.

i didn't even know it was possible for one girl to be this eepy

I'm a proud water temple enjoyer

food websites could unanimously decide to remove their comment sections and nothing of value would be lost

creaturepilled costumemaxxing

🎶Yes I know my enemies🎶
🎶They’re the teachers who taught me to fight me🎶
🎶Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission🎶
🎶Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite🎶
All of which are American dreams (8 times)

Kittenposting

Only gay babies go inside the gay baby basket

They're all gay babies and I love them all very much

Fresh raccoon roadkill nearby. :(

god she's so cute. i wish i had any idea how to flirt 🥲🥲🥲

I want to dress cuter but also don't want to be overtly trans to my class that's already giving me trouble. Any tips?

i stopped getting as nearly as girl horny after they lowered my E dose which is super disappointing. I feel much more like a functional, stable adult this way but I kind of miss being super hormonal sometimes

Hopefully PP will let me start prog the next time I see them. I've heard good stuff about it

i've never had my passport stamped and i feel like i'm missing out. it's always been digital

blank pages cuck

I tried making air fried beer donuts and ended up making beer biscuits instead, think it was because I forgot to add butter. Softest biscuits ever, at least I have that going for me.

By homriette ~ Source

Got some more paints today from the Warhammer store. Looking forward to using them on my mini-project tonight on a weird-ass color scheme for a Rubric. Gonna be fun.

finnster's relationship with ICKY is the most adorable fucking thing i love t4t

doing a double post since a dumb meeting got cancelled

story time, this is about video games ... and something i'm struggling with.

when half-life 2 first came out, my computer didn't have enough RAM for it. every loading screen was a minute long, and when i would spin around (in-game) the game would stutter. classic issue of course, this was back before SSDs so half the level was living in a pagefile at any point. it was so bad that at times it felt like i was waiting for more loading than actual playing of the game.

years later, i played it again, once i got more working memory for my pc, and the game was an extremely different experience.

::: spoiler now let's get (somewhat) sad, this is about work and lines this is how i feel about my life, in two ways.

1. i feel this in a more standard sense of "oh my god, work is just waiting for 5pm and trying not to go crazy so that I can do the things I actually want to do" or "wow this line is really long, is this all there is to life?" which i'm sure a lot of people can relate to
2. but I also feel it in a sense not just of the world loading around me, but myself loading too - i've encountered the term "autistic inertia" before, and it describes the difficulty of switching between tasks, breaking monotropic focus, etc. I'm not sure if this is quite that (although I do think I have that as well), but more so that my day-to-day, and especially my job, is so busy and I have slowly accumulated the "responsibility" over so many projects, and have so many people asking me questions, that I spend most of the day with a figurative loading bar in my head, trying to figure out what productive thing I can actually do, or trying to remember wtf we were doing with that codebase to prepare for a meeting.

honestly it's probably related to the meerkat/flexible mode

work ethic is a whole other conversation, of course, and I don't berate myself for my lack of productivity that I used to, but ... I don't really know where I'm going with this, actually. I do feel like I'm going to get "found out" for spending so much time trying to clean out all the unrelated/related crap in my brain (this post is an example) so that I can think clearly again, but that's just how I am, so if I can't change that I guess when they fire me I'll just try to find another job. Maybe take some time off and read, work on a side project... that'd be nice.

(if i'm being honest, i spend more time than I probably should on YT or reading here or etc. but I do think it helps clear my head) :::

anyhow, thanks for reading, should probably actually do some work now but i'll check in later

Behold: Rosie's nose I like to sing her gay lil' songs and boop her nose and call her lil' miss rosey-nosey

I work so little and I'm still always so tired and feel like I'm floundering aaa

everything's fine

Considering becoming a "shaved head+big dangly earrings" style queer

Chat I must inform you, it is Joever for the HIGHLY TRANSPHOBIC Wayhaven Chronicles.

So I was digging in with this save editor because Book Three spit out my local saves. Awesome. Anyway it lists all of your info, name pronouns apartment type, interestingly it keeps track of Unit Bravo's pronouns too, I guess so it can switch genders based on your preference. But under all that, I found the field where it keeps track of player sexuality...

I mean if that's the way you find it convenient to store data, game. I guess so.

Anyway I realised you can fuck around all kinds of stuff in here, like aside from pronouns themperors are referred to as "person", but you could switch it for "dyke" or something really awesome if you wanted. You can do this for the members of Unit Bravo, too...

tactics rpgs i've enjoyed way too much

• fire emblem: three houses
• x-com remakes (enemy unknown, 2, and 2: war of the chosen)
• baldur's gate 3

tactics rpgs that were pretty fun

• into the breach
• divinity: original sin 2

tactics rpgs i haven't tried

• final fantasy tactics
• vagrant story (if it counts)
• probably others

tactics rpgs that have ogre in the title that i just played way too much of by accident and now i need to sleep but i had actually a pretty good time despite the difficulties i had with the menuing, and will probably play it more, and oh my god if Dyrone dies one more time i will NOT be loading a save (Dyrone? more like... DIErone...)

• tactics ogre (psx version)

One of my favorite t-shirts is faded and stretched out, and I went to check the website to get a new one and they are shut down

Kinda wish I had a Disco Elysiumesque voice in my head that randomly tells me bits of trivia I didn’t know.
That’d be sick af

https://x.com/cozymissa/status/1833393068344807548 when my wife gets the 50k a year job she's going for, this gonna be me

I had a dream I was paid off my credit card 😑

Hello everybody!!! I hope you are having and will have a great week. Much love!!! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

::: spoiler CW Venting, dysphoria mention, minor workplace injury Well, I was looking forward to getting to the gym today. I've always hated my weight, hated how my body feels, but lost the motivation to workout after the pandemic and starting grad school. I had a great run yesterday (found a place away from any mirrors) and was looking forward to making it a daily thing.

Then the fucking vendor that we needed to get a replacement refrigerator compressor from refused to give us a written manual/SOP, and when they walked me on the unit removal over the phone I got a nice spray of refrigerant in the face.

Everything is okay, it's not particularly toxic (and it was at room temperatur, so no cyro-burns), but I lost an hour and a half on reporting the incident and dealing with the leaky unit. And now I need to work on another experiment that I had to put on pause so I won't be done with work for another hour or so.

Also, the vendor put the wrong power plug housing on the unit, so I have to cannibalize the old unit to get it up and running tomorrow. : :::

A new week, a new trans megathread. Let's goooooo

What is trans chat for if not for showing off my trans ocs.

So anyways here's a drawing of the two main characters of a post-apocalyptic trans motorcycle love story that I'm working on. Their working names are Cai (left) and Parneet (right).

Cai is a trans man who ran away from his family as a teenager. He mostly traveled around the dead wasteland of Amerikkka on various motorcycles he rescued from trash; until he eventually joined a queer motorcycle club. Said queer motorcycle club does a lot of outreach within the scattered pockets of queer community along the West Coast — distributing HRT (which is now illegal), connecting trans people with surgeons, distributing information and connecting disparate groups. In this world, Cai is pretty well-known; but he's quiet and keeps to himself and only his closest friends. Also his name is literally 菜 (which means "vegetable" in Chinese) because I thought that was funny.

Parneet is a trans woman. When she meets Cai, it's right as she's making the discovery that she is trans; this picture depicts them a few years later. She starts the story as a construction worker, but as she gets pulled deeper into the world of the queer underground, eventually she is forced to leave the job behind. Parneet also starts the story with a shitty boyfriend, but she breaks up with him basically like within the first few chapters lol. Though she is new to the world of queer bikers, she is adept at navigating it, and slowly builds up a word-of-mouth legend of her own.

Anyways they fall in love and they're trans and they do trans things together like lovingly inject each other with hormones and shit.

Also I really don't like this drawing of them. But it's the best one I have of the two of them together, in their signature outfits. I doodle them a lot though, so if anyone's interested I might show that off sometime.

dark souls fear and hunger mod where nothing changes except all the enemies have their cocks out

going back in time to the Boshin War to show the Imperial side Moe slop, warning them of the dark path they are sending Japan down

It’s me, transfeminine rock climber no. 690

Every metal album released in the last 5 to 10 years has the most flat sounding production tbh.