hi jerks, does anyone wanna make the mega? if so, go ahead and reply to this. even if you're not the first to respond, i'm writing down a queue and we'll get to you eventually. i'm prioritizing first time posters but if you've done it before and want to do it again you can slot yourself in after them

the list as it stands:

• Starlet (9/9 - 9/15)
• HelltakerHomosexual (9/16 - 9/22)
• Luna* (9/23 - 9/29)
• Eco* (9/30 - 10/6)
• oscardejarjayes* (10/7 - 10/13)

​ * denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Initially I was upset about r/cth getting banned but now I'm grateful because I don't think it would have ever become as much of a trans positive place as hexbear

Our power is such that we now have two megas.

I bought some dumbbells. I am going to become a strong wife. A POWERFUL WIFE

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/04cc5b19-0de8-4027-a655-342ae1e7aec3.jpeg

::: spoiler genital talk fantasising about showering naked with the boys after training and getting a compliment on my boyclit (in a platonic way) :::

Alright. I'm fucking done for a while. I'm sick and tired of attempting to help people or cheer people up and having it thrown back in my face. I'm sick of it. It's happened 3 times today and I'm over it. Here (not today, but somewhat recently), Discord, Matrix. Fuck it all. I'm done. Yes I had to vent. Sorry. I'm irritated.

starting to think I just broadly do not like talking to cis people. NotAllCissies, but somehow always one. I just don't want them commenting on the shit they fundimentally do not understand

Yesterday I got to have a long conversation with the person who runs the feminist and queer centers at my school (the person who I posted about a few days ago saying I thought she was potentially a Marxist? That person.) I'm so happy, she is indeed a communist and she is also COVID-conscious, which is really important to me. I told them that I wanted to start a COVID-consciousness student group here and she got really excited and offered a lot of support, including a spot at their table at the upcoming club fair. I also told her about my wish to start a socialist reading group on campus (and by "socialist" I really mean Marxist-Leninist, which I think she understood) and they told me that they would absolutely support that too. We had a pretty cool conversation about the politics on campus, about the upcoming election season (which will Not be fun), the existing socialist group within the school, the dire state of COVID consciousness at the school, a lot of topics. She even offered to help me look for work in the surrounding area, because unfortunately most jobs on campus are reserved for federal work-study and I don't have that. Also she runs a trans theory reading group that I will definitely be going to. I'm so glad to have made connections with her, I'm still smiling.

No more upvote numbers....

But how will I know if I have your social approval when I'm being gay and autistic?

seems like the posting wars are over, comrades. Trans Mega Reigns Supreme

so, funny thing happened at work today, chat. the cleaning lady was asking me if I have or had a husband, and I outed myself as and very gay. She took it in stride and we spent a few minutes shitting on men.

a reminder for the ladies

Recently, almost every time I present fem and take a ride share alone the male drivers act weird af towards me

It's fine when I'm in public but shit this scares me so much it's probably just cause I'm alone with them in an enclosed space wtf

This was one of the many things that made me hesitate taking hormones for so long too

ATTENTION: This trans ADHDer is using a PLANNER and TO-DO LISTS and is TRYING TO GET ZIR LIFE IN ORDER.

Me when my very cool trans professor gives me a nice comment on my homework:

meeting other trans women be like "she looks like a college undergrad" and then she drops the fact that she's 41

Mass force-feminization must therefore become our programme.

Great conclusion despite the non-sequitur. Trans men are exempt from the feminization of course as long as they dismantle the patriarchy from the inside.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/4363ae1d-7b4b-4196-aa2c-4ce318088a60.png

I'm laying in bed right now, and I feel so goddamn trans. I have never felt this trans in my life

hello new trans mega i come to you this week with bigger tits and a fatter ass than the last

Opened a new vial of estrogen today! The first one lasted about 8 months, even though a lot of it has been wasted to needle dead space. And this new one is apparently gonna last even longer because it's cypionate instead of valerate.

It's DIY, and even thought it's from the same place I got the first one, I'm still kinda nervous about a freak accident having happened and the bottle being contaminated or something. If I stop posting know that I died doing what I love (injecting the girl juice)

found out my roommate's a transphobe, idk what to do, or if i should do anything

Coming up on a week since I started HRT.

Haven't instantly magical girl transformed into a beautiful woman.

On a serious note:

For the first coupla days, about an hour and a half after taking my Oestrogen I'd get a tiny nosebleed. This happen to anyone else?

I can fix them
I can become them

What if you were dating a girl and she said she had a dog and you were invited over and were excited to see the dog but it turns out it was a puppy girl

oh good lord they're fucking bouncing when I'm going up the stairs now

I attended a presentation yesterday put on by the feminist center at my school, and I think the person who runs it is a Marxist! I caught the use of Marxist terminology in the presentation and when we were doing share-alouds I responded in kind, and I know they recognized it because they then responded to what I said. I am definitely going to go there and check it out because I need to talk to them more, and I'm really interested in the building of intersectional feminist theory through a Marxist lens.

Me: autism means you have support needs? Not me.

Also me: Has the easiest life ever. Still barely functions.

happy queen's death day btw to all who celebrate

Sometimes I think it would be kinda neat to have big boobs.

Being hyperfocused on reading and writing romance kinda making me yearn for a new relationship. Maybe it'd help me write a better story? But getting into one just because I want some applied research is ridiculous.

...or is it?

::: spoiler regular mood :::

posting volcel oath violating memes today

in just a few weeks now, my hair will be longer than it ever has been

I am incredibly happy right now, wearing my favorite hoodie and having pained my nails for the first time. It all just clicked for me, I feel so cute, so completely feminine.

I'm such a girl

::: spoiler gatekeeping, transmedicalism Love being denied any sort of trans healthcare by the local gender clinic because I'm 2 years above their arbitrary age limit. I'm too old, so I have to go through the national gender clinic instead, which is also denying me access to basic care because it's run by horrible transmedicalists. I hate this country so much :::

PSA: If you're having any issues with funds related to transitioning, don't hesitate to reach out using the mutual aid comm! That's what it's there for and plenty of people here would be willing to help, including me. I talked this over informally with some of the other mods and we came up with these simple guidelines for making those kinds of posts:

1. Don't get into specifics on what you need to use it for. "Transition related help" is all you need to say.
2. Don't mention age, where you live (including country/state), or anything else that could be used to personally identify you.

Also, given that some of the resources out there use litecoin, you can also request donations to a litecoin wallet which may help you skip some otherwise tedious steps.

Since I started transitioning and spending more time in trans spaces online, I've noticed it's sadly common for trans people to encounter issues getting what they need, especially in certain US states or countries like the UK that are attempting to cut off gender affirming care. So, I wanted to highlight that this is always an option available to those who need it.

If anyone has any feedback or anything to add to this, please let me know.

as a young boy, i was completely and utterly confused about straight women. i didn't understand why anyone would want to date a man when you could just be a lesbian and date only girls instead

and as an adult woman, i still don't understand it either

::: spoiler brainworms time I always see posts on Twitter like “transgirls need to stop feeling jealous or bitter about people who pass more than them/need to learn to love themselves” or just anything about how “passing isn’t that important” or we “shouldn’t hold ourselves to cis beauty standards” etc.
And then you click on their profile and it’s always someone insanely cis-passing who does nothing but post thirst traps.
Every.
Single.
Time.

:::

::: spoiler it's so over chat. They made a fucking class out of my special interest. I'm sure I wouldm't go because of spaghetti dropping incident potential but I absolutely fucking knew someone had the same brainbug that I do, and now there is a class. Shit, what the fuck. I studied for this... :::

I really want to try a dress on, but in the company of trans girls, just in case I really like it and they can call me cute and I can break down crying they can give me hugs. Would be awkward if I didn't like it, but if I do, I really want it to be a moment where I'm surrounded by gender affirmation.

She makes my heart flutter so much aaaaaaaaaaa

::: spoiler gender dysphoria, regret, self-harm Saw the timeline of a trans woman my age that started HRT in early 2022. That could have been me, had I not wasted almost 1,5 years trying to get HRT through the gatekeeping healthcare system. I should have known better and just gotten started with DIY HRT right away. I could have been much further along with my transition by now. Maybe I would have gotten some hip growth as well, since I would have started before turning 25.

But no, I dumb me from the past chose to believe the people on r*ddit saying that DIY HRT is super risky and should only be used as a last resort. Now I hate myself and my body to the point of cutting. :::

had some really bad luck with my yearning recently. There was this cleaning lady at work on friday, she had a cute smile and wide shoulders with muscle and pleasant zero fucks attitude....

hetero married with kids

too exhausted to retain anything of value from reading so I'm attempting to get to sleep before midnight which is rare for me

goodnight

Another cissoid left speechless by the incredible power of trans shitposting

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/542cb36c-cd47-485d-97fd-117d6252206b.png

absolutely rolling in the euphoria of feeling my ass jiggle now. i'm finally graduating out of Hank Hill ass territory and I've never felt better before

translating this ancient 2019 vegan cookbook that my aunt gave me to look through, but it's written in swedish

using my english, finnish and frankly awful swedish to puzzle these out, surprisingly fun

Close to 3 years ago, I went into a trans health clinic. This was the first time someone else had asked me to explain my gender, they were a nice intake nurse and all.

"So, terminal, in your own words, what would you say your gender is?"

I remember squirming and looking away at all the earlier intake questions, it's hard to talk about my anxieties or trauma or whatever. But this one, I looked at the nurse and said

"I am a woman" and that was that! ♡

I was actually so happy this morning. It just hit me how much better my life is now, how much less dull everything feels, how good it feels to just be in my home, screaming and singing, in a skirt. With the school year starting, I have some time where there's nobody home, and I took that opportunity to just start singing again. I actually recorded some vocals alongside an instrumental track for some songs, and while most sounded bad, one actually sounded decent, in a raw kind of way. It's much better to study my voice in a singing setting, because it's less "ugh why do I sound like that" or "This doesn't sound like someone speaking" and more like "ugh, how do I improve that tone while maintaining pitch?" or "my screams sound like shit, what can I do to improve how they're picked up on the microphone?".

Let it be known that transitioning is going to get me back into singing, even though E doesn't change vocal chords. When I was going through benefits of HRT (literally everything), I was like "It would be nice to have a higher range and a more feminine voice". I was debating to myself whether or not I was trans in the first place, and I was leaning towards not. Do these sound like cis thoughts? I ask myself that a lot when I think back to a few months ago.

Sorry for rambling, and as a side note, sorry for posting too much . As much as posting is encouraged, I feel like some might think I have been flooding the mega with sub-par comments. I promise, that's not it, I'm just in a better headspace than I have been in a while, and I feel like sharing some of my thoughts. I've never really felt like I've wanted to do that before, I've always felt like my thoughts and emotions weren't worth sharing with others.

Love how a side note practically becomes a whole post of it's own.

Someone just gave me the thought of me being a husband, all I can say is gross.

I did not expect such a visceral reaction to that idea. Actually disgusted me.

i don't mind having the occasional bug in my house - this place is plenty big enough for the two of us - but do they have to insist on repeatedly flying into my face

she tuck me in

::: spoiler Gendergthoughts™ Ive been thinking through some aspects of gender and how I relate to it. Its so slippery! The closer I get to grasping it in my hands the more it wriggles and tries to slip free to return to the ocean (yes, gender is a fish).

But im trying to reconcile my understanding of myself as a mostly binary trans woman with my desire to live in a world where those three descriptors have no meaning, where there is no gender binary, where being "trans" is a logical impossibility, and where woman is, by virtue of there being no binary, a non-meaningful label.

I dont really have an answer. Being a woman is so meaningful to me, all of the positive and negative aspects of it together feels like home. So how can I want to live in a world where my home doesnt make sense? And similarly, just because it feels like home, doesnt mean I dont want to ever go outside. I live here, i enjoy it here, it is where I belong, and the outside is largely uninteresting to me. But sometimes, once in a while, i want to go stay somewhere else, another home in the city. Its in the same quarter as the home of "woman", but isnt the same. And similarly, sometimes i wish to leave for the woods, away from any conception of gender, where there is no pronoun, no social role, no class as relates to reproductive labor. A place where there is nothing at all. I dont reside in the forest, but sometimes i wish to reside there. But even the whole concept of "to reside" doesnt fit; there is not a place of residence, only the point where i am right now. So i suppose I dont reside in the house of "woman", i just spend a lot of time there. But that doesnt mean I dont spend time in the forest away from and outside of all conception of gender, or in that unnamed house that is close to woman but not quite the same.

There is no conclusion, no wrapping up. There is only that which is, i guess. :::

Making up a scenario in my head where I go to prison so I can't take estrogen, then crying my eyes out over this completely fake scenario I just made up in my head wtf brain

The COVID consciousness club I'm starting with my best friend looks like it's really going to get off the ground! I'm so excited.

up with trans

Puppygirls too strong!

Some people edit comments to add or remove information/text. I edit comments to fix typos because I'm horrible at using the phone keyboard. We are not the same.

I think I'm going to get into the trans lit class that I waitlisted I'm so excited

Feels like I've been stuck figuring out wtf to do with my life ever since I turned 18. I've made some progress within in the past few years, but I'm still missing the bigger picture. I think the main reason for this is because I've mostly just been alone in my room either gaming or scrolling through social media. I've lost interest in gaming this past year, but now I'm just on social media all day instead. Not exactly an improvement.

I need to actually get out there and try stuff out, explore who I really am as a person. But that means leaving my comfort zone. It's really difficult, and I haven't been able to do it before, so I'm doing something different now by going to therapy. It might be what's needed for me to start moving forward again.

I don’t really feel short, until I am walking and I see a branch and I’m like “that’s a pretty low hanging branch” and then I walk under it no problem

I would have liked if all the gay cartoons came out when I was a child rather than when I was in my 20s

big foam finger that just says "estrogen #1"

@Tomboymoder@hexbear.net is too embarassed to post this so i will. me dunking on her

Today is such a gender day. All I did is put on my Lingua Ignota longsleeve, cargo pants, my trucker hat and and some earrings, but I am feeling so fucking comfortable in my skin and not dysphoric at all. Really grateful for making the decisions I have made to get me to this spot. I also have my first gender affirming surgery later this month, and am so fucking hyped. It only gets better from here.

I ran in to someone i knew before transition today. I dont think they recognized me... I hope not... Idk, i just dont want them knowing me as him, as that fake person I created to protect me. He sucked. I mean, he served his purpose, but he was wholly fake. And he hurt me a lot. I dont want him associated with me in anyones mind.

I feel very powered up in general terms. My wife is really good at makeup so I'm gonna get that lightweight "concealer/foundation/powder" etc layer done again tomorrow. Maybe even wear a skirt out again, Idk, could be rad.

Did pretty good at a job interview, but I still got rejected

Currently having lunch and listening to all the couples around me talking vile shit. The cis are not okay, folks.

It's my little brothers wedding soon! So excited for him.

But none of the dresses I bought early in hrt fit anymore 😕 boobs too big. I liked them... they were cute... all I have is a slightly short floral dress and something pretty gothy, I'm gonna see what my mom's opinion on them are

It's my birthday! Gonna spend the day doing my two favorite things; smoking and smashing white claws. The weather here is fantastic, nice and cool without a cloud in the sky. Time to lay in the grass and take a nap with my labradoodle child.

I kissed a really good friend yesterday, and it was really good and really gay and I think she really liked it too. Neither of us expected it to happen, I don't think. We were just kind of cuddling and being silly, and she kept rubbing my nose (what's the not problematic word for this btw?) and I just like kissed her once really quick as like a joke. Then we both stopped and looked at each other for a bit, and then started kissing for real. I'm pretty sure it was the best kiss I've ever had. It felt really long, I think? Or maybe really short and felt really long in a good way. I can't stop thinking about her lips.

It's kind of a mess tho. For one, I'm seeing someone right now. It's kind of this awkward situationship, like we're not exclusive or anything. But the thing is that kissing her was like way more intense and better than kissing him. Like kissing him is nice, and I was pretty excited the first time, but I didn't spend multiple days replaying it in my head and thinking about how I want more.

My friend and I definitely can't be together. Like we're at kind of different places in our lives and it wouldn't work. Honestly she's dealing with some hard stuff right now, and I'm not sure I would be able to support her through it. Also we'd be long distance, which would be hard for me.

So like idk I guess I should stop seeing this guy because it's not fair to him to actually try to be in a relationship when I'm not even that into him, and also probably not kiss my friend any more because I don't want to hurt her, but like why is it that the most rational option is the one that's the, like, least fun? Maybe I am being absurd about this.

just sticking random shit into this meme format because funny

I feel like I do nothing but post every last micro-epiphany I have here, but I have another one lmao.

I've realized I don't think I'm aromantic at all. When I ask myself if I want to be someone's boyfriend I have suchhhh a hard time answering.

"I mean what even is a romantic relationship? Maybe I'm confusing platonic and romantic thoughts. I've only ever had 4 crushes in my entire life and every single one of them I'm pretty sure I just liked platonically? Then why did it feel so special???"

And then I ask myself if I want to be someone's girlfriend.

"God yes. Full stop."

::: spoiler queerphobia

So after pink washing their sins through June, my company had a chick-fil-a truck park itself outside the building with their permission yesterday.

If you ever wonder how tolerant the straights are, just ask yourself why out of all of the other food trucks that was by far the most popular. Despite the fact the rest have been mom/pop ops that serve way better food...

:::

Ever since coming to school I've challenged myself to come up with a fun new outfit every day, and most of them have had corresponding make-up looks. I'm taking more pictures of myself than I ever have before. A lot of that is because I'm planning to start a personal fashion blog, and I'm building a backlog of looks to post; but also, it's the fact that looking at myself is no longer a constant exercise of dysphoria, when I'm inhabiting the form of gender expression that I feel most happy in (aka my weird goth-ish punk-ish maximalist look.)

Unfortunately, I do find that make-up is kind of a key part of being able to enjoy the way my face looks in photos. I generally do very dramatic eye make-up; because I wear a mask whenever I'm out, I do not really do much related to my lips or cheeks. (I tried to do some lips the other day and immediately wiped it off, I hated it lol.) I feel like, weirdly enough, my eye make-up has the effect de-emphasizing the femininity of my face. Tbh I do not like this new shift in my relationship with make-up; I started using make-up in 2022 as a form of queer self-expression and I've always tried to consciously stay away from using it as a tool to make myself look "better".

I'm wondering (hoping) that once I start T I will feel more comfortable in my skin, and I will no longer need to get all dressed up to feel gender euphoria. Of course I think I will always love getting dressed in elaborate weird outfits, but it would be nice to also feel euphoric when I'm in my plain grey sweatpants and sleep shirt.

Today was such a wonderful day y'all. Zero complaints. I'm feeling real good

Currently dreading having to teach tomorrow not gonna lie. I had a whole table get up and leave half way through class last week with no explanation. Basically my entire class failed the quiz last week because of their downright refusal to do anything I ask. I told them explicitly what I expect several times, and this really should have been a gimme quiz. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but it feels like my entire class just hates everything about me and the class. Not sure how I'm to make it to the end of this semester with my sanity, especially since it's not even my class I'm teaching. I'm just doing what I'm told and getting so much shit for it. I've taught this class for 3 semesters now. This is the fourth. And I've never has this big an issue.

Also I get paid on a stipend that doesn't start until the end of September, so effectively I'm skipping a full month of being paid. Yippee

why

i want to see my wife

I might be sick with covid. Guess it was just a matter of time before it got to me as well. I had so much stuff I wanted to get done this week. Oh well...

::: spoiler sad Too many disappointments lately. Starting to feel hopeless again :::

Trying to search up info on adhd medication, and all the articles are either written for parents of adhd kids, or they refer to adhd as primarily being something kids and teens struggle with. And why are people still claiming that it's possible to outgrow a mental disorder? Wish it worked like that, would make my life a whole lot easier if my adhd just magically went away as I got older

I know what I'm gonna do for my career after this year of kind of bumbling around in the literal first position I applied to and interviewed for. I'm definitely going to go for my Nurse Practitioner - likely focusing on family medicine/all ages rather than babies or adults only. I'm definitely planning on focusing on trans healthcare, probably more focus on trans youth but we'll see. Where I live, you generally need 4500 practice hours or 3 years of full-time clinical bedside experience before you can apply - year 1/1500 hours down. Also, it's kind of spooky that they let us prescribe with only 4500 hours of clinical practice and a handful of pathophys and pharma courses. There's another 1000+ advanced clinical hours just in the program, and you're supposed to have a supervising MD after graduating and wokring, but in terms of patient safety it's kinda... iffy. Just the reality of mid-levels, I guess, it does feel weird being handed that wide of a scope of practice to someone with that few of clinical hours.

There's an opening for an RN at an adult gender clinic in my organization but they want 1-4 years of adult mental health experience - I have 1 year of experience in pediatrics medsurg lol, there's been a number of kids with mental health admissions but that's maybe 5% of admissions. I think I have to change gears to adult mental health, which I LOATHE as an RN. You're expected to be nurse-cop in inpatient mental health it suuuucks, I hated telling people they weren't allowed out for a smoke, I hated feeling like I was manipulating people into taking their meds, for people with memory issues having to redirect them all the time "no you can't leave, come stay with me and we'll play cards" sucked because I was forever telling people they weren't free. The actual patients were fine, even the ones that had a history of violence or whatever, it was feeling like their jailer that sucked and in a lot of ways I fucking was. I identified way more with the patients than the staff, they called it "emotional transference" or something like that cause I yelled at the staff nurses when I was a student lol. Anyway, I really hate it, but if that's what I need...

Big anxious about this week. Not like in a something bad is gonna happen, just meeting new people and my brain is always like "you already know people, why do you need to know more? this is not okay"

I feel like my boobs are just stuck in an awkward middle place where they would be more aesthetically pleasing both if they were smaller and bigger.

was feeling like shit all day, so I went for a walk after dinner, then I felt even shittier, but now I'm good again

down with cis

::: spoiler mentions of sex So for as long as I can remember I was extremely averse to people touching my chest. During intimacy I felt like I had to grit my teeth and power through it because it would be weird to say anything, but I always hated it. Now that I have boobs I don't feel like that any more, in fact I would want a partner to touch them during sex, and I'm starting to wonder if it was a symptom of deeply repressed dysphoria since way before I knew I was trans, especially since it's one of the areas I've been (and still is to a lesser extent) very dysphoric about. :::

I look so fucking good today. I'm really proud of my make-up — I tried a new-wave-ish style of dramatic eye makeup using red eyeshadow. I'm also wearing an outfit that I've had planned out in my head for the past week — it's a frilly white shirt with bright red pants. First day of classes and I'm a bit nervous but also excited!

I love everyone here so goddamn much. That is all.

(positive)

Not to bring down the mega, but you guys ever wake up with the feeling that you never want to be seen or heard again?

what the fuck I had a passable voice like just last month but I think since I don't practice anymore and mostly hanging out with close ppl I trust to speak with my lower more comfortable voice, I lost progress and my voice sounds so bad now fuckkkk

My friend is going to help me call the student health center to set up an HRT appointment tomorrow. It's setting in that it's finally happening, I'm finally doing this. I can't help but wonder if the 4 year wait that's led up to this was made this lengthy because I was dealing with so much dissociation that I didn't realize was dissociation. I think I'm learning to reinhabit my brain.

imagine how different the world would be if people had likened elon musk to sheldon cooper instead of iron man

It's time to take the nail polish off :cri: it was a good vibe, but now we gotta be a girl with plain nails.

I have achieved an hourglass figure without hormones.

::: spoiler spoiler To be fair I have an bmi of like 15, but you gotta look at the good side of things. :::

I’ve resorted to presenting feminine again and I’m not really a fan of it but at the same time what else can I do I’ve been off testosterone for a minute and my fat has started to redistribute itself again Need to get back on it real soon

I love having the desire to be sociable and meet tons of new people while simulatneously being freaked out and overwhelmed by meeting new people. I love the novelty and really do well in novel situations, but i have such little capacity for it; a week or two of that and I need 6-8 months of not talking to anyone

Unbothered. Moisturised. Happy. In my lane. Focused. Flourishing.

(Gorging myself on untold quantities of quality gay slop )

ah fine, fuck it. if weight can't cycle down, then it's time to cycle it up. I can feel my tits crying out for something to build with and my ass could use more padding so fuck it. Had a big fuckin milkshake for lunch about it

Why do i feel terrible? Oh yeah, i ate 1/4 of a cake and fell asleep. Groggy. Need water. Feeling very

I think new yorkers should just start doing the accent again. like you can just fake it until it becomes natural, you can just do that

My tummy and thighs are very squishable btw just so yall know

Labor Day but the posters still have to work.

A major pet peeve I have in fiction is when super smart characters can just predict the future in detail, especially when it relies on correctly guessing complete stranger's irrational choices. Like, that's just not how human intellect works?

::: spoiler CW: Alcoholism, dysphoria posting

I'm doing pretty fine on booze right now. I've let myself have a few guinnesses off the tap after work because they're not good for getting drunk off of. I'm not using it to hide from my feelings of dysphoria or a shitty life. To be more comfortable with the effects of aging, growing more facial hair and the like. If I hadn't used alcohol to cover up those feelings, I would have gone through the efforts to be on hormones years ago. I was a late bloomer physically, I still had time to stop a lot of first puberty. Luckily anti-psychotics have also slowed this process down, otherwise I'd be in much worse shape.

Now I'm sober and just beating myself up for not doing it sooner. I had other circumstances other than my alcoholism that made the medical decision harder (shitty ex, inconsistent income due to shitty ex, ect.) but alcohol kept me complacent in all of those and kept me from feeling the pressure I needed to get fix them. I'm excited to be starting DIY soon (something my ex never would have let me do) and I think it'll really improve my outlook on things

The cure to that dysphoria has been this. I've also recently met a transfemme friend who is pretty old. She didn't start transitioning until she was in her 40s and she looks fantastic. There's part of me that's scared that I'm starting estrogen too late and she's really proving to me that there is no such thing as too late. It made me realize how few old trans people I had met or even seen. She's a lib, but she's become a really great friend over the past month.

:::

i feel a little stronger today. managed to do more. been nearly a month since “recovering” from covid. i seem to be improving but its v frustrating.

The problem with buying clothes is it makes you want to buy even more clothes

At least I have som cute jeans on the way, praying they fit well

yeah

I guess i really am just disposable

Figuring stuff out ::: spoiler spoiler

So this is me, I do not want to ever lose my hair, I've had it long for a long time and I enjoy how feminine it makes me feel me even if I otherwise look and feel anything but. I just wanna be pretty but I'm so scared but also kinda numb? Even though I think most of the people in my life would be accepting. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so advice or nice emojis are welcome

:::

___

Being at home with my parents and seeing the propaganda that passes as ‘news’ in this country makes my blood boil. Pro Israel, pro cop, anti labor pull yourself up by your bootstraps nonsense. God bless our troops.

I wanted to go to a local queer meetup today, but my social anxiety and low self esteem stopped me. Idk how I'm ever gonna make new friends

music monday! whatcha listening to? here's my collage btw (nsfw for titty in album cover)

edit: also here's a link to a 20x20 of my most listened albums of all time. make fun of me for it i guess

"why do you want to join us? please say in your own words."

i'm applying to wash dishes, fuck off with this shit

Something has shifted today. I’m going to make it.

Haters said it couldn't be done

Haters said it would never happen

::: spoiler Checkmate, haters My dick got smaller :::

Sometimes I’ll be like “do I even like women? I don’t think so ” and then I’ll see a futch girl and I’ll be like “oh yeah ”

Socializing, loud noise, and bars delenda est. Istg i will never leave my room again.

::: spoiler Voice training, dysphoria, sadness Wang to do voice training because I dislike the way it sounds, but I just struggle getting into it. Like if I just plan to watch a video on it I stress the whole day before hand, and when I go to watch the video I just break down before clicking on it. I've tried trying to just record my voice but doing that is a struggle, and listening to it also makes me break down. Like I want the end goal of having a different voice, as hearing my voice as it currently is distressesd me, but I just don't know if that can happen because of how much of a struggle it is for me. :::

🚨⚠️BREAKING⚠️🚨

Democratic Kittens Republic of My House receives diplomatic delegation from Raccoon Federation, renews ties in cooperative development in hole digging

I'm glad we started getting little paragraphs for the trans mega text like the other megas get. I like when people share their passions. never really gotten into Touhou but, WIIHAPPYFEW, thank you for that little character bio :)

Partner and I decided to breakup but remain friends since LDR was becoming difficult.

news reporter: how many ingrown hairs do you have right now?

me: at least 3

I am swiftly moving toward a solution which pleases nobody!

chat, i cut my own hair, i took off a LOT more than i thought i was going to, but it looks super cute now!!!!!! i think that this is the first time i've liked my hair in its naturally curly state and not tied back. i still have no idea what to do with the fringe though.

intentionally gaining weight after starting E and feeling your ass get thiccer in real time. There's no better feeling on earth

I think the fact that I cannot play both Knight of Lodis and Gayhaven Chronicles at the same time is transphobia

it's going to be 25c tomorrow, chat!

why cant the autumn revolution just win??? please, my people are suffering under the Sun Regime

i want falafel

Does anyone still play palworld? I remember hearing about it a lot for like 2 weeks in february, and then nothing at all since then.

i’ve sort of been realizing that i’m not exactly agender. i’ve been presenting as my AGAB and it feels a little miserable and like a performance and im starting to feel like id be much happier presenting with more of a masculine lean than feminine.

I really cannot believe that like, a guy made up binary genders a thousand or a few thousand years ago, and that shit's still around

what's hotter, doing house chores in a skimpy french maid outfit, or doing house chores half naked? 🤔

Jamming to some new wave rn, my makeup inspired me.

::: spoiler voice dysphoria thoughts I heard a recording of myself last night and my voice isn't as deep or bad as it sounds internally? Still don't like it or anything but maybe its not as bad as I fear sometimes... still hard to talk though. :::

Omg the gay tension in this gayme is so, uh, gay

Been feeling a lot better today, had a moment of weakness and made my favorite dish, kung pao mushrooms since I found half a pound of shrooms for like 1.39 and a can of baby corn/watercress for 79 cents and I had squash and celery ready to go. This is what I'll be eating for the week, not the healthiest thing, but so delicious and not too pricey.

Thinking about getting my first tattoo... I have had this idea for what I want for years now (a silly dark souls 2 message saying "Don't give up, skeleton!" [The comma is important!!] below a skeleton resting against a wall with its mouth agape in a comical way, lol) but Im still afraid I'm gunna instantly regret it cuz it's a stupid idea... XD

I'm not MtF I'm MtGG (male to goofy goober)

Walking around the campus reading theory in my elaborate outfits to advertise the fact that not all MLs are cis men with no style.

>post about fruity lil twine game

>realise Famous Gayhaven Enjoyer is fr touching grass.

>

NO COME BACK PLEASE who else will I be annoying at?!

gn transgenders! imma try to break the stereotype and get good eepy

::: spoiler horny Why not take T and have people suck your boyclit? :::

i could fix traffic in my shitty little town just by banning on-street parking, but the town council haven't responded to any of my 45 letters

Anybody here want to play Super Smash Bros. Gaylee with me 👉👈

google maps diverted me into a 45 minute long queue in order to avoid probably two minutes of traffic at a junction. no worries mate, didn't want to make my hair appointment anyway. would much rather sit in my car

::: spoiler me moping about the difficulties of coming out to family, so CW for that if you're not in the right headspace I guess The more I think about how I'm going to come out to my parents, the more I'm sure I really am trans, but the less I think I'll be able to do it

They're US republicans, so they've been drinking the kool aid about "woke gender marxists", so I don't think coming out and saying I'm going to start dressing like a girl and acting more feminine just because I "feel like it" is going to work, even if I assure them that I'm not considering anything medical yet, and probably won't for several months at least (I want to get to a point where I've socially transitioned and am happy with it first)

So instead I thought about approaching it by explaining gender dysphoria, and gender roles, and performance and all that, but I feel like I would just be infodumping and they wouldn't pick up on it quickly enough to understand. How do you get anyone who hasn't experienced gender dysphoria to understand it anyways?

I know them well enough to know that at best, they'll probably just brush it off in the passive aggressive way they do when I make a decision that doesn't align with what they want for me. They've done it for less serious things. "Well you're an adult now, it's time you learned from your own mistakes". But if they don't receive it well, I don't know how they're going to react to it in the long run, which worries me. :::

I still think they should have cast Hayden Christensen as Shadow.

Just found out an appointment I thought was tomorrow is actually next saturday

::: spoiler genitals

Bought some no tucking compression underwear then ten minutes later tucking finally clicked. At least my leggings look flatter, and hopefully they'll looks even better once those panties come in.

Tuckingll be good for leggings nshit I think, but for skirts and whatnot where I just have to keep from pitching a tent, then I think compression alone will be more than enough.

:::

::: spoiler hornypost

Speaking of leggings, these ones are too tall and go up to my nipples. I look like that one family guy skit, except my ass looks absolutely, positively, spectacularly, exceptionally, scrumptious. Like full on fuckin meal, put that removed on the table and let someone eat it PHAT.

Not to be a braggy asshole, but I was blessed with a girly ass and thighs for an amab person. Like every partner ive been with has loved my ass. I'm glad I finally get to wear the clothes to compliment it. Those scrunchie bits that ride up your crack are the absolute best, love the way it makes my cheeks POP

(Seriously cannot understate how much I love the way may ass looks/feels in these things. Someone needs to come appreciate and touch my butt.)

:::

Kittenposting (I know I do this a lot sry but look how can I not??)

I have had a much more positive body image the past few months, probably because over the past few years I've been killing all body shaming and judging in my head. I stopped thinking about cishetero-normative beauty standards as a good and natural thing and now I find interesting self-presentation way more attractive than adhering to social norms. And I guess that applies to me too

I gotta... lift today... gainz.........

Update: I LIFTED

I have pinpointed my exact fear that's holding me back: I fear that if I start transitioning I'm going to feel dysphoria because I'm trying to transition into someone I'm not.

"if you can't make it at home, store bought is fine"

• me every injection day

[redacted]. Actually, on second thought, what is a chaser

Edit: Genuine question.

The bday party was great! There were only four of us and its all family so it was good ^^ although it got a little spicy arguing politics with a blatantly idealist lib and a lib who has a materialist worldview.

Got a call from the staffing agency (travel nursing thing) I applied to yesterday. Wasn't expecting it this fast, yeesh. Thought I'd have like a couple weeks to prep

::: spoiler bad post

::: spoiler actually it's serious

::: spoiler I reaelly don't know if you're ready for this

::: spoiler I mean it

::: spoiler ok then a lotta yall still dont get it. ape holders can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape. so if you have 1 astro ape and 3 slurp juices you can create 3 new apes. Tonight's slurp juice mint event is essentially a minting event for both Lab Monkes and Special Forces :::

:::

:::

:::

:::

Reading some Ursula le Guin and went for a run to detox from watching what’s on tv in this country.

I've looked at the same person in the mirror for quite a few years now: the same body, the same face, the same hazel eyes. Nothing much has changed.

Okay, Gayhaven Book Two, sure I guess. Whatever ya fuckin' say...

my right tit is itchy

new trans mega, it will be bigger than ever before

If trans women were a product:

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/f445f822-a27f-4c2f-8f77-5cc0d4adcb4d.jpeg

I said the other day that earbuds aren’t too comfortable, but honestly the loops are pretty good. My other ones aren’t as much and I don’t know what to do about that, but I’m grateful. Everyone else is going to have more hearing loss than me, L.

500 comments in one day. We are so good

I wake up, I say "down with cis". Also I think I caught a cold, cause I didn't go outside but I have a frog throat and sneezes...

well shit. just got pulled over today for having expired tabs while visibly trans

honestly it went about as well as i could have hoped. I don't think i got gendered in any way by the guy and got let off with a warning. still not fun

Was watching a video about dmc3 speedrunning and saw that hakim had commented on it

rly digging DS9 tbh

you ever have an anxious feeling, and then like the thing happens like immediately after

so anyways just had to put a fire out in my kitchen because my dumbass father came home drunk and left food cooking while he fell asleep, and it caught fire >.>

i wanna have a job where i make breakfast and coffee for people but for like 20 hours a week and it's somehow low-stress and nice and i make decent money

I hate growing my hair out. It looks like shit. It's going to look like shit for months. Kill me.

🎶 🎶

Self portrait

The masculine feline urge to dig a hole

Had a dream I was in an omegaverse werewolf VN.

::: spoiler imposter feelings, and I guess misgendering myself tfw you just feel like a guy who's tricked everyone around around him (despite being far too honest and open about how I feel and where I'm at in transition).

This is one of the worst feelings I deal with I think. Mixes well with dysphoria too. :::

tiddies <3

tuck me in, he's family guy

After deciding to stay friends with my ex she seems to just be ignoring me now

Last call before closing:

Ok look, since I'm a hopeless sap and somewhat employed I will gift up to four three two (4) (3) (2) copies of Wayhaven Chronicles book one on Steam to any needy gay trans out here.

Well I mean you can also play it if you're straight but that's boring

The Wayhaven Chronicles: Book One is a thrilling 440,000 word interactive fantasy novel vampire kissing simulator by Mishka Jenkins, where your choices control the story. It's entirely text-based—without graphics or sound effects—and fueled by the vast, unstoppable power of your imagination.

Play as female, male, or non-binary—with options to be straight, gay, or bisexual.
Discover the start of distinct and lasting romances with the vampires of Unit Bravo.
Define and refine relationships with a variety of characters-from friends, family, exes, and enemies.
Decide how you will fulfill the job of detective, through Deduction, Combat, Science, or People skills.
Discover the truth of what awaits in Wayhaven in a playstyle that suits your personality.
Indulge in true moments of romance, friendship, drama, and fun!

I've always wanted to make a game with a secondary, burried hidden, horror plot under the surface. like you can totally play the game normally and it's a full normal game. but, there's some weird moments that take you aback to go huh... what was that about? with the ability for players to really dig deeper into the guts of the whole thing.

one time I started to write a visual novel gay dating sim with this idea. I got quite a ways into the first chapter of it. the plot there was typical queer trash (some of you would love it, I am sure), but with these summoning rituals a player can find and decode that line up with background set dressing of abductions to summon some sort of being. there's something to the concept, I've bounced around a few more ideas. a Pokemon like thing with a self aware 4th wall breaking character behind the evil team who wants to ruin the world game so they can not exist by the world being ended. whole crisis of the self about if his actions are even his even wanting to not exist. I just felt that was a bit weak.

I was forced to go to the doctor. They were nice, one assumed I was afab and agreed with my intentions to get supplements and see a psychiatrist.

That UTI became a raging full body yeast infection and my symptoms while better still aren't clear, I still pee like twice an hour and should probably go back to urgent care for like the 5th time when they're open. I wanted to organize my house and job hunt so I can be out of retail hell by the holiday season, not be fried by illness. The frequent urination deal is becoming an issue at work, so I might be out of a job anyway if this keeps up.

Update: I have taken cough syrup and also increased my gabapentin dose, since it's going well. My brain is verrrrry foggy atm.

::: spoiler covid worrying I worry about covid constantly but I haven't been outside in like two weeks and I always wear a mask, so. Idk how to differentiate though. Just sneezes and a frog throat, Idk. My wife is not ill at least...

E: rapid antigen turned up negative, woo. :::

Oooh, my arms are starting to look a bit more slim too

Felix says good morning to all

Fun fact, he gets all excited when I'm about to give them wet food and starts making this adorable lil squeaky honking meow, this is now known as the "can alarm"

He'll parade around my legs just beepin' away while I prepare it for them until I set it down

God save the bean

::: spoiler dysphoria in a call w/ partner's mom for the first time n i just keep thinking about how i must sound like a guy i have done zero voice training n my voice just is low w/ ppl i don't know help :::

touhou moment

getting lots of "buddy" and "mate" today? Idk what they're on about I'm hot af 💅

There’s a little background stress, but for the most part I’ve been vibing all day.

::: spoiler whining, bottom dysphoria stuff Just crying about it. I've been trying to distract myself but T won't let me forget about it. Too fucking horny I guess. Every fucking day I wake up and it (derogatory) makes me feel awful. Cried about it this morning. Well at least as much as T even let's me cry. More like "eyes get wet for 30 seconds". Even as a type this out I have stopped crying, not because my sadness is over but I just can't, physically. I don't know what to do.

I know all the things, I know E will help, all that. It just hurts in this moment. :::

my dad bought a shitload of bud light even though nobody in this house likes bud light, including himself 😐

just gonna say it, cancel me if you want:

pee pee

CW: Relationship issues ::: spoiler spoiler Yesterday my partner of five years told me that they're attracted to men, which I am most definitely not. We leave for an overseas trip in a week and I don't know what's going to happen. My brain has been in fight/flight/freeze since and the only thing I can muster is that I'm terrified.

:::

::: spoiler navel gazing Blegh, I way overshot my capacity for being emotionally vulnerable and now I feel all weird. How are you supposed to know your limits with this shit? I am always an open-book and yap very freely about how I think and feel, so it's weird that I am distressed by this, weh.

No I won't say what I did, it's a secret. A gay trans secret. :::

Are there YouTube channels or other resources made by trans folk that don't feel dysphoria? I overflow with euphoric feelings, bit I don't experience dysphoria (or if I do I don't realize it). I'm told that one doesn't need to experience dysphoria to be trans, but literally everything I've found online of people discussion their experience in detail has been the "I've known since I was 3 that I was a [gender]. Transition literally saved my life because the dysphoria was so intense."

I'm trying to figure myself out and it's so hard when I can't find the people who are supposedly just like me. I'm not sure how to process stuff without help, but it feels isolating that I can't find stories from people in my boat. It also adds to the "not trans enough to be trans" feelings, which I'm afraid are returning.

I feel way to euphoric even the smallest things, but it's so hard to figure out what that even means to me without hearing the stories of those who have been through it. I feel lost I guess is what I'm saying.

progesterone just turned up

Is there a trans to nurse pipeline?

gay baby jail

the gay urge of wanting to get figures of Bashir & Garak so i can make them kiss

Oxford comma use is vibes-based. Sometimes a sentence just flows better without.

::: spoiler (CW for alcohol abuse) bit idea: guy who becomes an alcoholic to treat gender dysphoria because he heard it increases estrogen levels :::

like 85% serious of a post:

how do i make my finger guns more femme? i keep doing them but they all feel very masc

anyone else here cut their hair? i literally have never done it unless someone forced me (usually my mom), so mine's kind of a mess right now since i haven't gotten it cut since before the pandemic

i saw this vid https://youtu.be/df-pASnCxJ0 (and the linked vid from the description), but is that all there is to it? i've been trimming the ends since i get split ends a lot (party due to running my hands through it so much) and i'm ok with a messy style, i just want to be in control.

how do you even use a styling razor? i've been doing just random scissors

edit: i have curly hair (although these days its more wavy for some reason??), should i cut it wet or dry?

edit 2: where should i put a part? currently i just do it mostly mid-part but i'm not really happy with that, but i have kind of a fucked up hairline and it hides it decently

edit 3: my priorities are absolutely not wanting any in my mouth ever (currently it's "long-ish" (fine hair so i can't grow it too much) but i always tie it back at the base of my neck which imo doesn't look very flattering)

it's funny how even without hormones, thinking of myself as a girl makes me more serious about taking care of my health and appearance

Anyone have ideas on how to make my hair fem in a way that vibes with still presenting masc? Considering the metalhead look, but I don't think the way my hair grows vibes with that. Any resource recs would be appreciated. I am not well-versed in hair style knowledge, which limits the context I can provide.

::: spoiler horny jesus fucking christ there's two things I desperately need someone to do to me Had kinda forgotten about some of it too. Literally why the hell is someone as awesome as me single ::: spoiler bottom dysphoria (vent) Not sure what there is to say but it does make me hesitant/nervous. :::

I have cleaned the FUCK out of my bathroom, please clap

🚽🛁✨

::: spoiler mental health/illness pretty sure I'm hypomanic

Idk, I'm restless and antsy AF and feel the need to be doing productive tasks at like all times the last couple days

Have a Dx of GAD and dysthymia but I thought I might have BP-II that a psychiatrist didn't really agree with, but he also Rx'd hydroxyzine for me without warning me about its interactions and side effects, so I kinda doubt he really knew what he was doing overall

That was also when I had health insurance which I don't anymore so I'm kinda just freestyling my brain weirdness at this point :::

calling my bri*ish/australian friends "mate" as an insult by enunciating the T

::: spoiler dysphoria, sad I really don't want to be dysphoric/spiral today but I am, it's starting. I'm crying right now. I'm stuck in this awful, horrible body. Yesterday was such a good day but I guess that can't always be me :kitty-cri:

I wanted to get more cleaning done today too but I don't want to leave my blanket. I just feel really sad. :::

more takeaways should move to my rural area and sell lots of vegan options. literally the only choice i have is domino's rn

I'm so glad I installed that dating app. This girl is amazing

is there a grammy that's more of a joke than "best metal performance"?

consistently the nominees are:

1. over-the-hill metal band from the 1980s
2. over-the-hill metal band from the 1980s
3. over-the-hill nu metal band
4. barely a metal band
5. extreme metal band creating genuinely interesting and new music

and then they'll give the win to metallica or something in the year 2024. fucking tenacious d has a win

Curly says good morning and is making biscuits if anyone wants some

Trying to figure out if I want estrogen 🤔

Okay that's a lie. I know I do. It just scares me 'cause I see it as a sort of point of no return. I also don't know if this several day long lack of imposter syndrome and raw comfort being a trans girl is temporary or if that feeling is here to stay.

Previous traa mega was just under double the comments of the news mega

Nog pls stop infecting ur peers w/ capitalism

Poetryposting

sad edition

::: spoiler the sad corner The sadcorner is very sad,
Stained with tears both good and bad,
Ill stay as long as i need to,
And cry out that which makes me blue. :::

Very frustrated that it seems that I won't be able to get a job at my school because I don't have federal work study. Well it's back to the jobhunting sites I guess.

i thought to myself today at work, "hey let's just listen to every king gizzard album over the next few days"

day one and i'm already on album 13 oops

pretty sure my comment count is going down? what's up with that

Went out with classmates. Very happy that I made the decision to enter the school year as myself. One of the girls in the class called me by a nickname as well based on my chosen name, which was very euphoric. It's also the same nickname that my dad uses for me.

Also turns out that next to the non binary person, there's also a lesbian in the class and I've been talking to her as well. It only sucks that I need alcohol to fully be comfortable around my classmates or to open up, as evidenced by the going out but at least we had fun together and we like to be around eachother.

My day has started with a beautiful gift of gay slop, havent even had my coffee yet and its already a good day

::: spoiler the q of lgbtq, some stuff that may potentially be upsetting if you can relate i guess ok so... for as long as i've been transitioned i've thought of myself as binary trans, but mostly due to lack of exposure to anything outside that (and a whole bunch of social pressures, of course). i've got a friend who uses they/them pronouns, but prefers she/her, but i don't think she's actually nb, just having to compromise on herself due to how society sees her, but since most of my friends are cis, i don't have a lot of exposure irl to different gender tendencies.

so, where can i read/hear more about the enby/others experience? i tried searching "non-binary" on youtube but that was a mistake as it seems chuds love this term.

tbh, i want to explore for myself more, as i'm struggling to figure out why i have issues presenting more fem (does it heighten dysphoria? do i not really want to? why can't i leave the house in a skirt, but i love wearing them around the house? is my mom a jerk (she means well) and gave me some trauma with expression?) :::

::: spoiler misgendering Was in a good mood last night, so I decided to play some warframe with a friend (I don't really like warframe, but he does).

Got called a man multiple times. Its kinda my fault, I haven't told him I'm a girl, but I have told him to use they/them. I don't think he was being malicious or anything but it still stings. I think if I ask him to stop he will. idk, might do that. I've never been good about sticking up for myself. :::

spent 3 hours at the DMV today to get a new driver's license photo but not actually change my gender marker. baby steps I guess 🙃

can't believe deafheaven released their best black metal song in black brick and then were like "let's make a mid shoegaze album instead of doing more of that"

I love those days where your hair just will not cooperate. Its being mean to me! Even up in a pony with a bandana over it looks not great cause my bangs arent curly like normal

need to get some kind of light in my garage so i can turn it into a gym of sorts, but there's no electricity.

i want to get swole but don't feel like doing it in the dark

Every time I look at the weather app, it shows the high temp going down to around 100F/38C. within a week. But then a week passes and the high is actually close to 110F/43C, same as it's been for the past couple months. This has been going on for weeks. Why is the weather app gaslighting me like this 😓

Of note is that my gf and I are extremely cute together :3

the supermarket used to sell these jamaican vegetable patties for 60p each. they're now £1.25

why even live

You ever feel completely left out of the zeitgeist?

::: spoiler the reason I think Chappell Roan's music is meh. I'm happy that so many people love it, but it's not for me. :::

Double, nay, triple the reps.

I'm gonna be stronger on HRT than I before I started.

It's like switch has been flipped and all my motivation to do stuff has returned.

oh my tits are getting real sore. i can feel the pressure building up in them and it is making me so fucking euphoric right now

pickup truck drivers are aggressive, sports/luxury car drivers are careless, but minivan drivers seem like they don't want to live anymore

you know sometimes I see a type of animal I like a lot, and like I don't wanna have it as a pet because it would not be condusive to a healthy living environment to be in a human house, but I want one as a friend. in particular I feel like this about owls

she drink my covfefe

::: spoiler more dysphoria shit Wearing a hoodie right now, but the sleeves got rolled up and I saw how much disgusting, pitch black hair is on me. If I can I'm shaving everything when I get home, jesus christ this is awful. Kinda tearing up tbh.

Thank fuck for hoodie weather though.

Also I hate someone talking to me and I'm feeling voice dysphoria, like genuinely just stfu and stop making me hear myself. :::

isn't it kinda weird in scifi when they have all the cool space tech and artificial gravity but people still wear bras? i feel like they would have invented a more comfortable support technology in the past 400 years.

I have a dilemma. While headphones and masks help a bit with certain sensory issues and otherwise protect me, they also hurt my ears which is another sensory issue.

My mother: Are you depressed?

Me: Duh.

The Democratic Kittens Republic of My House is happy to announce that Chairman Goggles has decided being scooped up and held on my shoulder like a pirate's parrot is sick as hell and fun and a great way to get a better view of squirrels out the window (he never let me hold him for longer than like 30 seconds and today I got to hold him for like 15 minutes, so we've made 30x progress)

working is really cutting into my reading gay slop time

::: spoiler More Wayhaven 2 yapping I could be fun if things weren't neurotypical all the damn time. Now that I am aware you should bully Morgan throughout the runtime of Wayhaven Chronicles, I'm having fun telling her off about my stupid car and shit. I like that she respects my assertiveness I think.

I do not want to have sex with Farah. She has to do way fucking more than this to get under my skirt. I have decided I'm putting up a cold front until she does more about it, allosexual-ass motherfucker. :::

love how my gay slop fanfics are gaining chapters while I'm over here reading gay slop from a "published in a book" -form. Truly there are no downsides.

VN Update: I have picked a setting. I've got some basic plot ideas. I've got some basic characters outlined. Time to flesh it all out!

I am really appreciating Obsidian rn, I'm not even sure how I'd be able to organize all this into a coherent project otherwise

Had plans tonight but was unable to get in touch with her at all, and calling immediately ends the call... I don't know if she lost her phone and it died, or if she's even okay. There's also the fact that

::: spoiler CW: Trauma dumping One of my exes ghosted me one day when we had plans, and while eventually I did encounter them again, I was left without closure for multiple years, and now I have a fear of people abandoning me. When I did encounter them again, they told me they didn't know I felt that way, despite us both telling each other so. Now I think my love wasn't able to reach her due to my inability to feel comfortable in the role of a man, and because I was unfamiliar with how poly/open relationships should function.

:::

I'm doing my best to fight my anxiety and trauma, but it's difficult because I haven't felt this way in quite a while and want to pursue a relationship with someone who's relatively new in my life... I've also been particularly excited about sex now that I've been on hormones for around 2 years now and get to reexperience a lot of my firsts in the role of a woman

Crazy most people don’t want to constantly rebel against everything, including the urge to rebel, resulting in perfectionism.

::: spoiler bad thoughts/vibes ::: spoiler suicide I can't stop thinking about (what feels like) my eventual suicide. What I'll do, how I'll feel, what I'll want done after. I have been trying to sleep but these thoughts force themselves onto me. These thoughts, fantasies, whatever have stayed very consistent for years. They disappear sometimes, but when they are present the ideas are always the same.

I am physically safe, and won't take steps towards getting means any time soon. I'm still trying to sleep. This is not a healthy mental state, people do not normally have these thoughts. I want it to stop, I want to stop needing an out so badly I'm willing to destroy myself.

I'm suffering. :::

i want a hat that says "men fear me, fish want me"

>look up Wayhaven Chronicles on a searx instance for giggles

>>>bunch of nerds on reddit and tumblr posting about it

Oh god what the fuck, it actually DOES have a fanbase. I bet it's fucking terrible - holy shit, it is best to stay on the bearsite about it

(cat reading newspaper)

I should get into more women musicians

::: spoiler dysphoria posting: now with disco elysium me: "ugh, my arms are so weird and long, i wish they were shorter and didn't look so manish"

[Legendary] SUCCESS: Many popular male body builders are rather shorter than average men. Their lack in height makes building muscle on their relatively shorter than average bones more easier, as they can stack more muscle onto less area, giving the appearance of having more, well defined muscle

[Challenging] SUCCESS: By the same strain of logic, your unusually long arms will become noticeably more slender compared to a cis woman's as the HRT progresses, as your muscles will be spread out over far longer of a distance. They will become very feminine despite their length

me: +1 morale :::

VERY fast raccoon moving at incredible hihg speed

Thinkin' of getting contact lenses, every time I do my eyebrows and take off my glasses in the mirror I think I look a lot better not wearing them but I'm worried contacts will give me sensory issues

Want to get new frames too but dunno what style

I want a more femme pair of glasses but idk if "women's" (why are eyeglasses gendered?) styles would fit my large oafish melon head

huh. either because I'm losing weight or the estrogen is working, my old, "male" shirts feel like they fit way more... baggy on me

Checked out the gay vampire text game because of some posters here

::: spoiler spoiler I'm playing as a complete girlfailure and unravel into a blushing mess at the first sign of attention. Love that it just lets me do that and doesn't try to force me to be badass or something :::

starting the new mega with somebody who gives me inexplicable thoughts about gender neutral restrooms

I continue to be really incredibly mad at Fluffychat because it sucks. There's a Restore From File login function that doesn't work, (uploading a keys.txt I made does nothing) a Password Forgotten function that doesn't work ("Unrecognised request") and an Add Password Recovery option that doesn't work ("Untrusted Server") either. Even though Discord is a dogshit mess it's really a small wonder that nobody moves from it, when it can randomly throw up garbage like this, or decide images just aren't gonna work today.

Why do the writer’s of this show think 5’3 is the cut off to riding amusement park rides?
Children can go on most amusement park rides.

shit was i supposed to post this one

In a special kind of mood today and wrote a whole post about kinks I've been fantasizing about lately. Now I'm debating whether I should actually post it or not. I don't want to invoke wrath but it's still kinda fun to talk about so 50/50 split on it

::: spoiler venting about family stuff

My mom keeps misgendering me. Keeps referring to me as her son, yadayadayada. It's starting to really piss me off. It's been almost two months since I came out to her and she still acts like it didn't happen. She lives 1.5 hours away and she usually visits about once a month. But she's cancelled the last 2 times she was supposed to come visit.

I've tried to bring things up to her over the phone a few times since I came out to her, but she changed the subject pretty quick. I'm just starting to get really frustrated about all of this. She's supposed to visit next weekend but I have fairly low hopes that she'll actually show.

:::

Class reading for my trans lit class! Not pictured: An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon, “Infect Your Friends and Loved Ones” by Torrey Peters, and an assortment of articles and excerpts.