join the matrix and you will get a

https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat

Subs, a new command has been sent down from the mountains, it states:

"Drink more water"

This may be incomprehensible to you. But it means you have to actually drink more water so you're not as dehydrated.

Until we meet again... *dramatic cape flair exit*

"this could work as a trans allegory" < me at literally every piece of media i consume

Not like I believe it, but it’s my birthday today!

Edit: thank you little trans people in my phone

Today is my first HRT anniversary Maybe I'll celebrate with some treats

"Interview of subject is not being recommended because of the questionable nature of his sexuality"

Wait are they saying that leslie would seduce whoever tried to interview hir and make them gay?

Edit: when you’re so gay and trans that it intimidates cops

estrogen <3

Thank you to our amazing admins for adding my pronouns!

tfw you havent done enough gender crimes to have a fed folder:

I was wearing my gay lil' jacket like this and my gf had the nerve to "correct" it.

moved into my college dorm. new school, new semester. got a lot of compliments on my outfit which was nice

i feel called out

::: spoiler Transphobia, incredibly messed up cis nonsense

There's an account on Twitter of two cis women who pretend to be trans in order to sell subs for their OnlyFans. They put a trans flag in their account name, and post pictures of themselves in their underwear with obviously fake bulges. They also refer to themselves as boys, because that's obviously what trans women do. And of course, transphobes on that shithole of a platform are defending them with braindead takes like "men who pretend to be women are now mad at women pretending to be trans! hypocrisy much! hurr durr!"

Everyone involved deserves a one way trip to

:::

You either die uncool, or live long enough to see yourself become a megathread poster

::: spoiler uh i dunno but NSFW for sure There she lay, mercilessly unfucked. As beautiful as ever, tragedy :::

the switchy desire to want to both top and bottom for yourself

::: spoiler related horny reason i got my new choker, chat! i look so fucking cute in it i just want to absolutely destroy myself in a sexual way being turned on by my own body is a cool thing that the hrt gods have given me :::

it's crazy how much i want to see my wife tbh

Accidently clicked the ppb link again this is so unfair

::: spoiler okay, let's try this again CW this is completely incomprehensible.

This is either not at all a hot take or the weirdest shit I have ever posted, who knows. I am a filthy motherfucker, I have a powerful fetish for...

...cohabiting

I guess I kind of jumped off of this from the lesbian u-haul meme, and also when your wife flies like 2800 miles to you, you start living together, Idk. But I have a strong-burning passion for it that's probably not normal!

To me cohabiting is almost more intimate than sex. I'm really into the ins and outs of living together and the fact that capitalism makes it difficult and complicated is just another crime to list in the future Victims of Capitalism Museum. I feel like you can't really know someone better than observing their quiet little daily habits, the stuff they do without thinking. What time exactly teethbrushing happens at, stuff like that. Cooking together is both fun and enlightening. Making decisions together about the house, I think you can tell a lot about someone by how they'd lay out a room, what their priorities are.

I love digging into that stuff, and to me true love is learning to wholly embrace someone's weird livingspace quirks. Some stuff is always gonna be a dealbreaker, like if someone is really bad at dishes, but my wife puts the toilet roll on "backwards" (facing the wall) every single time, apparently because her parents were actual demons

Of course the best part of cohabiting is having GAY AFFECTION permanently ontap for free. I'm an obnoxiously clingy person so I really enjoy just draping myself all over my beautiful significant other, it's uncommon for me to be more than fifteen feet or so from my lovely wife. When not cohabiting I often get caught up in long stretches of gay longing, y'know?

Since I am also a bookfucker, this utterly filthy behaviour extends into my reading and chat, there is a pathetic dearth of books, or like manga, whatever that feature sapphic cohabiting. To some extent it's understandable because romances as a rule (by royal decree of the Romance Writers of Amerikkka) are usually about the commencement of a relationship, rarely its progression. But bleeeeeeh where are my cohabiting gays?! The Weight Of Living by M.A. Hinkle has certain "domestic" vibes that are adjacent to this, but I strain to think of any fiction that actually features cohabiting at all.

I'm a real freak in that I desire to get right into the heads of your characters, like one of the things I really enjoy about the average A Novel is that they're so navel gazey, they tend to be good character studies as a matter of course. But Idk if you can get more intimate with fictional characters than knowing about their living habits, especially seeing how they change when living with someone else. Feel like it's a dimension that doesn't get explored enough in the gay shit I read, and I demand someone do somethin' about it.

TL;DR :::

Who has two thumbs, and just got her prescription for HRT?

👍 This girl 👍

Mega refresh before bed ❤

Wow having a mega topic is neato. Fucking grim though, also! Death to amerikkka.

I keep waking up at like 4am after sleeping for 4-5 hours. Can't get back to sleep. Didn't have this issue when I had someone sleeping next to me

In other news I went outside last weekend

Kittenposting

This is Curly and he loves tuna, tummy rubs, head massages, patio furniture, camping chairs, crocheted yarn balls, sitting in my lap, climbing rhododendrons and taking naps in a big pile with the other kittens

just found this on an old hard-drive, I am very funny

Oh no I dropped the popcorn in my cleavage

Smh Pokemon

Wish me luck folks, im gonna try my hand at eyeshadow today. Got brushes, some really weird pallets, just gonna try and see what happens

"THIS IS WHY THERE SHOULD BE A UN MISSION TO SUMMON ENVER HOXA FROM THE DEAD TO SAVE ALBANIA ONCE MORE" and other shit my wife says

gf saying my 5head is perfect for forehead kisses begrudgingly makes me feel alittle better about it.

Good night you absolutely wonderful people

(The puppygirls get spammed until and after they get added as site emojis)

hello new trans mega

It's my transiversary today!!!

4 years ago today, I socially transitioned! All the way out, all the time. I did HRT later lol, don't remember which month I started anymore

Regulators: You need to get a psych's permission for your monthly refill of your adhd meds because we think you're faking and really just a drug-seeking addict

Reality: Oh fuck I forgot to take my meds for the third time this week

Explains why I'm so unfocused today. I guess I'm having an early coffee

::: spoiler family stuff Decided to go to Florida over the weekend to see my mom before she passes. After a lot of thinking and more anxiety than I have felt in most of my life, it feels like something I need to do. Wish me luck and safety, comrades! Not looking forward to seeing certain family members that I have not spoken to in years for good reason. :::

downside of losing weight is your boobs get smaller

In retrospect Naruto’s genderbend jitsu awoke something in me as a kid.

“All her male friends are queer except for me ”

My workplace did well hiring the enbies and I guess had to balance it out by hiring an incel.

Guy is always making random remarks about women. Just brings up university women randomly and how they allegedly don’t care about the issues they march for. A very bubbly customer came by and when she left he said, “she’s adorable….and that’s her entire personality.”

Today he asked the autistic guy if he gets pussy and spit out a starburst candy because “it tastes like a rainbow flag.”

The enbies don’t like him and he’s always making remarks about how they’re enbies because they’ve been brainwashed by US propaganda (he means Netflix). It’s funny how the right-wing across the world all have the same script.

I think I'm the least brave trans person I know of

Wtf is a matrix I thought we were supposed to take the red pill and get out of it

::: spoiler nsfw It unironically does make me kinda sad to think that the cishet mind's entire concept of sex is "stick thing in thing, saw in n out for a bit". Like, there's nothing wrong with insertive sex obviously but there can be so, so much more to it than that, and opening my mind up to all of the other goofy possibilities is one of those things that took it from being miserable to actually kinda fun for me. Sometimes you see a cishet person talkin bout something sexual and just... man, they're missing out y'know... :::

If it's hot out a skirt should be cooler than trousers...

holy shit this girl who lives in my mirror is getting pretty hot and i have never felt better about myself in my life. HRT is finally delivering on the good shit after 4 months and there's still such a way to go? this is so fucking great

you transition and then suddenly a bunch of types of woman open up for you to develop yourself as like a video game with four skill trees and I rolled "Librarian, Bad Bitch, Lesbian, and Serene Forest Spirit"

weird combo but let's see where this takes me

felt like a confident, lesbian, bad bitch today. I don't know why I did, but as a baby trans femme I'm not going to argue or complain about feeling good about myself for the first time in 20 odd years so fuck it

As soon as I get a good haircare routine going, sleep on silk pillows, get my hair cut and maintained at a nice saIon with a nice scalp massage, new glasses and an eye exam, get my eyebrows threaded, get an ear wax treatment, pay for dental work, epilate and shave my whole body, spend time in a sauna, feel a nice massage, new tattoos and piercings, get my car repaired and do detailing work, then self actualize while smoking 5 blunts its over for you hoes

the joy of capitalism is watching the quality of products at the supermarket decline while the cost goes up

Re: my last message here:

My first day at this school went well and everybody from teachers to students treated me normally. There is a nonbinary person in my class as well which is cool. I spent some time talking to them.

The cis, I say down with them.

I touched grass today, pls clap

5000 comment trans mega WILL be a reality before the end of the decade. bringing this up in the nextt 5 year plan meeting

Curly hair gang here again, FUCK YOU FIGHT ME

I informed someone here about my curly bangs problem, i.e. that all of my designated bangs-hair just curls up into two or three giant ringlets that hang out on my forehead. Very troublesome, not exactly doing what bangs should do.

She said it was cute, chat!

And so I continue to be bereft of good strats for bangs with curly hair. On hot days, even a straightening iron will only keep them floofed for like an hour. This sucks...

Just found out Abigail Thorne is in the new house of dragon season, and now I'm awake far too late at night mouldering over how much harder my life became after I came out

good for her tho, its not like she doesnt work for it, but I'm pretty desperately unemployed and have been for years.

::: spoiler sad shit Seriously I am so close to just doing porn or something

yes I am a privileged whiney first world nepobaby

ugh :::

What a fucking affirming weekend I just had. Like holy shit. This con was something I really needed on a personal level.

First off, my “coworkers” were awesome people and seriously made my time at the con so much better than I anticipated. I have so many more friends and a group of people I can trust now in this area. I am now going to staff this con every year whether I like it or not. And I really want to. I actually enjoyed staffing this con over attending most other cons.

Second off, it was the first con I’ve attended since my egg cracked at Anthrocon 2022. Also celebrated my transversary yesterday at the con. Two years!!!!! Anyways, I finally can say that the HRT is really doing a good job on me. Which is crazy cause I didn’t expect so much starting at 33. But I got hit on by so many fucking people this weekend. So many trans girls and so many men. It’s funny cause the girls were actually good at flirting and all the guys were like, “Hey, what’s up? Just relaxing here.” instead of like, talking to me instead of at me.

But regardless, all of the flirting (and direct comments from a lot of strangers), made me realize that I actually look really good. I have a feminine figure. A feminine face. A feminine voice. I have great tits (way too many people hugged me way too tight >w> and I know one did it to see if my boobs were “real”). Like holy shit I’m actually attractive and desirable for the first time in my life! At 35! I missed out on all of this for all these years! But I’m here and I’m loving every second of my new life and holy gods is it amazing. I’m so fucking happy right now.

I just now need to temper my ability to get insanely flustered when someone starts telling me I’m hot or look good or equivalent. So I can actually ask for discord or telegram or phone number.

Gods. Easily one of the best weekends of my life. Oh also I’m very loud and obnoxious in public as my true self and I regret none of it. I’m shocked I didn’t get thrown out of several places I ended up.

Computers are all women as shown by the impeccable logic of SCP-2029-J. Dr. █████████ is obviously a transphobe.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/410928da-c8a9-4480-b158-be759fe060c4.png

A few months ago I was unsure about my boobs but now I know that I want them gone. Because of terrible laws in my country it will probably take at least a year before it’s possible but that’s okay, I think I can wait and at least I won’t have to pay for it

i dont remember who the person was who recommended tea tree soap for washing my face, but it's really good

so uhh, thank you

My overwatch 14 day suspension is up in 4 days and I finally got a response to my "what did i even say" ticket

::: spoiler spoiler

A Game Master resolved your ticket, and left the following response:

Greetings.

The penalty notification email includes all information that will be shared. Customer support cannot provide additional details of any kind.

:::

okay cool thanks very cool super cool

Guess I can't say frick anymore

I'll just continue to get called a pedo for picking sombra and praying the mods ever actually do anything ig

Got some real thigh highs. Not like the kind that stop right up to your knee, but the ones that go all the way, also they're sripey because of course they are <3.

They should make a law that all socks need to be long enough to reach your butt.

Looking down and seeing my legs covered in baby-blue/white stripes this morning was such a hit of euphoria I ended up holding my legs and giggling on my bed like a weirdo. I can't believe how strong of a drug that shit is.

I am feeling very euphroic, and VERY trans this morning :)

Need coffee

every swimming pool should have a sign saying "you must be this transgender to enter"

I got a new backpack yesterday and my girlfriend immediately said it was queer coded.

Additional kittenposting

ATTENTION: Comfy trans girl getting very eepy, may eep soon.

Goggles wishes all a very gay good day

thinking about link rot and how much material that's not even that old is no longer accessable on the internet at all. then further, how much shit people host on fucking discord these days. wanna download this mod? join our discord! forum for a community? it's now a discord! fan game? yeah the download is hosteed on.... our FUCKING DISCORD.

I don't want to join your discord! and ALL of that history and community is gone when one day, in 5, 10, maybe even 20 yars, but eventually, discord will shut down; and more than likely, they'll lose or delete your data long before that point. myspace losing a fuck load of data back in the day is the single largest loss of independent music short of cultural collapses like the late bronze age

I'm disappointed that cis isn't the written form of a Russian word now

Damn i really don't fit in anywhere :(

my scanning of this site is extremely unhealthy at this point

this is stupid, i don't even comment, just spend hours vainly looking for new replies and comments. Saying things just to say things.

i don't like being that person

intentionally pissing off the judge to be held in contempt of court just so that i will be held

I'm aroace, but getting on here and reading about how some of ya'll talk about your cute ass relationships has me rethinking the aro bit not gonna lie

Apparently all you're allowed to know is that I have gay thoughts

When I dream, I'm always more of an abstract form of a human rather than a visual representation of one, but last night I saw myself as an actual visual entity for the first time ever, at least that I can remember. And I was fem as hell. It was nice.

Had a job interview and fucked it up right at the beginning. I got really nervous and couldn't figure out what to say

Depressed I have to wait even longer to be with my gf.

BCE = Before Cracked Egg

CE = Cracked Egg

Hello blue hair and pronouns communists. I want to dye my hair white. I have never dyed my hair before. A lot of guides tell me to go to a hairdresser but I don't want to and can't afford to do that. Do you have any advice? I know basically nothing about dying hair

::: spoiler semen based post, lamentation No more girl cum 😔
It finally happened, HRT has taken it away.
HRT giveth rocking tits and cushiony ass, but it taketh away
Goodbye... old friend :::

damn i love my outfit today

So fucking tired.

Hello everybody, I hope you are having and will have a great week!!! Much love and Up with Trans!!! 🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

Kittenposting

After further review, they have decided indoors is cool and good and the bed is warm and comfy

holy shit, some switch in my mind just flipped like 40 minutes ago. idk what happened but suddenly I got hit by this wave of like... contentedness and accepting of my body? It doesn't really look like it, but my body IS a woman's body now. I just felt... warm and light and relaxed and I can just FEEL the natural feminine state of my body, even if it is "masc" or whatever. This is a woman's body now and I have no doubts in my mind about that

home from work. also i'm gay

I love my partner

On the one hand, I had an exhausting and frustrating day and feel gross about myself and sad and angry about some infuriating family shit

On the other, my sunflowers are blooming and raising kittens is extremely rewarding

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria, sad, horny I fucking hate masturbating. Fucking disgusting shit. The dysphoria, the sadness, the guilt, it all sucks. I never want to feel horny again. Why the hell does my brain do this shit to me. ::: spoiler suicide ::: spoiler bad ::: spoiler probably the worst I've posted, seriously Honestly how tf can I not want to destroy my brain for what it puts me through? Fucking sick part of my body. Everything else tries to do its job at least. Not my brain. Deeply unwell, makes me feel awful constantly. So many issues, many not fixable. Should be destroyed. It will not be satisfied in life. If I had a gun right now I'd shoot myself. This feeling has only gotten worse with time and I don't see a way out. I felt a lot of these things as a teen and I do not wish to go back. Why, with the promise of clothes and hrt being soon (tm), am I continuing to get worse? Conditions get better and I feel worse? Deeply unserious. These spirals are almost every day at this point, and the fantasies are getting more graphic, more intense, longer lasting, everything. I can't go back to how things used to be.

Dear god why do I not have a gun.

I know this is a very selfish thing to post, so I may as well tell you all that I'm physically safe right now. I don't know how reassuring that is given all of what I just said but whatever, its the best reassuring I can give you, dear reader. :::

AuDHD is actually one of the best uses of the two wolves meme.

::: spoiler chronic pain, body Welp! I'm finally at the point where sans prescription painkillers, it is pretty painful to get up from sitting. Me when my fleshform is failing me.

That's okay, body, I still love you. Sucks you'll probably become fully useless before I'm 30 but we'll keep at it. Altering your flesh to make it something you really like, and then having it ruined by chronic pain, that's some kind of cosmic joke.

More and more it's not just the sternum, random portions of my entire torso are screaming in pain. My strength is fading ✨ :::

I'd probably enjoy multiplayer games a lot if gamers weren't such assholes

went out for a jog at like 6am and someone was grillin

tfw dry skin

trying to will my right tiddy to start getting sore and growing like her left sister be like

thinking about kicking a door and busting a head or two.

Have been offline a lot and I haven't contributed enough posts to the trans mega this week.

oh yep. tiddies vvv sore. should mean fun growth soon, probably :)))

Oooh, my tits are starting to hurt again. Good sign they're probably going to grow more soon, which is good because they've been too normal feeling for too long

yo, they announced balatro merch? damn I really shouldn't spend this much money on a jpeg of a joker on a tshirt, but I want it

just dropped a plate and it shattered

Hopefully my great uncle just stays asleep the 3-4 hours I have to watch him.

I’m in my edgy atheist phase again after reading about babaylan

(yes I’m aware they were religious figures, which is incompatible with atheism)

>post about makeup a lil

> over 40 replies

I love the Trans Mega!

I've had to use the bathroom 3 times within the past two hours ago. I'm not even drinking much water, is this the Spiro experience?

Whomst do I message to request them to add new pronouns? Would love to try on sie/hir

New Mega

When you hear a song on the radio that really meant something to you and that you used to sing along with in the past, but can't stand anymore because the singer revealed themselves to be a transphobic shithead.

I'm having a bad day and this fucking cooked memory of being at a gallery with my mother just flooded back to me. We're in some dimly lit room, there's a temporary exhibition about mental illness. The mother points to some of the art and says something like hey that's like what you write / draw whatever. we don't discuss it further, I continue to struggle with poorly managed mental illness for 15 years. Death to the nuclear family.

urgh I want a cigarette and a cry.

Absolutely bums me out that art is just the playground of bourgeois fail children

::: spoiler thinking about music, cw suicide Been listening to a lot of the same songs today that I listened to daily years ago while planning my suicide. It's weird, like I remember how they made me feel back then and I can kinda still "feel" the feeling hanging around me, but it isn't suffocating me anymore. I am thankful for the songs because they were keeping me alive, but now they are a reminder of a dark place in my life that I don't need to be reminded of any more than what I usually am.

Shame really, there's some bangers here. Ah well. :::

Gift for Women

::: spoiler That's me! Doing some nail polish shopping, a lot of options, and apparently they all make great gifts for women :::

just wanted to share this lol: CW for insanely horny post

Bit the bullet and got TikTok cuz I got ADHD, why not get some easy dopamine? ND, trans, music, commie recommendations? Or otherwise.

Edit: the algorithm got me for the first two things. I’ll figure it out, but recs still appreciated. I didn’t expect so many vids to have too much information to process, but I can rewatch. So many pretty people.

I don't have much trans related stuff to post, so here's why I love cutting and eating apples.

There's just such a system to it, yaknow? I always cut them the same way, sometimes I'll just continue the pattern for longer. Nothing quite makes brain go brr like patterns and systems. The crispness is also really satisfying to cut through and then eat. And then obviously you can dip them, usually I do peanut butter (which is also perfect for making brain go brr, very consistent, texture I like, just tastes good), but right now I've got carmal (I love that people say this word two ways, how funny). The whole process and snack is just great, lots of little systems I can do every time.

oh £800 to renew my car insurance? how about you fuck off and die

Love sundays, I can mess around with make-up and try things I'm not 100% sure how to do yet without any pressure to get ready in time. And if I make a mess I'm the only one who will see it

Im gonna try and go to get my levels taken and maybe get a perscription tomorrow. Ive been doing DIY for almost 2 years, never had my bloods done, only been on E monotherapy. Chat, im scared.

::: spoiler The challenging/anxiety inducing aspects of this are many. In no particular order:

• i have to go outside and interact with people
• i have to go downtown, and even worse, park downtown
• this place doesnt do appointments at first so i just have to go walk in and ask for what i want
• im afraid the doctor will say i have completely fucked myself wrt breast growth
• im afraid the doctor will say i have ruined my health in some other way, possibly irreversibly
• what if i get there and they cant see me for whatever reason
• what if i break down during all of this (very real possibility)
• how will I pay for it? I have no health insurance, and i think they do sliding scale, but im freaked out about this one in particular

:::
Theres probably more to be freaked about, thats just off the top of my head. One of my friends might take me, but i just feel akward and weird. I know i cant take care of myself and need help to do basic stuff like this, but i dont like admitting it and having someone with me will probably be more anxiety inducing than otherwise. The cortisol is running high these days

My biggest hurdle was paying for parking, but i fixed that one (i downloaded the parking app (it only took me 6 weeks )). And now im faced with all the other anxiety inducing stuff. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh incoherent babbling screaming

Trans chat was talking about the soft lovey dovey romance and it's had me thinking!

::: spoiler sad ish In most of my adult life, I've always had someone else in bed when I went to sleep. It was weird the first few months after the breakup, they'd never be there again and I had a really hard sleeping on my own. I'm more used to it now but it's still kind of weird to have no one there in bed I guess. Or when I go home, no one else is there, I don't have to cook for someone else, there's never food prepared for me (not that much change there...). It still feels empty that the cats aren't with me.

There's good stuff, no one is staying up late keeping me up. No one is complaining about the food I made. The only mess I clean is mine. When I want to watch something, I pick it and don't have to wait or ask for the TV or whatever. I'm free to go where and when I want and never have to check in, or make sure someone else is set up, or anything.

As much as the loneliness sucks, being in a bad relationship was worse. It was like being alone and feeling lonely next to someone who insists they love you :::

So something weird happened today. The trans gods decided to make all of my co-workers forget my name, so I got to re-introduce myself (they didn't autocorrect to deadname this time 😄). Additionally, while I still get misgendered, I might have heard someone refer to me as she/her? Just once? I might be going crazy, but I'm going to pretend that's 100% what was said.

Also about to bump my HRT to the next level, I'm getting bloodwork soon and will ask for some blockers in addition to the E injections. I don't know why I decided to make myself wait for this a couple of months ago, clearly I like to see myself just sit in anticipation. /s

uh so i dislocated my toe, it feels very weird

do not jump off the bed it HURTS

Yay new mega! Feels cool to be here at the beginning of one. I met some trans people IRL last night and that was cool.

Thread mood: TIREEEEED

injection done. it was a left leg week which was good, because i find it so much harder to use my non-dominant hand when injecting my right leg

down with cis

I'm off to bed to read some gay books on my gay tablet. I was told that this book called "The Weight of Living" was good so now I gotta read it Good night to the pretty/handsome little trans people on my pc/phone

so...tired...

::: spoiler dating downloaded bumble. i have made my profile private for now because i’m about to go to a different state for college literally tomorrow so i won’t be able to go on any local dates. but god bumble is still suggesting profiles to me and chat, they’re hot. the nonbinarys are the hottest but i’ve even found some of the cis guys pretty hot… (so far bumble only seems to be suggesting me nonbinary folks and men, even though I also have women checked off as a gender I’m interested in dating, so idk what’s up with that). i’m so sad i won’t be able to date anyone from my town, I just feel like I would have matched with some of the hotties I saw. :::

::: spoiler deeply personal late night thing FUCK YOU I'LL NEVER TELL MAKE ME YOU GODDAMN LOSER NERD :::

Thesis: I am tired and should sleep

Antithesis: or I could refresh the trans megathread and keep talking to people

Synthesis: I will dream of you all and of this place

Good night

Update: im not eepy but i must sleepy. Preparations have commenced, let the body hit the bed (let the body hit the bed, let the body hit the... BEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD) and the lights turn low, eepy updates with the blow-by-blow, i must toss and i must turn, for this night this sleep i yearn. With plushies close and blankets wrapped, around me where i earlier napped, I lay my head and rest my eyes, and wait upon the sun to rise

Someone said I have nice hands and I might never recover :meow-melt:

::: spoiler CW gender envy, my usual wishy washyness

life update?

my co-worker the other day showing off how E had returned 1 inch of her hairline and then showing off her muscles

it's wild she won the E lottery i think even though she started past 30. i know she's trying to alleviate my fears (we can only talk about this stuff on the downlow like at most once a week)

still makes me feel like

but yeah i think im ready to at least do this DIY thing as soon as a little financial stability comes my way. my partner is effectively trying to outrun what i know is a coming brutal recession despite being in an industry that should be swimming in work. if they can lock down the one interested job offer (out of like 20) i can take a breath and start fucking with my endocrine system a bit

:::

EDIT: More cats added! I'm gonna sumbit this to c/emoji tomorrow, if you have any flag request lmk in the replies and I'll make them before I submit

::: spoiler cat hearts I made a few cat heart variants for different pride flags.

:::

I have begun experimenting with names. I realllllllly want to share my list cause they're cute af, but not online 😭

Oh I am feeling like a bad bitch today and I'm loving it

so eepy yet i can’t eep…

Wish I could sit down more at work. i can feel my ass getting a little squishier and it feels affirming

so due to Circumstances i've been really sick & probably will be for a while longer. it's v frustrating cuz i was finally able to escape finland & now all i can do is lie in bed

on a less negative note tho i feel like i'm finding my partner more attractive each day hehe

i miss the time when hexbear threads auto-updated. having to refresh sucks

so I just bought red dead redemption 2, it's heavily discounted on steam. that shit is one hundred and twenty entire fucking gigabytes. wtf... this is why I mostly just play indie game. like ok I have 2TB harddrive space, but I do not want to give 6% of it to 1 game

Threads so fresh the replies aren't collapsed.

Stalina is in the house

Reading queer romance to get in the mindset to write my own and

::: spoiler I'm having thoughts ::: spoiler impure thoughts ::: spoiler wanton, risqué thoughts ::: spoiler last chance to avoid reading these vulgar, filthy, obscene thoughts I want go to dinner with a hot professor lady while she infodumps to me for hours while holding my hand and accidentally brushing her leg against mine under the table :::

Bjork was so real for, on more than one occasion, attacking the paparazzi physically. I'd punch them too

no right to transvestigation, no right to transpeak

the feel of hair on my shoulders is so

I saw a Reddit thread where somebody said, “If the trans genocide is fake then so is white genocide.” And the conservatives who were previously saying trans genocide doesn’t exist were falling over themselves with several paragraphs to explain why white genocide was actually happening.

after experimenting with some light cross-dressing I can confirm I am cis, but I do like being cute & occasionally having femme elements to my outfit. I like being feminized for my partner as a sex thing, but I still don't think it's a gender thing.

edit: apologies if this doesn't belong here.

"damn it's late and i got to get up early tomorrow. i got to wind down and get to bed"

"YOU'RE NOW LISTENING TO RADIO YOUR HEAD: UP NEXT, THAT ONE SONG FROM THE INTRO OF YAKUZA 0 WITH THE SICK AS HELL GUITAR SOLO, ON REPEAT"

gonna get them to shave the side of my head next time i get a haircut. i've decided

Is it wrong to unmatch someone on a dating app purely based on emoji use? Especially this one 🥰 ruins the vibe for me in a first message. It just makes me assume that they’re going to lovebomb me and I can’t deal with that. I’m not aromatic but I’m also not super affective nor do I like receiving too much affection so am I right in thinking that we’re just not going to be a good match based on 1 emoji?

Why is it that I put so much work into a post and when I'm finally done I have doubts and suddenly don't want to share it? Too rambling, too personal, too unflattering, I dunno. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling a fear response to something I specifically wanted to share when it comes time to share. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection?

Treats acquired

Confession time

::: spoiler actual insecurity I feel I actually like golf lol :::

I don't have anything to do until 6pm today and idk what to do with myself 😭

trans girls be like "wahhh why don't i have tits???" girl you're 5'11" and weigh 125 pounds. eat something

> find an antisemite on tumblr

> check their profile

> homestuck porn

weebs jerking themselves off over gyaru when they would be the first people to be misogynistic towards white girls with fake tan and heavy makeup

booked a haircut for next week. come around to be excited to get the side of my head shaved

feeling real weird after feeling like so little about me has changed in terms of like, physical transition progress and actual personal growth, over the past few years when i was looking through old pictures of myself and found one from like 2 years ago where i just look visibly fucked up and gross as shit and think "oh god i am doing so good now wtf"

i'm addicted to petting cats aaa

🚨⚠️BREAKING⚠️🚨: Courageous dummy climbs tree, unsure of how to un-climb tree

(update: courageous dummy successful un-climbs tree without local oaf's assistance, pathetic humans all in awe at the climbing prowess of Goggles)

the doggo is sleeping at my feet, i have a pot of tea and it's saturday. it's pretty good and cool to be trans today

watched Star Trek TNG w/ partner :3 i had never seen all of it before. mixed feelings kinda but am looking forward to more ST. rn tho we're back to X-Files. might even be able to power through Buffy eventually!

tl;dr : slop comfy

Ugh I don't trust my therapist, keeps giving generic advice rather than more situational, she claimed the flimsy underfunded local rural job office had a career counselor, no it didn't, and they basically told me 'lol gtfo, too old', then on one of her visits she mistook me for another client which is the big reason I really don't trust her. At least she isn't frothing at the mouth openly transphobic like my PT was, that's how low the bar is. I feel like I'm really wasting time seeing her, better off with that llm chatbot Dr. Beagle its so bad out here. Then she's like 'oh there's this place that offers gsrm friendly therapists, no for not for medicaid/care nor uninsured. I hate being so rural, but when you're so poor, the allure of the city having all these potential jobs or places to meet people is illusionary since everything is a long drive or busride. When you look for help and there isn't any, yep life101.

There are some virtual jobs I have in mind, like medical scribe, but I know they're super ageist and lookist, so I probably won't make beyond the first round of interviews. I also need to give a full 2weeks out on my shitty retail job before I pick something else up, since I can't afford to burn any bridges out here and its one of the very few places that hires open/non passing gsrm individuals.

For some small good news I think my infection is getting better, caught a thrush deal from going wipe it clean 2024 on my bacteria, but hopefully that will go away soon.

::: spoiler s*x six :::

i hate that even if you get a good deal on the tickets, as soon as there's more than one person travelling trains become more expensive than just driving

laser session 9 done. apparently i missed a spot shaving yesterday whoops

There is a hole in my pajama pants pocket, so when I went to stick my hand in I unexpected started caressing my bare thigh.

you aren't inscrutable. in fact, you're very scrutable. i'm scruting you right now

get scruted idiot

okay ada rook’s music indeed slaps

I have once again touched grass

I was just video chatting with a normie friend and he referred to the "L G B Q Ts"

(only Cutie emote available)

trying to get documents together for my partner's visa application. i need so much stuff

::: spoiler They invented taking selfies with a phone to sell you more beauty products, but the problem is not you;

You are lovely, attractive, maybe regal even - the pinhole lens simply cannot contain you.

I was fuckin' around with makeup on today and mostly using A) the bathroom mirrors and B) a smallish (10"×6") desk mirror. I thought I looked pretty good in these but was deeply displeased with my image in my Moto G8 Power's screen. I did some sidebysides and sure enough, I look dramatically worse in the phone cam. It's not just like compression or whatever, the fact that the lens gets blown out by sunlight, it's also that its geometry seems wrong. The selfie camera (less than 3mm wide) exaggerates the center of my face, distorts my nose hugely. Looks absurd, it's like a light fisheye lens...

My wife's Moto One Vision is better but still doesn't capture the light correctly. It is at least less much distorting to my goofy face. Honestly though taking good photos with phones is as much a battle with a shitty camera as it is you actually looking good. You probably look fine.

I am gonna take all my fucking pics with a full frame DSLR, fuck this. :::

Stayed up way too late with my queer AA group and woke up 3 hours later, why must I be cursed to always wake at the same time

::: spoiler thinking about puberty (not sad though) You know, I wonder how cis people actually process puberty.

I feel like I remember most adults/teens telling me it's rough/hard, but like, idk. I imagine they're more or less happy with the result. Obviously I can't compare it to my second puberty that much but like, I'm stoked to get my woman body. I know they don't have gender dysphoria/euphoria the same way trans people do but like, its got to be a little exciting to get your adult body that matches what you want. The only thing I can think is just like, being a kid in general is hard sometimes? Other kids can be mean?

::: spoiler talking about my own puberty, voice dysphoria (not sad about it rn) I don't think my first was as traumatizing, at the time, as a lot of other trans people's. I do remember hating my voice changing, and that hatred has carried through to present day. Now I have an answer for why, but a cis person wouldn't experience that. And even though I'm trans, and had some envy at the time, I think first puberty was more or less fine for me at the time? Maybe I've blocked out feelings but I think I was very at that age, everything was more or less fine. My issues with puberty have come on much more recently, and I'm guessing cis people don't experience that either. :::

The conclusion here is I don't understand the cis, and who better to ask about cis issues then a bunch of trans people.

::: spoiler I wish I could turn yearning on and off manually. It can be really nice! But it gets old sometimes ig. Like, my dearest heart, i understand, you wish for a sylphish being to love and be loved by; to be soft as a zephyr with; who can in an instant throw you down and bind you in its vortex. I understand, i really do, but would you please SHUT THE FUCK UP SOMETIMES!? :::

Does anyone here want to share their experience with getting a gender incongruence diagnosis? I just learned a bit about the process in my country and apparently it can include talk from your practitioner with a friend/family member?? That seems so weird to me because why would anyone else know more about my own gender than me?

Also it can take up to like 6 months of weekly appointments to get a diagnosis which is wild!

‘Luckily’ I already have a year of waiting time behind me for some other thing which could be transferred to the gender section of the same clinic so at least I should be able to start the process of getting a diagnosis soon. Now knowing about the intense process that is getting a diagnosis I understand why there’s such a shortage of trans care practitioners…

waking up in the middle of the night because I ate a bag of (vegan) candy and now my tummy hurts

turns out that when you dont eat this shit constantly it fucks you up

Telling yall what i was up to last night would get me sent to volcel death row so im just gonna say I got called cute a LOT 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

(watches women's Aussie football gayly)

(thirst) ::: spoiler spoiler tall buff butch player #14 on the Brisbane Lions, hello :::

The doggirl emotes are lovely, but I kind of wish they had companion catgirl emotes...

can i get some advice for college, just generally getting by and shit. this thing is hard and concentration is shit.

Not to toot my own horn but...

I finished my coding project I was working on and it fucking rocks It ended up being way fewer lines than I thought it would be (like 250, and a bunch of those are docstrings), and it provides some cool functionality augmenting the existing object system. Unfortunately this part of the object system is underspecified, so Im depending on community standards instead of language specification standards, but the behavior of everything is agreed upon enough that everything should be ok

I know this system isnt terribly relevant to most problems, but for where it is relevant it makes everything easier to do, and if just one person puts it to some kind of use ill be ecstatic

Idk ig Im just happy and feel good about myself, which isnt often the case \(^·^)/

fell asleep on my reading tablet again, chat

WATCHING SURVIVORMAN, SHAKING MY HEAD SOLEMNLY: this wouldn't have happened if it was survivorwoman

::: spoiler sad, talking about self harm Woke up still feeling like shit, hasn't gotten better. Terrible sleep last night, extremely dysphoric. It's mostly sh fantasies right now, my leg is burning. Have shit to do all day too. Have knives the whole day. Idk. Probably fucked. ::: spoiler bottom dysphoria Part of why I slept and felt so terrible is I kept waking up with fucking erections.

Sh urges are real bad. :::

Do blue curtains symbolize 9/11 or being trans?

I bwurnt mah tongue

Whoever made Pinkie Pie het and have a child with the Weird Al pony should die

okay possibly bad fashion take incoming:

I truly do not understand cishet fashion. I will see people praise an outfit and go that's just a t-shirt and blue jeans...

and this is not to say that I think my style is some sort of one-of-a-kind, trends-are-passing-style-is-forever kind of thing. I personally love a lot of trends. sign me up for that cheap underbust corset belt thing, i think it's not even trendy at this point and i still want one. but just. I tried to watch a fashion video and every outfit in it was so boring to me and then I scrolled down to the comments and saw everyone loving it... I just don't get it. that being said i am very happy for them that they enjoy it.

oh shit that girl in the mirror's starting to get an ass now holy shit

::: spoiler walking my brother's husky, tightening the leash every time we come across a masc presenting person to imply that I know a perfect place for them ~i mean to imply i want to collar and walk them around like a little dog~ :::

I played beat saber for the first time in a year or so at least.

Pain.

Hopefully it'll help drop the weight :P

I want a gun, when I get a gun I'll shoot two things:

1. Linux or my graphics card. I can't tell which one it is that keeps crashing, but it keeps happening.
2. The gender metronome. I'll force it as far left as it can go then shoot it to stop it from ever going right again.

::: spoiler mental health stuff thinking about throwing up out of anxiety. i'll mull it over :::

regular mega

news mega

trans mega

BIPOC mega

my dumb ass trying to figure out which one is which

::: spoiler cw: lemmyworld dems transphobia

https://lemmy.today/comment/10711924

Comment in reply to an article for criticizing the dems for taking a step backwards in terms of trans representation at the DNC and the minimal discussion of trans issues:

That would be a morally correct political faux pas, that would result in Republicans scoring easy points just by saying >“See! We told you so!”

It’s the kind of suggestion someone in a leftwing political bubble would make, forgetting that to actually be effective, >you have to win votes from both sides.

There’s no room for tactical errors this election, even if they would make you feel morally superior. It’s not a game of >moral signaling, it’s a game of politics. The point is not to be right, it’s to win the election.

As of the time I copied the link to that comment, it was 31 upvotes to 2 downvotes (including my own).

Interesting seeing how quickly people defend democrats hide from trans issues. No surprise the "vote Biden at all costs; who cares if there's a genocide he's providing bombs for. Think about the domestic minorities like trans people" was just using us for ammunition. Of course ignoring the oppression of another group of people is seen as justified when its politically convenient. Makes it hard to be optimistic about the near-future in the US... :::

"wow yeah i love jungle music" people when you press them and realise they mean 90s video game soundtracks and not the mostly black music genre

Transvestigators: all celebrities are secretly trans and this is bad

My headcanon: all celebrities are secretly trans, and it's only bad because they have to hide it

Transgender

NO NATION BUT THE TRANCE TRANS NATION! NO WAR BUT THE CLASS WAR!!!!

Done the move, time to collapse on my bed

Rarity X Applejack
Fluttershy X Rainbow Dash
Twilight is Ace
Pinky is a slut

Estrogen got me feeling like everything going to be okay

i feel like the 9/11 hijackers missed a trick not using a concorde. faster + heavier

Going to a new school tomorrow as myself even though I'm probably registered under my official name. Don't look forward to having to correct people.

Spiro has been acquired, and I have taken my first one. It feels really good to be able to take something every day!

Shaved and feel much better for doing it! I need to get better about self care.

::: spoiler transphobia/dated at least, bad medical system Therapist keeps saying things like "well I'm proud of you man" and like stfu, you know I'm trans, you know I'm dysphoric, you know I hate feeling like a guy so please stop saying that. I actually need to figure out how to tell him to stop. I think his views might be dated? Like he'll say "they're a she, who was a he?" like wtf is so hard for you to understand. Idk pisses me off but overall I'm doing good today :kirby-spin: :::

You know, there's a lot of hay made over sexy kitsune fox girls. But why not kitsune fox sexy men?

“Yes, I was raised Christian and I don’t have religious trauma.“

Thinks about when I wasn’t allowed to have ear plugs or a Rubik’s cube or my phone or whatever and was thus hopelessly bored in church.

::: spoiler spoiler I understand that “trauma” has become over used and diluted. I hope I’m not doing that. :::

ugh my phone's camera fucking suuuuuucks

Conflicting discomfort of wearing anything around my neck and desire to wear a cute choker.

Contradictions sharper than late capitalism.

AT LAST MY NEVADA RE-READ POST

This was intended to be a simple post about my re-read of Orange Book. Since I knew I was going to be talking about the book right after, I was taking notes while I was reading. By the end, I had nearly 10 pages of notes and quotes. Clearly my brain wanted to get some stuff out and I decided to let her cook. And wow did she run with it, writing a whole thing that clocks in at over 4000 words of psuedo-psycho-babble and navel-gazing. And there’s a part of me that feels like I didn’t even say everything I wanted to say while also acknowledging I’ve already said way too much.

On the plus side, it's a megapost for the megathread.

I hope everything makes sense and this flows okay. I wrote this in bits over the course of multiple days (like 9 or so?) and what I was trying to say evolved as the days passed and my mood shifted sooooo if it comes off disjointed that’s probably why. I tried to go back and edit it a little but to be honest? My brain wouldn't let me do much else until it is done and now that it is I’m tired of looking at it and want to do anything else.

All 3 parts are below in the sub-comments.

CW for all parts: Nevada spoilers, transphobia and dysphoria, mentions of sex

::: spoiler I just cant catch a break (cw death) ::: spoiler cw cancer Cancer sucks. My immediate familial relation redacted has cancer. They caught it early, so they have good chances apparently. 80% chance to live five years. Theyre in their early sixties, and really healthy. The cancer type they have has a high recurrence rate. I just want to scream but no sounds come out. Theyre doing everything they can, the surgeries, the diets. Chemo+radiation will probably come soon-ish if their surgeries dont go absolutely perfect. I just dont even know how to get my feelings out. I dont have a named feeling, just a lot of feeling. And emptyness. Wouldnt be me if i didnt have that emptyness.

Im trying to be there for other immediate familial relation (who is closer to immediate familial relation than i), but its just hard. I just feel so helpless.

As always thanks for listening and sorry for gloomposting all the time.

Edit: anyone got recommendations for some feel good slop to turn my brain off to? Ive worked through all the childrens shows already, but things like owl house, avatar, steven universe, etc. are right up my alley. Tysm <3 :::

I have so many thoughts about going out while looking very gender ambiguous and the way people treat me differently and how I personally feel differently. But those thoughts are way too unstructured to be written down so I’m just going to leave it at this: I feel pretty fucking awesome and everyone else wishes they could be as awesome as me

Chat, you know that feeling when you wake up and start reading your gay romance slop, but the words dont seem to make sense? And then you realise that you're still tired af and you've accidentally closed your eyes for a few minutes but didn't notice? No? Just me? Okay.

bro has zero fucking responses to his mating call in the forest 💀

Almonds are GOATed. I love nuts.

they should remove bloodborne from the playstation store and destroy all discs in existence.

if i can't play no one can

thinking about Cory from Undertale... i literally have a character design and everything

Trans chatters of a certain persuasion, if you were a dog what kind of good doggy would you be?

what if i peed my pants in the mega (not kink)

oh shit new mega

Slept without tying my hair down or using a sleeping hat because I'm a forgetful little goose . Had the loveliest feeling when I sat up and all my hair cascaded down my naked back

fragrances should cost less. i can't afford these. under communism tobacco vanille will cost £10 for 100ml instead of like £300 or whatever they're charging now

What does it say about me if I already struggle with jars?

I'm trying to figure out if I identify as a demi or just a lady, but I think a lot of it is because I'm okay with being visibly trans. Like I'm not even sure I'd want to be afab, like I would, but also not. I just want to be thought of as a woman. Not even sure that last part makes sense?

I guess that doesn't make me demi because being visibly trans and accepting your transness don't make you any less of a woman than a cis woman, but I guess I actually appreciate some of the masculine parts of being MTF. Like my voice is lighter than most men, but still lower than most women. I like speaking in a trained voice, but I don't mind using my natural voice either.

Not really sure if that means if I'm demi or just appreciate and enjoy being trans. I guess it could be both.

Edit: wonder if we can get transmega to 3K comments :p

tender boobs, my beloved

wow i can feel myself becoming curvier in real time holy shit

I keep running my hand down my side from my ribs to my thigh expecting the usual | but instead it's got a little ) now??? holy shit this is great

::: spoiler sad (dysphoria I guess?) I hate feeling like a boy. And that's how I feel right now. And bitter, very bitter. :::

my girl voice has a lithp 😔

I'm too eepy to make a good post to start the mega off with

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria stuff, sad After thinking a lot about it and what I'd like, I have finally admitted to myself and put into words what I've felt for a long time.

I will never like my genitals as much as I do cis women's. :::

::: spoiler dumb and kinda depressing Ugh it's stressful having such a combative relationship with makeup. I have thought I looked good in makeup once ever, and my ex's mother used way too much bronzer.

That was like eight years ago, and since then I've pretty much flipped out and powerwashed my face any time someone has makeup'd me. Today is a huge landmark I guess because Setting Powder -> Concealer -> Foundation -> Blusher -> Setting Powder actually looks good. It was still stressful because at various points I did wanna freak out and dunk my face in acetone or whatever. Nevertheless I Persevered though and my wife says I look really good. I took some selfies I like okay, very cool.

I just wish I could flip out less, it's weird and obnoxious. Getting makeup applied is actually really fun, why do I have to be like this... :::

hexbears once more proving my theory to be correct

Realizing my eternal vocal hatred of miasma (smells associated with contamination) was an ND thing. I wanted to wear a mask since before Covid.

my toe is fine now

it's september can it be cold again please

Alright genderisopsec, the encouragment was successful, heres...

poetryposting:

yearning edition

These are more freeform, not written in verse and rhyme like i normally do. Critique is welcome ^^

::: spoiler Summer August evenings, when the sun is low, the ground radiating the warmth of high noon

A dark alley, flooded with light as the sun kisses the horizon

Walk with me there
Your arm on my waist
That we might be as them
Sinking into each other
Flushed pink and crimson
Lips touch
Sinking, sinking
Ever deeper into the other
Until enveloped in darkness, freed from the eyes of the world :::

::: spoiler untitled (memory) Headphones blooming on a cold autumn day.
Rain brushes my cheeks.
Looking down the road, through the gray, to see you standing there.
To see our bed, our faery lights.
A cup of tea in your hands, touches your lips, with the faintest cinnamon.
I'm getting closer, yet still not there.
Awash in gray, shoulders heavy, face wet
With the tears of the sky, or perhaps my own.

Still walking
Still waiting
Still crying
Still uncertain
Can I reach you?

And if I do, can I stay?
A moment
An eternity
A memory.

Your lips
on my ear,
my cheek,
my nose,

Interlocked with my own.
The taste of tea remains upon them.
Cinnamon, Ginger, Honey, You. :::

butch goth woman in lesbian webcomic:

she's into pierce the veil:

Do girls have sideburns?
Idk what to do with mine.

Explain this to me chat. If I'm actually autistic, why when I get over stimulated do I listen to quiet music? Would it not make more sense to try and have silence?

I think I have demonstrated I am not actually autistic, because I like music too much.

::: spoiler gay version of mighty morphin power rangers theme

suck my little wiener 
suck my little wiener 
suck my little wiener, my little fuckin gay ass wiener
:::

::: spoiler anxiety, sad i was already feeling tired and then i've been dropped into a few unexpected social situations and i obviously didnt take the meds because i didnt expect them. fumbled those and feel like a fucking weirdo again would be nice to be a normal person once :::

MORE LIKE GAYHAVEN CHRONICLES

Play as female, male, or non-binary—with options to be straight, gay, or bisexual.

The three genders, twice. Honestly though when I was playing like, Perseids on itch my primary thought was "man I'd pay for like several hours of this" so this kissable interactive fiction sounds very good. I am of low experience with the genre (mystery? like when ur not sure if they're gay for u?) but fuck it, we ball. I am probably gonna try the demo honestly.

Indulge in true moments of romance, friendship, drama, and fun!

I WANT TO INDULGE

If someone says you are "pretty fem" you win the fem game, right????? What if two people say it?????????

The most powerful users have love/loves set as pro-nouns

Me occasionally on TikTok: damn this is too much even for me

Me most of the time: what? You’re expecting me to sit through a whole minute of this and you’re not even talking that fast? Where’s speed control when you need it?

::: spoiler Brazilian laser sesh Had a full Brazilian laser sesh done a week and a half ago. Plucking hairs down there is now a breeze.

If I can ever afford it, I think I'd like to laser everything once. Just so it's easier to epilate. :::

if one of my posts does well it's because i'm funny and popular

if one of my posts does badly i'm just ahead of my time

I went to see a show last night and had a really nice time. Got to hang out with a pretty girl in lawn chairs, have some beers and reefer, and listen to a couple of the best bands around for about 5 hours. Would recommend.

taro mochi is my fave flavour. my wife disagrees and thinks it tastes like shit. it's good!

tfw you get to sleep for 6 hours before your utter demon of a dog (he isnt even MINE he's just VISITING) jumps into your bed because he needs to go potty real bad:

ugh fuck 2 hour walk later atleast I can use the toilet now

Gf: “let’s play OW it will be fun”.
Actuality: Team is fucking stupid and fumbles the easiest victory imaginable.

Starting to think my friend gave me COVID. I escaped it the entire convention with good habits and hygiene, but it doesn't escape a friend who first tests positive while you're staying with them. Yippee. Feeling run down and tired. Just waiting for a positive test at this point to confirm.

::: spoiler autism, Buddhism, dissociation, trauma but no cws I realized something. It’s probable I wasn’t simply unable to cry due to T. The explanation feminists gave for why men can’t cry was that they were repressing it, and I’m like “I don’t repress anything gender related, it’s probably just biology. Yeah, some dudes cry frequently, don’t know what’s up with them.” Well, what if I was “repressing” something else: gross overstimulation.

I always been out of tune with my body. I remember years ago a friend was like “my mental health’s getting bad, I’m dissociating.” “What’s that?” “definition” “It sounds like I do that,” I said. “That’s like really bad.” “Maybe not,” shrugs I have had various autistic meltdowns over the years and I didn’t understand why that was the only time I could cry. Sometimes it was obvious why it felt so bad, sometimes trivial things were triggers.

I’ve made it through the past few years primarily by heavily fixating on communism. I almost never thought about my body, I was just a vessel for knowledge. It’s a good coping mechanism but can also get very escapist. I rarely thought about my needs or social presence.

Over the past months not only did I try hormone blockers which made my mind much clearer and loud for better or worse, I’ve done a decent bit of meditation. More than an ADHDer would expect to be able to do, but not that much. I realized my out of touchness with my body and obsessed over certain new sensations I hadn’t noticed before. Now that I am overstimulated every day and also being mindful, the pain in my stomach isn’t just a thing I occasionally notice and pin on a random factor, I cannot ignore it, and end up melting down.

Non-dual practitioners talk about how as they moved along the path they find things they didn’t realize they hid from themselves and cannot hide when things go against their nature. Trans people also note something like this as they attain a body more in line with their mind. There are autists saying they forget how to function at first once they unmask. It seems difficult to go on like this, but I’m not turning back. I still don’t have or wish for much of an ego. Maybe that’s what gives people the illusion of meaning, but I want to die before I die so I can live. Maybe hrt will help me get more in tune with my body, who knows.

So yeah, I thought I didn’t have any trauma but it seems like every autist has to. :::

yeah my dreams are getting weird again. idk why I go through phases of weird dream dreams. Sigmund, you'd have loved this shit bro

i'm genuinely surprised at how good these shitty £20 wireless earbuds are. the connector for charging seems a bit dodgy, i sometimes find they haven't charged overnight, but they have really good sound quality

LGBTQ+ obstacle course:

1. Whistling
2. Riding a bike
3. Driving a car
4. Possibly swimming but that's kind of too cursed

Packing is always such a stressful thing for me now. Thankfully this should be the last time for a while at least. But I still feel way too stressed.

::: spoiler drugs you know I wish cocaine had the effect on me it had on Stephen King. fam, I'd love to crank out 12 novels a year high on the gear. instead it just makes me normal and calm :::

Started walking on the treadmill at an incline and now the sides of my butt hurt.