https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat

JOIN THE MATRIX YOU DWEEBS

https://x.com/girlcel_/status/1825546663265722744

::: spoiler Cw: Transphobia, ableism

I'm so excited to be living with other trans people. My ex was a lib, and was supportive in that way, but would often talk shit on other trans people. One of her friends came out as non-binary and she (a cis person) said people were just doing it for attention. Hated neopronouns too. She was also super into those fake disorder cringe groups. I've thought a lot about possibly being genderfluid or non-binary, but I never felt safe exploring that around her. :::

I just read Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue

And

::: spoiler spoiler I think I'm a masculine woman? Now that I'm a few years into my transition and I'm feeling comfortable in my skin, I realize I kind of like my broad shoulders and husky voice and the muscles I've grown from factory labor. But but I also really like wearing makeup and accessories and being ma'am'd and and my new name and ~stuff.~ I don't necessarily want to be androgynous, but I also don't hate it? It's kinda fun when people get confused.

So, yeah.

I think that's why I took "too long" to stop using the men's restroom. I never felt uncomfortable using a urinal. :::

I check the modlog, I see 20,000 removed comments. I look, there is another cishet man dating thread.

My comrades, it seems a new purge may be upon us

This place was alwas a no go zone for me but something happened. I just posted about it in the regular mega but then realized like, wait, this is like. This is gender.

So uh, an odd thing happened. so disability services gave me this little tablet with a cartoon dog on it that helps give me remindrs and stuff. its honestly not that useful. but today it was giving like, a demographic survey.

and it asked me my gender and i frose? like ive never not confidently called myself a man lmao. even when i question my gender, its like "im basically 95% man". and somehow, through the process of freezing, i ended up saying im nonbinary. so that was wild idk.

i still think like "demiman" is like, the most accurate label but wow that was . i didnt expect to freeze like that

When cis people think they can make certain trans jokes just because they consider themselves "allies". How about

I'm not getting gender envy from a 50's cartoon doodle, you are

I feel so fucking terrible for my best friend right now. She got denied HRT due to high blood pressure. She will only be prescribed them if a medical plan is created to bring it under control. She’s so torn up over it and I just wish I could make it all better for her. The gods truly are cruel sometimes. I can’t stop crying for her.

I went out to a classy restaurant with my friend tonight. We proceeded to drag the classiness of the place into the bowels of hell cause that’s just who we are.

Bonus points! On the way out, I had a ciswoman clock me and give me the biggest look of disgust imaginable. It was in that moment that I was pleased that I could piss someone off that much be just existing.

I am so pissed at myself. I went to a late night panel with my friend tonight. Another gorgeous trans girl sat at the table with us. We clearly clocked each other and got to talking. It was very clear that we were hitting it off super well but my sorry ass got super flustered and squandered the opportunity to get her info. Like fuck. I’m kicking myself so hard. I hope to see her again so I can do just that.

Sorry if this is TMI but my nipples itch like crazy today >_<

This shit coming out about Pink News just reminds me of the long history of cissies throwing trans people under the bus (CW: transphobia). Fuck assimilationists.

We live in a cisiety.

guess what

::: spoiler spoiler i'm a girl :::

I'm in skirt gang again today this is weirdly comfy, I guess I'm just gonna wear skirts as a matter of course even when working on computers, who fuckin knows. Feelin chill.

Also at the behest of wifey I tried on some stockings, I did not expect these to be both comfy and cooling? Good meme.

excited to live with my gf in a month

People on r/jazz clapping like seals because Kamala named dropped Davis and Coltrane and downvoting anyone who mentioned the genocide into oblivion.

Some freak went through my search history and was like “you are trans, so you should be a good little minority and vote for Kamala”

I GOT A JOB LET'S GO

Getting targeted ads for girl stuff is simultaneously gender affirming and creepy

ALEA IACTA EST

sometime this evening, my parents will finally know that they have a daughter

i knew this day would come one day but i was hoping it would be later than this

::: spoiler TSA and borderline SA discussion I fly more often then I should, and ever since I transitioned, my genitals have been publicly groped after setting off the stupid fucking gender detector on the scanning machine, every single time. It's not a coincidence, it happened 100% of the times I've flown in the past 3 years and I have no doubt it will continue to. Its so fucking degrading to have a TSA wannabe piggie touch your junk (they really gotta make sure it's there) then give you a weird look when they feel it. LIKE IM THE WEIRDO WHEN YOUR THE ONE FEELING UP MY COCK YOU FREAK FUCK LADY. Anywyas, death to the TSA :D :::

Keeping an extra set of she/her for a person in need

did you guys know I have a gf?
she's real she just goes to a different country.

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst birthday I've ever had in my life. I'm not going to get into it, but some pretty major things went pretty horribly badly and I'd prefer to never have a repeat of that day ever again.

Turns out I've lost around an inch of height on HRT. I used to be right in the middle of average height for men and women where I live, but now I'm way closer to the women's average than men's. Idk why exactly, I definitely didn't have height dysphoria from being just a little tall for a woman, but the change still makes me happy

::: spoiler adhd autism Yeah I know I can just go to the comm but I don't feel like it, trans mega is my safe warm blanket space

Okay anyway so I know I have ADHD for sure, like not only was it easy to self-diagnose but I got an official diagnosis from a psych so that's like all sorted.

Autism has been way harder to pin down. Like there are some criteria I resonate with like a lot, and there's some where it's the complete opposite. And maybe some a mix?

It doesn't help that ND people I've talked to about it have been 50/50 as well. "Yes you do" "Nah you don't" That's not helpful!

Someone said take the RAADS when you're not on meds or stimulants and then try it again when I'm on them. I thought it was silly but I took the test last night with no meds/stimulants and got a score right on the border, and then I took it again today after my meds kicked in and I got 10 points higher?

Chat does adderall cause autism

Ok but seriously I do understand that ADHD can mask autism criteria so it does make sense that I'd relate that in a mindset where my ADHD stuff is reduced that I'd be able to see more of what's underneath but... it's so much on the edge that I'm still confused. Do I just have like the la croix of autism?

Where's the comprehensive AuDHD test when I need it? :::

I've noticed a couple people mentioning a desire to getting into more reading. I have some recommendations (and am always open to discussing books) that focus primarily on trans/intersex and queergender theory. I also think feministgender theory (absent specifically queer lenses) is an important backbone to queer gender theory, as early feminist writers describing the gender-class distinction paved the way for understanding queerness’s place in the gender-class distinction, but this list would be way too long then. Hit me up if you want some recommendations though. Some of these ethnographs rather than theory, or historical, or a bit more personal.

::: spoiler Let's start with the trans classics Julia Serrano - Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, which can be followed up with Excluded: Making Feminist and Queer Movements More Inclusive, and Sexed Up: How Society Sexualizes Us, and How We Can Fight Back, and Outspoken: A Decade of Transgender Activism and Trans Feminism

Emi Koyama - The Transfeminist Manifesto and Transfeminism: A Collection

Leslie Feinberg - Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink Or Blue, and Lavender and Red, and Transgender Warriors: Making History From Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman (a great read and interesting for its time, but be wary of accepting Feinberg's premise that contemporary concepts of identity can be broadly applied to cultural contexts across space and time)

Kate Bornstein - Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us and Gender Outlaws: the Next Generation

Riki Wilchins - Read My Lips: Sexual Subversion and the End of Gender

Susan Stryker - My Words to Victor Frankenstein Above the Village of Chamounix: Performing Transgender Rage (which is a fantastic essay) and Transgender History: The Roots of Today's Revolution

Susan Stryker and Stephen Whittle (editors) - The Transgender Studies Reader and The Transgender Studies Reader 2 (this one is edited with Aren Aizura rather than Whittle)

Viviane K. Namaste - Invisible Lives : The Erasure of Transsexual and Transgendered People and Sex Change, Social Change: Reflections on Identity, Institutions, and Imperialism

Esther Newton - Mother Camp: Female Impersonators in America and Margaret Mead Made Me Gay: Personal Essays, Public Ideas and Cherry Grove, Fire Island: Sixty Years in America’s First Gay and Lesbian Town

And this one isn't so much a classic as it is essential reading for trans studies for Marxists:

Jules Joanne Gleeson and Elle O'Rourke (editors) - Transgender Marxism (I also recommend Gleeson’s essay Transition and Abolition: Notes on Marxism and Trans Politics) :::

::: spoiler And now for some less well-known trans theory: Jay Prosser - Second Skins: The Body Narratives of Transsexuality

Joanne Meyerowitz - How Sex Changed: A History of Transsexuality in the United States

Angela Pattatuchi Aragón - Challenging Lesbian Norms: Intersex, Transgender, Intersectional, and Queer Perspectives

Rita Santos - Beyond Gender Binaries: The History of Trans, Intersex, and Third-Gender Individuals

Marjorie Garber - Vested Interests: Cross-dressing and Cultural Anxiety

Larry Nuttbrock (ed.) - Transgender Sex Work and Society

Andrea Abi-Karam, Kay Gabriel - We Want It All: An Anthology of Radical Trans Poetics (this is poems, more than theory, but so worth it)

Mark Thompson, Dorothy Allison, Guy Baldwin, Joseph W. Bean, Michael Bronski, Pat Califia, Jack Fritscher, Geoff Mains, Gayle Rubin – Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice

Hil Malatino - Side Affects: On Being Trans and Feeling Bad

Merrick Daniel Pilling - Queer and Trans Madness: Struggles for Social Justice

Morty Diamond, Julia Serano, Shawna Virago, Sassafras Lowrey, Silas Howard, Cooper Lee Bombardier – Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love & Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary :::

::: spoiler And this is for intersex theory: Hilary Malatino - Queer Embodiment: Monstrosity, Medical Violence, and Intersex Experience

Alice Domurat Dreger - Hermaphrodites and the Medical Invention of Sex

Anne Fausto-Sterling - Myths Of Gender: Biological Theories About Women And Men and Sex/Gender: Biology in a Social World and Sexing the Body: Gender Politics and the Construction of Sexuality

Catherine Harper - Intersex

Morgan Holmes - Critical Intersex

Nikoletta Pikramenou - Intersex Rights: Living Between Sexes

Julia Epstein, Kristina Straub - Body Guards: The Cultural Politics of Gender Ambiguity

David A. Rubin - Intersex Matters: Biomedical Embodiment, Gender Regulation, and Transnational Activism

Georgiann Davis - Contesting Intersex: The Dubious Diagnosis

Katrina Karkazis - Fixing Sex: Intersex, Medical Authority, and Lived Experience

Brandy L. Simula, J.E. Sumerau, Andrea Miller (editors) - Expanding the Rainbow: Exploring the Relationships of Bi+, Polyamorous, Kinky, Ace, Intersex, and Trans People

Elizabeth Reis - Bodies in Doubt: An American History of Intersex

Hida Vilori, Maria Nieto - The Spectrum of Sex: The Science of Male, Female, and Intersex

Stefan Horlacher (eds.) - Transgender and Intersex: Theoretical, Practical, and Artistic Perspectives :::

::: spoiler And this is queer theory more broadly: Hilary Manette Klein - The Problematics of Heterosexuality: Marxism, Psychoanalysis, and Mother Nature

Holly Lewis - The Politics of Everybody: Feminism, Queer Theory, and Marxism at the Intersection

Gayle S. Rubin – Deviations: A Gayle Rubin Reader

Sara Ahmed - Queer Phenomenology: Orientations, Objects, Others

Judith Butler - Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity and Bodies That Matter: On The Discursive Limits of “Sex” and Undoing Gender

Andrew Parker, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick - Performativity and Performance

Also Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick - Epistemology of the Closet and Tendencies

Carla Freccero, Michèle Aina Barale, Jonathan Goldberg, Michael Moon, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick - Queer/Early/Modern

Monique Wittig - The Straight Mind And Other Essays

Mary McAuliffe (editor) - Sapphists and Sexologists: Histories of Sexualities

Chrysanthi Nigianni, Merl Storr - Deleuze and Queer Theory

Suzanne J. Kessler, Wendy McKenna – Gender: An Ethnomethodological Approach

Thomas Walter Laqueur - Making Sex, Body and Gender from the Greeks to Freud :::

::: spoiler And this is examining abolition from a trans perspective: Joey L. Mogul, Andrea J. Ritchie, Kay Whitlock - Queer (In)Justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States

Dean Spade - Normal Life: Administrative Violence, Critical Trans Politics, and the Limits of Law

Eric A. Stanley - Captive Genders: Trans Embodiment and the Prison Industrial Complex

Jasbir Puar - Terrorist Assemblages: Homonationalism in Queer Times :::

::: spoiler And this is for reading about queerness in non-American/English cultural contexts Adnan Hossain - Beyond Emasculation: Pleasure and Power in the Making of hijra in Bangladesh and Badhai: Hijra-Khwaja Sira-Trans Performance Across Borders in South Asia (with Claire Pamment)

Xianyong Bai, Hans Tao-Ming Huang- Queer Politics and Sexual Modernity in Taiwan

Denise Tse-Shang Tang - Conditional Spaces: Hong Kong Lesbian Desires and Everyday Life

Elisabeth L. Engebretsen, William F. Schroeder, Hongwei Bao (editors) - Queer/Tongzhi China: New Perspectives on Research, Activism and Media Cultures

Eli Coleman, Chou Wah-Shan – Tongzhi: Politics of Same-Sex Eroticism in Chinese Societies

Howard Chiang (eds.) - Transgender China

Hongwei Bao - Queer China: Lesbian and Gay Literature and Visual Culture Under Postsocialism

Francisca Yuenki Lai - Maid to Queer: Asian Labor Migration and Female Same-Sex Desires

Don Kulick – Travesti: Sex, Gender, and Culture among Brazilian Transgendered Prostitutes

Gloria Anzaldua - Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza

Eunjung Kim - Curative Violence: Rehabilitating Disability, Gender, and Sexuality in Modern Korea

Hwasook Nam - Women in the Sky: Gender and Labor in the Making of Modern Korea

Fintan Walsh - Queer Performance and Contemporary Ireland: Dissent and Disorientation

Páraic Kerrigan - LGBTQ Visibility, Media and Sexuality in Ireland

Patrick R. Mullen - The Poor Bugger's Tool: Irish Modernism, Queer Labor, and Postcolonial History

Gul Ozyegin (ed.) - Gender and Sexuality in Muslim Cultures

Stephen O. Murray, Will Roscoe (editors) - Islamic Homosexualities: Culture, History, and Literature

Saed Atshan - Queer Palestine and the Empire of Critique

Sarah Schulman - Israel/Palestine and the Queer International

Stephen O. Murray, Will Roscoe (editors) - Boy-wives and Female Husbands: Studies in African Homosexualities

Will Roscoe - Changing Ones: Third and Fourth Genders in Native North America :::

Reading Feinberg and stoking my burning fury about the injustices inflicted upon trans people by shitty health care staff, but wondering what to do about it, and then Leslie herself says exactly what to do about it. Really thought of everything

::: spoiler interesting quote, cw discussion of transphobia "A very caring nurse recently told me she wished trans people would inform her of that fact right away. If she finds out later, she feels duped. And she believes it’s important for their care that she knows what their birth biology is.

To be blunt, it’s really not her business. Each trans patient must have the fundamental right to privacy. The question of patient self-revelation can’t be seen solely through a clinical lens. There are larger social issues. Maybe you feel you would treat this patient the same way once they came out to you. But when you put it in their chart, or mention it to the next staff member, the trans patient may be mistreated." :::

::: spoiler 😔 urge to talk to people and hang out, but cripling depression fuelled exhaustion :::

Bit idea: transfemme but she only ever wears jeans or pants.

(This was me until today)

told him to laser my neck even though i cant grow a neckbeard because I'm a little freak

the pain feels real nice

everyone that reads this is very pretty

Not very gender but holding my snake is very autism and comforting. Watching him look around, feeling him move through my fingers, very nice

I think he might already be in shed again, his colors are very muted and he's been acting like he normally does in shed. He's still as chill as ever though.

hi all. i'm transgender and gay

A year later and i still misgender myself in my head from time to time :(

i've been told to post about my gf. so uhhhhhh

i think she's lovely

this type of mixed use, walkabale, urbanism would actually be illegal to build in many parts of the United States

::: spoiler medical gatekeeping I hate my country's healthcare system so much. First I'm gatekept for not having gone through "real-life experience", and now it's because I'm over a certain age. Apparently only trans kids and teenagers are in need help. Once you're an adult you just magically stop needing counseling, therapy and voice coaching. :::

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/04bde518-3e23-4790-9c63-80462fa2b402.webp

Was thinking back about my time since I started my transition. One of the people I organize(d) with definitely started treating me differently! He got so much worse at listening to me after I transitioned, like to an almost comical degree. Recently he's pretty much ghosted. Kinda hoping he stays gone, but way too many people still seem fine with him.

trans girl who develops a drinking problem because she heard bud light turns you into a woman

the less depressing/problematic version of this is trans girl who becomes vegan because she heard soy turns you into a woman and learned a lot of tofu recipes

If you go to Hexbear's front page and sort by Most Comments, the 22/7-28/7 trans mega is the seventh most commented post on this instance, followed immediately by the 15/7-21/7 trans mega. Only the news megas surrounding Al-Aqsa Flood are bigger.

Obligatory "look what they need to mimic a fraction of our power"

CW dysphoria but not bad really, kinda funny? ::: spoiler spoiler (me smelling bleach cleaning the bathroom) Hell yeah, this rules, I just wanna be pureeee

(me smelling chlorine anytime I'm near a pool) WTF this sucks, now I'm suddenly 12 again and sad and uncomfortable about not wanting to take my shirt off for some unknown reason

(they're pretty much the same smell) :::

Uncritical support to being trans, one of the best things in the world 🏳️‍⚧️

woke up hungie af, but I need to go to the supermarket if I want anything >.>

I do not wanna go to the supermarket

::: spoiler drugs my wife really wants to try weed, amongst a lot of other drugs having grown up very sheltered. but she's gonna be so disappointed when she finds out yeah it just kinda makes you sit there for like an hour or so and say dumb shit you think is super funny, then you order like £40 worth of pizza and fall asleep. honestly one of the most boring crimes one can commit :::

Nobody shoulda given me access to leggings, it's terrible. It's like an entirely new level of looking at myself...

::: spoiler can you really say you've transitioned if you haven't accidentally smashed your boobs against something yet? :::

I remember when I was young (early 20s or so) I read an explanation of gender dysphoria, and not really understanding it thought "why don't you just drink a beer or something to cheer up lol" not realizing that's what I would go on to do, over and over and over, every day, for years 🫠

Angry today. Maybe too much, maybe I hurt some people. But I'm also mad at several. Trying to avoid hurting others now though. At least until I'm calmer.

Tried listening to one of my little positive self-care audio clips from when I was voice training and it helped but it also made me feel I should start working on my voice again.

Fuck it I'm doing it now, I need to put this energy somewhere.

I’m with my best friend at her first HRT appointment. She just went back. I’m so damn proud of her.

I finally have the courage to let go of the past (throwing away accumulated ketchup and sauce packets that are so old they probably taste like shit) 😌

Dick pill seller. I am going into battle and I need your strongest Rhino pill.

::: spoiler dysphoria I woke up this morning really upset that I don't look like a woman. I guess my brain tries processing gender stuff in my sleep because quite a few times now, I've felt one way falling asleep and another waking up. The times this has happened in the past have been positive changes I feel (like the one recently where I woke up feeling convinced I'm definitely trans. That felt pretty dang good.). But I just feel kinda awful right now. :::

late as usual

::: spoiler dysphoria, self-doubt, transition regret, and just general transition doom - sorry, i know that's a heavy list, but i'm really not feeling great right now comrades i'm past a year and a half on E - when is it supposed to start working? i hear girls talking about how it's magic, and then i hear girls talking about how it's not magic but it's still a huge deal - is it truly either of those things, or am i just doing something wrong? i've never male-failed once in my life and girls talk about that like it's a rite of passage. reading Whipping Girl and having Julia talk about her magic inflection point three or four months in when she started getting gendered correctly all at once after starting to transition in her thirties and i'm over here clawing the rare she/hers I get exclusively from situations where i'm sitting down, in full make up, not talking, with a face mask on, from a distance. I meet actual queer people who genuinely can't tell I'm on HRT. I had a moment about a year in where I had my labs done and my E was too high, and I was talking about it with someone, and they said "isn't it amazing when it all starts to make sense?" and i had to say "no, like, I'm taking too much of it, it's not naturally high at all". i have cis man friends with long hair who get she/her'd more than I do. there's this, and there's failing every single trans bingo card that exists, there's the fact that I was conflicted but happy before starting to transition and now i'm just depressed and obsessive about it all the time, and it's really starting to take a toll. like really, is this the move? i was doing great as a guy. i really, truly, do NOT want to go back to that, i kinda don't think i could stomach it frankly, but in transitioning i've given up so much I was getting out of masculinity and gotten scraps, if anything at all, out of femininity.

what i want to ask is "when does it get better" but i kinda feel like the answer is "maybe never"? my T was 19 last time I got labs, it's been under 50 for almost a year. it just feels really shitty to be through the period when the majority of the changes are supposed to happen (unless i'm wrong and there's some big year two/year three bump? ) and having next to nothing to show for it. :::

::: spoiler edit, literally 52 minutes later, same CWs but new enthusiasm I am clocky and I'm hot

maybe I'm just not used to the emotions E gives me, because holy shit these things turn on a dime, but like, i hope this can serve as inspiration that outlook changes a lot. I'm not feeling that much more pass-y but I'm a fucking hot piece, and while I may have shoulders for days and a thousand other things I've learned to instinctually zero in on in a mirror, I can also identify things in myself that I find hot in others and recognize that others see those things in me too?? it's so frustrating when some girls just... make it, even though I have so much joy in my heart seeing them do so, but it's truly not like passing all the time would be the one crowning achievement of transitioning either. there are so many things I've gotten out of this that I fail to focus on when I'm at my lowest. my exercise for the day is to list them here. :::

First face and armpit laser sesh in 45 minutes!

Tfw when your gf refuses to call you her lil' snickerdoodle.

Just found out my last staff party is at a pool. Ugh. Gonna be so awkward being one of the people there not in swimming stuff but it's either that or I skip it entirely.

what do I have to do for some self respect around here huh

Just joined dress gang today. Thrifting with my transmasculine friend is very productive for both of us!

I may not be chappell roan, but it's my mission to get the youths Hot To Go to the polls

Yes or no on a "Service dog in training" patch on my jacket

scene shows me running in slow motion as a car explodes behind me

Fem narrator voice with thick Brooklyn accent: "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a lesbian."

Out of the two paths of not transitioning I’m kind of glad I just boymoded and hide in my room instead of repressing.

In some ways it sucks because it’s more my fault for not, but I’m glad I was able to get on some level of hormones and be part of the trans community online the whole time.

My apartment is 17° this morning (63° for the yanks) 🥰 it's finally cool enough to wear sweatpants inside, now I don't have to walk around naked just to survive

::: spoiler discussions of severe mental illness specifically ocd, self-harm and psych wards mentioned Do people outside the OCD community even know that severe OCD exists and what it's like? I feel like this isn't common knowledge unless you're somewhat clued into the OCD world. I think even people who realize OCD is a disorder and don't use erroneously use the term to describe being organized don't know about how severe OCD can get. This thing is a spectrum from "life-disrupting but still functional" to "bedridden". Like, both my ex-girlfriend and my current best friend told me about periods of their life where they had OCD (or at least symptoms of OCD) but which passed for them. Meanwhile I'm out here with my life disrupted 24/7 by OCD and right now this is like, the best my OCD has been in several years.

When I was in my worst periods of OCD hell I genuinely felt like I was losing my grip on myself and reality. I spent days in bed just thinking and doing compulsions and spiraling. I considered checking myself into a psych ward because I was so scared of myself. The reason why I failed my first semester of college was because I couldn't read the assigned texts without my brain screaming at me because my class texts had become a focus point for my OCD. My brain could barely think any thoughts outside of OCD thoughts so I lost cognitive ability. I was self-harming as a compulsion. I was completely non-functional as a person.

I've heard a lot of other stories like this from other people with OCD and yet I feel like nobody knows this? Nobody knows that a common OCD experience is literally the feeling of becoming so convinced of the worst by your thoughts that reality starts to unravel around you? I wonder if I should make a post in the neurodiverse comm about OCD because I swear even well-meaning people do not know shit about this disorder. :::

I just want everyone here to know that I’m posting less frequently not because I’m touching grass but because I’ve been filled with creativity & painting a lot

Hung out with my cute coworker again over the weekend, and at the end of our date she suggested we hang out again this week

She's so fucking easy to talk to, I don't think there was a single awkward pause in our conversation this time

::: spoiler genital talk ugh i want testosterone gel to help mitigate genital atrophy, but i have no idea how to get it in the uk

menopausal cis women can get it so fucking easily, but of course it's borderline impossible for trans people. calling for drug legalisation includes testosterone. drug legalisation is a key part of trans liberation :::

Fresh news mega is majestic, they are struggling chat. Desperate news nerds

I wish I could do normal things like everyone else.

Appointment done, my anxiety is gone
and replaced by a new one that the post office employee made some mistake and it will end up not being acceptable

I'm about to spend 24 hours with my father, this may have been a mistake, but its a 'good' test

wish me luck

Shared a cute fall/winter outfit with my family chat yesterday. My mom and sister are being super supportive (my brothers too but they're not into fashion lol).

Kinda feeling like I have a big sister. She's the baby of the family but she has way more experience being a woman than me!

And she asked what size outfits I like because she wants to get me some clothes. Feels really nice :)

I must admit that I don’t read theory as much as I’d like to and I also know nothing about books/literature :( But I want to start reading about gender theory (from a marxist perspective). What was the book that was stickied to this com a while ago? And is that a good book to start or does anyone recommend something else?

Also feel free to recommend any fun fiction books that have lots of trans representation. I’m not a huge literature nerd but I do love a good story that’s a bit easy to read (I used to enjoy scifi and fantasy)

imagining the edges of my screen flashing and turning pink every time i do my E shots like you're doing drugs in disco elysium

ESTROGEN BONUS: +1 PSY, +1 MOT, +1 INT, -1 PHY

Have everything organized for my passport application appointment tomorrow.
Hopefully everything goes smoothly so I can stop living with this background anxiety.

It's oh so quiet

That was a pretty good lil bit of gender euphoria tbh. I don't get it that often or that intense, maybe partly because it's been so long transitioning, but I felt that dorky lil spark of happy while spinning.

I made my cake today because I could. Ton of work. Required a lot of temperature controlled parts and it was tough, but I did it! It was going great until my cat decided to jump on the counter and walk on it while it was cooling.

The good news is I draped a damp paper towel over it while it was cooling and it was still usable, but it was a very fluffy cake that got immediately deflated after he did it :| Still tasted really good.

For the record, it was a Japanese-style sponge cake with whipped white chocolate ganache and a raspberry filling. All homemade. It was delicious. I actually had 2 slices, which is wild because I generally have great self-control.

talked to the gender doc, got my prescription for progesterone + an appointment with a PCP who can medicate my ADHD and learned they're gonna cover surgery and all the prep costs.

i am cackling

I went and looked back at one of the weekly thread from January, which had 68 comments. We have come so far, chat.

Waking up every day gay and trans is a "blessing" I never take for granted, makes me happy every time. Rolling out of bed with a beautiful nonbinary goth wife who is also gay n trans, to go be autistic together and cause problems. ❤

I saw a youtube short where a fisherman caught an intersex lobster and I could feel shriveling up in his cool communist shrine of a house and not understanding why

Moving out of the country is stressful
They should just let me leave

Still kind of nervous about the process of processing a passport, but at least I have the photos and don't have to worry about that immediately.

so yesterday a boat sinks with 2 billionares on, lost at sea basically presumed dead at this point. and next week a billionare is gonna do a space walk in the van allen radiation belts. they really are just gonna wipe themselves out huh? can some of them stay around long enough for us to do the whole guillotine thing?

welp. not to completely spill the beans on my living situation but i think the only option i have left right now is to come out to my parents and move back in with them, in that order because I don't know if that will even work

Just finished the first week of a new semester. I have some disrespectful students in my class that find pleasure out of putting me and their classmates down. This is the first time I've had to deal with this level of "high school vibes" from people who are supposed to be adults. Sooooo wish me luck as I try and figure out how to handle that I guess

Made it to my destination safely. Plane ride wasn’t bad all said. Except the one plane they kept the temp at like 64F (18C) in the cabin and I froze my ass off.

Finally met my longtime best friend in person and, even though the convention is gonna suck, I’m so happy that we met. We talked a lot, cried a little, and had a good time in just a few hours. It’s gonna be great. 🥹

Simultaneously, it finally hit me that I had bottom surgery. Like fully. Hearing it from the perspective of someone not in my immediate family kinda just sunk it in hard. I’ve been crying ever since, even if lowkey.

Having to work is transphobia actually

Face/pit laser session went well. Nurse said she thinks I'll see good results.

Five weeks until session two!

Really proud of my hair today, I've been using some jojoba oil for the dry ends and smeared it on my head a few times now, and the hair looks and feels fabulous

I mean it's still an unruly motherfucker which refuses to stay straight no matter what I do, but i like it

Only have one more flight after this one under my deadname, woooo

in this house we believe that

black this house that

women's rights = this house

no human is this believe that

science is this science is

diversity makes us makes us makes us makes us makes us makes us

love is this house that we believe that

house house house house house house house

I bought a skirt. I am currently wearing a skirt for the first time in my entire life.

It's sort of the same colour and material as one of those goofy army jackets you get. It's floofy and full of ruffles and stuff, ankle length. When I first saw it I thought, that's a skirt worn by a fashion criminal. But I brought it home and I'm wearing it, I have it paired with a white/blue plaid flannel and a form fitting tank top. Currently vibing.

Boymoding for the first time in a long while :( just dont have the capacity to deal with anything rn, including/especially the stares :(

awww that hot trans girl i had a crush on already has a gf oh okay

New pfp same me, look out nerds

Watching the credits roll on Fallow and BETA TESTERS: Remy Boydell.

ALL TRANS WOMEN WHO MAKE THINGS ONLINE KNOW EACHOTHER ITS ALL CONNECTED

This must be where 920LONDON the song being based on 920LONDON the graphic novel came from, I guess. Uh what the fuck. Also that ending raised even more questions than it answered.

If you know anything about any of this shit I am begging you to talk to me about it. This feels like I opened up a big rabbit hole, I am not gonna shut up about this for days at least

The internet says autistics either barely talk or won’t shut up and don’t change much per context. What if I’m always one or the other given the context?

welp. Parents know now. We'll be talking more about it on monday over dinner. They've so far used my chosen name once which is nice, but this also means I have to go talk to my parents again, and explain why my face has looked like it's gained weight while the rest of me looks like it's lost weight

The post office should hire only trans employees so they can say they have a country-wide network of trans porters

imagine the money the british taxpayer would save if tv licensing didn't send you 14 letters every day

::: spoiler misogyny Yes I'm here to complain about cooking again. Today I have to cook both lunch and dinner, and dinner is going to be dumplings because my brother wants dumplings which are a huge pain to make, they more than one hour. I just did lunch, that took almost an hour. Usually we don't cook lunch because we have leftovers but sadly that was not the case today, and I don't think my mom was very keen on my suggestion of eating rice and canned beans, so yeah that's the kind of response I get when I want to make something easier than a full-course Chinese meal. And also of course neither my brother nor my dad are going to help out very much, both of them are going out this afternoon (and my brother leaves for college literally tomorrow) and my mom asked if they would be back in time to help with the dumpling-making and both of them were like "lol probably not" (though maybe my mom got my brother to change his mind, so hopefully we see him come help? My dad though? gone.) :::

Update: skirt go spinny is a real meme tbh.

Thank you random guest for heaping praise on me in front of the girl I like and inviting me to your restaurant for free food!

Just saw a truck with 'it's transpossible!' written on it.

Saw a picture of myself from a year ago compared to one from today, and I looked significantly worse than I do now. Like, I knew I was looking better after I went vegan soon after, but that only affected certain things. The magic that is being on E for almost 3 months, shaving, and having longer hair has done absolute wonders for how I see myself

I also just look happier to be honest, even though I was struggling to portray those emotions in the photos both times, I can just see something about this new one idk.

Why are there thirty million dead fish

::: spoiler Texas being Texas (ie: fascist) https://dallasvoice.com/breaking-news-dps-enacts-policy-refusing-court-ordered-gender-marker-changes-will-create-database-of-marker-change-requests/

According to a Texas Department of Public Safety internal email, a copy of which was sent to Dallas Voice through a local attorney, DPS has — unilaterally and without any public notice — decided to stop amending gender markers on Texas driver licenses and state ID cards.

The email also indicates that the DPS will create a database of all individuals who request to have the gender marker on their license or ID changed. :::

I don't know how much time I'll have tommorow, but that's when I start my new job. Wish me luck! 😁

concept: psych ward grippy socks, but thigh highs

::: spoiler autism (a bit sad) I was thinking about stimming earlier, so I looked up some information on it. I didn't really understand the line between NT and ND stimming, but overall thought mine wasn't that bad or often. A few things I did were on the ND list and the ones on the NT list seemed really mild, but yea. Not bad. I just have this one particular thing I do a lot, that I need to quit. Hmmm, lets try not doing that for tonight and note what happens.

I started crying and doing all my other ones. I don't understand why I am able to not do it for a few hours/all day if I'm out but when I'm alone I need it. The idea of giving it up is deeply upsetting, but I have to for a few reasons. I have not discovered anything as good as this. I feel very emotionally immature. Like a child. ::: spoiler really sad now I feel like I'll never be as good as normal people because I have autism. Like I'm stunted. A child. :::

it's gonna be cooling down again soon. gonna try to get out hiking again

I wanted to make brownies from mix but this motherfucker needs an egg! What's a vegan alternative for egg in a baking mix? I should've read it before I went home, at least it only needs oil and water instead of milk

The way I can tell that supply & demand is fake, and that all other econ101 concepts are fake, is this: if that shit was real, someone would be making fuckin bank off of a shoe store whose smallest size is like 10 women's and goes up through like, 16 wide, 18, just decent large-size women's shoes. Economics is fake, though, and such a store does not exist afaik.

A friend asked me if, now that I'm single, I'll be using tinder or apps or whatever

Hell no, they sucked as a dude. Can't imagine they're any better as a woman.

Also, I ain't dating anyone from my podunk rural ass shit town that doesn't even have the deceny to be a small town, fucking midsized

The sneezing has stopped

Bit idea: just not doing whatever I need to. Call doctors? Nuh uh. Renew my health card? Nuh uh! Poke about surgery stuff? Believe it or not, also nuh uh.

today i will not get gender envy from a video game character

fuck

::: spoiler spoiler she's from Northgard and she can break me over her knee any day :::

God I wish I was wearing a skirt right now.

I need to start moving towards it so bad.

is this trans culture

Pro of estrogen: my thighs and ass are getting bigger

Con: I have to get bigger jeans

i feel like i have better balance now thanks to me becoming more bottom heavy

i've been so clumsy my entire life after puberty, I once almost broke my ankle while literally standing still.

Somehow managed to hurt my back in my sleep

::: spoiler cw brainworm Question: if one does the transition later in life, does it still work? Does it make sense to transition at ~30? I mean, for me the dysphoria/euphoria isnt that bad, i dont feel a lot of anything but its still kind of weird. Also i expect my country to ban transition stuff in a few years :::

Dysphoria, sadposting vent ::: spoiler spoiler Got sir'd by a cashier

Got a headache from bright ass LED headlights in oncoming traffic

One of the hinges on the trunk of my shitty ass car broke and now it doesn't hold open (at least it still latches shut right but fuck)

The check engine light randomly comes on and I think the sensor is busted and the right brake light wiring keeps shorting out

World is a fuck, today sucked ass and I'm exhausted by everything and so goddamn tired of this shit

:::

hi! i did a whole virtual tour of hexcraft and most of the stuff was built specifically by trans users! please check it out https://hexbear.net/post/3264620

changing your name to Karen as a bit

::: spoiler horny gay posting Am I really attracted to guys if the only guys I've ever been sexually attracted to are ones who are feminine to the point where some of them might just be closeted trans women? :::

my wife got a mini fridge from one of her companies offices that was being cleared out. and omfg it's such a game changer having a mini fridge right next to you at your PC. I just lean down and pull out an ice cold sodie pop any time I want

Questioning bc i like being misgendered. It just makes me happy i cant avoid smiling. Im usually perceived as feminine, but this one woman used masculine pronouns for meee. My family could never do that ._.

This new batch of patches is probably my best yet, the least amount of bleeding on stencils that I've ever had (outside a 45 Grave patch whose stencil I probably should just remake at this point.) I wish I could show them off here but alas... anyways I'm super happy about them and excited to put them on my clothes. Also I probably need to buy more white ink soon.

My gf says I don’t look like a guy, I hope she is right.

So I've been dating someone who identifies as a cis man and whose gender presentation I can only describe as "pretty gay twink" but who has been on estrogen for 4 years. I was a little confused about it when we first met, but it's actually very cool. I like going out with a guy who I can also talk about trans stuff / hrt with.

I'm not totally sure how things are going with us tho. We spend time together and it's really good. We go on fun dates, cuddle a lot, and have some nice conversations. But I feel like after that it gets all weird. Like we'll barely talk during the week, or he'll leave me on read for house. And it's been a bit hard to make plans recently. We've been doing this for almost two months now. So idk like are we still in the early dating phase, or are we fwbs, or is he just not all that into me? The ambiguity is making me uncomfortable.

Get notified, bitch!

down with cis

Getting back to weight training for the first time in 5 years. Just had an absolute DEMON leg workout and it felt amazing (pure suffering), my ass is NOT walking right tomorow. When i first started transitioning I was so terrified of even touching a weight becasue i wanted to pass so bad, despite being an advanced lifter who genuinley loved (and still do love) the proccess of resistance training; but a couple years living as a stealther, 3 ish years of HRT working its magic, and having bottom surgery has gotten my mental to a point where im confidant enough to go back to lifiting heavy and fighting my demons in the gym and it feels great. I was SHOCKED at how much weaker I was too, obviously, I knew that i would be weaker after years on HRT and out of the gym, but WOW I used to be able to pull 405 deadlifts at the same body weight I am now, but earlier today I was doing working sets with 135. I guess I dont have it in me (yet) to be the trans super althete all the right wingers told me i would become I'll have to work on it, lol.

::: spoiler stalker behavior, dysphoria Okay so I've been on and off about posting this here because the it's hard to explain while being vague but I have to be vague to avoid doxxing. But I really have to vent so

I never used [music site] before and didn't even know I had an artist page there until literally today when I was jumpscared by my own face. I hate [music site] and their weird ass way they do shit and I fucking loathe whoever uploaded my pre-transition photo without my permission (and I'm 99% sure I know who did it). Also I've never associated my face with my music so it's really creepy to have someone go out of their way to do that. And like I'm searching through the community help and faqs on [music site] and trying to figure out how to change it through whatever the fuck [harry potter ass looking word] is and it looks like the only way to solve this is to bend the knee at the court of moderators and like go into deeply personal dysphoria shit so I can make sure I motivate someone enough to actually get off their ass and remove the photo because judging from comments I've been reading they don't seem to do shit about artist photos most of the time.

I've been getting upset about this on and off all day. I been trying to get my mind off this but I keep ending up back in this headspace. This is not okay. :::

is it femme coded to step on a bear trap and then yell YEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWCH

I'm having a hard time separating what feelings I experience are gender euphoria/dysphoria and which ones are just me paying attention to my body and emotions more. Like, lately eating meat heavy meals makes me feel like shit both physically and mentally, but I'm not sure that has to do with transness.

I somehow survived

Mom said my haircut is cute. She better not be hugboxing me.

I got suspended from ow2 for being toxic

I don't say any slurs so it was probably saying fuck too many times in a pointed manner. (I probably deserved it, i ain't gonna lie)

Though part of me thinks I was already being mass reported because i've been playing a lot of sombra this season and also i rock the trans name card.

Guess i'll see if support deigns to tell me what no-no words I said this time (last time they threatened to ban me if I kept asking) (I never found out what I said)

::: spoiler cw:sex

Turns out I didn't need more training for that toy yesterday, just more lube.

Also holy shit that things def bigger than my ex, probably small to what some of the vets can take, but lord that felt deep >.<

Was fun but it ended before I was starting to really enjoy it, though I'm outta practice :p

:::

the word cisfeminine entered my brain and i can feel it doing damage

::: spoiler nsfw implications :::

i need it

One of the truly great crimes of Fucking Matrix is that deleting messages is impossible. "Oops, something went wrong..." Fuck you fix it idiot.

actually ordered the progesterone this time. looking forward to it turning up

Last few days have been all like
(╥﹏╥)👍
but now its more like
/(; _ ;/)
Sad
Maybe ill get to
._.
Soon enough

::: spoiler nsfw i can't think of any word i find more viscerally repulsive and unsexy than when people say "gock"

it sounds like someone retching :::

I joined the matrix chat and now I have 6,948,203 dms. What the fugg.

I swear my ass is squishier today

The nerfarious, distrustworthy wife, putting my head on warm soft boobs to try to keep me comfy and sleeping!

HARDCORE TO THE MEGA!

::: spoiler I don't fucking know what this is, but my brain thought it up and I have to get it out somewhere noir detective monolouging to himself, between puffs of cigar smoke uttering "they really were right puff it truly is better to piss in the sink puff .... than sink in the piss contemplative long drag" :::

::: spoiler had a bad day [cw: self harm] What a shit day. I try to get help for my mental issues, but all I'm offered is the opportunity to talk at, not with, a psychologist. I told them what I actually needed, and they said there wasn't really anything they could do. I'm already on a waiting list, and have my first actual appointment sometime in september, but I don't feel like I can wait that long. So that was really dissapointing, felt like a complete waste of time. Wonder how much more I'll have cut myself by the time I get any actual help...

And I tried to go for a walk outside just now, but my fucking shoes are broken after only 6 weeks of use, yet again! Probably because of the lumps I have on my heels. I love having to buy a new pair of shoes every 1-2 months, especially since I have zero income rn. But it's fine, I have an appointment to get my heels checked out... in january next year :::

Do you ever see someone with a not very flattering haircut and they are just completely ignorant about it and then you get nervous your haircut is the same way and you have no idea?

Noooooo!!!!! My favorite hate-reading/self-harm substack went private between yesterday and today! I'm certainly not going to give them an email address, so apparently I'm doomed to have one less transphobic website I read religiously. This is probably a good thing, all in all, but some of their stuff was really funny sometimes. A lot more of it was absolutely awful, sure, but where else will I read about how minecraft makes kids trans?!?

My hair has been growing out Long enough to run my fingers through it a little bit. Need more! Very gender!

Being trans means that you want to befriend your male friends' sisters

The youtube video thumbnail says "you're trans!" Thanks babe, I know

why is transitioning so addictive. like I've put more effort into a few hours of voice training this week than whatever bs project they're making me do at work for the past several months, i don't even remember

I love how we're all talking about our cute clothes rn

::: spoiler just woke up- thoughts had the wildest dream about New York police budget. They had flying carriers, chat!

my neck hurts, this sucks

i think my pink bootleg is looking at me funny

why do i toss and turn so much, chat? my second pillow somehow ended up on the floor again.

thank fuck summer is almost over, it isnt 32c in this room anymore :::

Honestly tf2 making winning or even trying to win in a match being ultimately pointless made the game more fun and saved the game from the hypercompetitive ranked bullshit culture that plagued most multiplayer fps.

Really sore today. It's better than being in excruciating chronic pain, this is just the consequence of walking around stores for like three hours which was totally worth it, but ouuuuch. I do not wanna move this sucks.

::: spoiler weirder Fallow posting Wifey was bereft of glasses and could not read 640x480 Trigger-font text so I ended up reading off a lot of Fallow to her, including dialogue. Aside from giving me an instant respect for lets-players who need to read dialogue off, it kinda put me in a big mood. Fallow is gay and wistful so I was too. Also I was told I put on a decent-sounding voice, an "american" accent (flatter, weirder 'a' sounds) while reading the dialogue. Idk what to make of this but it sure felt like a moment.

I have been told it was cute, actually twice in two days I have been told my voice is cute. I AM ACCEPTING THESE COMPLIMENTS INSTEAD OF REJECTING THEM, VOICE CUTE :::

i have no idea how i used to post like 80-100 comments a day in the megathread. i've lost my touch

Nooo, my entire inbox got marked as read

I hate the internet

I think the government should give every trans person a technical

This is appreciation post for all of you computer transes. I love talking to you all, and it's really hitting me right now how amazing it is that there's a space like this (and tracha) where I can just talk to other people who also transed their gender.

::: spoiler cw: dysphoria (I’m feeling better now though) So yesterday I painted my nails with coloured polish (instead of just clear polish) for the first time, and I don’t think my hands had ever seemed as big as they did then :( I just kept thinking that they looked like a man’s hands and that I looked like a crossdresser who was trying out nail polish (it didn’t help that I haven’t had laser on my hands in a while so I could see stubble on my knuckles and stuff)

But today, after I’ve calmed down (and the splotches of polish I got around my nails rubbed) I just keep thinking about how pretty they look. My hands don’t even seem that big anymore and it makes me happy every time I see them :::

i love the minecraft server. it's so nice logging back in and seeing all the progress our little gays have made

the world does not want me to do diys i guess (my parents' printer ran out of ink, i use it to print out stuff for stenciling patches)

i mean not really but urghjsdlkfjslkdfjslk my autism hates running across random roadblocks to my plans it's the woooooorst

probably gonna have to look for part-time work (in addition to my full-time job) to keep my income high enough to be the sponsor on my partner's visa

turns out this shithole island doesn't like immigrants very much, weird

thatcher's worst crime is personally murdering the advanced passenger train

Did my injection yesterday morning and I ended up working a rush with only one other person for like 5 hours and now I'm ready to swear off food service forever.

There are 665 comments. I am here to change that.

I fucking hate this one chick in the support group, I also want to have sex with her. Why.

"why aren't the bakers wearing gloves? isn't that unhygienic?"

do one, customers. we don't wear gloves because we'd go through a box each per day and it's much quicker to wash your hands than change gloves

gf: “your eyes are so pretty”
my eyes:

Gonna bring my WiiU to the UK and force my gf to play all the Zeldas

Already ahead of news mega 🫡

hey that girl in the mirror is looking uhh... just a lil bit curvier, isn't she?

Could someone tell me where the good gateway is? I've only found the bad one

I saw a play called Fucking Trans Women. She was inspired by the zine. Very tender and heartfelt. Also educational. I was a lil disappointed she didn't talk about post orchie sex life cause half the trans women I know have had orchies (also solves the concern about impregnating someone she brought up in the show).

Barista is trans and friendly. I want to be friends, but I don't know how to ask to hang out because she's probably just nice because she's paid to be, and I don't want to be weird or seem like I'm wanting to hook up or something.

::: spoiler utterly irrelevant mood journaling Why do I feel so fuckin flattened and bad today? I think I burned my social battery out again, but I couldn't tell because usually when my social battery is empty I freak the fuck out and my brain releases a ton of [adrenaline? cortisol? fight-or-flight shit] and I undergo catastrophic collapse about it. Today I just feel kind of junky emotionally though which is a huge upgrade.

So yeah I'm not really online today, I am gonna play even more Fallow instead. :::

In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I have a nice rack.

the feeling when you want to eat figs but the figs are on trees and you are sick and can't climb trees

Me when I get gendered in a way I like:

visibly happier and nicer

Me when I get a compliment:

“Well, actually, here’s this caveat about that exact thing I have noticed.”

uhm... were my hips always this wide? i don't think they used to be like this???

I showed you my ___, please respond

got laser session 9 coming up. was hoping i'd be further ahead at this point but i can't complain, being able to go even one day without shaving feels so much better

Why don't they make THC-infused estrogen?

transitioning from man to woman so i can look like a woman who's kinda like a man

I'm finally caught up on the sisters of dorley hall. Now I'm low key a little depressed that I have to wait around for the next chapter. Maybe I'll read that one book named after a Southwestern us state that @ashinadash@hexbear.net is always going on and on about.

I could try reading unjust depths. Or I could even stop being such a and read some more theory. Hmmmmm decisions decisions

people will be like "the beatles suck actually" and then you find out they listen to weezer

up with trans

eurghh fuck my right nostril is bleeding

brb I gotta go pee real quick, nobody post anything too funny while I'm gone so I don't miss it

I work too fucking much

Estrogen chemists, what kind, if any, of autoclave are you using?

Would something like this do the job? https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0BVD2681X

ugh fucking visa bullshit

Yo is that a trans crazy frog???

Gend her? I hardly know her!

got these Italian wheat toasts with garlic powder and oregano baked on them, with a little bit of vegan butter, for breakfast. it's good

it's a shame that "down with this sort of thing" is associated with father ted and thus graham linehan, because i keep wanting to make a "down with cis sort of thing" joke

So shaving the right armpit is quite a hassle lol

I like that baseball players have nice butts

Keep it up MLB

Was supposed to attend a course today to help me find a job, but I couldn't bring myself to go there

Had a lovely date night with my bf last night. Went to a card shop with a restaurant in it for dinner and some Magic pickup games. I was real tired and had a shitty day at work, and I worried that it would be too crowded for my anxiety, or we wouldn't be able to find other players, or people might not be nice... all the same stuff that usually keeps me from going out to bars and clubs.

It was actually super cool though. The place was way too crowded, but we got dinner and found one of the few tables with space for us to sit, and it was only a few minutes before some people asked if they could play with us.

I loved playing magic as a little kid, but the shops became a lot less welcoming when I was a queer teenager so I stopped going. Now the scene is hella gay and trans, and the "adult mtg players" are mostly just regular millennials who like to talk about their wives and kids and shit. I think I might be back in the hobby.

::: spoiler fashionposting #4 (some of my favorite closet pieces) I thought I'd ramble about some clothes I own that I love because well, they deserve the appreciation.

1. My dark red faux suede shirt. I'm wearing this shirt right now and honestly it's the inspiration behind this post. My old college's sustainability club took donations of clothes and then set them out for people to take for free, and that's where I got this shirt (fantastic place to thrift, honestly.) It's button down, made of polyester, with an acetate lining. It's slightly oversized on me in a way that fits and drapes perfectly, and it's sooo comfortable. It does need a steaming, it's quite wrinkly at the moment; and sadly it is dry clean only (I think I've machine washed it before though, which... don't do that, I used to not be very good at taking care of my clothes. Trying to get better at that.) I remember I used to wear this shirt every day when I was OCD spiraling in college lol, at least I looked good in the midst of my mental breakdown.

2. My first patch jacket. I made it from this really cool gray denim jacket that my mom gave me, and I remember working on it for hours in my high school senior year. Nowadays I mostly stencil patches, but back then I painted all my patches with acrylic paint. A lot of the patches on this jacket are colorful, and honestly while I love the black-and-white patches look and it's my comfort zone, I kind of want to start making colorful painted patches again. I've got a patch that's a picture of a duck with a flower crown (that was my ex-girlfriend's idea), a patch of a jellyfish, two patches of some of my favorite animated music videos, and a patch of a cicada that says "born to bug you", among others. It's actually not finished, the front still needs some work. I got it back from my cousin's place recently and I'm so excited to wear it again when the weather gets colder.

3. My sleeveless dark gray and red plaid flannel. I got a lot of four second-hand flannels for $5 last year and while I love all of them, I wore the hell out of this one this summer. It originally came with sleeves, I just cut the sleeves off (and said sleeves have been reused as fabric for patches, most recently on a laptop bag custom that I'm working on.) It looks so good with a spiked choker, black combat boots, and almost all my bottoms. The flannel is so soft too. Bonus: my other favorite flannel from that lot is the mustard yellow one; I wore that one a lot in the fall and winter lol.

4. My strappy blue plaid pants (kind of like Tripp pants). I made these from scratch last year out of curtains I got for free and a pant pattern I found for free online. That being said the project was still not free; I had to pay for the hardware that went on it — D rings, zippers, hooks. Luckily all of that was fairly cheap to get. I haven't really gotten to wear these out much — I wore them a few times last year but I want to wear them a lot more this coming fall. Oh also — the pants have a flared part that can be open or closed up with a zipper. I loved that technique when I saw other people do it so I have it on mine.

5. My white button down shirt with the ridiculously frilled collar. I got this shirt at a consignment store in California, and it instantly makes every outfit fun. It's actually slightly off-white and a bit sheer, and the frills on the collar are held up by plastic wire. There also used to be some plastic wire in the ruffled sleeves, but I took that out because it was a bit pokey. So far it's one of my two fancy white blouses, but I wear it more than the other one because I kind of accidentally messed up the other one by washing it when it was dry-clean only (again, was not the best at taking care of my clothing. It's still wearable and I still wear it, but I'm also a bit self-conscious of the place that got a bit messed up.) I just love fancy blouses, I aim to own more in the future. I long for a frilly black blouse and a frilly dark red one. Lolita/ouji blouses are a huge inspiration to me.

There are more pieces that I could talk about but these are five off the top of my head and this post is already long. God I love clothes and I'm so happy that my closet brings me joy now. :::

Being trans is pretty cool Started Fallow tonight. I'm a bit confused where to go right now but I like the game so far. Very gender. ::: spoiler spoiler Shedding my given name and living with my sisters is very appealing. :::

Unrelated autism thought, but this repetitive thing I do all the time to feel better, it might actually be a stim folks

::: spoiler Watching Hasan walking around the DNC floor and all these women be throwing their numbers at him i get it though, like damn :::

Dysphoria hoodie so cool it becomes a euphoria hoodie.

When watching YouTube impairs my ability to play (difficult) spider solitaire

::: spoiler talking bout my ex again I'm back in the city I left my ex in, just visiting other friends. It's been weirdly hard, it's been over a year but every once in a while I go back to a place or drive by somewhere we used to go or I used to hang out. I had a dream last night that we met up and hit it off for a few hours - the passing train interrupted me lol - it was nice in the dream but awake I dunno if I'd really want that. I guess it was nice to remember that feeling of very deep connection, like you've become one person and share a mind, that you had someone you could always count on and who always had your back (wasn't true for me but it felt like it). I'm not even sure if they're still here or nor but I feel haunted.

When I think back on what it was really like, it wasn't nice or wholesome which is why I broke it off after months of hemming and hawing and them being unwilling to change anything even when they knew our relationship was at stake. I read someone's own journey a few months ago with a very similar story to mine and it was like being slapped in the face again - the dirty cat litter, the clothes everywhere, the mess, them not working, not looking, not trying to get onto disability, not doing anything for years. I remember the fights over "you need to get some income, I can't support us, I have loans and a scholarship" and how POOR we were because of it. Or when I was in charge of doctor appointments and psych appointments the fights to going to them... it wasn't like having a partner, it was like having a really obstinate kid. Or when we moved cause the house got shot, I was the person looking and the only house they agreed to was the most expensive fucking one!!! It was really hard.

But there's so much tenderness wrapped in that, the further I get from the pain and how hard it was the more those shine through. I remember how badly I treated them when they tried to show affection, ignoring being talked to or being held, I was going through so much shit that I was just not emotionally present and hadn't been for years. So I also get this fun house mirror style view where I was the asshole all the time in my memories on background as I forget what made it so hard and why I broke it off. :::

wish i had an extra pair of hands that wasn't constantly covered in cat hair

Farming replies in the mega? Just skirtpost

Also damn my legs look good in stockings...

I'm such a sleepy head rn. Hopefully I can fall asleep quickly.

Didn’t sleep very good last night, so I kind of crashed when I got home and slept for a couple hours and now I’m awake again and it’s 9PM and everything feels weird.

Unlimited vengeance againt the pharmacy for not letting me refill the smaller needles. I had to fall back on an incorrect prescription that made the whole injecting experience more difficult 😖

Is it joever, chat? My wife and I disagree almost completely on which Bjork albums are good.

I feel like I had a handle on my body hair and now I’m losing it again.

Going to passport appointment, wish me luck.

oh, my hair is finally long enough again to brush against the back of my neck. this feels nice

i played dnd with a few hexbear people three years ago and it's cool that i think all of them are still on here

hi

::: spoiler reprocessing gender dysphoria I've been reprocessing/reparenting myself (like with EMDR).

Started with a mushroom vision the night my egg cracked of myself as a very joyful five year old girl wearing gender affirming clothes.

Reprocessing my teenage self currently. She's helping us with voice lessons, the self dead naming/misgendering, and to move forward into our twenties and beyond.

It's kinda fun. Though difficult at times. Our teenage years had a lot of trauma.

Anyway, it's the bio/psych/social model of health care. Biologically I'm on E. Socially I'm transitioning. Psychicly I'm reprocessing. With gender euphoria and gender affirmation as my north star. :::

We deserve demand more fuckable men

After about a week texting a foxgirl and my prior experiences with my ex, I have now reached the conclusion that lesbians are intimidated when talking to me. I, however, cannot tell if this is just the usual lesbian disaster stuff or if it's something about me specifically that flares it up worse than usual.

Went for a run in the park today and saw a masc presenting person with perfect complexion and scruffy hair reading Nevada.

Where I injected the E yesterday feels kinda bumpy

does anyone wanna talk about numetal...

About to hit the nastiest clopen of all time. Got home at 11:30 pm, leaving the house now at 5:30 am the next day. Also my 9th day in a row working 😁

I'm so tired boss...

it seems to be kind of a trope in yuri manga for there to be a couple of teachers who are also lesbians

They should make a movie about young hot Stalin robbing trains to fund the Bolsheviks

i'm sick. i hate this.

We don't have enough comments.

Also I heard there was a Minecraft server, where would one find the IP/URL?

::: spoiler ugh, airports “Thank you, sir.” Hasn’t happened in a while and just ugh. ::: Precheck is infinitely worth it for less hassle if you are flying in the US, though

In a communist world I would like to be a full-time artist (please let communism come so I can make propaganda posters for a living... ) but since we live in hell I think my most realistic career option is to become the cool art teacher. I have experience teaching art, I'm fairly good at it and I don't mind it. Also I dress weird and I'm trans and a communist and I think being a teacher is hopefully one of the professions that won't make me tone down these things too much (depending on the school.)

I keep finding strands of my hair in increasingly dumb places. Like it's one thing to find it on your sleeves or socks, but why is it in my pantleg, or clinging to my buttcheek?

::: spoiler sex

Finally got a new thrusting massager after years of having neither a partner or even a toy.

Nice to finally get something up there again, but LORD do I need to train. I can just barely get passed the head >~<

:::

“I don’t have the social difficulty of an autistic person.”

(everything applies)

For a long time I totally forgot small talk was a thing, and when I found out I was like “wow this is a social game changer. I can talk to people without having anything to say.”

The one thing is if I always can’t stop coming up with things to say, even if I don’t want to talk. Probably an ADHD thing.

::: spoiler Dysphoria I'm on vacation rn and I'm feeling pretty dysphoric. Wish I had packed those feminine pants, really want to wear them right now. I do like the bra I'm wearing but it's not enough. Gonna put on some eyeliner in the bathroom tonight to see if I feel better. Don't know if I'll keep it on and show my friends. :::

Finished customizing a purple laptop bag with some patches and lace. It's pretty gothy — I put two hand-stenciled patches on there, one of a coffin (because why not) and one of Strange Boutique, which is one of my favorite goth bands (they're a late-80s early-90s band that's imo super underrated, the lead singer also went on to form Faith and the Muse which is another one of my favorite goth bands.) The other patches were cut from a velvet dress that was too small for me, some plaid sleeves that I cut off one of my favorite flannels, and this sheer black scarf-y scrap of fabric that I pilfered from my old college's scrap fabric bin. There's also a velvet bat on there because why not. Anyways I'm excited to bring this bag to school, it's going to be fun. But oh my god, sewing through this bag was Not Fun.

::: spoiler cw:dysphoria, imposter syndrome

Whenever I imagine myself in situations, it feels better to imagine myself as a girl. I prefer feminine clothing. I don't like having my facial hair, at least now that I know this about myself. I get dysphoria about other shit too.

So why is it when I look at the picture I took before I shaved and everything, before this hit me, I think to myself "fuck he's actually kinda cute, being him wouldn't be the worst thing in the world." It wasn't.

I mean I feel dysphoric from some of it. There was a lot of mental anguish from trying to fit the molds society pushes on dudes, but I figured that was normal. Shit maybe actually I didn't like being him, I mean I havent been having regular breakdowns at work anymore where I just sit and silently exist (thank god for the parts closet lmao), but it still feels like it wouldn't be so bad.

Why must my brain make me question my transness? I thought bisexual imposter syndrome was bad, holy shit.

Also if I ended up being cis that means I couldn't hang here, and that would be large sad.

Edit: The beard looks cute, but so do the thigh highs, and more importantly, they feel right.

:::

WOW, the moon looks fucking beautiful right now. they were not kidding about that orange super moon shit, it looks amazing. there's also a slight cloud cover, so the moon is just making this entire section of sky deep orange, it looks cool af.

::: spoiler cw: misgendering Welp, getting misgendered 100% of the time at my new job. I don't quite have the social will to correct my co-workers, and even after using and introducing with my name I get deadnamed. That's what I get for making it so similar I guess 😔. Now I know to go by a nickname in school. :::

Other than that, this job sounds amazing though, and my co-workers are decent and chill people.

::: spoiler I'm not really sure where to post this, but lmao :::

::: spoiler lmao, I found another one :::

I no longer wish to be exposed to gamer culture war

Its so cool how stress gives me acne, wow body you really did good.

Been fighting off a kidney infection, which makes me feel like shit, and since its a resistant bacterium I feel extra terribly due to the medication, I hope I recover so since I can't imagine taking this medicine long term and being functional. At least I got back on medical just on time looks like. I'm starting to wonder if this UTI that's been on and off since I moved here was that all along with opportunistic bacteria taking center stage, until it got to this point. No matter, sure won't help my sketch kidneys for sure.

cw dysphoria and wet dreams ::: spoiler spoiler Subconscious decided to blurse me with a dysphoric wet dream, its like why you gotta say it like that stupid sexy dream character, why. It would have been 10/10 if he didn't say some comment while understandably open to interpretation I'm totally going to interpret it dysphorically. :::

Who is "Bad Gateway" and what do they want from me?

Hmm I shall contribute to the skirtposting with a skirtpost of my own. Uh I recently got a skirt back from my cousin that I loved when I was in my former college and I'm so excited to wear it again. It was a hand-me-down from my mom (who has great taste even though our styles are very different), it's dark red lace over a blue-gray inner lining, it's about calf length, and it was weirdly heavy. I know a lace skirt doesn't sound heavy, but trust me, it was. But that heaviness served a purpose — twirling. This skirt twirled better than any other skirt I've ever owned. It's the skirt go spinny meme on steroids. I would just spin in that skirt for fun just to feel and watch it woosh around me. Dark red is also one of my favorite colors for clothing. So yeah, very happy to have this skirt back.

It's funny, I feel like I've shared a lot about myself on the mega but there's still a lot of stuff that's never come up (and I'm not talking about information that would dox me.)

No I didn't just spend hours doing hair and makeup to take selfies to reaffirm my femininity nuh uh nope

Maybe it's because of the contrast to the pre-hrt photo but I actually think I look good for once? Even pretty??

have to wake up real early tomorrow to make it to the third laser appointment have a good night, chat