okay gang, we're gonna start fielding applications to post the mega for next week! we're gonna start making a list so we can book this a few weeks out so even if you don't get it this week your time to be The Megathreader will eventually come. go ahead and post below if you're interested

Not a fan of the "ironic" misogyny I'm still seeing on this website. We need a TC_69 purge for those losers.

I'm gay as fuck but there's this one male coworker I have who's really tall and masculine and they make me feel so small and feminine in comparison so he gives me a fluttery feeling.

Unfortunately I found out he's going through the steps to become a cop.

Just had an interaction at work where a guy initially thought I was a dude and then corrected himself by asking for my pronouns. I am at that wierd middle part of of transition where being correctly gendered is like a coin flip (weighted against my favor unfortunately)

He then apologized if I felt like I wasn't seen and that gendering people correctly is important to him.

Need more allies like him. Fuck, I'm crying a little now.

::: spoiler Life as a stealther Just had a whole ass (relatively civil) argument with my coworker about trans politics (and trans kids specifically). Had to do a lot of educating and explaining, but I love and am experienced in live debate, so I was having fun and doing well, maybe changed his mind on a few things if I was lucky. At the end of our shift, I drop a final point and refer to trans people as "us" (including myself) and my coworker gets the reddest, most br*tish, face you've ever seen, hahaha. One of the most fun things about being stealth is that you can just carpet bomb the preconseved notions people have about you and about trans people at any time, and I always love to take that opportunity (when I feel safe to do so); I'm lucky enough to have that choice, so I feel an obligation to be visiblely trans when I can and represent us, you know? :::

I wish I had more to talk about these days. I guess when you hit 2 years into transition, the exciting stuff is ongoing or has already occurred. Not much to get super excited about except the slow, gradual transition that's not so fast like breasts or what have you. Skin's smooth. Breasts, heaving. Body hair, thinned. Voice, trained. Vagina, gotten. Fat, redistributed/ing. Idk, I feel out of place here nowadays. Kinda sucks. Guess I could talk about top surgery and how it's going to even out my breasts? Seems like a boring thing to drone on about.

EDIT: I just realized this post can be considered humble bragging. I swear to the gods I just wanted to make a post about how I can't really relate to a lot of you anymore :\

all transmega posters go to sleep together in the same comically wide bed like this btw

Big news!! I won a scholarship today!!!! And I got my loan NoA and it's 2k higher than I expected!!!! I am now able to pay for my entire coming year of tuition and rent, and my jobs (which are already locked in barring one that is basically locked in) will be enough to cover food and then some!!!!!!!! I might even maybe be able to afford that big $500 order of indie chinese lolitas I've been wishlisting sometime before Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

oh! before i forget, we're gonna be watching movies this saturday on our very own special trans cytube channel! this week's features are gonna be Fire Island and Hadestown. probably gonna get started around 8 PM EST

::: spoiler rambling about trans/intersex solidarity, mentions of transphobia something that frustrates me as being absent from the discourse around trans people, and kids in particular, is that their accusations, completely untrue in the case of trans kids, are true about another group of kids - intersex ones. and i very rarely hear anyone talking about this. there are kids being subjected to unconsensual surgeries and hormones, and we need to do something about that. the experiences of trans and intersex people with the medical establishment can seem opposite but they both come down to the same basic problem; that it is medicine trying to colonise gender and force our bodies to conform to their fucked up ideas of what they should be. we owe it to each other and to the children to fight together.

i'm eternally frustrated by how the rightwing, the fash, the terfs, wholesale lift the experiences of intersex children, use it as a weapon against the trans community, and then if they mention intersex kids at all - which they rarely do - it is simply to say that it's fine because it's correcting a mistake when it is done to us. and the best response the trans community seems to come up with is "no we don't do that actually". i think calling out their hypocrisy, forcing them to actually answer to what they've done in terms of misusing the suffering of intersex people, and being consistent with our own beliefs by including intersex liberation in our struggle in a meaningful way, would be a far better way to counter the narrative surrounding trans kids than what we're doing at the moment. :::

CW: dysphoria

Thesis: i want to post in the mega and talk to other trans folks

Antithesis: i have nothing to say

Synthesis: post meaninglessness

::: spoiler (CW: Transphobia) Just got a text from my father and I read it while I was still working and it kinda fucked me up, I was struggling a bit to do the last bit of tutoring for the day.

Context is I had said I could probably meet up for lunch Sunday if I'm not collapsed on my bed due to work. Since I have a 12 hour outdoor work day on Saturday and this week is also just long in general. And he knows that. Oh and during our call Sunday my mother yelled at me over his phone again and tried to gaslight me about how she had told me that she wants me homeless when I brought it up. So this is coming right after that. Fun.

"OK, Sunday, choose the place and stop whining, you know that there is still a place for you here and that your life would be easier if you were ready to wait a few more years for your transition."

Just. I know it's not the absolute worst thing I've gotten from either of them about it. But it just hurts so much more deeply for some reason. I want to just get into bed and curl up to cry but I need to shower and eat first since I only just got off work so I'm gonna have to zombie through that for an hour or some such before I can let this emotionally settle and that sounds fucking awful right now.

Oh and he has literally never once called me by my name. He compromised by saying he would switch to my old nickname which I was fine with, only to then immediately stop using it and go back to my deadname. :::

Was in the deep, deep south yesterday. The kinda place with like 5k population, no major cities for 2+ hours, no cell signals. Stopped at a gas station to refuel, piss, and get some snacks for the road. Standing in line waiting to pay, and this old woman starts slowly walking towards me. I didn't know what was about to happen but she gets really close to me and smiles and says, "I love your shirt. I do." and then smiles again and nods and I'm trying not to tear up, dawg. I paid for my stuff smiling and then drove away pretty happy.

I was wearing this shirt

Idk man, shit is alright sometimes

went through some older selfies, pre- and early transition and compared them to my most recent one

gosh darn i just keep getting cuter

"Living in sin" makes it sound so much more lascivious and dirty than it is. Like sure Aunt Germaine, the wife and I were just hanging out cuddling and watching slop and eating cookies, but sure, we were fucking LIVING IN SIN!! OH, HOW DEBAUCHED, THE UTTER INDECENCY, A 24/7 LIFE OF LECHEROUS LESBIANISM!!!!!

Some cute lesbians in a Subaru are running around with bubbles in the park next to the center

gonna feed the MOFUCKIN DUCKIES today because I have been sad and the birds make me happy

I can't stand when people bathe themselves in cologne/perfume. You don't need that much! I shouldn't be able to smell you from another room, and the smell shouldn't linger in rooms you haven't even been in!

Chat is it misogyny if within your family you (not a woman but consistently gendered as one) and your mom are always expected to do the cooking to the point where your brother and your dad don't know how to cook. Oh and also they're always going out with their friends (obviously not COVID-safely) while you have to work ~1 hour a day (not every day but most days) for a meal that they might not even end up eating but expect to have on the table anyways. Oh and also there is not really any way to shorten that cooking time because cooking a full Chinese family-style meal is the expectation and there's no real way to get out of that. Is this that Feminism 101 concept of "invisible labor" that we like to talk about. Because I feel like in my family I'm the only person who sees this and I don't dare bring it up because if I do I'll be made to feel ridiculous.

Wish I was in a better mood to celebrate being first.

I hate it when people say "You just have to man up." No, thanks. I'd rather not.

Increasingly feeling like Hexbear being normal about women: (Challenge: Impossible)

We need another TC_69 Purge.

MODS?! A fucking deer ate a bunch of my tomato plants in the garden. There are a bunch of lettuce plants like 10 feet away that I wouldn't even have been mad if they munched on instead. Now I'm probably not even getting heirloom tomatoes this year. No caprese salad?

bad feels

::: spoiler spoiler ___Ughhhhh... I had to move back in with my parents in the suburbs a few months ago (which obv destroyed my social life). My mom has taken to her insane habit of searching my room everyday like when i was a teenager smoking pot. The other day she took my E and syringes and I confronted her about it because I'm a fucking adult and she has no right to take my shit. Anyhow, as a result of this she outed me to my bigoted dad. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. I've used They/Them for two years now and they haven't gendered me correctly once. It feels really bad. I need to get away from these people. :::

Not growing fangs with E is transphobia, where are my fangs already

I finally did an injection for the first time. I did it through the stomach - I got most of it in there, but I chickened out at the last second because it started feeling tingly and I panicked. In hindsight, it was probably the alcohol causing a reaction, which is probably fine.

You can probably tell by reading my other posts that I'm very paranoid about something going wrong, which didn't help, because I got so nervous after doing it that it got harder to breathe, which made me think something went wrong... But after a few hours, I'm pretty sure it went well. Now I just have to hope it works, because it's really out of my hands now.

Y'know what's bullshit??? Women's tanktops. No I do not necessarily want a sideboob window that is a foot fucking long, no I do not want some elaborate cutout window in the back showing my brastraps off, I am going biking for fucks' sakes. Fuck you whoever made EVERY tank like this.

I just got a letter in the mail informing me that the amazing informed consent clinic that is entirely queer owned and ran is going to close in a few months. I'm pretty upset about it. The letter said they would help my find a new Dr so I'll talk to them about it when I have my next appointment.

My secret for posting? I wait until I have a good day, and I am exhausted enough to the point where I don't have enough brainpower to question myself or second-guess my decision. Sometimes I feel like I act better when I'm tired, I probably mask way too goddamn much for my own good. The worst part about it is that I can't really control it 😂🤣😭.

I wish I had a stable sense of identity

Too autistic to act normal, not autistic enough to stop caring

Also I love how emojis let you set the tone of a comment, this is an accessibility feature.

Why would I get bottom surgery when I’m already a bottom?

My gf said she can fix me, it’s nice to find someone who can see your potential, idk where we are going right now…the park I think.

I've been getting really into cute socks lately. Definitely an underrated way to get some of that sweet sweet gender euphoria, on the down low 👀

::: spoiler romance stuff i guess torn between wanting a partner and knowing i can't provide any kind of stability. i hear people talking about wives and i'm like "how did you find someone to put up with you long enough to plan a ceremony" because that is such an alien concept to me. i know what i'm good at: levity and familiarity. i know what i'm bad at: consistency and vulnerability. my energy is enough to draw someone in but not enough to keep them around and i don't know how to change that. i opened a bunch of therapy workbooks and i just keep the tab minimized and out of sight because confronting this part of myself is 100 times scarier than anything to do with gender :::

I have to go to the mechanic and i realllly dont want to

So instead ill go tomorrow i guess and pray nothing falls off the car and make me (joking, the car is not that bad, it just needs some help, im not driving on highways, and am being safe)

my body feels a lot more feminine now. very little has fundamentally changed but it just feels like a woman's body today in an indescribable way

I’m lying awake in my bed wondering why software wizards don’t actually have any wizards in them. Seriously, wtf. Instead of some crappy progress bar, wouldn’t you rather have a little wizard in your computer that chants a spell in front of a crystal ball and magically summons software for you? I know I would. How could they just lie to us like that.

I love (most of (one is terrrrriiibllee and i want her gone)) my housemates Yes theyre s but they do genuinely care about others and want to make life better for everyone. Were open with each other and have become good friends

I just keep being the voice of " Kamala and Walz are still politicians, they dont care about the underclasses. Their policies have been shitty in these ways [enumeration]". And try to frame things in a way theyll understand. Theyre not which is more than I can say for a lot of other self proclaimed leftists ive talked with.

Wife problems that are not actually problems but kinda: I tend to wake up an hour or two earlier than my wife does. Which, weh! Why can we not wake up together in beautiful gay harmony!! Me laying in bed reading gay slop awaiting wifey to arise!!!

Why does the Trans megathread, being the largest, not simply eat the others?

::: spoiler cw sexual harassment Twice this week a (different) man touched me inappropriately and I think it put me in a dark space

I’m starting to resent my cis guy friends a bit because they always act like they support me but then are completely useless whenever something like that happens. The next day they’ll just start talking again about their favourite books that only have cis male characters. I wish I had more trans friends but I haven’t had the energy to meet new people this year. :::

Just recently I was at this cafe, and there were these four employees. They each had like a different area of responsibility (cashier, barista, food guy, and calling out orders), so I spoke to each of them independently. Now, the real juicy bit of this story, is that they ma'am'd and sir'd me in alternating order, which I thought was cool.

Another day, another day I get to be a pretty girl ✨️

Thinking we might need to outlaw cishets until we figure out wtf is going on with those guys

Just got back from a backpacking trip in the Southwestern US. We had to cut it short because my friend fell ill, but still got to be in the wilderness for 6 days.

It was so lovely, fellow trans comrades. Here’s a couple of photos: ::: spoiler spoiler

:::

::: spoiler horny, stupid You can make vegan cream

You can make a vegan cream :::

regimepilled femtanyl CONFIRMED

The strong overlap between autism and being trans is one of the great gifts bestowed upon this world by an unseen force.

Had my final appointment with my psychiatrist today, and am now officially mentally healthy and thriving .... kinda. I probably have some form of ADD, but I'd have to see a neuropsychologist for that, and the psychiatrist was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get it covered since only people who have a severe enough case of it to not be able to work can get that publicly where I live, so I just have to facetank all the symptoms either way.

This mega needs more Sonic

I will happily compliment a girl on her clothes, her hair, looking fresh and glowing, flirt, etc. No problem.

But I cannot do that with a guy, lol, just get so locked up. Like a pretty guy, fluffy hair??? I have never been able to get past the lump in my throat/butterflies in stomach lol

just found out T causes trans mascs to grow prostate tissue, that's neat. hell yeah lads

Wow, two Luna posts within 30 minutes? What's going on? Well, I've been taking estradiol injections for 10 weeks now. It's hard to imagine how different I feel from how I did a few months ago. I went from "um... yea, but I'm worried about certain things" and "I might stop, I'm just trying it out" to "grow Grow GROW" and "I need more. MORE!" The feeling of not wanting to go back, the feelings of excitement and happiness, as well as the feelings of anticipation for what lay further into my future, make it clear.

Starting E was one of the best decisions of my life, and I'm not even three months in. May the next 10 weeks continue the wonderful experience that the first 10 brought, and may I continue to further explore who I truly am, and who I want to be. 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

::: spoiler cw: sad; transphobic parent i came out to my mum on the weekend and it didn't go too well. she's been pretty selfish with the whole thing and she keeps asserting that she gave birth to a son and doesn't have a daughter. i've blocked her for now, i don't know how this resolves but i have other people in my life who do actually care about me so i'd rather spend my time with them.

on the bright side i'm out to the majority of my friends now, i've switched over all my socials, and my skin is getting softer! i really love being trans, i just wish i didn't have to deal with any of this other shit... :::

Me: i dont want to see anyone i want to be all alone im so fucking overwhelmed

10 minutes later: uuugghhh where are people i want to be social!

10 minutes later: im overwhelmed noo everyone go away!

Can my brain just make up its fucking mind!?

News mega is getting obliterated this week

i want to kiss my wife but she's playing the sims

CW for work, medication, and mental health.

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler Work has been so busy and crushing with our workload and being on-call. It really feels like I haven't had a good breather since the winter holidays last year.

I really want to take a few week break and drive out to some beautiful places but not enough money and my car is always breaking down. Maybe I'll go camping locally..

On the plus side though, HRT is impressing me every week. My boobs are filling out and are about fist sized, body hair has lightened up, and can't fit into old pants because of these thighs.

I also started taking antidepressants again and they seem to be helping with my stress and depression, so thats nice. Therapy, gender affirming care, and coping techniques kept me alive but I was really struggling. :::

Puppy remembered to brush it’s teeth today

after a grand total of 18 months on E, i have decided to change my profile pronouns from they/them to they/she. feel like i'm doing this all out of order

Came out to one of my mushroom bros today. Was worried but he was very accepting. And he lifts competitively so had his own experience with hormones to share, even estrogen which he used a few times when he was first balancing his t levels.

He even could relate to the sore nipples lol

Every birthday just makes me incredibly sad, like I can't even remember the last time I had a good one.

Today's my birthday! Yaaaaaay...

::: spoiler Dysphoria Yet another reminder that I was born in correctly. woooo :::

I'm going to spend today sitting around doing nothing because I can.

I'm actually going to bake a cake later today for it. A nice light cake with white chocolate whipped cream and raspberry filling.

Yeeeaaaah I don't think "I'm" actually as genderfluid as I thought...

i had a dream someone had broken my cat ears

thankfully it was just a dream

The switch urge to flirt someone into a shy submissive mess only for them to flirt you into one in return

::: spoiler dysphoria Got hit by a random dysphoria wave this morning so I took a million pictures trying to convince myself I don't look horrible and hated them all. But seeing them now with a clearer head a lot of them actually turned out really cute, so at least something good came out of it. :::

there's two wolves inside of you

the two wolves:

When the retro poster woman has a freakishly small waist

But her shoulders look proportionally large

Anyway, you folkes’ advice to look at normal people non-judgmentally is nice. Helps I’m mostly around boring crackers. It’s obvious most adults don’t have tiny waists and I’ve never cared anyway. Shoulders in general often look weird regardless of size. Weird thing is I only know how I want to look by what I find attractive and I only find very rare people attractive atm.

As far as my digging reveals, there are no known trans people in the towers on 9/11

Up to 18,000 people were in the towers when the first plane struck, so statistically at least one is trans

actually got an offer on a place finally. thank fucking god

holy shit, chat, i completely forgot my tax returns!

dont have to wait a month to pay my bills now!

I feel like I don't have many trans things going on in my life (despite it being the only thing I think about), but I guess I'll just say I'm very trans and very happy right now. I feel good, I've been talking to all kinds of lovely trans people, its good vibes. Maybe not tonight, but I want to make another cute bracelet. Maybe a basic braid would be a good second one to go for. Just feelin' good after a kinda rough week

Working with people who didn't grow up communicating over text blows. Why does everything need to be a meeting?

With the amount of times I've typed up posts and deleted them before posting, you would think I had social anxiety or something :agony:

::: spoiler struggling with my mom, long post okay so the thing with my mom is. things will be calm for a while but once every 1-2 months she will seemingly randomly blow up at me. Then she will tell me that actually, it's my fault because she had been enduring a lot of poor behavior from me and had gotten to the end of her rope and that's the reason why she starts yelling. She said she never does it randomly, it's always my fault.

The things that I do that bother her that drain her "to the end of her rope" is stuff like, sometimes I will get into a cycle of sleeping and waking up really late (like, 1-2 pm late) and she hates that. And also sometimes I annoy her by "talking back" (which never registers to me as talking back, in my head it always registers as me just sharing my perspective.) And I don't always proactively go make dinner, sometimes I have to wait til I'm called (though sometimes I am proactive about it!! she just calls me way earlier than necessary!!!) She also gets annoyed seeing me lying in bed during the day (something she does herself), by my messy room, by the fact that in her eyes I don't go out enough, and because she thinks I'm just lazing about the house all day. In reality, I'm usually doing a lot of personal projects; if I'm not doing those it's usually because I'm incredibly depressed and/or tired that day.

So I do all these things that annoy her, but she tamps it down until she explodes, and then I get hurt when she does that. Also all the things I do to her are me abusing her. Oh and today she was like "oh you're going to go online or to your friends and complain about me, which I don't think is fair" which... idek anymore.

Am I in the wrong here? Please, if I'm in the wrong here, please tell me. I want to give my mom a fair chance, I feel horribly guilty. But I don't know what to do. With my various neurodivergencies (ADHD, autism, OCD, depression, etc.) there's no way I can be 100% on top of things all the time like she wants me to. Like I would also prefer if I could wake up early and go to sleep early every day, but I just can't. It's basically impossible for me. And I try my best to be pleasant and helpful around the house but sometimes I do get annoyed at having to cook and I have a hard time hiding that all the time.

She says that I break her trust because I don't have "consistency" and that me "trying" isn't enough. But trying is all I can do, I don't know what more I can do but try. I just can't help the fact that some of the things she wants from me are exponentially more difficult than they are for other people. But maybe I'm the one who doesn't have enough self-discipline or something.

Also she told me today that she expected me to take care of the house and my brother and her more. She's disabled, I get it, but why is this all my responsibility now? I get that I'm the older child (the "eldest daughter" even if I'm not a girl) and I'm technically an adult but am I wrong in feeling that this is a bit unfair? That all the responsibility for this is on me and none of it is on my brother or my dad? And yet my mom thinks my brother is the much better family member, she goes on and on to me about how my brother is such a better person than me (mostly because he's less neurodivergent, tbh.)

I don't know what to do. I don't. I can't stand it anymore. This hair-trigger kind of anger that apparently I'm always setting off because just the way I exist is wrong. :::

I've had tits for like two months now and I'm still surprised by them

Hi trans mega, my beloved, my stinky. I could feel the energy draining out of me as a result of not posting for the lil queers in my phone. I don't have any cool gender posts to give you, instead I have a shitpost.

::: spoiler gamerbrain I've been staring at Guilty Gear from afar basically since Xrd -Sign- came out, thinking it looks kinda funny. When Beloved Brisket got a big boost and a proper redesign around the time Strive came out, I was like 'it would be a really funny bit to get into GuillyGeer just to main Brisket. Good bit idea.'

These and other goofy thoughts crystallised recently when Taigen Moon used Potemkin's theme from Korean Guilty Gear XX as the theme for a Gamefan documentary. Guilty Gear has the same appeal as mid-00s Sonic I think, that thing where it constantly wobbles between being kinda eyerolling and earnestly cool as fuck. It's also rare to see an anime game with actually good art instead of generic slop, and the overarching story sounds pretty rad.

So I'm attracted to GG exclusively for vain reasons, and I've never really played a fighting game before so it's obviously a really good idea to smash my head into one of the fastest and most difficult ones there is. I put Guilty Gear X, X2, and Accent Core on my PS2 and Accent Core Plus on my Wii U. Gonna try to play on low latency displays or just a CRT. I am scared though, Arcsys is gonna bully me probably. I like Bayonetta and Metal Gear Rising so I figure some of that might transfer, but weh scary fightan gaem.

DO IT FOR HER :::

::: spoiler happy posting (about height) okay chat so maybe I saw a couple women who maybe were cute and maybe they were actually my height and maybe a little taller and just maybe I'm not totally fucked because of my height. Maybe. Either way felt really good to see some people actually are my size, doesn't happen all the time. So uh yea, I'm just having a good day now. :::

i'm homosexual and transgender

I must be one hot chicken because my breasts are tender.

There are years where nothing happens and weeks where decades happen and babygirl? I've been having some WEEKS.

::: spoiler HRT talk :D I switched to sublingual a few weeks ago after doing oral for about a year and a half (after 2 years of sub-q Injections which I stopped after my bottom surgery since injecting myself was pretty anxiety inducing and I didn't need to suppress T production anymore); and WOW this feels so much better. I guess I didn't notice how much "less good" I felt on oral than injections since it was a slow change and it wasn't horrible or anything. My libido is back way up to where it was on injections (I had assumed that was just unrelated changes in libido, but apparently not), my skin feels extra soft, and most crazy of all, after almost 4 years of hrt, MY BOOBS ARE TENDER AGAIN!! Like I thought I was done and doomed to zero boob gang years ago, but apparently there is hope :D :::

Hosting the mega has actually been a great experience. It's so much easier to keep up with the posts when I can easily see what I have and have not read in my inbox. The flow of comments wasn't even that bad, considering I don't really post in too many other places. 10/10 would reccomend, the hardest part was honestly getting the post up in the first place (a me problem that's not inherent to hosting the thread).

E is doing something to my face, and I know I say this every time I shave, but this time it actually looks softer*. I don't think it's that shaving euphoria/dysphoria cycle paradox this time. Either way, the cycle continues.

::: spoiler *disclaimer It always has looked softer to me after I shave, but something about my face this time has me thinking I genuinely look different compared to how I did before. :::

Fuck this fucking country. ONE HOUR frequencies. An entire fucking hour!! In one of the biggest cities in the country!!! And guess what? My fucking bus didn't show up, again. This happens at least once a month like clockwork, eating away at what little extra money I have to get an Uber. Amazing.

1265 comments in 3 days... what the heck

I know we all like to hate on the cis, and I get it, but have you considered the poor bastards don't even have a favorite dysphoria hoodie? I can't imagine living like that.

Anyway very :comfy: and eepy, goodnight mega.

I just took my girlnap, it had a lot of transness in it. Talking with you all, the minecraft server, myself as my real name and I was a girl (at least for some of it), and the mob in my front yard.

But what I remember most was getting girl shorts and panties. I didn't get to try them, but I was so close. I knew I was dreaming, but I tried to convince myself it was real and I was actually getting them.

I need girl clothes so bad I'm going to spend so much money on this stuff.

transbender

Being trans is so unique, in so many good ways. I'm so glad I get to experience it. Some of the best feelings ever.

I'm so annoyed that my sewing machine had to break on me just at this moment, when I was really getting into the rhythm of learning pattern-drafting for the first time. I guess in the meantime I can work on some of my clothing modifications that are stuck in the WIP pile, but I really want to get into making full garments from scratch, you know? I really want to make a fancy elegant frilly shirt with ridiculous sleeves.

Maybe in the meantime I can ramble a bit in the mega about pattern-drafting and my future clothing plans...

Just purchased some Doc Marten's for myself. Can't wait for them to come in

::: spoiler dysphoria and substance abuse

get dysphoric because of body fat distribution

drink about the dysphoria

can't lose any weight because i keep drinking so damn much

can't weight cycle without losing weight first

go to step one

I WANT OFF MR. BONES' WILD RIDE :::

::: spoiler just a bunch of freaking out I wish I felt regular I wish I was feeling normal I wish I was emotionally regulated I wish I didn't get prescribed silly drugs that fuck up your brain for however many days, I fuckin said SSRIs and SNRIs were shit for that, is it too much to ask to want anxiety fucking sorted??? I have probably come as far as I can on willpower alone, truly Posting Through It all the time, but I just don't wanna have negative fuckin spiralling anxious neurotic worries or semi weekly total collapses that require me to not interact with anyone at all, for days, fuck. :::

been feeling like complete and utterly self isolating self destructive shit, so trying to channel it into writing. for years I have wanted to write a space opera, and I finally have started to do some deeper world building on the speculative evolution of different species. I have a weird autistic frustration every time I watch sci fi, even tho I love the genre, that most series do not have major species in their galaxy be anything other than 'weird humans', it's just stastically improbbably impossible that we'd have THIS much covergent evolution towards the same bodyplan (we ain't crabs buddy, it's not that solid a body plan). you're telling me, across these thousands of species, all of them somehow evolved the same symetry we did? and all of them have 2 eyes, 2 nostrils, a mouth on the face, 2 arms and legs? but they got like a weird head crst or something? na fam, that's just boring. where are their adaptations to their environment! life on earth is so diverse and fucking weird, let alone with thousands of different environmental factors on other planets

::: spoiler intrusive thought as a kid in primary school, we watched this PSA thing about electricity and the dangers of it. and this kid uses a knife to unjam the bread from the toaster and gets electrocuted. literally for like the past 15 years I cannot make toast without the intrusive thought of 'what if I just jammed this knife in the toaster tho?'. like, I'm not gonna do it, I don't want to get electrocuted that shit sucks. but that PSA really embeded the 'DO NOT DO THIS THING' into my head as a fucking cognito hazard :::

Shopping for clothes be like "where the FUCK are womens boxers at?!"

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria :agony-shivering: I fucking hate random erections, they give me bottom dysphoria every single time and now I can't get back to sleep. So now I'm probably going to need to take a girl nap later or I'll feel like shit.

Like come on brain :cri: you've already put me through a lot can you please not make me deal with bottom dysphoria? I've already cried while masterbating can that be it? Just be done with it? I'm okay being a girl with a penis. If no brain worms why do I have dysphoria :kitty-cri:

I don't know I really just don't want to deal with bottom dysphoria and I'm scared it'll get worse. :::

good mega feeling: getting a reply from either magi or ash and waiting for the other to respond as well

HAHAHA! YES! MY HAIR IS LONG ENOUGH TO FIT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN!

On today's episode of me starting to look subtly more like my mother, I just found a red hair, the first one in a while. It's a lot darker than hers but still a reminder.

Proud of myself for remembering how to do basic division.

::: spoiler CW dysphoria, body stuff, brainworms Ive been feeling so weird about my breasts lately. Ive been diy my whole transition, and theres these worms in my brain telling me thats why my breasts are so small. Theyre just little cones! They protrude enough that they fit depthwise into a c cup (or b or d depending on brand and style), but they have so little volume. I keep trying to go get my levels checked (never done that before 😭) but its really difficult for me, cause of timing and no health insurance, but also because im terrified ill go in and the doctor will basically tell me ive ruined any chance of having breasts larger than an a cup. I worry that monotherapy isnt working for me anymore, and while i can get hormones and perscriptions im so bad at going to this place to get them that I havent, despite having had access for over 6 months. I just want breasts proportional to my body damn it! I want to look like a girl even when im not exclusively wearing clothing that is super flattering on me! :::

A friend called me princess today

If we have a gaystylejoker, I sure hope there isn't a straightstylejoker

Decided not to condemn my sim to an existence of boymoding.

I am a benevolent God.

im transgener :::)

I had to stay late

Last night shift went off the rails, way too busy. The kids aren't even back in school yet, it should not be respiratory season

::: spoiler alcohol does anyone else do this cool thing where you wake up early after you drink :::

if i suddenly stop posting it's because i have died due to the HUMIDITY im too hwite and northern to survive in this

got called sir like 4+ times today

Talking with someone about concerts and I realized I now regret not going to more stuff pre-covid. Now it's too risky and too expensive

I hope my future gf gives me flowers. It would make me melt

::: spoiler trauma talk but jokey me and my friend were talking about hot girls and they were teasing me about wanting get spanked when i brought up how i actually feel really traumatized about that because my parents did that to me as a kid so they switch and started teasing me about a hot girl doing something unrelated to my childhood trauma and went with multiplication tables, which somehow is a different childhood trauma of mine :::

keep looking at my face in the mirror. my face is noticeably softer now but it still looks male so all I can do is shout at the estrogen "just what's your plan here, girl?" because it's cooking something but i still don't know what

women

tfw transitioning actually takes time and effort and it's not instantaneous and effortless

I humbly ask the trans mega to contribute some posts to the c/libre comm. It can be about anything Linux or FOSS related (programming socks included!)

Our mascot is a trans femme fox counterpart to Tux so like you gotta post (but you don't have to it's okay)

I'm really excited for my hair to keep growing out. It's a slow process, but it's getting there. Long hair is something I really look forward to, especially being able to braid it or put it into a ponytail. I would love to be able to keep it loose, but have a small pony. Then, take that pony, and hang it over one of my shoulders. Not keeping one side of my head hair short, but keeping it all to one side.

::: spoiler cw: regret, child experience, "bullying" I have always wanted my hair longer, and I have tried to grow it out once before. I think many people just assumed I commit, and I was often remained of how bad it looked on me, how it looked like a mullet (derogatory), and how I should cut it. I am a people pleaser, so of course I eventually did. It took a very long time to try again, and since I am autistic, it also involved getting used to the physical feeling of hair again. It's something that was very overwhelming both times I have grown out my hair. I'm used to it now, but having to fight my neurodivergence and social expectations for who I was made it really difficult for me. It's why I feel proud of my hair, and I always will. I overcame the odds and I did what I wanted to do. It's why I feel so excited, because I didn't cut it again, and I won't. It's also why my anxiety gets really bad when I think about the possibility of losing it. Sorry for the info-dump, but if I'm going to be giddy about my hair I need to provide some context so I don't seem crazy. :::

Anyway, figured after typing all of that out I should provide an example of something I would do with my hair. Meet Leonie, one of my favorite Fire Emblem character designs, solely because of her hair. Disclaimer: Color is not a point of reference, orange would not look good on me.

Thank you for coming my TED Talk. Side note, a medication I was taking might have been worsening my depression. Of course my doc failed to tell me and I found out from a random pharmacist's assistant 😅 how fun.

::: spoiler talking about sex I really try not to but this has been bothering me for a while. I don't know if this is because I'm on T and a trans woman, or if this is normal (especially for women?), but I feel like my sexuality is very "pushy" and I hate it. It pushes on me, and I worry that it would "make" me be pushy. The idea of acting pushy in that way disgusts me. It makes me hate myself/my sexuality and has for a long time (maybe forever?).

I don't know, its embarrassing to even say. :::

why must my wife abandon me in the depths of night 😔

::: spoiler death (she's fine) oh there's a 'dead body' that 'urgently needs to be taken to the morgue'. you think having an undertaker wife is gonna be all goth babe stuff, but then she has to run away to pick somebody else up at 10pm :::

Wish I had more positive stuff to share :( ::: spoiler declining mental health, self-harm, suicidal feelings, medical gatekeeping I'm less isolated and lonely now that I'm back at my parents place, but overall my mental health is still getting worse. The cutting has increased, and I'm becoming suicidal. I've been hesitant to talk to a mental health professional about this, since I fear it will lead to gender affirming care being gatekept from me, but now I see that I'm going to be gatekept regardless, so fuck it.

I honestly don't know how it will help though, the root causes are not something that can just be fixed with therapy. Maybe they'll give me antidepressants and that will somehow magically give me the ability to get my shit together, idk... :::

me @ my hips waiting for them to get wider

happy butch appreciation day to all how celebate

::: spoiler sex toy stuff You can get electrified buttplugs????

...ow? :::

damn, already surpassed the news mega, and they had a 3hr head start. what a time to be alive.

::: spoiler cw: injection + allergy talk so, a few weeks back, I had an awful allergic reaction to my estradiol injection – got this huge, swollen area next to the injection site, it was big and red and itchy for over a week. the next two injections had a similar, but milder, reaction, that mostly went away (aside from what looks like mild bruising) in 5-7 days.

talked to my dr. about it last week, after it'd happened three times and I'd confirmed to myself that it wasn't some issue with my technique, and they gave me two options:

1. switch to estradiol cypionate – this would be my first choice, except apparently my pharmacy only offers it in 5mg/mL concentration, so I would need to inject over a full mL of fluid every single week, which just... no?
2. ice the injection site before and after injecting, and apply hydrocortisone cream to the area, both of which should reduce inflammation and itchiness.
3. (suggested by pharmacist, not dr., and I forgot to discuss this one with the dr.) switch from subcutaneous (subQ) to intramuscular (IM) injections, because, according to the pharmacist, sometimes allergic reactions happen due to the injection being near the skin, and putting the estradiol deeper can avoid that allergic reaction.

I tried option (2) last week, with the exception that my phone call to discuss options with my dr. was about an hour after I did my weekly injection, so I was only able to ice the injection site after but not before injecting. this + applying hydrocortisone cream that evening seems to have minimized, if not done away with, the allergic reaction, but I'm not convinced a topical steroid is the right long-term solution, so I'll probably be discussing maybe switching to IM injections with my dr. this week. :::

::: spoiler stressing about pictures we're doing a photo shoot at work, for the students and the faculty, but i work at the kitchen so i cant wear makeup and the awful work-clothes and im going to look awful :::

::: spoiler cw I'm gay and my dick is small posting I'm gay and my dick is small :::

bit idea: reading incredibly weird internet smut to to try to bridge the gap so you can be friends with the nerd girl

the tracha matrix has reminded me how inconvenient matrix can be in larger groups. In element it just feels so unresponsive and slow, almost inherently (I've used a number of homeservers, for seperating identites and whatnot, and it doesn't change that much). There are other clients, but the way that the e2e session verification thingy works, it always seems to breakdown (or there will be some feature that I want that isn't implemented). It just seems harder to jump in and start engaging, compared to IRC (which isn't without it's flaws), XMPP (OMEMO + Tor lets it do a lot of the same things as Matrix), or even Discord (bleh).

But the real reason I'm making this post is because the people on the tracha matrix chat are really cool, and as a message (not exactly) directly to them, thanks for that. Even if I mostly am a lurker there (hopefully I'll be able to change that, but "live chat with strangers" always feels a bit weird to me), it's great to see and particpate in those interesting, engaging, and heartfelt discussions.

Voice training got me in for my first appointment that week. I guess they had a cancellation. Second appointment is in the beginning of October. Voice training is going to be a long road.

::: spoiler more hormonal waffling, weight & body hair stuff Waow the boobs grew like, a lil. Not much but that's fucking sick. I will observe them and see if I need new bralettes

Also little by little I am growin body hair in spots. I might have more fluff above my lip idk. I know from my levels that this is not an HRT related malfunction but instead I am getting estrogen-typical body hair growth, which is pretty funny. Growing body hair is not a commonly seen part of HRT, but... Hairlessness is basically not a thing, even if you chug blockers early the estrogen will give you some, which is cool.

I hope more weight goes to my hips and thighs when I put it on. I like the tummy but also want my figure to be more bottom heavy, I guess. If I weren't sedentary by necessity I would do squats n stuff. :::

So my first estradiol vial is nearing on empty. Is there a point I should stop using it or do I keep going until I can't fill the needle at all any more?

Also, it's kinda insane that the entire vial is just 400 mg of actual estradiol, that's such a tiny amount of anything to have such a huge physical (and mental) impact on me.

So she stayed quiet at work. She stayed quiet at group. It got obvious that this was a pattern everywhere in her life: she sat back, kept company with herself in her head, and didn’t really interact directly with anything. Well, except for the Internet, where you could just spew venom or, sometimes, whatever is the opposite of venom. Sugar? Antidote? Is anti-venom a thing? She could just unload to her computer, on a blog without her name attached to it, and then it was almost like a conversation. People would say things back, acknowledge that your experience was real. The Internet got her through way more than actual human interaction.

I'm being doxxed in Nevada

My cat's eating my rice krispie treat >:|

Just letting you all know I'm going to start info dumping about reptiles, this will be a thing I do now and you will just have to deal with it. I don't like cissies so its getting posted here.

::: spoiler spooky snek posting Okay, so reptiles are my longest running special interest, as a few of you already know (join the matrix btw). Unfortunately being trans has eaten up all of my free time so my reptile research has been more limited recently.

Topic of this post is the false water cobra, Hydrodynastes gigas. I'll start with some pictures so you can have an idea what they look like
These absolute cuties come from south America, and as their name suggests they live near bodies of water, such as near rivers. They are also huge, growing up to 9 feet long and weighing up to 10 pounds, (3m/4kg), although they are typically around 6ft/5lbs. As you might suspect, they are not actually cobras, and are not elapids like actual cobras are, but in the colubrid family instead. They do not have fixed fangs like cobras or many other venomous snakes do, but have rear "fangs" that fold (I say "fangs" because I believe they are actually enlarged some kind of teeth, but forget the exact explanation). They aren't really dangerous to humans. Even if they envenomate, which they can only do if you let them chew on you, it is very mild and typically only causes swelling for a couple days. As far as I'm aware no one has died from one of these guys.

They are highly intelligent, very fast moving, and have incredible appetites. In the wild they eat almost anything they can, like fish, small mammals and frogs. In captivity a diet of frozen thawed rodents is a typical and complete diet for them. As you saw earlier, they can flatten their necks out to look more intimidating, like real cobras, although this adaptation was evolved separately. A neat little convergent evolution moment.

They are somewhat commonly kept as pets (I say somewhat common, they are available online but I'd be surprised if you found one in a pet store), and have a few neat genetic mutations (morphs) that change their appearance. I really like the "lavender" gene.
No I do not know why he is holding him like that But look at how pretty the he is!

Just to clarify about morphs, this is a random genetic mutation, like albinism. They aren't bred like dogs to make them look this way, and as far as I'm aware this trait doesn't have any effect on the snake, outside of looking neat. Many morphs are found in the wild, just rarely because many of them make camouflage harder. :::

Hopefully this is detailed enough to count as autism posting >.< I have nerdier but I need to fact check myself and that takes time.

Chinese hackers, the same ones that hacked my icloud full of nudes and photoshopped my penis to appear 4.15 inches erect (which is also in the range of average btw), have taken down the movie server in an effort to subvert US military recruitment

Trans-Americans are the most fertile crop of new US military recruits, this movie event was sponsored by the US Military, put the pieces together

Chinese spies DONT want you to join the military, they DONT want you in Iran

my sewing machine is broken. i've diagnosed the problem but i have no idea how to fix it. idk if it's even possible to fix by myself. but to see a sewing machine technician would be so much money.

idk what to do, i was on such a roll with learning how to pattern draft too. i had just drafted my first bodice block and was making a mock-up to fit it to myself. do i handsew all my garments until i work out a solution to this. ughhhhhhh

Yay. This thread federating correctly with today, unlike last week's (which still shows 0 comments and thought it was locked).

::: spoiler weirdo sex shit, utter filth, seriously nsfw Chronicles of autoremoved, volume II

I need the attention and interaction and affection of my partner, but also I could probably almost be theoretically autosexual, with how much of my internal sexbrain seems to revolve around me instead. I am happy to pleasure my partner, I enjoy it a lot, but also it seems like I am really taking to being hot and enjoying it. My thought processes coalesce around my being a beautiful enby and basically sexualising myself, now that I feel more comfortable and compatible with that sort of thing, in a healthy way. Being sexualised on my own terms, in affirming ways, how I want. I also keep getting more beautiful which is very helpful. Fucking myself would probably be fun now...

I also like involving another person though, it's like Look at me, I am gorgeous, who wouldn't want to gaze upon me, put their hands on me? So while the way this works is probably slightly greedy, it's also easy to integrate a partner into this stuff and like, bask in it. Feels fucking great. I think it takes me a lot to let anyone in sexually--I used to just be incapable, but my wife has been so incredibly sweet and very good to me--so as much as it sounds like disgusting fucking dirty smut I think it's also a very intimate emotional thing.

Despite these utterly dirty thoughts I am still pretty sure I am asexual, or ace-spec at the very least. Maybe demi but I'm not sweating it. I still relate weirdly to sex and will freak out easily at it in any context outside of the bedroom with my wife. Just working out how I relate to sex, which again is wonderful. :::

Shaved for the first time in forever this morning and I feel so much better

I smiled at the trans cashier at the grocery store and she didn't smile back

I don't care if it's actually pronounced hydro-city because pronouncing it like velocity is cooler

::: spoiler ocd complaints For 3 fucking days about a year ago, I was breathing manually. That was so god awful. I thought I had broken something, it was exhausting!!! Cause I'd have to manually breathe as I fell asleep, so I also had a fun touch of insomnia. Like legit, my automatic breathing was turned off unless I was unconscious. Thankfully, it did go away. Dunno if anyone needs to hear this, but if it's happening to you and you have anxiety/ocd stuff like I do - yes, it sucks. No, you're not broken. Yes, you'll be able to breath normally again (eventually). :::

i have been visited by the spectre of traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i'm kicking back and stretching out in this megathread... feels good to have 0 notifications again

::: spoiler dysphoric day and crotch shaving Gf was afraid to sleep next to me last night. Essentially still gendering me as a boy and afraid I would be horny in the morning and she'd feel pressured into sex.

Snuggling at night was the middle ground we found during our last argument. Not every night but I requested we snuggle a few times a week so we could have physical intimacy. The first night went great and I woke up feeling more bonded and secure.

Last night we tried and she was scared so went to sleep in her room. Even after telling her I'm barely getting morning erections in the morning and that I had no intention of asking her for sex when we woke up.

Feeling like I have to do so much to not get coded as a boy. Change my voice, take out a loan to laser my face, etc. And that no matter what people who knew me as a boy are still going to see my dead name when they see me.

Thought I would shave my crotch since I need to for laser tomorrow. And hoped the shaving would help.

Staring at my penis and testicles for an hour has made everything worse. When I used to shave down there it felt kinda sexy. Right now I just feel like crying. :::

cytube and matrix blew up at the same time. my head is going to explode

Is there any word that can't be turned derogatory with a mere "(derogatory)"?

i'm sorry i was briefly posting on the wrong side of the posting wars

i will accept any punishment the council deems sufficent

I successfully peed in the woods like a girl

Kamala Harris is letting in over 100,000 immigrants a day through the border

How do I know? I have 10,000 of them in my ass right now

Also my chest has started hurting recently which is nice in a validating way

::: spoiler I know where every trans mega poster lives In my heart :::

I lost one of my favorite shirts at an air bnb and I really miss it

Kinda sad that the most fun, organic IRL social interaction I've had in like seven years is with a city case worker.

I won't go into detail for dox reasons but we lucked into a really nice lady who used to work in anti-eviction services so she's gotta be decent people. I know she's required by job to be nice but it was actually really cool and relaxed signing forms and chattering and w/e. The most noteworthy part is, my wife is like invisible for some reason? She just has a MENACING AURA so usually people do not acknowledge her which is profoundly rude. As it turns out getting acknowledged as a couple is actually really nice, I like doing the happy-wives-bit irl. Very cool.

No matter what I do, the part in my hair always goes back to the side

I might be able to change my gender, but I'll forever be a millennial 😔

Have a cough and a froggy voice and discovering I can do a good Emperor Palpatine voice now and saying "the dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural" and "DEW IT" to myself is cracking me up. It's so weird and vastly different from my normal femme speaking voice that it circled back around in my head to being gender reaffirming because of how goofy it is instead of dysphoric

Finally. A place where you can be gay

I might be getting a job! It doesn't pay the best, but I would get to spend a lot of time outside. With autumn coming soon, it's really exciting. I'm just hoping that I can get the job (and that it's what I want it to be).

Of course I also hope people don't harass me, but it pales in comparison to the relief I feel about not having to stand in one spot for a whole shift.

I don't want a flea bath

Watching an anti-transmed vid and then getting recced “neopronoun cringe” stuff.

reveling in the weird gender euphoria of the discomfort i get not wearing a bralette while boymoding

I wish I could log in on my phone so I could actually participate in these megas, IDK why it wont let me post on the go. SMH shaking my head

Not many people check the matrix chat that thoroughly...

In other news I saw someone not reveal what book she was reading because "there is only one person with my brainworms", in which case I am SO FUCKED

::: spoiler Okay so the Ada Rook game is like this and it fucks tbh. Ooooof that feels good, I would read a fucking novel if she wrote one tbh. :::

::: spoiler cw: sex the switchy desire to blindfold someone and pass them around with some real body worship warring with the desire to be the one being passed around :::

choices choices

I wonder if I could get my 🎀 working on a hexbear account 🤔

Ah but I like being a hipster too much, I should stick to grad

::: spoiler whining Waaah I'm so burned out and emotionally desolate late at night! I need to lean on my wife like a crying child and put on the Tactics Ogre ost for comfort! Weh witness how hard my life is! Etc :::

So I ordered a new shirt and I absolutely love it. At first I was worried about it because it's tight and usually I would be mortified at the idea of wearing tight fitting clothes. But then I decided to try it as part of an outfit and it turns out that I looooove it. It's also a kind of shirt that I would have never worn. It's a woman's (duh) "muscle tee" that shows off a fair bit of side boob. It says "Born to dilly dally, forced to pick up the pace ". I tried it out with one of my favorite hippie skirts, and I think it looks so cute as an outfit.

One of my lower lashes got caught on some leftover eyelash glue and for a moment I thought I had fucking glued my eyes shut

Decided to buy a new foil head for my electric razor to use for my private area.
It seems to work pretty good.

I am gonna save so much money on razors.

after this morning, i am reluctantly accepting my current role as the toilet fixing kind of gay woman. i'm taking steps to transition out of this role socially but i don't know where to start

we need but trans

::: spoiler cw:PISS

Is it weird that I still stand to pee? Like sitting is nice and all, but its just so damn convenient. Also I'm still boymoding, so its not like I'm pulling that shit in the ladies room.

:::

The matrix chat was full of computer dorks all night so uh, I installed W11 on my desktop because default, gaming, whatever y'know. I'm really thinking about putting W10 LTSC and some Linux distro on there though, maybe even just Manjaro again but Idk. 11 sucks soooooo badly. If I had a linux desktop maybe I could order some programming socks...

idk if I am gonna go to the makeup store.
The idea of going by myself feels too daunting, but I can't bring myself to ask anybody to go with me.
Even if I did idk if I'd have enough time to get the hang of it before I have to get my passport picture taken.

this game called me a zionist, and then after I did some cool things it starting to call me a commie

Just had the final all hands on board before the convention next week as I'm staffing it. Asked about COVID once and got ignored. Asked a second time and had the con president answer me. No policies aside from "We recommend and suggest people wear a mask, but we're not going to enforce it" aka we're not doing anything aside from feckless measures that we're not even going to do anything about. Like, I still wanna go cause I wanna be there for my friend, but holy hells what is wrong with people these days? People are just willingly crippling themselves with COVID. Gods.

::: spoiler drugs, downstairs stuff

living my best lesbian life in a stone house in the hills of spain. two cats, x-files & a lot of weed. risperidon withdrawal can't keep me down

it's crazy how my cock only actually feels like a part of my body now that i'm transitioning. enjoying every second hehe

---

:::

::: spoiler alcohol i had a drink again... woke up with 60% of a footlong sandwich on my desk. it's been out for like 6 hours and i don't care :::

i love hats, but i hate shopping for them "fits most" OH YEAH WELL MY HEAD IS FREAKISHLY LARGE

side effects of estrogen they don't warn you about: laughing until you cry because you're imagining a person with very silly voice in your head

thinking of buying some swimwear

::: spoiler fashionposting #2 (musings about sewing) idk if this is a common misconception, but before I started to learn how to sew I was under the impression that the actual sewing was the main time-consuming part of the process? but that idea died pretty quickly once I actually started. in reality, making a garment from start to finish is like, 20% sewing At Most and actually mainly about cutting, pinning, and ironing. If trying to self-draft patterns, that's another thing on top of everything else; even if using a ready-made pattern, many people end up having to make adjustments so that the pattern better fits their proportions and their desires.

I'm under no impression that my clothes look "professional", there's still am amateurish quality about them because despite having been at this for about two years, I haven't actually made many full projects during that time (for various reasons — mostly I've been preoccupied by other stuff, and I also do a lot of modifying clothing which is very different from making clothing from scratch.) I do think that I'll get a lot better at garment construction the more I do it, but something I think is fun is that with a little bit of "idc what people think" energy even the messy, amateurish results of beginning sewing can be worn out and look cute! I've mentioned this before, but I made a pair of strappy plaid pants and I messed them up a lot, including in some fairly visible ways; but nobody noticed the messy parts, they just saw cool pants and I got a shit ton of compliments on them. I dress for myself and myself alone, so I really don't care that much what other people think of my clothes, which helps me go out in my imperfect pieces with basically zero self-consciousness.

That being said garment construction is an incredible skill, and it boils my blood when people imply that ready-to-wear clothes are put together poorly or without skill or whatever. I do not possess the skills of a seamstress of ready-to-wear clothes, and the vast majority of people doing this kind of complaining don't either. When I see people being snobby and elitist about cheap clothing, implying it all falls apart quickly, I actually want to shake them because like — the problem with cheap clothing is not that the clothes are poorly put together, it's the labor exploitation of the incredibly skilled garment workers, many of whom are located in the global south. :::

i've figured out my next "gaming" experiences for the moment!

bought a urban fantasy werewolf game and a game about trying to protect your Jewish village situated on the border between Poland and the Ukraine during the end of the 19th century which is probably going to be difficult considering the period and the...place. &

i do love these Choice of Games, games. they unite my favourite two things, reading and fanfiction

The little fold out carrying tab thing on the back of my phone case broke and I don't know what kind of glue to use to try to fix it

::: spoiler Wasn't gonna post this, but it seems like this is the horny mega day, so I'm obligated to contribute Never could understand how guys could get off to vibrations. Even in elementary school, it was something that seemed foreign to me. Anyways, finally was able to enjoy that for the first time last night. Probably been the horninest I've been since starting HRT without forgotting spiro in the morning. :::

this user is currently full of unspeakably horny and touch starved thoughts about women

Kind of freaking out over the idea of having to have my picture taken for my passport.
What if I have to see it and I don’t like what I see and it causes me to spiral?

I feel like I’ve been making progress these last few months and have been emotionally stable, I don’t want to ruin that.

CW; Crimes against humanity, body horror, weirdly personal. ::: spoiler spoiler Soooo my grandfather was a human test subject on Eniwetok Atoll in the 50s for American nuclear trials. I happen to have polyorchidism. I'm pretty certain it's from radiation causing genetic damage. It gave me a horrible hernia that I had to have fixed at 23. But at the moment my problem is "do they work or not?" I'm on a pretty low dose of E (DIY) and I'm not sure if it's actually suppressing my T production or if I'm just fucking myself up. :::

Fallow makes me gay and wistful. This is an incredible new frontier in interactive technology, because I think the last time a game made me feel gay & wistful was playing fruity little twine games on itch or something. I do not get anything like enough chances to feel gay and wistful, the way I do with a good soulcrushing transbian novel or queer album, with viddy gaems. I desire viddy gaems to make me gay & wistful pls.

When you put on lotion and sunscreen after shaving and it stings

Bisexuality is when you pluck your eyebrows

gonna start reading beach boys songs as being about the trans experience to piss off 60 year old men

Epilating is pain
But pain is beauty

Edit: I will do my arm hair and get some, but under the light there seems to still be a good amount at a good length but no matter what the epilator won’t pluck them.

Can they be too long for it to work?

my gf laughs at me because she is a bully pls shame her.

::: spoiler talking about dysphoria/eating/weight issues I love how my brain just focuses on numbers. Height, weight, calories, doesn't matter. Like a fucking magnet. Its so incredibly toxic to me and with transitioning has only gotten worse. I'm feeling okay right now, but sometimes its just bad. Oh, and seeing other people's numbers. god that might be as bad as thinking about mine. Fucking hell.

But I am feeling good now, just reflecting on how I was feeling earlier/how I have struggled in the past. :::

I have a really good time to come out, right now. I'm not going to take it, lmao, but deciding not to does hurt a little. I'm sure it'll happen when I'm ready.

Damn y'all are thinking about sex a lot lately, wonder what it was

About 4 years ago, I was trying to decide what I was gonna do for nursing school - I had been accepted earlier that year and was also starting to work my way up the ladder of social transition, I was out and open with my then partner, I was in girl clothes all the time at home (which was almost all the time, covid lockdowns), sometimes I was brave and went out in girl clothes. I hemmed and hawed about the decision of if I was gonna boy mode or be out for school for WEEKS.

Ultimately I didn't decide until the first day of classes, I ended up picking to socially transition on a whim lol

::: spoiler blackpilled brainrot shit If you have The Autism and don't know what social norms are, cannot perceive them... can I recommend strongly against learning about them? I mean it less in the, conversational politeness way and more the, some actions or traits or whatever, fucking styles of dress, have weird inexplicable connotations or horrible implications according to neuro fucking typicals. It is so cursed, like you know those guys on that 4chan board that always talk about chad and stacy, and the fucking "dating market" like it's goddamn wallstreet for their incel asses?? People rightly make fun of those anons, but by truth the actual social norms that have been concocted on our planet are not particularly far off of that. It's utterly fucked up.

The reason I recommend against learning them is because it's just psychic damage. It's not something you can use really, there might be stupid arbitrary rules or the person who told you might be seeing it a certain specific weird way, or just be wrong. So stay oblivious, stay well, holy shit. :::

I fucking hate being recorded and apparently the cis don't mind to the same extent, so my demanding not to be feels weird. Still do, cuz fuck 'em, but I hate it. And I hate that its not respected. Like seriously, why are you doing something to me that you know I don't want? wtf? So easy to just stop doing it if you know I'm uncomfortable but I guess no one cares.

Foxes are gay wolves.

I had a really good day yesterday, so of course today i feel terrible, sad and down and in that space where i dont want to take care of myself

Men, I'm calling you out, quite being handsome!!

They don't even wear makeup, well some of em do

Tomorrow's my birthday but i can't help but feel depressed

You are currently prescribed for just .3ml. Keep it that way. Your levels are more than sufficient

FORGET THAT, BABY. FILL THE WHOLE DAMN SYRINGE WITH THE GOOD SHIT

::: spoiler blegh, sick felt realy bad today. really bad abdominal pain, that sucked. fucking exhausted too. thirty five mother fucking degrees celcius today in the UK, fuck this. the viewing we went to on the weekend estate agent told us to phone first thing monday morning, did that aaaand appartment already gone. so now I gotta to find another 20 appartments, where I get 1 or 2 viewings, and once again am told no go fuck yourself you can't live here :::

Don’t worry vocel police, I don’t have sex because I am too self-conscious and have vulnerability issues.

Does anyone else like certain names, but you choose not to take them because someone you know also has that name and it would be weird?

Anyone here ever take benzo for anxiety? Did it work for you and would you recommend it?

(for the record I currently take mirtazapine, which i think??? is helping me regulate my mood a bit better because at least i'm not having many days laying in bed all day consumed by thought-spirals. but i still have incredibly bad anxiety especially around texting and communication, as I've mentioned before)

• I watched The People's Joker on Saturday and LOVED it. I really love that style of weird humor and I want to see more of this kind of thing. Stuff like this. Maybe I should just go watch more Tim and Eric.

• I watched this weird 70's murder mystery today called Murder by Natural Causes because I initially thought it I was watching Columbo, but by the time I realized it wasn't Columbo I was into the story and wanted to finish it. It's not a great movie, but it's entertaining and has fun sort of classic silly plot-twist ending I liked. Anyone know where I can watch Columbo online by the way?

• Finished Nier: Automata and loved it. So after the main ending, one of the NPCs lets you buy achievements with in-game currency, which I thought was genius and made me question my completionist urges. I looked up some older threads on it and people were predictably angry about it. lol

• That big life change I previously talked about is coming fast and I'm simultaneously excited and nervous. Trying to hurry and get everything done that I need to do.

• We've been talking a bit in tracha about starting a coven for trans witches. What's a good resource for learning wicca stuff? Can I be a real witch if I'm an atheist and skeptical about superstitions but also enjoy ritual stuff as a form of emotional expression?

• What's an obscure piece of pop culture nostalgia you have? When I was a kid, I read these comics called "Ralph Snart Adventures" and still read them. What's something less known that you're into and want to share a bit about it?

::: spoiler fashionposting (mostly about pattern-drafting) So as some of you may know, I've been pretty into learning pattern-drafting for myself lately, and I thought that I could start out with a basic bodice block. For those unaware, a bodice block is essentially a pattern base for garments that go on your top half (bodices, essentially.) When self-drafting patterns for shirts and tops, it's important to have a bodice block that you can trace and then base the pattern off of, and then you make adjustments so that the pattern is unique and fun. For ready-made clothing and also ready-made patterns, the bodice blocks used for pattern-making are fit to standardized sizing measurements. For the home sewist, you can make a bodice block that fits your precise measurements. I'm lucky to be able to pretty comfortably fit "womens" standardized sizing, but this is one of the appeals of pattern-making for many people who don't, as the proportions in standardized sizing absolutely do not map to the diversity of body shapes out there.

The tutorial I used for drafting my bodice block was this one from the Shape of Fabric, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best tutorial especially for a beginner, but oh well I worked it out in the end. There are a lot of bodice block tutorials out there and all of them do things slightly differently, which was the source of about 90% of my frustration with the process; otherwise it was smooth sailing. I started with a bodice block with darts because if you search up "bodice block tutorial" this is what pops up first. If I had gone in with more knowledge, I probably would have gone with a dartless bodice block to start with, because 1. it is easier and 2. it doesn't highlight my curves, which as a transmasc person I'm not the most comfortable with. A dartless bodice block is next in line to be drafted, once I get my sewing machine working (I do not need a sewing machine to do the actual drafting, but I do need it to make a mockup so I can fit the block to myself and make necessary adjustments.)

The block I ended up drafting definitely needs some adjusting — I want to give it more ease and the sleeve part is way too small to comfortably fit around my arm, so I need to increase the armscye length basically. I also made a basic sleeve block to go along with it and I think that needs some adjusting too — it definitely needs to be longer. Other than that, I'm pretty proud of it as my first attempt, and I'll probably keep it around for if I want to draft some more form-fitting garments (though I foresee myself using a dartless bodice block more often because I prefer looser clothes.)

For the difference between "mens" and "womens" bodice blocks (gender is fake, etc etc), men's bodice blocks never have any darts and usually have a much straighter side seam. I want to draft a men's bodice block at some time too, but I feel like I should wait for post-top surgery for that because I would want to draft it to my post-surgery measurements. Honestly the whole "top surgery" thing is a bit annoying to deal with as a sewist, because I know I'll have to redo my bodice blocks after it happens, but it's not going to happen soon enough for me to put off making them until it does.

Thus here are my beginning explorations in pattern-drafting. I know that if I was in some sort of pattern-drafting class, I would be told to start with drafting a skirt instead; but the bodice block was calling to me. I self-drafted a circle skirt in 2022 and it was pretty easy and fun, I love circle skirts and they're an incredibly beginner-friendly sewing project for anyone who's interested in picking up this hobby. The basic pants block is apparently the hardest to fit, but I'm excited to try that at some point too. :::

::: spoiler nightmare body horror Yet another dream where my teeth fall out, or they become loose enough I can just pull a bunch of them out in a chunk like a puzzle piece.
Idk why I dream about this so much, but I’m glad they are still there. :::

Holy shit, it’s Monday again?

i think my cat thinks i am in league with the scary new fan we got recently. especially since i have the power to make it stop rotating when i'm trying to roll a spliff.

::: spoiler umbrella academy and the privileged trans narrative Finished the Umbrella Academy. And while I love a good time travel story, Elliot Paige's character, and how his transition was handled, I found really annoying.

It was all too perfectly liberal. Never gets misgendered or dead named. Family was all on board with zero habitat energy (I can believe a family being this supportive, but even my supportive gf occasionally misgenders me out of habit two months in).

The actual transition was hand waved. And I found it so unbelievable that I kept misgendering the character in my head. Though not Elliot himself.

Broke suspended disbelief for me every time he was on screen. And the whole thing felt like a privileged liberal narrative, rather than representive of trans lives in any meaningful way.

Am I just being a hater? I guess it's pretty mindless TV overall and maybe I shouldn't expect so much from a super hero show. And maybe just be glad for more trans visibility. :::

::: spoiler oh I should probably cw this. Family issues. My dad just made a comment about my hair getting long and honestly idk how to process it. I'm tired of processing things. I just want to be trans, and in an accepting environment.

I don't know he wasn't particularly bad about it or anything, it was something like "So, are you just going to let your hair grow out or what?". My hair is a lot longer then usual (which I'm loving). I don't know how he meant it, I don't want to spend hours thinking about it, I just want to be done. :::

Okay, look, right, I know Fallout 1's interface is a steampunk artdeco clusterfuck, but it's entirely mouse driven and the game is perfect ok. Yes the click & drag logic is absurd, yes pixel hunting for the Colt Rangemaster sucks, but a nuclear age CRPG with a system inspired by GURPS and structure inspired by JRPGs (overworld map w/random encounters -> town maps with NPCs and quests) is absolutely awesome. The combat never stops being fun in a brutal, pitch black kind of way, and the ability for the story to unfurl with whichever portions of it you find first or quests you choose to do is awesome. Fallout 1 is a top five banger okay, and I will not hear slander about it because Interplay dorks in 1997 made a messy wessy of the buttons at 640x480!!!!

I ate a gabapentin recently :3 it would be cool to not have occasional collapses of confidence where anxiety eats me and I have to disappear, I hope this will help.

FINE! I'll undelete. I'M NOT ASHAMED OF BEING HAPPY!

you think I can apply for a job in Shenzhen where I just quality test each batch of vapes? now that's a job I can actually hold down

::: spoiler morbid watching a bunch of old PSAs after thinking about one. ofc this inevitably leads to nuclear war ones from the 80s. and damn, I'd so much rather die in the nuclear blast than the agonising death of irradiation and the bleak post nuclear world. it will not in fact be a whacky world with ghouls, robots, and LARPing legionaries :::

I shouldn't have gotten high before starting the James part of this book

remember when Star Citizen started crowd funding in 2012, over 10 years ago. yeah they've raised about 3 quaters of a billion dollars, and the game still is not done. fam, the people who sunk money into that grift are never getting to play that full game lmao. I honestly wonder how many have died in that decade never seeing a fraction of the game finished

I’m happy with how I look, but why do I still gotta get he/himed. I get why, but it’s annoying.

sex... i could take it or leave it. if you know what it is, i mean...

that's gross, i'm sorry.

::: spoiler nsfw, better mood today About to hop in the shower pre-laser so my asshole doesn't smell.

Glad I took the time to shave everything yesterday. Gf helped with the hard to reach bits.

Looking forward to having less ass and crotch hair. And a bit anxious as this is my first laser session. :::

CW sex

::: spoiler spoiler :cat-with-tie-reading-newspaper:

I should get some sex toys :::

I lost my vestigial tail in 'nam

freaking out about the beach boys again. Van Dyke Parks is such a good lyricist it's wild. read this shit real quick

A diamond necklace played the pawn
Hand in hand some drummed along, oh
To a handsome mannered baton
(Bygone, bygone)

A blind class aristocracy
Back through the opera glass you see
The pit and the pendulum drawn
(Bygone, bygone)

columnated ruins domino
canvas the town and brush the backdrop
are you sleeping, Brother John?

like they really made ozymandias about being in the beach boys

new naruto sequel where he's 45 and he wakes up one day finally realising he's been gay for sasuke the whole time

call it narutwo or something idk

hey uhhh

how do you be nice to yourself? i haven't done that in like a month now and i feel like shit and i think i forgot what self kindness was

::: spoiler Cw: sex

Why isn't bottoming an Olympic sport?

:::

Currently customizing a hoodie which I actually started working on in 2022 when I was first getting into DIY. I'm adding a back patch to cover up the Actual Last Names of People I Went To High School With, plus some random bits and bobs — weird fabric straps, an O-ring or two, idk. I still have the sketch of my rough idea for this hoodie from 2022, and sometimes I look back on that time and feel weirdly nostalgic for my work from it. My DIY skills were much worse back then but honestly I think that gave my old pieces a sort of charm that I wonder if I'm still able to capture, now that I've gotten better at this whole customizing clothes thing.

I also remember when someone once came up to me and asked to take a photo of me in this hoodie because they thought it was so cool, so that's a good memory.

It’s not fun having to just sit around waiting for your epilator to charge because it died halfway through.

i've been incredibly lukewarm on dragon age as a concept for years now, but im getting the fucking slow building interest in the next bioware romantic visual novel again. it'll be interesting to see how they'll make the chuds lose their shit if nothing else, my bet is on TWO transgender characters

::: spoiler internalized transphobia :agony-shivering: I hate randomly thinking of myself as [bad language] holy shit. It's awful, it makes me feel awful, I don't think of anyone else that why so whyyy brain. I stop myself every time and remind myself it's bad, but idk. It still gets me a little bit. :::

:bridget-vibe: I have become too powerful mwahahah

Been a little bit, but my sites got updated with the fall and late summer dresses so I got some new ones to gush about

::: spoiler Dressposting #3 Today's dress is Bramble Rose's Magical Grass Fragrance Garden!

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/f1d67b9e-36d3-4043-983b-067ce2e16738.jpeg

This one is just, utterly stunning. The concept is a pretty typical one, being a garden theme with lots of rose motifs, but I love how they used green ribbons as an accent colour to imply the flower stems instead of sticking with the blue. It adds a lovely sense of naturalism to it that I really like. Plus they actually have colour options if you really want to have it with just the blue or pink, which is really nice.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/2bc7c9ef-fc1e-4926-9153-a3a8cd39d983.jpeg https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/74a7dc99-5ffc-4376-8bc1-ca040c05da1a.jpeg

Personally I prefer it in the blue/green, but the pink/pink is really cute too! I also love its detachable sleeves, they look so poofy and nice, and when they're detached the dress still works incredibly well which is great since a lot of other dresses can sometimes have issues with the sleeves feeling empty without the extensions.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/8e5b7410-7dc5-44c1-bf62-8ac7fefaeb48.jpeg

The dress is also just so incredibly detailed, from the beautiful embroidery to the pearls and differently layered fabrics giving it tons of texture. It looks incredible from up close. I also think this pic shows just how pretty the green and blue looks, particularly on the choker. Like if I could buy just the choker I absolutely would in a heartbeat.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/6c6e9c3d-8946-4967-a451-cd9c054a6d06.jpeg :::

::: spoiler subscriber @Grimm@lemmy.zip

Feelin' weird

Not really "bad" weird, but "ehhh this is unusual" weird

Mental health/meds/booze ::: spoiler spoiler Quit drinking entirely this week and stopped taking St. John's Wort and have felt simultaneously kinda lethargic but also a little hyperactive? Keep getting headaches too but I'm not sure if that's just stress or a detoxing from alcohol thing. Mood's decent all things considered but have felt spacey and kinda depersonalized/derealized, like one hit of "the weed that does nothing enjoyable but kinda gives you a headache instantly." I dunno, feels weird

:::

I opened a big vacuum sealed bag of puffed rice and it tasted funny and i had to put sugar on it :(

Android push notifications from fluffychat all stopped working, randomly, awesome. Why does this thing actually suck?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

And I’m supposed to call people “he/him?”

Might be a good thing I always cheap out on earbuds cause I always lose them

more Nevadaposting

But the self-protectiveness around sex extends to literally every other area of her life. She won’t check the balance of her checking account unless the atm refuses to give her money; she fixates on the possibility of having bedbugs for months before she’ll even lift the mattress and look for eggs. She’s been working at the same job she hates for more than half a decade because she’s afraid to look for another one.

Got sonic cd miracle edition working on my pc

::: spoiler voice dysphoria, probably brainworms too tbh Thinking about my voice just gives me the worst vibes ever. I feel bitter, I feel sad, I feel ruined. I feel resentful and guilty for feeling that way. I knew when my voice started changing I didn't like it, but always hoped I'd grow to like it. That hasn't happened and never will. I have to painstakingly change it to sound okay. Because of how my dysphoria is and all the layers to it I really don't see me ever getting a truly good voice.

I feel numb, in a sad kinda way. ::: spoiler eating issues I'm not going to pro ana post because its bad (I honestly don't really know why what I'm doing is bad but whatever) and I don't want to get banned. But I have eaten one meal and two cookies in the last 36 hours. Next meal is in four hours. My pain is numbed. :::

Skipping past a baddie and running into a screen door.

Morticia and Gomez Adams are a transfeme transmasc couple. I decided it just now

::: spoiler gf update and sex stuff We found some middle ground last night. Cuddled and slept together. Cuddled some more this morning and made out.

Taking sex slow so we both can feel safe and understand our needs better. We've both been caught in heterosexual patriarchal normatives around sex and neither of us have really found satisfaction in it.

She's not ace. She was getting turned on this morning. But we pendulated and both want to take it slow so that we don't fall into old habits.

My libido is a lot more manageable too. Third week of sub-c HRT. Morning erections are softer and less insistent. Holding space for us to make out this morning without my habit energy and hormones being pushy was nice too. :::

Trans mega stay winning

I am so happy I'm actually tearing up a little bit. Being trans rocks, so excited to keep going. And to think I've barely started! So many things to try and love!

Always wanted to play ff14 but it seems pretty daunting to get into and I don't know anyone who plays it :/

::: spoiler grumbling about shit so, I said earlier we're close to a formal offer on one place. but one of the big reasons I even picked that place was how close it is to commute for my wife, aaaand now she's going on about wanting a new job in the city to use her degree. which like ok, I get that and it is a good idea outside of this situation; it's just also we're supposed to be moving soon and have a deadline to get shit sorted out, why add more chaos and unknowns to a situation that needs bedrocks?

I don't fault her for wanting to leave her job, but the gripes really are the kinda shit you get at every job 'the management couldn't run a tap' 'this one particular manager is annoying' 'this guy grinds my gears sometimes' that kinda stuff. it's her first job so like I am being supportive with these issues she has, but also easing her into this really is what it's like fucking everywhere you work, and there's a grass is greener on the other side mentality to saying fuck this place I'll go somewhere else. I will 100% support her in the search for a new job, and in terms of getting into the flow of a new workplace, I love her and will always do whatever I can to support that. it's just... do we need that right now with a 2 month deadline over us? I'm no angry with her, more just confused and mildly exhausted with the whole process

I found another 20 places to send off applications too with much better general train access. it's just, this search has been gruling, we're like 90% of the way there on this one place, and now that might be up in the air not due to landlords or estate agents this time. blegh :::

When I’m too lazy to read a book I come here, search up the author’s name and wait for the website to tell me if they suck or if they’re good. I am replacing my brain with the hex bear 😀