Pro-tip I wish I knew earlier: If you don't like your gender you can just leave it.

Just thinking today about how trans people have been more friendly and helpful to me than my own flesh and blood family has ever been. Imagine being a transphobe and punching down on people that have beautiful hearts. Couldn't be me (plus kill all transphobes).

I couldn't get a trans flag in my name, so I got five seven pronouns instead.

Pronoun maxxing.

i feel like a she/they except that i actually don't like they/them pronouns and this will never make sense to the cishets

::: spoiler titty talk holy fuck it's been like 7 weeks on E and I already have small tits. these are not "i'm just amab and chubby" these are TITS. they have the shape and the breast tissue and the sensitive nipples i have tits already and they're growing by the week holy FUCK :::

yeag im definitely a girl thing

down with cis

I know it's a dead end but some days more than others I really resent that I wasnt just born a cis girl. Like I know I've felt this way for so long. Like since I was a kid. But it really does just kinda suck. I like being trans for sure though it's just.. it's so much work and I feel like I missed so much

i know this is old news but she is SO precious to me

Just celebrated 1 year on E last week by getting myself some beautiful boots and getting a bunch of (mostly) trans friends together for dinner. First time I have ever felt like I was part of a community. It made me so happy, ya’ll.

I love how a discussion post on i saw the tv glow can hit the front page of this website, god the culture here fucks so hard

What are the chances FromSoft is brave enough to make Miquella actually trans, instead doing the weird "trans in every way that matters, but not trans"-trope again?

Today was a fairly rough day for me. Haven't had this rough of one in quite a while.

::: spoiler Misgendering and dysphoria I got misgendered for the first time in roughly 9 or 10 months today. The worst part is is that it was one of my wives that misgendered me. It was an obvious mistake as I wasn't even in the room nor talking to her and she was playing with her dog, but holy fuck did it sting. It sent me into a rabbit hole of dysphoria that I haven't felt in an extremely long time. It's been made significantly worse by the fact that it was one of my wives that did it. Still reeling from it. Just find myself staring off into space ready to cry out of the blue. I hate this feeling and hope it goes away soon. :::

::: spoiler talking about dysphoria? Dysphoria has definitely become like a background noise kind of thing lately. Constant, but low intensity. It feels a little wierd to say it but this is so much better then the random spikes between "I'm completely fine" and "holy shit I'm dying".

Has this happened to any of you? is this a sign I'm cis :::

I can't wrap my mind around someone being wierd about a trans person being a lesbian. Like who wouldn't want to be femme and date femme people?? That seems natural to me. I can't understand why someone would want something else. So you like how women look but don't want to look that way yourself? Oookay.

Doing voice lessons while driving around for work is like being paid to trans my gender.

Might have been "yes ma'am'd" by someone for the first time since starting HRT? Funnily was someone whose known me since before I started. Pretty sure they were just used to reacting to my boss though. Also I didn't hear it, but just overheard someone else pointing out they said "yes ma'am". Anyways, all honorifics are all unwanted, so not something I'm exactly happy about. At least I don't think I've been "yes sir'd" this summer and only "mister'd" by like one person.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I FIGURED IT OUT!!! TRANS FLAG IN NAME

being trans feels like i'm the child in a divine custody battle between Mars and Venus

So my visit went great. That clinic is incredible and the Dr was amazing. It was overwhelmingly queer hahaha. Several different pride flags were hug up, and the fence outside was painted in pride colors.

They also run a tight ship. Which was great since I was extremely anxious. I had to be buzzed in, they had a strict no phones out in the lobby policy, and I'm guessing the appointments are staggered because I didn't see any other patient there. Though I could hear other patients come and go from other exam rooms. They even had a separate, secluded parking area and entrance from the rest of the medical building complex thing they are attached too.

I did the usual front counter check in stuff, then I was immediately taken to an exam room to wait. All of the staff introduced themselves with pronouns, and they were so nice. All in all 10/10 worth the wait.

I should post more often. I still have unbearable posting anxiety so maybe if I challenge myself to make one post a day here, I'll actually follow through. My therapist wants me to journal more and this counts, right?

In other news, I go to the HRT Dr in 48 hours. It's a bit of a drive from my house, but it's a trans/NB owned clinic that employs nothing but trans/NB people. It's taken 4 months to get an appointment, but the day is nearly here.

Pride coinciding with the southern hemisphere's darkest mouths means myself and everyone i care about is really going through it right now. Yay

wtf it happened again? Some guy at work called me "ma'am" before taking a closer look at my name tag. This is like 2 weeks after some other person had to ask my pronouns?. I guess I'm more androgynous than I thought? I've barely done anything to "transition" and I'm closeted at work, but apparently I'm making some subconscious progress?

oh how many years of my life i wasted not being on E, this is the best thing I've ever done for myself

All my friends are complimenting how much I am improving at doing my makeup. Really feels affirming, as I only see what I can do better.

::: spoiler talking about my tits again for the 215,752nd time: oh my fucking god i have very small tits now. it's been like 6 weeks on E I genuinely didn't think it would happen this fast but they are sore and kind of itchy and visibly growing holy fuck

unrelated to my tits but my roommate said she even noticed my facial fat start to redistribute as well and while i don't think i look any more feminine just yet I swear I do look a little different now :::

Took my first e shot saturday and I'm feeling great so far, though I do get that it will take awhile before I really start to notice anything. Next step is getting my body hair under control.

I got my septum pierced it looks so cuteeeeee

Not even out of the house today and already feel like crap. Got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, instantly crushed with the dysphoria hammer.

Determined to make it to pride but the outfit I had saved for today is gonna haveta wait for another day when I can bear to look at myself.

The day has finally arrived. I'll have to leave soon since it's almost two hours by car to get there. Even with the distance, I'm still incredibly grateful to hav a clinic like this close enough to drive to.

Dongers out for the megathread

just got all my trans girl essentials in the mail: Skirt, panties, bralette, IPL, Julia Serrano literature, cute tank tops, the works

::: spoiler Mild dysphoria I'm very happy about and grateful for my transition so far, but I wish I could just get ALL the feminization right now and not have to wait for like two years. It so loooong

:::

TRANGONDER FACTS: trans women's hair is not naturally blue, actually. if you see a trans woman with blue hair, it's actually colored from all of the blue E pills she's been taking

I'm coming out to my brother (who I'm staying with) tonight and I have no idea how it's gonna go. Wish me luck.

posting in the PP waiting room

I bought a couple cute trans pride enamel pins to put in my hat. Also got a couple of demi/ace pride pins for my hubby as a surprise. I got my meds today as well.

Might fuck around and go to pride for the first time this year

::: spoiler CW: Dysphoria

Depression and gender dysphoria is such an shitty cycle. No energy to shave because I look like an ugly boy, can't stop looking like an ugly boy without shaving all the shit on my face. :::

Not doing great this week. Hopeful next week will be better. All the comments here at least make me feel not alone :) hope you are doing great!

i have too much pride

when is shame month...

::: spoiler negativity about being trans, fears of transphobia I am just so, so scared of being trans. It can't be. I'm terrified. More scared then I've ever been before.

This is going to be so hard. People aren't going to understand. They'll hate me. They'll descriminate against me. They'll see me as some nasty pervert. With America getting more mask off by the day, am I going to even have care in the future? Why would they do that to me. Why are grown adults so awful. ::: ::: spoiler dysphoria I'm huge. I'm tall and fat. It'll be obvious to everyone who I really am. I feel like an imposter. A fake. A wolf in sheeps clothes. That's how people will see me too. ::: ::: spoiler si I'd rather kill myself then be someone I hate being. Oh god that's a really trans thought. Am I really trans hexbear. Please tell me this is a bad dream. I'm going to wake up and be cis. I'm going to be happy with who I am and not want to be a girl. The nightmare is going to end. ::: Sorry for making this all about me I know my fears of bad things happening aren't as important as the actual bad things that have actually happened to all of you.

shit i combusted in my magic flight launch box fuck

now i'm way higher than i planned to be because i had to ghost the smoke so it wouldn't stink up the whole stinkin' house and i'm reading hvac medical research papers about how odorant particles disperse based on room pressure. the taste of this pineapple hi-chew is making me feel like i've done dxm

anyway i was hiking the other day and came across these beetles i haven't seen before getting freaky on a reishi mushroom, which they also call hemlock varnish shelf around here. the dust on it is s p o r e s

looked up the beetles when i got home and get this: "pleasing fungus beetles." that's what they're called.

are you kidding me

who comes up with this stuff?

Went for a run and started weightlifting again today.

People always said that my nipples would hurt like shit, but for now it's a solid 1/10. I still sleep on my stomach, which I thought I would have to stop. I like touching my chest, cause it's tangible change and progress.

who the fuck invented body hair this stuff fucking sucks

need to redistibute the stolen wealth of the global north like i need to redistribute this fat from my waist to my ass

i feel like girl rotting today, which is weird because i never had the urge or feeling of doing that before starting HRT. progress I guess?

Just asked two more of my male friends if they'd press The Button and they said yes lmao

I can feel myself withering. I'm only like a month removed from heavy psychic damage due to [freakish queer book], and already I feel I will waste away if I do not engage in something fucking gay.

I snuck up on wifey and pulled her into a long, deep kiss, very nice. However I think I need to read some gay shit too...

I seem to have contracted the trans mind virus 😔 you might need to get tested.

Having incredible health anxiety. I unfortunately contracted symptomatic genital hpv, and I can't like relax or anything. I am deathly afraid of spreading it all over my body (I know this is unlikely). I am constantly convincing myself that I am getting warts here or there, it's really driving me insane :(. Now I'm convincing myself I am having a mouth herpes outbreak because my lip in one part is very very slightly red. I wish my brain wasn't like this. I wish I could just relax -.-

My party got a table at the local non-corporate pride thing in our city, and I'm excited but also pretty worried. Last year one of the communist orgs got their table trashed by anarchists and the "anti-tankie" sentiment here can have real consequences. I hope me and my queer comrades bringing lots of water and vegan snacks appeases them.

Hello everyone!!! I hope everyone will have a great week, and a happy pride!!! Much love 🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

I found space for another pronoun, but I'm not really sure I like any of the other options

ATTENTION: Skirt go spinny. That is all.

::: spoiler sad posting Been away a while. Things are not going very well for me, sadly. Pride festivals were not what I had hoped they would be community-wise and my relationship is increasingly strained.

I'm not really able to see a happy future for myself at this point. :::

Hope everyone else is having a great pride month! You have so much to be proud of, being your authentic self

need to make some more actual transition steps today. still so many options as to what to do and it's all so overwhelming. i think i'm going to try and get a therapist again. they've never really worked for me in the past but maybe one who specializes in dealing with trans people might help me get a coherent transition plan forward or something. or maybe not i just really need someone to talk to

I wish I could just jump forward 10 years and have already worked through all this hard stuff. But no I gotta slog through it and barely make any progress ever.

lets get this baby up to 500

I have been feeling much better the last few days, depression wise. I hope it stays that way for a bit, I kinda forgot how it felt to not be depressed. Didn't really change anything about my sourrundings, so I hope it's actually the hormones helping.

I also am enjoying voice training, it's fun, and I always liked playing with my voice. When I was a child I could imitate other people, maybe I'll get there again. I also have been making progress with it, I am getting higher than I was two weeks ago.

I have been wondering about the emotional effects of HRT everyone has ben talking about, because it's been 2 months, and either I haven't noticed the changes, or they are too subtle to be perceived by me. I feel very much the same, and still also very much in control of my emotions. Except in extraordinary circumstances(lack of sleep, lack of food, etc). I did put in a lot of effort into my emotional control over the years, since it used to be quite bad, but I thought I would still feel something.

What concretly do people mean, when they talk about "emotional effects"?

I have noticed some physical changes though, so it is working in some regards.

When I was a (very cis) teen I was constantly daydreaming about being a streamer girl and I even had a username planned and everything. I grew out of my desire to be a streamer (thank god), but at least I'm doing better at the "girl" part of it than I ever thought I would.

::: spoiler ever so slightly nsfw I wanna remove all the fuckin pubic hair I have. Is it weird that I don't mind having fluff on my calves or underarms, but anything in the crotch area needs to go NOW??? Because I haven't shaved anything else since I posted about it months ago, and yet.

My wife keeps saying, No Ash, don't try to epilate your junk, it'll hurt! And I'm like yeah, and I'll probably get welts and shit. But what if I just do it anyway???? Razors do not get me perfectly smooth, and you're not supposed to use Nair skrrrt... :::

thoughts on going to an all ages outdoor general pride event wearing pasties and a sheer/mesh top? if it wasn't clear the concern are the children or whatever

would it be a bad idea to get a bird feeder or 4 for my balcony if there's the bird flu thing going around? ty.....

Does anyone know about HRT in Cuba? All I can find is that it's free, there's a DIY scene, and there are government shortages. I want to know if the age of puberty is equal, whether you need real-life hazing, etc.

Edit: OK I did a pretty thorough search of Cuban websites and online scientific journals. I don't think this information exists online. Damn you Cubans! Stop touching grass!!

So what's a normal dose for Estradiol Valerate? I feel like they gave me a pretty high dose? Either way letsssss gooooooooooo! I have to wait until tomorrow to get it but I'm already so excited.

Very annoying that I can't shave my legs, cause it's too irritating, and also can't use IPL, because my hair is too bright for it to work. I guess I'll have to live with long pants for now, and practice body positivity.

::: spoiler sadposting, depersonalization, discussion of trauma I’ve been feeling very… out of it. Kind of untethered to reality. And that reality includes friends who care about me, it even includes the funny bear website (hence why I haven’t been posting.) Part of it is the fact that I got way hyperfixated, and I turned to that hyperfixation to take my mind off of some shitty life circumstances, but now I don’t know how to pull myself back. Looking in the mirror is so weird because I don’t feel like I’m looking at myself in it, whoever “myself” is; even more than usual. I don’t feel like I’m looking at a real person. Part of me honestly wants to sink into my hyperfixations forever and just drift away from reality and completely into my own mind, but like, I can’t do that. Doesn’t help that I just went through something kind of traumatic and I have no idea how to process it. :::

::: spoiler needlessly gross taking hormones and washing them down with gatorade so i lactate blue :::

i only ever have 2 moods anymore:

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I HATE EVERYTHING MANISH ABOUT ME I HATE LOOKING ANYTHING LIKE A MAN THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i look like a man? idk that's kind of not the vibe i'm going for but okay i guess

I just hit PMS for the first time after starting a new SSRI. Holy fuck are the symptoms like 10x worse than they ever have been. And considering I have PMDD, you can imagine how fucking bad it is. I feel like I'm one minor issue away from absolutely losing my mind. This shit is not fun. In fact, it's making me contemplate secluding myself for the next 4-5 days, which I can't do cause my mousy wife's birthday is in a couple days.

Settling into my new place and enjoying our backyard that the previous tenants turned into a little veggie field.

Put myself together a cute little gardening outfit from the clearance aisle (jeans were too short but otherwise perfect). My partner was gassing me up and even I sorta thought i looked cute despite not shaving for a few days.

Unfortunately my back is a fuck and I can't work for longer than an hour or two.

::: spoiler dysphoria talk The outfit was really super cute but god I'm realizing exactly how fucking much i hate my shoulders and my upper body in general. I think it's partially because I have such messed up posture, my upper body is just so fucking wide I can't stand it.

Also the lower half of my face is too goddamn wide. I think from a distance or in the mirror it's not too bad but seeing myself in photos i feel so shitty, I think it's making me really want to try for FFS asap, but I can't afford to take time off to heal so It's not really accessible until I get sorta financially stable. :::

---

The silver lining is that my eyes and lashes are so goddamn pretty actually. When I have my bangs properly styled I really like my face from the nose up. It's the one thing keeping me going right now.

i'll probably make a post about this but does anyone know if it's ok to take 200mg prog (suppository) every other day, the aim being an effective dose of 100mg/day? my drug intuition says it would be fine but i know hormones can be weird compared to other drugs so i wanted to get an opinion, and it's not like i have access to an endo lol

i got to go to bed. i got my first HRT follow up in just a day and a half now and i have to tell them how nice estrogen makes me feel

::: spoiler spoiler cut my nipple shaving my chest earlier today and oh FUCK that hurts :::

GOOD mega I've been checking it all week 💜

Did not expect my skin to become this red and irritated from electrolysis 😣 Ouch

I have an announcement to make

Fishmonger is good but not as good as Wallsocket

Retvrn to Wallsocket

Thank u for ur time

Eu4 nations forming coalition after one italian povince is taken is so beautiful, everypne standing up against italianophobia.

::: spoiler cw weirdass weight related thoughts I have lost nearly 20lbs since I lost my job, which is weird ish. The amount of physical activity I do went down considerably, but I guess my intake of food has gone down to match... where did those 20lbs go, though? My ass and thighs are still massive, (nice) I still have a lil bit of squish on my midriff, (cute) no noticeable loss of weight and yet... Did I just lose a considerable % of my body weight with no visible change? How does that work? Did I unlock this HRT black magic after being on it so long??? :::

Finally told my therapist about my ✨ gender feelings ✨ overall it went pretty well, not as bad as I feared (nothing ever is). He wants me to try things to see how I like it (although it kinda sounded like he wanted me to try more masc things but whatever). He also was kinda weird about me being attracted to women, and said that most of his trans clients are straight or bi, which seems odd to me but he did say some trans fems like women and that's fine and all that. But anyway the rest of it was good, a bit hard to catch up on everything and properly impress upon someone how I'm feeling when how I'm feeling changes all the time.

He did say that he felt like I never liked/cared about myself which is painfully true. But yea, I guess we'll see. It was really hard explaining myself when I don't even know what my goals are >.<

Edit: I know telling them seems like something you should just be able to do but I'd been really struggling to tell anyone so this is kinda big for me :ohnoes:

5 hours of sleep, whyyyy.

Anyways you did it! 500

500

i saw the tv glow live rn

I am currently feeling two things. I am terrified to tell anyone being a man doesn't feel right and I wish I was a woman.

And also am I actually trans 🤔

How can these coexist.

I don't know who posted about the comic "Us" a few days ago. I think it was @ashinadash@hexbear.net.

Anyway, thanks for making me aware of it. I finished it this morning. It's sooooo cute and sooooo good. Also my husband started reading it yesterday. There are a few panels that honestly could have been written by him, about him. Especially the whole part about wrestling with ones sexuality and eventually landing on demisexual.

oh wow my skin does feel a little softer now

500+

so when the IPL makes your skin feel a little "pop", that means it's working, right?

I was gazing at my copy of Resident Evil: Code Veronica X again, before going "oh fucking yeah" and ejecting it from my mind. Does anybody else find it kind of strange that games or movies or Idk, books? will just randomly have vicious transphobia that nobody mentions? Ever read the horrible "transvestite" bit in Breakfast of Champions? Code Veronica has sat on my shelf for a decade and it was only due to somebody's Sloptube analysis that I found out it has the usual psychosexual totally-not-a-transfemme "smth wrong with her <3" villain in. A couple times now I've stumbled onto shit like this in random media and I'm like, damb, the wokeism cabal should mandate all media to have content warnings, by law. With their big strong leather boots.

soon the fun round number will be upon us

TRANSITION GOALS

Dear @Thallo@hexbear.net , hi! I read Us by Sara Soler based on your rec based on my rec, glad you enjoyed it and I did too.

::: spoiler lets fucking goooooo When I was reading it, I was not "wondering why we want to spill our guts", who fucking wouldn't, isn't that the entire point of talking? One of the things I realised reading it though, was that regarding coming out/early transition stuff, I was/am so fucking blackpilled. Maybe I need to examine that, I wonder if I have personal trauma around the whole coming out thing somewhere? It could just be that the entire experience of yelling at people and throwing coffee and shit at age 16 was traumatic in itself, Idk. I am gonna fucking Adjust My Posting around this realisation right the fuck now, though. Exposure therapy time, brb boutta take the bloomer pill.

Part of it is also like, the trans-coming-out is an automatic freebie offer for max sympathy, to my brain anybody coming out as trans is a lovely smol bean who should be defended at all costs from cisnormative society and I will want to kill their entire family in minecraft if they don't fuckin fall in line. Plus, a lot of the coming-out-early-transition stories are fucking suffering pits, so there's that too. Imagine my shock that Us is actually pleasant and affirming and cool! (I was recommended it on this basis)

Diana and Sara are just cute really, I don't think stockings are as hard to get into as Diana makes em out to be, but the scene is cute, and the whole book is like that. I love to see a coming-out story that mostly just involves a loving partner helping her girlfriend slowly poke her way out of the closet. I was like, first time skirts, makeup, oh yeah I member. Sure any relationship that survives a transition has to be rad as fuck.

I was surprised that I kind of liked Sara as much as Diana if not more, though? She is a dopey cissie but she's great actually, "FUCK THAT! THE FUCK KINDA BULLSHIT IS THAT?!" is an awesome moment that tells you early on this is gonna be cool. Plus Us has the bit where trans people are occasionally inadvertent fuckin SOCIAL AGITATORS (or very advertent agitators, watch out) and sometimes cause "cis" "het" people to question their shit and realise or become considerably funnier genders or sexualities. I think that's cute, mood.

This has been good for me, I've needed to decompress from [ridiculous absurd book you've nevet heard of that couldn't possibly exist] for a long time, and Us was that for me. It could even be a good one to throw at cis people you know, I think. Happy to have enjoyed it ❤

Us pairs well with: Wallsocket by Underscores (like most things) Reddishness by Girls Rituals ULTRA PARADISE by Angel Electronics :::

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