hello trans people of hexbear.net

yesterday i have taken my 4th shot of estrogen :)

Every single thread that talks about misogyny on hexbear becomes a cesspit of “enlightened centrists” on fucking gendered oppression. Ugh.

Happy Monday!

just saw i saw the tv glow. the best trans movie i've ever seen, never felt more seen by a movie. sitting in the theater as the credits roll and just crying because that could have been me

effort post coming later, genuinely mandatory viewing if you're transfem or questioning

You don't understand, ma'am - I NEED those headpets!! I deserve it! But that also doesn't mean I'm unwilling to debase myself by draping myself all over you, headbutting you, making dumb little gay sounds, so on. And I'll make autistic little "mya" sounds when I get the headpets!! I'll be very satisfied and luxuriating in the head attention! It might put me to sleep, and I'll be in bliss, that shit's just like pure dopamine to me. Might end up becoming scritches or cuddles as well, I will lay across your lap or be little spoon. I'll be gay and affectionate, a complete lesbian simp. I desire and require headpets, miss, surely you understand.

Had the greatest thing happen to me today. So I had to get a procedure done by one of my surgeons today. Had to get there early this morning. So it took a while to get called back to get ready but I had an extremely affirming thing happen to me once I got back. The second I got back, I got asked if i had given a urine sample yet. I answered no and asked why. The following conversation took place.

Nurse: It is a urine sample for a pregnancy test.

Me: Oh. That’s fair. I’m definitely not pregnant though.

Nurse: We have to do this. All women must take a pregnancy test just in case. (I assume it was for anesthesia or something)

Me: I promise you. I can’t get pregnant. It is not possible.

Nurse : *visibly confused*

Me: I don’t have a uterus, so I can’t

Nurse: I see. When did you have it removed?

Me: I never had one. I’m trans.

At this point you can see the light bulb flicker on and she stammers a little. I told her not to worry cause it kinda made my day. I then proceeded to not be asked again, lol. Sometimes it’s the little things that happen that make one feel great. I never knew I passed so well, but when you have a nurse insisting on a pregnancy test, well yeah, ya pass ya dingus. Lmao.

getting hrt on monday finally, but in the mean time why the fuck does my voice sound the way it does oh shit oh fuck

i hate that never speaking again feels preferable rn

Saw the new philosophy tube. Abigail did a boy voice very very poorly. I laughed and chuckled and then thought... hang on did I lose my fucking boy voice too???

And I tried... and I did apparently. Now I sound like a girl doing a boy voice very poorly. Wtf???

Mood swings are crazy honestly last night I was like "AHHHHH I'm gonna give up I'm gonna detransition I can't do this" and this morning I'm like hmm I look really cute I'm def trans what was I thinking

Shoutout Dr. Girlfriend for giving me the confidence to speak with my half a pack a day voice <3

down with cis

I just realized today that it’s almost Pride Month… I wish I was more excited for it tbh but I won’t be able to go to any of the Pride events because none are COVID-safe so I don’t really have much to look forward to.

Hello everyone, I hope yous are all having (and will have) a great week, much love as always!!! 🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

Bit of a less serious worry than usual, but I keep wanting to finish that fashion effortpost that I have drafted up to post here but I keep procrastinating it. It's mostly since I worry my advice isn't actually that helpful or good since I'm still very new to this. But I still want to get that post done sometime soon since I find fashion really exciting now that I've started to actually present femme and I feel like it would still help at least a few people here to read.

a bit of a vent post

really sad because me and my two gfs' expensive and lengthy attempt to move to a better country has completely failed. the most frustrating part is that we have the means in theory to make it happen. but as I feared we faced so much discrimination for being an unconventional family (landlords don't see us as a family unit, just 3 "friends") and being disabled and so not having work or education lined up in the new country has proven to be a deal breaker. just feeling trapped here atp and actually looking forward to being back in our shitty apartment at home that we all hate because at least it's familiar and waking up in this temporary accommodation in the new country for the last couple weeks has just felt like a cruel reminder of our failure.

Thinking of asking a friend to use they/them :ohnoes: I was so amped up about it last night but now I'm not so sure. They belong to a kind of conservative branch of Christianity and I don't know how they feel about trans people.

I've never done this and eventually I'm going to have to do it with everyone in my life :ohnoes:

The contradiction between thinking being socially expected to voice train is bad and wanting to voice train because it makes me sad

got to go back to the pharmacy to ask for more estrogen again this week . not looking forward to that one

today's fun t girl emotion: the big sad

::: spoiler dysphoria, worries about transitioning, hopelessness I can't believe how long it would take me to look good. And that's if I start now, which I probably won't. It just kinda hurts that I'll never be a young woman, you know?

And that's if I try really hard on my voice and makeup. I don't try hard on anything :cri: maybe it's not worth it. Maybe nothing is worth it. :::

Internal frown every time I select "male" in those job application voluntary disclosures. Technically I know the answer isn't supposed to affect your application but I can't shake the feeling that it does, and I don't want people to think I'm lying for diversity points

The emotional changes are getting really exhausting. Think I've cried more this past week than I did in the entirety of 2023

::: spoiler Face dysphoria The dysphoria is so much more intense now as well, especially regarding the things hrt can't fix like my awful brow bone. I really didn't think it would get this bad, I almost had a panic attack last night because of it :( :::

>sneeze

>sounds masc

Is it joever for me?

Had a magical weekend and feeling ready for this one. Hope you all are doing great!

::: spoiler absolutely horrendous bottom surgery joke i want to get an orchiectomy but i don't think i have the balls to do it :::

Just came out to my younger sisters, three days after coming out to my brothers and nibling.

Told my sisters over an hour ago... Neither of them have messaged me back yet.....

You know that scene in the Matrix where Neo gets told that the trick is that there is no spoon? That spoon stands for gender and you can make it do the wobbly thing.

Just thinking about how I've never felt comfortable without a shirt on. Any time I've ever gone to a pool I'm always wearing a shirt. Going shirtless as a guy just feels wrong. Like I shouldn't let people see me like that.

I wonder if I'll ever feel comfortable in less than guy shorts and a t shirt. I feel like I'd like to, there are so many cute outfits :sicko-wistful: but I don't know.

I'm definitely an egg of some sort.

I'm a fucking Easter egg; everyone can see it a mile away, at this point.

big news, people!

my gender is still trans. that is all.

In the last two weeks I've started to see more trans youtubers (video essays are my slop) referencing Whipping Girl and transmisogyny, lets goooo.

Why is diy hrt so expensive :(

I want to do it but I already have a lot of student debt and idk if it’s worth it to go into more debt for hrt

I've been reading through trans reddit and ::: spoiler dysphoria/puberty/sad posting Holy fuck I wonder how different things would be if I grew up differently. Would I have realized in time? Would I have gone through male puberty? I'm so sad right now at the thought. I can barely type this out. Things could have been different. I'd have a better voice. I wouldn't be this disgusting over grown man. I'd have gotten to be a young woman. I'd look good right now. Maybe I'd even be dating someone. I could be living my best life. What would that depression as a teen have looked like? Did my gender have more of an effect on it then I ever would have thought at the time? Would I be beautiful right now? It just hurts so much.

If nothing else maybe my head wouldn't be full of worms about being trans. :::

Finally told some of my family members I'm trans, hoping I can tell my sisters and then Parents soon.

::: spoiler Frustration with clothes I'm so tired of always wearing the same boring black hoodie with jeans when I go outside, and it's so uncomfortable in the summer heat! I just want to wear a cute dress instead. Maybe I'll find the courage to do it next year :::

Interesting interaction with stepmom yesterday. She trimmed my hair and when she finished asked if she could braid the top. Later, it was brought up and I mentioned my sister and her friend braid my wig's hair for a costume I wore like 7 months ago and my step mom was like "Are you trying to tell us something?" (they didn't know I had cosplayed as a girl character until recently, when I brought it up as a way of trying to say something but then chickened out; this time I just brought it up because it was relevant). My cousin was immediately just like "Walrus was just cosplaying" but my stepmom was like "let Walrus answer." I gave a timid "maybe" and the topic was dropped.

So, I think step-mom clearly suspected I'm trans and I wasn't just imagining that. She asked if I was a woman 1.5 years ago, which I said "no" since I consider myself an NB (this question came up in the middle of my mom going on an enbiphobic rant) but she hadn't said anything directly about the topic since but like... also seemed to occasionally be poking in that direction ever since. I guess I'm sorta out to her now? Mom was there and totally ignored the conversation (similar to the other week when we visited).

And I'm wondering again if my cousin still doesn't think I'm trans or if he was just trying to give me cover in case I didn't want to talk about it. I guess no one has explicitly said I'm trans in front of him while he was listening and sober? But between discussion of names (I still use birthname), pronouns, dislike of certain masculine terms (man, uncle, etc), presenting in fem ways at times, and taking HRT, I'd think he'd figure it out anyways.

My transition has been going better than I could have thought, I've had some bad experiences at previous jobs and my current coworkers really surprised me for the better.

I've been thinking about the shit people say about how there didn't use to be so many trans people (and that it's somehow not transphobic to think this is really concerning and dangerous). Did they say the same thing about gay people when they started becoming more visible as well?

Happiness is having really impressively thicc thighs. Thighs big enough to throw off your proportions a bit, thighs of great strength.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster recently without testosterone and the last couple weeks was the worst, ending up crying in the middle of class for no reason, but things are looking up.

New Black Dresses album fucks, surprising literally nobody

Yesterday I felt like my face could never pass, but earlier today I saw pictures of other trans women with similar facial features passing just fine, and now my face kinda looks like it passes, somehow...

My issue might be more mental than physical. I think my self-perception is just really easily influenced, because all it would take is one bad selfie to make me start feeling like shit again. Another problem is that I haven't been able to fully let go of the old associations I have, since my face hasn't changed that much.

I was digging through my digital library and I realised I can't name a single novel with a nonbinary transfem protag. I can name several that have ✨ uncertain definition ✨ en bees, or nonbinary transmascs, but where my fem enbees at??? If you have any cool books I could plug this gaping hole with, pls hmu and I will penicl stuff in.

there are 4 transfem people i know irl who i also follow on letterboxd. all 5 of us saw i saw the tv glow in the past week, and all 5 of us added it to our letterboxd top 4

Did way too much today. Wanted to go out and hit up a couple bookstores. I did, but I payed for it…again. So sore and worn out. I really oughtta stop doing this to myself.

I have been thinking a lot about gender(rereading feinberg, and watching the judith butler video by philosophy tube helped), because well, women in my personal life are not "femme".

Noone uses makeup, clothes are generally treated as unisex(I and my family generally used to share clothes, everyone wore pants though), and hair is mostly short (at least for the cis women) for maintencae reasons.

So I have been saying that I want to be femme, but if I followed familliar examples, it would mean dressing as usual.

When I first told them why my hair was so important to me, the answer was: "But you know that long hair does not make a women, so why care so much?"

To which I don't have an answer except: "I like my hair". Which, is enough for me and my sourrundings.

Anyway, I deeply don't get gender really. Is the result of me thinking really hard, I know that I know nothing. I am mostly acting based on vibes, doing what feels right, and not orienting myself through social conventions(that train has left a long time ago anyway).

Channelled the Divine Feminine of Housechores or whatever to sew a giant rip in the seat of my sleep pants back together. Visually it's atrocious, mother would be ashamed of me, but if it survives a wash it's a goodun and I'll feel like I'm being a good wife for my wife

::: spoiler Dysphoria Wish I could go outside without comparing myself to every cis woman my age. Feels so fucking bad :( :::

Went out fully femme in a non-school context for the first time. I was planning on doing it with a friend but they were really busy so I just bit the bullet and did it alone. I think it was a bit too much all at once though, it was really overwhelming and my heart was beating out of my chest the entire time till I got home. I'm proud of myelf for doing it and glad that I did though. I even got complimented on my outfit by some other trans people at the store I went to!

Clothing dept did not have more of the cute women's boxers I was looking for. Am in shambles rn

::: spoiler cw: internalized transphobia Vacillating between loving that I'm trans and hating that I'm trans. I've been keeping it close to my chest because it feels like uncertainty, but my wife called me out yesterday saying that it sounds like I already know and just don't want to accept it.

Looking for in person support groups to feel like I belong somewhere again. :::

Hoping for a time where I can love myself finally 💜

takes big gulp of the old fashioned i made with Looking Back At Childhood/Adolescent Memories Juice instead of whiskey

damn... i never had heterosexual thoughts about women, these were always gay thoughts wtf

My biggest problem with buying fem clothes is that when I get home from work all I want to do is put on pajamas and lay around. So I have few pairs of leggings and comfy cute night shirts. But that's not "going out" clothes. And even then, I'm too afraid to go into my own backyard in leggings and a cute shirt.

I did wear leggings and a cute top to one of my therapy sessions because my therapist recommended it, but the anxiety nearly killed me.

Just watched I Saw The TV Glow, is very good and very trans. Be prepared to be uncomfy watching though!

Chat I promise I won't liveblog about this, but I gotta say nothing beats the feeling of cracking the spine on some trans litfic and getting blasted in the face with cool, weird or just unfamiliar stuff. The stone-blunt first chapter is a genre hallmark, really.

helo yes how do you do fellow trans women, i sure do love and enjoy taking my e hormone known as uhhh...

need to go to girl sleep in my girl bed and have girl dreams. goodnight little trans people in my computer

I got told today by my endo that I likely have PMDD (Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder). Considering there’s not a ton of research on the matter, he says it’s hard to say for certain if that’s the case, but will be treating it as such. Hoping that it can be diminished somewhat cause it is so debilitating.

Edit: Added a link for info.

you should watch i saw the tv glow. it might be the best piece of trans art i've ever seen

i wrote a big long effortpost which isn't very good but it's there and you should read it and then watch the movie

friend watched i saw the tv glow and messaged me to say "yeah i'm still cis"

How do I explain, both to other people and myself, these feelings (especially why they are new). It just feels really weird coming out of no where and saying "hey guys, I know you've never seen me as anything but a guy and I've never really had a problem with that, until now when I'm suddenly very bothered by the idea, but also gender is some innate thing I was born with."

I feel like I can't be trans or I'd have known/felt dysphoria for longer :kitty-cri: but also I don't want to be a cis man.

Does someone know some text-based ressources for voice training? I know of the youtube channel, but I work better with written instructions. I just have an easier time understanding and internalizing the information when it's written.

::: spoiler cw: mental health, dysphoria Started an antidepressant a couple weeks ago, and it's at a low enough dose it does not help me at all, but the side effects have been so nasty. Constant dissociation. I looked in the mirror the other night and had extreme facial dysphoria. It felt like I was looking at a demon :(

I think the side effects have actually made me even more stressed too. I'm frequently feeling the beginning stages of panic attacks. Not fun :/ :::

On a more positive note, loving my new dresses, and I have a couple extremely supportive friends who make me feel very loved 💜 Things will get better :)

I have started actually trying out voice training excercises, and have realized that my vibes based approach of just humming music as high as I can without my voice breaking, maybe wasn't that bad after all.

Also imitating the sounds my dog used to make, has given me a bigger vocal range.

I am still going to continue with the actual excercises, but I'll also continue just playing with my voice while having a walk or something. I used to sind a lot as a child, before my voice dropped.

stuck between my urge to look like a cute girl and my urge to look like

got courage to put pics up on sniffies... great compliments on my t-dick

::: spoiler depressionposting, dysphoria, some health stuff, transphobic family. it's bad, i'm sorry god i'm so fucking miserable lol. I don't have an answer to the reason why I'm so fatigued I can barely get out of bed, I'm dysphoric all the time, I'm getting fucking top dysphoria now which I didn't used to have or at least it was never this prominent before. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life. My mental health is in such a drain that I'm actively avoiding people because of it, which I know is a shitty thing to do and I feel awful about it. if nothing else, I want to stop being depressed so that I can finally respond to peoples' messages like a normal person.

I literally have not felt a single moment of true happiness for at least 3 years at this point. I don't even remember what happiness feels like. it sounds cliche but it's true, I actually cannot remember even the sensation of it. If I'm not spiraling from OCD I'm feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety over random things or numb from depression. Usually it's all three at once. I am starting to think I have BPD. I fit a lot of the symptoms.

And I don't have an easy health answer to my fatigue. From all measurable accounts I seem normal but I'm so tired and dizzy that even climbing up and down stairs is a chore. My family thinks I'm faking it and that all I need to do is to get more exercise or something but I've tried exercise. I've tried exercise and it's a miserable experience that doesn't make me feel better afterwards. I had a period 2 years ago when I was briefly in college where I walked and biked constantly. I felt winded after walking for 10 minutes on the first day of the semester and on my last. My stamina is just gone.

I don't know what to do about all this. Medically transition, I guess, but I'm still living with my family and I'm worried they won't be supportive. It was already a fight to get my mom to be okay with me being a queer person who ostensibly wasn't trying to change stuff about my body. She wasn't happy when I brought up the prospect of going on birth control. What would her reaction be to me taking testosterone and getting my tits chopped off?? :::

pharmacy only gave me some 18 gauge needles. fuck me, that hurt. got a box of 100 needles and syringes on the way from amazon so i'll never have to do that again. FUCK

::: spoiler More posting about Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl

I don't think I like Paul, I think Paul is a fucking weirdo.

"Mannish hands" is such a dumb fucking concept, how can they be mannish if a woman can have them?? And wow Paul, it's cute that you desire femininity and are are a weird quantum-state nonbinary ethereal egg, but don't go projecting that shit onto my 90s dykes like a weird misogynist. What if women wanna be shaped weird or rugged and handsome or punkish or just kinda funny, huh?????? What then, shapeshifting coward???????? I sympathise with him in ways but he strikes me as judgy, typical I guess? Pls reassure me that nobody ever thinks this way. :::

hey this facial hair stuff kind of fucking sucks. how long do i have to be on hrt before laser/electrolysis keeps it off? or is that not relevant?

>lower cypro dose

>become emotionally unhinged & unregulated

is this normal or expected

is finding everything really funny a side effect of HRT? everything is really fucking funny now. i've been dying laughing at a 3d rendering of groverhaus for the past 5 minutes

Simultaneously feeling like I'm not trans but also whether or not I'm trans is the only thing I can think about. :scream-a: :aaaa:

lfg

This will knock a book off The List at the very least, and give me brearhing room from Tactics Ogre.

E: Uh oh it's a fuckin horny one isnt it

Is it just me or is this site getting more reddit in the bad way recently? It is getting to the point where the only reason I am staying here is the amazing trans community we have.

Brief mention of some other things that might trigger people, but naming them is all I do in the post itself so 🤷 seems counter productive to name them here. ::: spoiler dysphoria posting, again I'm crying. I hate who's in the mirror. Something has to change. I wish I knew if I'd like myself as a girl.

I've hated my body for as long as I can realistically remember and it's just getting worse. The ed, the sh, maybe it's all tied back to this.

I wish I'd wake up as a woman, if only to try it and know. ::: god when I say it all like that, you'd think I was a trans woman, wouldn't you? Must be cherry picking.

Bit idea: Voice training to sound like the Underscores lady, not only because Wallsocket fucks but because that's the evil dyke vocal tone I have always desired.

Having some good days here and there where I feel like I look like Aphrodite herself. Then other days...

::: spoiler cw: mental health, dysphoria I get gender envy from statues lol. Still grappling with the fact that this is all happening to me. I got so used to the constant dissociation and derealization that I was completely disconnected from my mental health. I always had some level of dysphoria, but I could push it aside.

It's overwhelming. Trying to find local queer support groups and other ways to connect with trans people around me, but I have had no luck so far. :::

Love you all. Hope your weekend is wonderful like you

::: spoiler bottom surgery talk okay so whole actually getting bottom surgery is most likely years off for me, is there somewhere where i can read about what my options even are here? i'm very curious right now :::

i am once again asking everyone who can go to a theater to watch i saw the tv glow

::: spoiler Weird Book Shit ft. Brief Terf Shit Why the fuck is it that I only, exclusively ever hear about the fucking Michigan """Womyns""" music festival in weird fucking trans fic? I guess because it's very 90s even though it continued long after, but if not for fucking Nevada or Any Other City and now Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl, I'd be blissfully unaware of this weird terf woodstock, and probably have no idea what Camp Trans is either. :::

I need some random media to occupy my brain while I lie in bed all day. Anyone have any recs? Maybe it's time to start Unjust Depths.

One last low effort dysphoria post before new mega: ::: spoiler spoiler Holy shit I hate my body :agony: I was near some windows and good god I look terrible. I have no idea what would make me happy with it. I'm jealous of women but would I look good as a woman? I sure as hell don't look good now though. I just cannot fucking stand it. :::

thinking about the opening scene of i saw the tv glow. the protagonist as a child doing that thing you do in gym class where you all sit in the parachute trapping the air inside as a dome. walking through it as the colors blur, not connected to the other children being surrounded by the pink blue and white of the parachute. very evocative, and a perfect encapsulation of what the movie is about