I TOOK 1 SPIRO TABLET 34 SECONDS AGO AND I STILL DON'T LOOK LIKE AN ANIME GIRL WHAT THE FUCK

Had my 3 week post-op appointment today. Everything is healing splendidly! Next follow-up is at 2 months so that says how well it is going right there. I’m super happy with how everything has gone. Well, GI tract issues aside of course, but still. Best month of my life hands down. Sorry if I’ve been waxing poetic about it too much. It’s hard to not be super happy about my bottom surgery =w=

i like skirts. they're comfy and easy to wear

i've been invited to my local transfem hornyposting server, pls help

Was told I'm not really a trans femme because I stopped taking hrt meds after being happy with my body. Like what the shit?

I have gender dysphoria, I think.

It's just... been plaguing me lately.

well. it was a messy process that required a bit of improvising and having to use a big ass drawing needle for the injection but i have been on E officially for the last 35 seconds

I like my boobs, happy with size, my gf likes em, but prog has made them grow more. Which is nice, yeah, but I'm fucking busting buttons out of my cute tops like a god damm cartoon

Been lurking here for a while. Came out to my wife as genderfluid a couple weeks ago, which was pretty rough. That doesn't feel like the whole thing, though.

::: spoiler dysphoria? Maleness feels like a mask or lack of awareness about myself. Femininity is the only way I feel like I'm "seeing" myself. :::

Happy to be here finally talking to the trans people in my computer

i think i pass at work no one has said anything or asked anything atleast

My mom visited me from out of town this weekend. She's been mostly supportive but also really boomer about everything up until now, but recently she has been talking to people who know trans people and reading books to understand me better. I have never felt so seen and so understood by my mom. We talked the harm we've both done to each other candidly, and she accepted responsibility as the parent for all of it.

Before this, i was sure that she'd never "get" it and that our relationship was always going to be at arms length but she switched it up on me. And now our relationship is going to be difficult again but it's a very different difficult and I'm really excited for it.

thinking about getting some of that body fat redistribution and muscle loss and soft skin is making to go irl

If you haven’t noticed, the cool part of genderfluidity is being able to get gender envy from anyone

Hello everyone, I hope everyone will have a great week!!! Much love!!! 🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

Ummmm. It was my birthday recently and now I have decide I should start HRT. How do I start? What do I need? And where do I get the stuff from? I'm still totally cis though, I just really, really want feminizing hormones...

I finally cut my hair and for the first time I feel a lot of gender euphoria when I see my reflection

Oh look, fresh new mega to terrorise ✨

Last mega ended with like 470 comments, I love to see it. Is this no longer rookie numbers???

Live by the dysphoria hoodie, die by the dysphoria hoodie.

down with cis

My current strategy of just pulling through with trans stuff, without explaining anything works pretty well, I feel(this is vibes basef, not evidence based). Of course there are limits, especially with clothing and the like, but so far noone really cares about my painted nails, my hair, or my jewelry.

What I get are compliments. It's fun being able to experiment. The most important part is just not being nervous, but looking confident in yout own skin.

Act like people are weird for thinking something is unusual about you, people don't like being weird, so they won't ask. Make the other person commit a social faux pas in order to ask you anything you don't want to be asked. Social rules exist and can be used as a tool.

May DAY

Also just wanna say once again having a sub is great, being in a romantic t4t relationship with a sub is greaT, I would absolutely recommend it

All my sick shit I like to do to people is appreciated and desired by this beautiful person 😩 its making me a soft dom swear to god lol

Gonna start experimenting a little with dressing slightly more femme, I'll die before I let any fucker put me in a skirt but, like, I've bought these cute tights with pictures of moths on 'em that I'm gonna wear with my shorts.

I was watching an episode of Elementary, and at one point Watson told Holmes that she has a guest over, and Holmes was like: "You've taken a lover in my absence. That's excellent! I can't wait to meet him. Or her. Or is it them?" We love our enby inclusive Holmes, folks.

how in the fuck am i supposed to get enough sleep, work enough to pay for shit, and meet people?

I had a nice surprise hit me this morning when I was getting ready for my doctor appointment. Today was the first time I put a bra on since my surgery and apparently my boobs decided it was time to grow. I actually had a decent amount of overflow in my bra that really caught me off guard. My boobs stopped being sore so I just assumed that they were finished. Either way, I’m not buying a size up now. Gonna wait until I get top surgery late this year cause bras are super expensive. Also don’t wanna buy a cup up and find out I am just crazy.

starting to accept i have bottom dysphoria and it fucking sucks. there's nothing I can do about it because I don't have money or coverage.

Im finally surrounded by other trans people and its really nice to be able to just exist like that :)

I got a digital recept for my hormones(yaay!), but I can't open the file.(nayy!)

My phone tells me it couldn't decode the file, so I assume it has some privacy features.

Went in for my first electrolysis appointment and the technician told me i should probably get a re-evaluation with my insurance because she took one look at my hair, saw how dark it was, and was surprised I was recommended for electrolysis over laser.

Reached out to my insurance and now I'm hoping they get back to me soon.

I was left a bit shaken up for some reason, maybe the nervousness of going in for electro gave me a bit of an adrenaline rush, idk.

Bit disappointed because this is a small hump but hey at least laser should be faster than electrolysis.

::: spoiler I hate my cycle

I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. I hate my cycle. HOLY FUCK FUCK MY CYCLE PLEASE STOP LEMME RETURN TO NORMAL FUNCTION

Edit: I’m gonna give some background so I don’t come off a little wild here. I’m super crampy. My emotions are swinging more than kids at a playground. I’m super weepy. I’m super snippy. I’m angry, happy, and sad all simultaneously. I’m constantly tired. I hate it. It stopped being anffirming ages ago and it’s seriously just hyper inconvenient now. Though I do appreciate my one wife’s comment of “Look! You’re on your period AND you’re bleeding from your vagina! Congratulamations!!!1” I was terribly amused for about ten seconds before more cramps doubled me over. :::

Realising that I do not own any trousers that aren't incredibly tight around the ass. I didn't get a fine ass for nothin so

i keep taking a deep whiff of this bottle of spiro i got. this stuff smells like buttermints. it even smells femme

Why did nobody tell me about Color Correction Make up until like 5 days ago?

every time i try and pick out a femme outfit in my head i end up looking like a librarian in much the same way that evolution keeps reevolving the crab

::: spoiler kinda dysphoria posting I don't like my body, but somehow can't point to what would fix it? It's very frustrating. Like I know I hate my facial hair, but after I shave that still doesn't fix it, I still just hate my face. I feel like I should know what I want to look like. I know I don't like where I'm at, but have no idea where to go. Maybe eventually I'll see about trying hrt, the that'sdysphoria.fyi site made it seem pretty low risk to try? And most of the effects do sound pretty good. I don't know. ::: Honestly never thought I'd consider hrt. It's very odd.

i have no real choice for long term housing other than to out myself as a trans woman to craigslist strangers

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..............................

serious question, is it customary for cat girls to "meow" as their first message to you? asking here because most trans women I've met message this after we share contacts

Anyone here's music taste change with transition? Actually just curious because my music taste is always changing and evolving but not sure if I've been gravitating towards more R&B and stuff with transition. At the same time I still love like, very masculine coded hip hop which feels kinda weird but it's good. Idk what I'm saying lol

No hate but it's a little annoying trying to build platonic connections with trans women in my city through apps and all my experiences so far come down to them always rejecting my invites because of anxiety or feeling too tired but they never invite me because they normally don't go outside or trans women who want to only party and fuck

I'm down to party with them but I just want more platonic trans fem friends no sex 😭

Happy May Day, comrades!

8 hours HRT and I'm already feeling anxiety and some inexplicable chest pains under my ribs. Probably nothing or just psychosomatic anxiety or maybe the girl juice is just working extra fast :))))

I am actually so blackpilled on ^binary^ gender it's not even remotely funny, I'm a fucking gender abolitionist like John Brown was an abolitionist, I have completely lost my mind on this subject, it's absurd. My brain no longer formulates coherently around the concept, it's just noise up there. I don't actually understand anything. Silly shit

god its so cool to have a RL transfemme leftist to talk to on the daily, even if it is at a shitty job

Here is a rare little posting for you all - at year 8 or 9 of my medical transition in which I shoot myself up with tons of estrogen to become hot, I grew more body hair.

Not a lot, still probably less than the average cisgender woman, but there was noticeably slightly more and slightly darker hair on my forearms, and just above the knee. It's still hard to see without like looking really hard, but it kinda spooked me at the time. However my levels have been fairly consistent, so I assume this is part of second puberty since I never came close to finishing the first one. Very curious.

Having a rather shitty day today, woke up with a headache and dizziness that has still not fully gone away.

I guess the vast majority of people see "lesbian" and assume "woman" right?

Holy fuck I am so incredibly jealous of women :cri: why can't I look like that. I just want to be her, ya know? And then I see a lesbian couple and oh my god :kitti-cry: why isn't that me? I keep like actually tearing up.

Why am I in such a gross man body. It feels so weird to even type these feelings out from my body. Like I'm a fraud.

Back on my bullshit, except I broke the character limit again oh well, the reply to this will have its second half!

This Interlude doesn't have much transbian antics, so if you're just reading for that feel free to skip this one.

::: spoiler Unjust Depths Interlude II posting, pt1 II.1 Revelations:

Ahwalia was a carnist reactionary, and Kansal was/is an IMMORTAL!! Between that and hearing about how Jayasankar slaughtered Solistice's Imperial governor makes me reflect: Unjust Depths is "MORE 👏 FEMALE 👏 WAR 👏 CRIMINALS 👏" but unironically. Sheesh =)

In other news this Interlude features a lot of internal politicking which is deeply fascinating to my still-green liberal brain.

I wonder if it is sorta bad that I agree with Jayasankar kinda? I mean, I guess the text wants us to agree with her... I don't think there's nothing in compromising between parties with similar visions sometimes, but clearly Kansal was a bit too lenient with that silly utopian socialism guy. If you can trust that the dictatorship is of the proletariat and benefits them(us), then what's even the need for a "marketplace of ideas"? It could be considered pompous to basically take a stance of "we have arrived at the best system for everyone", and I think some people will always chafe at being dictated, but... Jayansakar is right, right?? I guess her seemingly independent movement above any dictatorship of the proles is what bugs me slightly? And yet, her plays benefit the people.

I cannot fault the results; the based Jayansakar tells off the Bosporan anarchists about their Khaybar campaign, no the commies will NOT participate in settler colonialism! Again, when all of the anarchists in your setting are cringe buttmad racist no-bedtime anarkiddies.

Also I sense that there is a lot of gay flirting in the Union's diplomatic affairs, going by both Ulyana and Bhavani Jayansakar's demeanours. Lol. "Aggressive" and "receptive" is definitely a choice set of terms, madame Veka... do you I guess. It must be my rotted brain that makes this type of shit feel weird, I'm certain of it. However the premier calling her a "raunchy bird" had me rollin'.

II.2:

Seeing an "outsider" perspective on the Union, where the POV lady has sort of cultural differences with it, is incredibly fascinating, very cool. That Maya thinks Union people don't appreciate the luxury of meal options enough, like huh, yeah. I think it's also the first time we see any sort of minority-demographic perspective in UD? given that trans people don't seem to be a minority in the Union, nor do POC. Getting an "outsider" perspective on the Union is super cool. I find Maya charming, "No, ma'am, thank you for your service" is great. Her meetcute with Maya is fun!

I did end up wondering, though: is it kinda bad and smelly that Parvati and Jayansakar are basically using Maya for propaganda ends? It's in service of a good cause because y'know, Ahwalian thought is cringe, clearly this was all the right move, but... Idk? It feels weird that she's only getting her due because it suits the current rulership's political ends, I guess that's just the way things be...

"Fair currents" is an awesome greeting, very cute! And frankly Deshnov deserves this physical abuse from Hanko, uncritical support, yes I am still fuming about that one flashback chapter. Between that little bullshit stunt and addressing Hanko as "Katarran", my sympathy has run out and Deshnov is now in Racist Transphobic Grampa Jail, by my estimate. It's whatever that he hates the Ashura, but this whole arrest thing might not have gone down so badly if he weren't such a clown. Enjoy deep sea labour re-education, gramps, that you are a stank-ass misogynist does not shock me.

His buddy Yerdlov is such a silly hypocrite too, like he goes on and on about Democracy and Process being their own ideology, and then his inquiry into the arrest of Deshnov requires formal debate because it's totally without precedent and outside of process. "Obstructionism"? You fucking CLOWN, guy who says he is a process fetishist then gets mad when Jayansakarists do a process about his inquiry.

Getting inside looks at the gears and levers of the Union is awesome though, look at all the Thoughts in my funny brain! I missed Semi-Automated Luxury Transbian Underwater Communism, truly.

II.3: Oh this one has a CW for queerphobia & transphobia, a bit :> as well as a mention of suicide, but of a fascist.

Whenever I'm in the weeds of these Interludes I tend to think they're a pacing bump, sometimes they slow my reading to a crawl. This one is shorter than the first though, and a nice check-in with things outside the Brigand, but Idk. Idk! At least this one tells a single continuous narrative through different characters, perspectives and locations. It is within its bounds well paced, much better organised than the unmitigated hot mess of Interlude I.

That was the beauty that Communism held for Maya, when she was going through her readings years ago. The Union was something all of them could join hands to fight for- something that was worth fighting for.

It gave her unnatural birth a shred of meaning.

GOD I WISH THAT WERE ME Depths is pretty good agitprop I think.

The Volksdorks talking about occupying Serrano station makes me curious to see the Union forces in a liberatory position, Murati will be very pleased. Watching the fash walk like idiots into a snare while ignoring multiple command fuckups and poor odds is instructive, holy shit these clowns suck at fighting. Zero discipline, real dipshit move getting pulled out that far; if they'd held formation and commanded their fucking ships, they wouldn't have been ventilated in new and inventive ways from the upper scattering layer. Common fash L!!! Maya is like "All missiles, saturation fire on the Volkische right wing!" and I'm like Sheesh, save some for the social democrats in the fleet :^)

Here's the bit the cw is for:

The Volkische had characterised the Union as a state of ethnic inferiors with a pretend navy composed of lesbians and effeminate men in women's uniforms. Their government that could barely feed them kept them docile wirh handouts and propaganda. The masculine and martial Volkisch state, which was already on its way to defeating the Royal Alliance, should have been able to easily cast aside the communists.

Classic move, common all-politics-is-sexual-projection-L, how can fash constantly cope with getting their white asses handed to them by 'inferiors' of various types literally everywhere all the time?

It was not a fear of facing Lehner nor history itself that led Bloch to his decision, however.

It was more sudden than that. It was rawer, more emotional.

Chiefly, he was tormented by the idea of surrendering to a band of untermensch homosexuals and being subjected to whatever d*generate torments and humiliations they had in store for him as a prisoner of war. A devoted and loyal fascist, Bloch obsessee with this lurid fantasy by himself for over thirty minutes, supported by everything that made sense to him and the brutal shock of his vast, and total defeat. He would not let the communist lowlives make a fool of him and debase him - he would die with honour.

Fuckin losers, die salty & mad at the bottom of the sea.

*to be continued* :::

Reading Unjust Depths to feed my desire for transbians kissing but getting a face full of theory instead.

damn they got me on a "not fucking around" dosage of HRT. i checked with my trans woman friend to compare dosages and mine is higher with spiro to boot

Daaaammmmmnnnn 200 comments and it's only Wednesday.

I tried to do too much today. It’s 4 weeks post-op, but I felt spicy today and wanted to go to my FLGS and a bookstore. So we all jammed into the car and went. Instant regret. So much pain and I’m exhausted out of my gourd. I did, however, manage to secure a copy of Tal’dorei Reborn from my FLGS, so I’m a happy girl. Gonna translate it to PF 2e and run a campaign in Exandria with my group in a month or so.

In the laser clinic waiting room, a bunch of anaesthetic cream on my face under cling film that has to sit for 1-2 hours so the laser removal isn't super painful, reading some Dance of Dialectic. Nice day overall, waiting just gives me an excuse to read. Also this place was recommended by trans friends in the area and I'm pretty sure I heard at least one, maybe two other transfems while waiting. Could be mistaken but beautiful women with beautifully deep voices at the laser clinic that's very trans friendly, it's likely !

Having to tear myself bodily away from silly turn-based-tactics games to go read Unjust Depths so that I do not become dessicated with lack of gay. Surely Homa must be the saddest and dorkiest lesbian, surely.

I got my estrogen patches today, am supposed to take them 4 times a week, so 42 hours. I found no timer app that could do above 24 hours, or only in daily increments. So I rounded up to 48 hours, that is much easier to time, and only plus 6 hours.

I really didn't expect the planning to be any work. But a patch each 1.75 days was a bit annoying. I really should get a pocket calendar, this would have been much easier if I didn't have to remember it from memory each time.

okay i want to look like a girl but i also have always thought i'd be good at being an old man so i guess i'm going to detransition at the age of 58 and become Red Green. even if I don't I have like 30 years to think about that decision

Girl who fills your DMs with german punk music from the 70s????

Bit of a silly thing for me to worry about rn, but does anyone have any advice on just like, how to start dating, just in general? I've reached a point where I'm more comfortable and happy and I feel like I might finally have the actual emotional bandwidth (and time) to date. But I'm also pretty worried since I literally never have before, the closest thing was being asked out once and having a few crushes at one point in time. And because of that lack of experience I just have no clue where to start really. I guess dating apps? But idk which ones are decent and I'm not sure how comfortable I really am with them besides. I guess they're kind of my only option rn until uni starts up again, though.

Also, while I'm not actually ace, I've realised that the idea of having sex kinda terrifies me with how dysphoric I am, and I have no clue how I'd properly build a relationship without that as an expectation. So any advice on that front from any ace comrades here would also be welcome.

I’m getting back into reading, but now my issue is that I need physical copies to really enjoy reading and they’re so expensive even on thriftbooks a lot of the stuff I want is in the $20 range

::: spoiler CW transphobia I just confirmed what I suspected for a while. My stepdad is transphobic. Urgh :::

My sleep schedule is so out of whack right now. Nowadays, I’ve somehow retained the ability to just sleep at will, which is something I haven’t had in a decade. My brain is incapable of controlling it, so I just pass out for like four hours at a time at little notice. Not that I’m complaining except I need a rigid sleep schedule for next week when the Summer Basho starts. I watch it live; I don’t even care that Japan is 15 hours ahead.

Straight up, neo vagina is cool and good 👍

I know there's at least one poster here who didn't want faers done, I appreciate that. But I'm saying for those who want one, it's fucking dope. I love em, I want one of my own! ♡

anyone have experience with mtf HRT's effects on keratosis pilaris? I've got some on my arms but a lot on my legs :( people generally report clearer skin w/ estrogen but i'm not sure if that applies to this... some people on say it helps some say no change

Is there any tucking underwear that isn't like $20 a pair?

::: spoiler depersonalization talk Sometimes I feel like my body is a mech suit I'm piloting around. Or like I'm a little farther back in my head then I should be (I have no idea if that makes sense). It feels a little like when I had esketamine (not at its peak, more the beginning and end). I was actually concerned for a while the esketamine broke something in my brain.

Is that kinda what trans depersonalization is like? Do any of you feel the same way? :::

Epilator bought, feeling very excited to see how it compares to shaving. Worst case scenario the one I bought can double as an electric razor too. I'm so ready for smooth leg heaven without needing to do it quite as often.

::: spoiler doomposting Learning that the only thing stopping my transition is the ruination of my marriage :( Realizing how easy it would have been if I were ten years younger and could have accepted myself then suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. ::: That is all. Hope you all are having a great Friday

girls are on their way to becoming girlchampions, girlwinners, girlthrivers, girlthings are starting off slow but they are still girlmoving.

going to be on HRT just a little longer tomorrow :)

::: spoiler sorry for blogging and clogging your mega (very slightly nsfw) Shaving today was weird, I can tell I have changed considerably because while it's nice to have the pubes gone, (mostly because they are way too thick and curly) everything else I could seriously take or leave. Shaving my legs? Eh, I guess it's nice they're smooth? But the fluff is cool too actually, Idk. Will I ever even shave again? It doesn't give me gender euphoria, because I don't consider my body hair to be "masc" or anything like that. I think the "stop shaving, burn your bras" feminists in the 70s were on to something, honestly. :::

"i still look too masc. FFS is the only way that i could possibly pass" < dumb thot who's been on E for an entire 11 hours

I've been slacking really badly on shaving/nair-ing/etc all my body hair. Part of me wants to cause it's been a while, and part of me doesn't wanna participate in the "it's summer, better shave your legs" shit. Even though it would be nice, I guess.

But also like, maybe I should just bike and walk around totally unshaven this year? Make people fuckin deal with it? Give them shitty looks if I catch em observing?????

Sex is fucked up, I have decided.

reading all the "man vs bear" responses and discourse on hexbear has been really eye opening for me yet also very strange considering that a. I really don't seem to grasp how women feel when answering this question yet also b. keep taking the E shots and growing out my hair and I will understand one of these days

I'm back in my small rural home town (small is underselling, it's got close to 100K people). I bought my gf plane tickets to come stay with me for June pride, she's still recovering from bottom surgery, but I think we both wanna do pride stuff... it'd be my first pride events ever. I socially transitioned like 3 years ago but yknow covid and everything. I'm nervous cause my town is definitely low grade transphobic but isn't it more important to do it here than where it's a corporate family event?

I'm fighting the Transfeminine urge to quit my job and become a racing sim streamer.

how much Estrogen am I supposed to be on? I got a prescription for .4mg/week but something about that feels... unusually low

idk what to make of the fact that in reality i was always a lesbian and now it's really hard to be a lesbian when you look like a man

Sorry for bringing cringe in here, don't click the link.

Seeing this fucking leddit post linked by someone and writing a giant screed about how policing the sexuality of women according to your personal preference is uncool, how "mimicing the behaviour of men" is gender essentialist bullshit, and how sex negativity and gender essentialism wrapped up in one post like that reeks of the swerf-n-terf sex-negative anti-feminism you used to see in the 1970s and shit. Hate to have to do it

::: spoiler Probably just dysphoric enough to justify a spoiler tag, just in case So. Unlike everyone else in this thread, I'm in an annoying questioning state where I'm not about transitioning (mtf) just yet. There's still a lot about my gender identity that I'm just not sure about.

• I feel like I'm not married to the term "man", certainly not as much as a lot of men seem to be. Yet, when I see things online attacking "men" in general in a way that I see as being a little bit unfair, it's hard not to internalize that. So, for example, a recent meme about men being more dangerous than bears. It's not that I don't understand the reasoning behind it or that I'm "offended" by it exactly. But it's hard not to be a little sad at the fact that, insofar as I am perceived as male, I am by default perceived as an unlovable and dangerous subhuman monster. I could take this as evidence that I don't want to be a man and that I should transition, but is "not wanting to be a man" enough to pull the trigger on a medical transition? It feels like I should be running TOWARDS something I want, not just AWAY from something I hate.

• There are a lot of boxes on the "Incel" checklist that describe me, e.g. loneliness, lack of deep friendships or romantic partnerships, spending far too much time on the internet. When I read advice for guys in this kind of situation, it tends to be very similar, obvious-but-annoying-and-difficult things, e.g. taking care of your health, introspection, journaling, meditation, finding social hobbies, etc. When I read this lists, I get a bit annoyed and exhausted. And yet, it becomes a bit more bearable if I think of myself as something other than a man, e.g. "Get a hobby" feels like scolding cliche self-help advice, yet "Get a hobby, but trans" feels less bad for some weird unexplainable reason (even if I don't actually do anything different).

• A lot of discussions I can find about trans identity talk, explicitly or implicitly, about how a person feels "inside", e.g. what gender do they feel like they are? I don't know if I feel like anything in particular. When I'm filling out forms and it has the option, I usually answer "nonbinary" or something similar. I was playing an online game where you can customize your appearance, and the default avatar was a featureless, not particularly gendered, cute looking cartoon person. I tried making it look like how I actually look, but then I realized, "Wait, I kind of prefer the featureless androgynous humanoid cartoon -- that's closer to what I actually feel like". If you asked me how I imagine myself inside, the honest and silly answer is that I feel like a "Scrimblo Bimblo"-type genderless cartoon/video game character. I'm not 100% sure if "woman" is the right label for me, but I'm not totally against it either -- it just feels odd. I will say, when I see happy women, either alone or in relationships, I feel a tinge of envy, and that strikes me as a sign that I prefer the idea of being a woman more than the idea of being a man. I keep thinking to myself "I can't transition because I'd be an ugly woman", which I am well aware is a classic thing for trans women to tell themselves before transitioning. The prospect of medically transitioning and still identifying as nonbinary is... frightening, but fear seems like a bad reason not to do it.

At this point, I've been ruminating on this so long that it feels like I'm being annoying and indecisive, like I want you to make the decision for me. I realize that's a silly thing to want (but, like, could you? Because that would be GREAT!) so perhaps the best I can hope for is that writing this is a useful exercise for me. :::

::: spoiler kinda nsfw

pissing like a fountain

salty food extra tasty

libido lowered slightly

dysphoria lowered slightly, feel less masculine

balls faintly sore

well the E is probably going to take a while longer to kick in but the spiro is clearly working :::

Anyone watched Monkey Man yet? It's dope.

::: spoiler spoiler Training sequences with the Hijra were so fuckin rad :::

how come there are so many damn submissive trans bitches with praise kinks out there and how come i ended up as one of then too??? fuck

::: spoiler Yapping about queer book stuff, brief mentions of kink things It feels weird that there are a bunch of hyper-specific interpersonal things in Unjust Depths that I apparently just cannot wrap my brain around, at all. I have to either give it credit for challenging my stupid-ass narrow view, because most sapphic fiction cannot challenge me with unfamiliar things ths way, or alternatively I have to give it shit for rudely bullying my tiny little Autistic brain and making me embarrass myself.

Maybe once in a blue moon when I'm reading one of those trans litfic novels, I'll stumble across something that blows my monocle off for a second and I need to stop and comprehend - the weird HIV-quasi-pregnancy-kinkplay in Detransition, Baby is a good example - but it's usually stuff I'll get befuddled over for like, an hour or two before internalising it and rolling with it. No, I did not consider that Wendy would turn things around on her weird eggy clients and make the sex a forcefem thing, when reading Little Fish, but sure right, why not? The ex-Mennonite shit was at least as odd as that.

Somehow though, Unjust Depths has thrown me way more curveballs in its runtime than probably all of those goofy books combined, and in the stupidest little places. Behold, this Autistic brain; it cannot fucking parse butch/femme as a concept! Real top quality grey matter, here. :::

I gotta post this one part from 10.1 of Unjust Depths.

::: spoiler The bit, spoiler-free

Nevertheless, that moment in the tunnel, staring up at the distant shadow of Kreuzung, an enormous pillar that rose to fill the sky, its millions of lights barely outlining its figure in the vast darkness of the Imbrium– Homa almost felt like it was meant to make her feel small. Like it was deliberate.

As if to say to her personally, that there was no possible way to change any part of this.

Homa Baumann, a poor mixed-race Shimii, brown skinned, dark haired, sitting alone in that tram in her blue jumpsuit and work boots, her fluffy tiny stub of a tail caught against the seat, her yellow eyes staring up at that pillar. Struggling for food, struggling for medicine, struggling to control her life, segregated from the Imbrians who could come and go where they pleased, who owned this ocean. None of this could be challenged by someone like her. All she could do was sit down and stare at it every day.

In the shadow of a thousand year history of her people that had led to this day.

Things she barely knew or understood, loomed over her, whispering shadows.

Sitting there alone on the tram with all of this in sight, she thought-

How did it come to this?

How did it come to be that their people lived with these injustices? :::

This is the single most beautiful and impactful passage in the entire webnovel, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. This entire chapter, right up to the part where the dockworker dorks start talking, is probably the best character introduction in the whole thing, too. Norn or Shalikova get introduced with little fanfare or flavour, but 10.1 is bursting at the seams with tidbits about Homa. I love her. It's great.

trans spaces on the internet:

vs trans spaces irl

::: spoiler sad posting, some negativity about being trans (directed inward you all are amazing), fears of transphobia I'm just so sad and confused. It hurts. I'm so jealous of women. I hate my body. I wish I was born a girl. I'd never feel this way. I'd have other issues, obviously, but idk I just think I'd be happier with my body/socially. But I don't want to be trans :cri: it seems so hard. I wish I could just be cis. Why can't I be okay with being a guy. It's objectively got a lot of advantages. Why hexbear. And if I decided I was trans I'd be so terrible at it for so long 😢 everyone would just look at me like a man pretending to be a woman. A pervert. I don't want people to look at me like a disgusting creep :/ what did I do to deserve this. This sucks. I hate the idea of being trans. :::

Also if anyone has any advice on discussing this with my therapist (or if I even should) I'd appreciate it. I feel like I should know what I want before telling them but (emoji I can't remember the name of, it's the yellow face throwing hands upward in kinda defeat)

::: spoiler Unjust Depths 10.1 discussion Homa is in fact the saddest and dorkiest lesbian. I just like her, I don't have to justify it cause if you know, you know. I love long, observational stream-of-consciousness bullshit cause I'm pretentious as fuck, and following Homa close to the shoulder from waking up in the morning to doing her dock job in the central tower is so fucking cool, mmmmm look at all this introspection and flavour, I posted it before but the scene of Homa feeling small and helpless whilst gazing out from the tram onto the massive central tower is fuckin brilliant. No notes.

It's a bonus too, if it gives us stuff like her imagining taking the civilian Volker at her work out to fight "bad guys", lol lmao. Homa has mech brainworms too, and I support it.

When she sees the "Pandora's Box" docking at her goofy dockworker job, I practically screamed. SAVE HER, TRANSBIAN COMMUNISTS!!! TRANSBIAN COMMUNISTS SAVE HER!!!!!!! I gotta say, reintroducing the Brigand by having it arrive to someone fresh is such a good move, this whole chapter fucks.

A workaday cat like Homa envied even the relatively small freedom of working on a ship.

LOOK at how fucking juicy her narration is, she is so fucking CHARACTERISED!!! Even when she is simping Ulyana, which critical support, lol. She IS IN FACT dorky and Ulyana knows it, which funny enough I find Ulyana's flirty nature very enjoyable compared to a Jayansakar, for instance. Idk what the difference is.

Homa lived 2500 meters below sea level of a scarred world without justice or peace.

Oh I knowwwwww the Depths are so Unjust to you, it isn't riiight ✨ This chapter has so many good lines, I didn't have much criticism for the prose and narration of prior chapters but I think the standard has risen for Anthology Two, ngl. Mostly you would get little specific scenes of stuff that would offer insight into whoever the camera was on, like Norn in the shower onboard the Antenora, or Ulyana and Aaliyah drinking together after the Gorge. I dunno if we've had this long an establishing "tracking shot" since Murati was introduced and I'm so here for it. Atomised, lonely, gay gay cat lady, the claws of the Imbrian empire having separated and distanced her from her own people.

I have asked funny leftist lady and she agreed that yes, the quality of just line-to-line writing, the prose and similes and general narration, has all seen a huge bump in quality since I last checked in circa 9.6 and Interlude II. Shit was already pretty good, but I fuckin drank this in and it gave me joy. :::

::: spoiler News on my Unjust Depths posting(update forthcoming!):

I started going off about it in the new sapphic book server I joined because the funny leftist lady I found (different to the goodreads commie lady) is reading it too and will go off about it with me sometimes.

One of the server regulars was all "I want you to know I am completely unfamiliar with Unjust Depths before you brought it up, and I am intensely amused and appreciate you going out of your way to do a big ol' infodump and gushing (and hyperfocusing?) on it here" which, I'm glad for the enthusiasm and all, cool that they seem interested, but I can't help reading the slightest bit of condescension into that "intensely amused", like yes captain I speak in ridiculous paragraphs, do not bully me... It is going well in there though, I'd say. :::

::: spoiler Unjust Depths 10.2 since they go together! This one is sort of where the plot actually starts for Homa, after the reader gets to marinate in all that good good 10.1 sauce.

When Madame Arabie takes Homa into her lil outfitters and Homa admits "she would have gone wild for a girl wearing this too", Homa is such a filthy lil demure homo, a lascivious gay even. I'm pretty sure she can rock a waistcoat and fancy trousers just as well ✨

Also though "coquettish", there's that word again, I see it and I know. I like this situation maybe less than Homa does, Idk. My affection for evil lady kind of ends when she starts dressing my smol bean workaday cat up as a "boytoy". It could be fun but it seems like it aint? :/ Idk if this is the fun kind of evil lady...

There were two seated on the bigger couch, both Shimii women judging by their figures and features.

For a split second I thought this meant that Shimii had distinct proportions to everybody else and was veeerrrrry confused lol. I will say, I do like how ears and tails are part of Shimii gender expression, it's cute! What's not cute is Homa being a weird racist internally about Katarrans however, noooooooo Homa don't be a loser D:

See though, uh, I don't like this ambiguity, leftist lady I was talking to said she herself was crushing on Madame Arabie... Idk how Homa actually feels about Arabie though, like she is horny but also under her thumb monetarily and also basically a worker under her... There's some kinda somethin I'm not getting here, and it's adjacent to that other issue thing I have. Would Homa still be here doing this if not for the extenuating financial circumstances and Arabie's promise to her father? The horny? I guess she doesn't have a choice... The whole dynamic is really strange, is this supposed to be uncomfortable? I guess it's kind of like a really extreme dom/sub thing, metatextually... My impression is that Homa is 50/50 between "innocent smol bean caught up in dirty work" and "evil gay who wants evil sexy lady" though, an odd mix. Maybe distaste for these specific evil ladies, but it really baffles me how she can go from "hyped up and horny" at Arabie to screaming her head off in fury during a shower...

I do respect her resolve regarding the necessity of her making money from Arabie to survive, but I dunno... "How could she ever escape Madame Arabie's clutches now?" NOT BY FUCKING HER, HOMA! Someone help me out before I say something weird again...

Anyway Homa's description of the Volkische Laurentius tower goes so fucking hard. "It was an evil place, death at the midnight hour." Unjust Depths is now metal as fuck.

Imani's tail curled around Homa's leg, prompting her to quiver.

B-but that's gay?!

Uh I guess I shouldn't worry too much about Madame Arabie specifically, because going by Imani I think Homa radiates "possess and abuse me, hot evil lady!" energy at all times. She is caught between hot evil women. Alas, this girl desperately needs to be saved, or maybe not, since Catgirl Nazi Mommy gave her a new phone...

It does kinda blow ass that her opinion of her own people ("Shimii had no knights. They lived in the shadows of the Imbrians' wars and upheavals. Things just happened to them.) is wrong, she's so propagandised that she doesn't know about Majida and her based jihad. She's so prime for radicalisation it hurts, but now she has a nazi mommy dommy in addition to her crimeboss mommy dommy :/ "What have I gotten myself into?" Good question you silly bitch!

I talked to funny leftist lady about it a bit, and she said Nazi Catgirl Fake Dating is one of her favourite bits so far. So I know I'm interpreting things wrong again, Idk why. :::