I’m now two and a half weeks post-op. Had my first exam today and everything’s healing very well. Still sore and still can’t really get around, but I’m definitely doing better.
Bottom surgery has done me more good than anything I have ever done in my life. The chaotic background noise that's been in my life since forever is finally gone. I feel truly at peace. I can sleep just because. And I'm simply the happiest I've ever been in my life. I smile all the time and I’m more confident in myself. I knew I needed this surgery badly, but I didn’t realize til afterwards how severe my bottom dysphoria was. And now, I’ve taken the biggest step down my personal path of transition and I’m closer than ever to being the real me. Gods I never thought I’d be here. I’m so happy ;w;
46
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
20
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
5
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
I knew I needed this surgery badly, but I didn’t realize til afterwards how severe my bottom dysphoria was.
I hear this from every friend of mine who's had bottom surgery. Still on the wait list for the clinic, but at this point it'll be less than a year until i can make a post like yours myself and i'm so looking forward to that!
Super glad to hear you're doing well, i wish you all the best for the recovery process and a ton of all these happy, happy moments of euphoria i keep seeing with other trans girls post OP.
18
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
I look forward to seeing yours :3 It’s a long journey with many potholes in the road, but the reward is well worth it.
I greatly appreciate well wishes! Thank you very much. The euphoria is unimaginable. Never knew life could feel this good.
7
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
I hope you make a full and swift recovery!!!
13
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
6
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
cleaned out from under my bed, threw out more bags of trash, one more day lived as a trans girl, on more day closer to HRT. the road is so very long but I'm walking it and getting just a tiny bit closer
37
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
Cleaning shit out is so satisfying to get done, I'm proud of you for doing it! I know how hard it can be.
16
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
You’ll make it there, one day at a time!!!
5
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
god i have to get off reddit. i keep looking at trans femme fashion and transition timelines and it's all these stunningly well passing women who claim shit like "oh yeah this was like 1.5 years hrt" or something, this is only filling my head with bad ideas.
fuck, i got to meet real trans people outside and i don't even really know where to start, honestly
34
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
girl you already passed as a cis woman after 1.5 years HRT and then you got FFS??? you literally just look like a different cis woman now? i am become dysphoria, the layer in bed
23
da_gay_pussy_eatah [she/her] - 2.2yr
I think for a lot of people, even if they already "pass" to most strangers, getting ffs is not necessarily just about looking more feminine, but moreso about just looking different than the face they've felt so much dysphoria about for so long.
I know personally, when I look in the mirror I have a list of features I can systematically stare at until I start to feel like shit, and I can't really stop myself from doing it.
13
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
There’s a lot to be said about how comfortable one is looking at themselves in the mirror. It might work for the general public, but if it doesn’t work for you, then what does it matter? It’s part of the reason I am still harsh on myself with my voice even though it passes very well. I want it to sound good to me as well, not just Random Stranger A
10
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
That's very valid and something I never really considered but yeah, that's fair and kind of describes me come to think of it. Like, transphobia is bad and I don't want to experience that in public but I want to pass for myself. I don't want to see a man in the mirror anymore. It's funny, actually when i think about it enough; I like the idea of FFS but I don't even think I'll need it. With longer hair, no 5 o clock shadow, and smoother, drier skin, i could probably pass with relatively little HRT changes to my face. I remember I took the first selfies of myself that I actually liked like 3 weeks ago and it was when I was on a discord call with some friends and the low quality camera I bought for myself acted as basically softening filter and I thought I looked so fucking cute in those
7
🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 2.2yr
If you liked the camera's effects you would probably benefit from learning makeup as well, since it can make your skin look smoother. There's other nice things it can do too of course but that's one that can often help with looking more feminine. I believe there's also makeup techniques to hide beard shadows? Idk for sure though I have no experience.
Also yeah definitely grow out your hair first if you want long hair, it can do incredible work for how well you pass. It won't get you all of the way but it will get you more than you'd expect, especially when you style it femininely.
5
nathanfieldertulpa [she/her, it/its] - 2.2yr
i follow a bunch of communist transfems on tumblr and it's so much better for my mental health than any trans subreddit is, you could give that a try
23
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
One of my two trans woman friends convinced me to make a tumblr but honestly the website is kind of incoherent to me. What the fuck is a reblog? How am I supposed to interact with this website? I don't know, but it makes me want to go back to hexbear real fast. I got to learn how to meet real people though
22
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
I like tumblr in spirit, like it's got great stuff to look at sometimes, but it's also redditesque in that everyone is out for blood, you know the way. One large continuous struggle session.
7
Cromalin [she/her] - 2.2yr
tumblr is a website where you just follow a bunch of people who seem neat and then reblog posts that you like and think are worth sharing. reblog is just retweet except you can tag it with things to find later or add a comment
if you have any questions feel free to dm me and ill do my best to answer
6
Ceres [she/her] - 2.2yr
ive been meaning to give that a try, especially if its finally time to get off twitter, but don't know how to begin searching so which ones do you recommend? (or can dm)
13
nathanfieldertulpa [she/her, it/its] - 2.2yr
i sent you a DM, if anyone else wants a list just dm me
9
machiabelly [she/her] - 2.2yr
During my FFS post op she was looking over my record and said, "you really got everything on the menu, huh?" Literally every single part of my face went under the knife. Jaw, chin, brow, hairline, lip lift, fat grafting everywhere. I had the most masculine face humanly possible. I didn't pass a single time until after FFS. In high school people told me I looked like Ivan Doroschuk, the safety dance guy.
Also, their photos might not be showing their profile. Out of the trans women who do pass without FFS at least half of them only pass from the front. Its rare for anyone to pass from the side. Passing in general is more common if you're latina or east asian.
I just looked at r/transtimelines and it made me insecure, I'm 4.5 years hrt, 2 years post ffs. Don't hurt yourself sis <3
14
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
You might be surprised what 1,5 years of HRT can do, but yes, absolutely get off reddit, the trans community there is awful and the subs for transition timelines in particular are really bad for dysphoria. I had a legitimate crisis because researching too much on r/trangender_surgeries and seeing all these before-after pics of FFS amplified my face dysphoria to unbearable levels. That gets better when you stop going there, it's honestly shocking how much harm that place can cause.
Media hygiene is a core trans survival strategy in this day and age. If you find that content has a bad influence on you, drop that shit.
As far as finding a trans community irl goes, that can be tricky, but it's absolutely worth it. Nothing helps more than being in a room full of nice trans people, i actually feel normal in such a context. Not hidden in plain sight like when i'm stealth, not in disguise like when i was boymoding, but completely normal just by being my authentic self. That's priceless. But it can take a while to find an org where you fit in. Many of the cool ones do not advertise that much and kinda piggyback on established queer orgs in the area. Check if they're using nonbinary-inclusive language or if they stick to outdated terms like "transsexual" instead, the latter is a pretty reliable giveaway they're truscum. With pride season coming up, you may have more opportunities to find orgs that recruit mostly through word of mouth or by other offline means.
13
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
seeing all these before-after pics of FFS
Yea holy shit I'm so jealous now. :sicko-wistful:
7
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Oh. So if you live in a city, do a search for "Trans discord [city name]. Otherwise check with the lgbt center in the city to see if they have support groups. My support group got me through, idk a year of transition and I'm still going every week. I've met a few friends through it too. Once of them is one of my closest friends who I hang out with every Saturday. So yeah
12
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Yeah ffs feels more and more necessary for me day by day honestly. Damn
5
🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 2.2yr
Got catcalled for the first time the other night, pretty shitty ngl. If you expect it to feel euphoric it really doesn't, it was more along the lines of 'oh, I have to deal with this shit now.'
Otherwise dealing with the usual spring-special of seasonal depression making my dysphoria worse. At least it's not as bad as last year's now that I'm on HRT.
33
kristina [she/her] - 2.2yr
One time I got catcalled by a straight guy outside a lesbian bar and then he got up in my face and drunkenly asked me out as I was trying to go in
Drunk really isn't an excuse either
14
WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 2.2yr
If you expect it to feel euphoric it really doesn’t
I'd imagine it would partly depend on how much of a threat they seem to be? Only time I dealt with something that was somewhat ewwphoric was long before I realized I might not exactly be cis. But dealing probably accidental sexual harassment led to some mixed feelings (one of which was sorta happy to experiencing something I assume was more common for women... and that was a stronger feeling than the uncomfortableness), but like I didn't even think it was intentional and there wasn't really any perceived risk of escalation.
5
silent_water [she/her] - 2.2yr
I'd imagine it would partly depend on how much of a threat they seem to be?
not really, no. it's kind of always scary, even when the dude is like 80. there's always other dudes they're performing for.
5
milistanaccount09 [she/her] - 2.2yr
Yeah it's only recently started sinking in with me now that This Is My Life and I have to deal with misogyny all the time :/ fucking sucks
3
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
So after getting banned from the liberal sapphic book server for being "rude" to someone who identifies with settler-colonialism, (canadian nationalism is a disease) (oh look they tone policed a trans woman! big shock there!) I joined three new ones. 2/3 are kind of dead, like all places to discuss books with gays in, but maybe I can post hard and get them going again? And also I won't have to say 'another kkkracker down' to anybody?
It's kinda sad that I have way better results just yelling into Hexbear, quality userbase <3
31
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
someone who identifies with settler-colonialism
hang on, what? can... can you elaborate on that at all? did she elaborate on that at all?
10
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
Nah, just carrying on and fucking on about being french canadian all the time and how she wanted to see more stuff written by french canadians, clearly the most oppressed minority. I said "Like being french isn't bad enough, had to be canadian too, worst of both worlds" which broke the cracker. It was epic!
The context was that she was carrying on and on about french canadian cyberpunk, and before I cracked the cracker I had said that the only use for setting a cyberpunk narrative in Klanada would be to examine colonialism, which she promptly ignored, hence what I said. Something about the mixture of canadian nationalist undertones and how liberal cyberpunk is just, touched a nerve in me. I was pretty restrained though imo.
My thesis is, anyone who is fragile and white enough to be offended when I say "french bad" or "canada bad" deserves to feel offended. Don't identify with colonial projects, right? White people in shambles.
^ur^ ^welcome^ ^4^ ^this^ ^autism^ ^btw^
17
Moss [they/them] - 2.2yr
"Like being french isn't bad enough, had to be canadian too, worst of both worlds"
this is objectively funny and anyone who has a problem with this is a crakkker
14
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
2nd puberty has me feeling all kinds of weird lol
29
Ceres [she/her] - 2.2yr
in some ways im feeling more like a teenager than my first puberty where i was kinda just a reserved blank slate, have been finding myself more risk-prone and wanting to hide in my room than ever lol
23
WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 2.2yr
First puberty: "Oh, when did that hair appear? Its long enough that it must have been there awhile. How long has it been since I've actually looks at my own body?"
10
tamagotchicowboy [he/him] - 2.2yr
Voice seems to be passing better on the phone with the therapy things I've been trying, or I've run into less 'no you're not' sorts by pure luck. I hope this continues either way.
28
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
::: spoiler dysphoria talk
the big thing that i find both really empowering and really dysphoria inducing is the fact that i can't actually think of anything dysphoria inducing about me that i couldn't change with enough HRT, time, and electrolysis. Too much muscle? Rough, oily skin? Masc body fat distribution? Facial hair? yeah, these all make me feel awful and they all can go away, it's just going to take a lot of time waiting on the HRT to really kick in for that to go away and for now I'm just stuck with the body I don't like
Then it gets even funnier when I think about how I don't even think these are unappealing characteristics? I'm bi, these traits would look fucking great on someone else, but not me.
I really can look like the absolute doll of a girl that I can see in my head , I have absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I won't see her in the mirror one day
and in the mean time i'm stuck with this shit?FUCK
:::
27
Lenins_Cat_Reincarnated - 2.2yr
::: spoiler cw oversharing and dysphoria
I’m scared to transition because I have this feeling that everyone around me only likes me for my boobs and butt
My whole life I’ve basically been told by people around me and by the movies I watch that my worth comes 90% from my body and now I want to change that? I’ve learned how to use my body to charm people and because I’m pretty desperate for attention I’m scared I’ll lose that as well.
::: spoiler csa
When I was a kid I always wanted to be part of the boys group, but it happened more than once that those boys saw my eagerness to hang out with them and they used that to violate me.
:::
I’d really like to talk with a professional about this while I transition but the only option to transition for me is if I pay it myself and with as little appointments as possible because there’s way too much demand for transgender healthcare. So I’m scared to make the decision to start hrt because I won’t have anyone to guide me through it.
26
TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 2.2yr
Those are all normal apprehensions, I'm on the other side of the binary but feelings are similar. Just because they're typical concerns doesn't mean they shouldn't feel big - they should and do - but you're hardly the first and only man to feel the way you do. Which means you can overcome these even though they are very big problems and anxieties.
Firstly, for me and many trans people, HRT was the best decision of our lives. T is different than E, it works much faster and does different stuff but the feeling is still there.
Secondly, IF YOU CHOOSE you can keep your curves. There are curvy cis guys, they're hot, there are trans guys that choose to keep them and they're very handsome. You don't have to, top surgery can take down your chest (and you get to customize if you have nipples or not which is neat).
Considering the abuse you've been through, you probably should be going to therapy - that's a lot of trauma. You're very strong for how far you've come. Yeah everything takes time, but you can take diy HRT prior to getting a prescription for it. If there are any IRL lgbt support groups you should join them (careful, you'll probably come away with a new romantic partner from it lol happens to all of us). Hopefully there's another trans guy there who can help guide you, especially if you're going down the diy route.
To me, I think it's totally a cool coincidence that the feminizing hormones are gentle and take their time and the masculinizing hormone goes hard and quick but it kinda sucks here for you. You can stop any time, it's allowed. You can stop and pick it back up. You can choose not to start HRT! That's a valid way of being a trans man (sounds like you'd rather have it though).
You sound like a very strong, tough man and I wish the best for you.
18
Lenins_Cat_Reincarnated - 2.2yr
Thanks for the super nice response:)
I’m in therapy for my trauma but the clinic I go to can’t help me with any gender related issues I have. But joining a support group is a great idea and I hadn’t really considered that option lol thanks for the suggestion
It seems very obvious now, and is probably obvious to all you lovely people, but I hadn't thought about a strong aversion to mirrors being a sign of being trans. I have hated mirrors/pictures of myself for as long as I can remember, sometimes neglecting hygiene because of it tbh. I know most people aren't like a huge fan but fuck do I hate it. And apparently so do a lot of transpeople
25
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
It was honestly one of those things that finally clicked for me after the fact that my egg cracked. Just a big ol’ revelation of why I hate having my pic taken.
14
lapis [fae/faer, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
very big same here!
conversely, I have taken more selfies in the past few months, since the effects of my hormonal transition started being visible, than I had in at least a decade prior.
11
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
The best feeling is staring into mirrors for minutes at a time, after years of avoiding them.
9
Moss [they/them] - 2.2yr
Yeah that sounds about right. I've never enjoyed looking in mirrors or at photos of myself because I do not like the way that I look.
5
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
Before I realized I was trans mirrors made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I couldn't put my finger on why, my egg brain told me that it was because I was anxious that something was watching me in the background, but obvs that was just repression.
I keep having dysphoria revelations today and I don’t like this
::: spoiler more dysphoria talk
holy shit the reason why I don’t talk to myself anymore and gradually stopped doing it starting around middle school is the dysphoria. Isn’t it. I’ve subconsciously stopped using my voice when alone because I’m uncomfortable with it. As a kid I used to write stories by narrating them out loud to myself and I haven’t felt that fountain of creativity for years and the voice dysphoria is a big part of that, isn’t it. My brain really was doing the most in order to keep my dysphoria hidden from me, how have I not realized this until now.
:::
25
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
I’ve subconsciously stopped using my voice when alone because I’m uncomfortable with it.
Holy shit I didn't realize until now, but yea same. I'll still "talk" but there's no noise. Go through all the motions of speaking without the voice (idk if this makes sense).
I should try voice training :/
19
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
Yeah, in the rare occasions when I do talk to myself these days my voice generally comes out as a weird quiet half-whisper, and it feels so awkward to me that I generally won’t talk for long.
Good luck on voice training if you go for it, I should do some of it too. Admittedly I feel quite lucky that T deepens the voice, I wish E did the reverse for transfem comrades.
16
crosswind [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
It's crazy how variable pronoun usage of any kind is once you start paying attention to it. Like, you'd think a fairly consistent percentage of the words of any conversation would be pronouns, but a lot of the time it's either a drought or a downpour.
Anyway for like a month my friends have just naturally not used my pronouns, and my family has been misgendering me like crazy, and I am gritting my teeth waiting for it to start swinging the other way.
25
SorosFootSoldier [he/him, they/them] - 2.2yr
Yes, yes I am late, or am I just on time?
23
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
::: spoiler cw dysphoria
I’m not having a good dysphoria day comrades. A few days ago I was thinking of doing some activities out in public (covid-safely of course) but now just the thought of going outside and getting perceived as my agab is making me nauseous. I feel like hiding away in a hole. This body isn’t mine.
:::
22
DerEwigeAtheist [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Today I found out that I pass, from behind. People perceive me as a women, and then, sadly, apologize when I turn around. At least it is a flattering assesment of my haircare skills.
22
windowlicker [she/her] - 2.2yr
had a quick scare about running out of hrt, but that has been solved and i will not be running out. aside from a few extremely dysphoric moments over the last week, i've been relatively pleased with my hrt progress so far! hips are noticeably larger than usual, skin is looking so much clearer, my hair is looking a lot healthier, and i just generally think i look more feminine. unfortunately still getting misgendered all the time though, so its hard to stay excited.
22
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
Join the trans militia today, and you too can help liquidate the cishet menace and defeat the cishet patriarchy forever!
22
iridaniotter [she/her] - 2.2yr
Just did my laundry. Doing my part by releasing endocrine-disrupting microplastics onto the populace
11
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
6
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
Im doing my part!!!
7
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
5
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
trip report from shopping for fun girl clothes at H&M:
No, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, looks cute but they only have medium and small in stock, no, no, no, no, your coworker from the other department, no, no, OH FUCK, YOUR COWORKER??? ABORT NOW
22
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Woah only medium and smalls? My local H&M always has some larges and XL's. I'm a large or xl myself (sometimes xxl) which is pretty annoying. I'm not even that big my upper body is just pretty muscular.
Have you tried going to thrift shops yet? Alot of places sort by size there and that can make it way way easier
9
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
honestly i think it was just bad luck. they'll probably get more Ls and XLs in by next week. still really disappointing though
6
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Yeah :/ idk what your body type is but I absolutely LOVE these pants I got h&m ( link. They do so much for hips and just look so cute. Then pair it with some tight top and it's just amazing, maybe a sports bra. I have some recommendations if you like
8
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
yeah :( idk i think i have to take a bit of a break from clothes at the moment. it is really fucking hard
7
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
It is. Do you have friends to go with? It can be really scary. If there are any queer centric thrift shops near you those can be pretty comfy places.
6
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
It is. Do you have friends to go with?
oh god, you think i had the courage to do it without my friends? i don't know if i have it in me to do it without. i might one day but not for right now
5
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Lol the first time I did it it was by myself and it was so so so scary. Same with going out in girlmode - went out foe the first time in another city in another country. I can't describe to you how scared I was haha. Absolutely mortified.
6
Thordros [he/him, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
My son's bringing a boy home tomorrow. I think I'll try to be as cringe as possible, like a normal dad.
Current plan: play Factorio on the living room TV, and say, "Hey buddy! Wanna come play choo-choo trains with me?!?"
e: Yes, I am aware that this is not the Trains Megathread. I learned my lesson last time.
22
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
Favors called in, strings pulled, I got a friend of a friend asking around to get me some E so I don't have to wait 2 months for an appointmemt
21
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
alright, look i need to figure a passable excuse to justify buying a pair of cat ears
21
WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 2.2yr
To have cat ears.
11
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
you make a solid argument
10
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
Are you getting the ones with the little bells on them?
11
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
i was thinking of getting atleast one pair from here
i see that atleast one has bells...
10
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
These look very cute!
9
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
oh i loooooove the ones with earrings on them
9
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
Absolutely! I've found out i'm more of a flower headband kind of girl, but these look really tempting.
8
Edie [it/its] - 2.2yr
OMG, They are so cute and cool.
7
🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 2.2yr
Highly recommend the bell ones, my own set of cat ears came with them and I honestly like the bells more than the ears at this point.
6
da_gay_pussy_eatah [she/her] - 2.2yr
Halloween is coming uhhhhhhh soon :3
10
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
It's always Halloween somewhere in the World.....yeah that's good.
10
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
Im going to buy a pair of pink cat ear gaming headphones does that count??? 🐱🐱🐱
6
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
i saw a pair or attachable cat ears on etsy, would go well with my way too expensive headset might work for you too
4
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
No, no Im getting one of those headsets with the cat ears built in, you know the pink one. :)
4
GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2.2yr
hell yeah, gurlllll
5
JohannaChittarra - 2.2yr
down with cis
21
DerEwigeAtheist [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Whenever I am feeling down I end up searching AO3 for fics about YA novels, but the main character is trans.
I even did that before I realized that I was trans. Like, the most cis habit to have, comfort reading trans fanfic. I once met some trans people irl as an egg, and they were very kind to me. I must have been quite obvious
21
🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 2.2yr
Based, one of my pick-me-ups is reading Ao3-original transbian romances. Unfortunately almost every smut on there has something in it that's a turn off for me but the romances hit the right spot of comfy and easy to read.
18
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
Hi do you have any that you recommend? I collect stuff like this ✨
talking about the dead name, male persona i have to put on at work now like it's a D&D character
20
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Omg yeah I been doing this for the last year but really in earnest the last 6 months (for me at least, it didn't get hard until I started to be out in my regular life).
In general what's the dress code like where you work? At my work they don't gaf about what I wear for the most part. What I did is I got a few hoodies (they sell women's hoodies at H&M that frankly look very gender neutral but are very slightly fem).
I wear men's jeans but they are very gender neutral. I could easily wear some mom jeans, these pants just work for me.
Then I wear docs. Docs are great because they are very lez and comfy and they also are super super gender neutral leaning femme.
All of this is very gender neutral but also keeps my mental from going too crazy. I can still see myself in the mirror. Sometimes I get some stares and double takes (especially with my hair up) which is pretty cool but overall nobody has made any mention to me and they still all gender me male (blegh).
15
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
In general what's the dress code like where you work? At my work they don't gaf about what I wear for the most part.
It's food service, which means that everyone wears the same very gender neutral uniform, which sucks. I'm also probably just going to quit and move on as soon as I feel like I can present femme in a full time job environment though, so this job is just temporary for me
12
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Yeah that sucks I'm sorry. But yeah it will be nice to quit when you're ready and just be femme all the time :3
12
Florn [they/them] - 2.2yr
What class
13
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
Sad
16
DerEwigeAtheist [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
I also feel like a lot of my interactions are me putting on a show. It's fun, like a puzzle, read peoples expectations, and play with them. Redirect attention to things I don't mind, instead of actually personal stuff. I have built a good character, was fun to incorporate, but it's probably not the ideal way to relate to the world. And it didn't make me happy, because I myself didn't actually self actualize.
9
imogen_underscore [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
hi comrades:)
never catch the threads this early normally. i hope you're all doing ok, i'm drinking a tasty espresso and trying to have a peaceful start to my day because i've been dysregulated af recently.
i've been tuning in to the LGR Bird Feed a very relaxing bird feeder + nest cam stream setup by a nerd type youtuber i like.
i have a bunch of work to do in the next week and a bit planning a big move to another country with my gfs. it's very scary and stressful but we think our lives will improve a lot if we pull it off:)
20
HexReplyBot [none/use name] - 2.2yr
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I'm very afraid of changing my presentation because I'm afraid other people won't like it. Which I know is stupid but I really want to avoid that. When I have changed things in the past I've always felt like I needed a big justification and a big build up to actually doing it.
I wanna dye my hair white. I've wanted to for years but have been afraid of other people not liking it. Why must I rely on other people for validation why am I like this
20
good_girl [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
Gods I'm the same way, even though I've come out to some friends, I'm deathly afraid to change my presentation until I can somehow 'prove' myself. In my mind, that way is to have a 'presentable' voice and hide my facial hair shadow (or be rid of it completely), and until those things happen I'll be constantly thinking about it.
Luckily I don't externalize these feelings and I'm incredibly jealous of the trans people who can socially present the way they want to without fear of judgement, but we're always harshest on ourselves right?
14
Moss [they/them] - 2.2yr
I'm deathly afraid to change my presentation until I can somehow 'prove' myself.
This is it exactly for me. I always feel like I need to earn a change. Like, I'll change when I'm skinnier, when I have more money, when I have better clothes, or whatever
7
Moss [they/them] - 2.2yr
UPDATE: i cut my hair this morning. im happy with it. feels good
6
🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 2.2yr
Speaking personally, I find people like it when I present the way I want to way more than when I present in the way I'm expected to. Presenting as yourself just looks better and more natural and people can tell.
Obviously there are cases where safety is a concern, but dying your hair is a relatively safe thing to do to test the waters for a presentation change. Also, worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out it's always temporary, especially if you're just going to dye it white it wouldn't be that hard to dye it to another colour if you end out unhappy with it.
6
milistanaccount09 [she/her] - 2.2yr
I love trans women :)
20
Wake [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
Finally got a call back from the informed consent Dr. I sent in my information 6 weeks ago and almost completely forgot about it. My appointment is 2 months away and I'm kinda freaking out about it. Things are getting real and it's exciting and scary all at once.
19
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
my dysphoria feels like one of those fire risk needle signs where it keep fluctuating between "nah you're good" and "i might kill someone if it would get me estrogen a day sooner". unfortunately, today is one of the bad days
19
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
looking in the mirror and oh my god my hair looks gorgeous now that i have a bunch of shampoo and conditioner in it. if only it were like 7 times longer than it is now
18
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
NEW MEGA HYPE!!!
18
Edie [it/its] - 2.2yr
I shall like to remind all my trans comrades (actually, all lemmy comrades, but whatever) that deletion does not actually delete a comment, I just pulled quickquestion's comment to aru. You must edit your comment to actually make it unreadable.
Edit: I looked into it a bit, and it seems that after 30 days, a comment is supposed to be permanently deleted (overwritten). Although, after checking with my own comments, some of them weren't overwritten, so for important things overwrite/edit them yourself.
18
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
Really? I thought it would completely remove it. This is good to know information.
12
Des [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
i did the thing. came out to based trans co-worker, we had a cool discussion.
now i will stop posting about this because when she shows up here i don't want her to identify my account lol
might delete later
18
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
Can someone please help me deal with some of my ? This is kind of embarrassing to post so please try not to judge me. I'm trying to do better
::: spoiler cw for transphobia about masc trans people (I still love you all)
I don't really know how to put it. I suppose when I hear of someone being trans masc I just feel a bit sad? I know I should be happy for them living their best life, and I am, but part of me just feels like its a shame I guess? Just like "destroying" their femininity. I know its wrong to feel this way (its their body, they're happier, etc), but I just do I guess. Like a gut reaction. Am I just doomed to have that emotional reaction and try to respond "using my head"?
:::
18
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
hair on your ass
hair down to your ass
18
Wake [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
Does anyone have experience with the US postal system in an employment capacity? I guess what I mean is it a safe job to have and transition in? I need to find different employment and I've heard it's trans friendly.
18
FemboyStalin [she/her,any] - 2.2yr
I met a trans woman letter carrier once. She seemed to really like her job but I didn't get to know her well enough to know deeper thoughts on it.
17
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
I am incredibly jealous of women doing those like "tik tok" dances with all the fancy footwork. I wish I was cute, skilled, and having a good time :sicko-wistful: I keep watching this same video and it's just mesmerizing. I want to be her.
18
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
It’s weird because I’ve known I was trans for several years now yet I still feel like I’m discovering things about myself. Like I just had the realization that I generally try to spend as little time in front of the mirror as possible (outside of the times I’m trying to do some fashion stuff) and when I do look in the mirror I very often feel like I’m looking at a stranger. I don’t dislike how this stranger looks nor do I have any visceral reaction towards them but they aren’t exactly me. I feel like I generally don’t think much about this sense of depersonalization because I unconsciously spend a lot of energy trying to bury it, hence why I just realized that I’m not a fan of mirrors. There seems to be this engine that runs in my brain that constantly works to shield me from feeling acutely dysphoric, which on the one hand I appreciate but on the other hand it probably has burned a ton of calories on essentially nothing productive haha.
18
TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 2.2yr
Oh yeah me too, I never looked in the mirror since about puberty to one year on hrt lol. Same with videos and pictures. Couldn't have told you why before my egg cracked
6
WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 2.2yr
I didn't realize how much I avoided mirrors until after thinking I didn't really experience much dysphoria. Brains are incredible sometimes....
4
Babs [she/her] - 2.2yr
Anyone have experience with getting a US passport? I have my birth certificate and valid ID, but the names don't match. I had a court-ordered name change in another state, but don't remember exactly when or where and I don't know how to look it up to order a copy. It was well over a decade ago. My birth state makes it very easy to amend birth certificates, but the processing time is lengthy and I haven't needed to do it yet. It's on my list, but can I get a passport without waiting on that?
17
milistanaccount09 [she/her] - 2.2yr
I'm not sure you'd be able to get it without your name change; I assume your valid ID has the name you want the passport to have?
I would honestly still say try for it: I took all my documents to the post office and got rejected the first time for one reason or another, and then came back the next week with like the same paperwork and they let me through? Like worst case scenario they turn you away and you have to come back with more documents, I don't think it's the end of the world. They might even be able to help you figure out where to look for your name change.
2
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
always hate this sterotype that trans girls always want to be a barbie doll! i don't! i always thought of myself as more of a polly pocket type of girl
17
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
Gods. I just wanna channel somewhat chubby soccer mom vibes, ngl.
13
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
absolute 12/10 vibes. very good
10
iridaniotter [she/her] - 2.2yr
Oh hey I played with polly pocket when I was growing up! I remember having a water slide toy.
10
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
when you earn the title of "best wingwoman in the world" for hooking your friend up with what might legitimately be the hottest trans polycule in the state and can't write an appropriate brag post about the entire saga because it would both be too horny and would run the risk of doxxing some or all of us
17
Wake [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
I don't know who it is that is always talking about using an IPL for hair but I wanna say that it really works. I've been using one on my legs, on your recommendation, for the last month or so and yeah there is a serious decline in regrowth. So thanks for the recommendation whoever you are.
17
lapis [fae/faer, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
I really need to try IPL on my legs! I'm just so lazy about shaving 'em in the first place, due to all the ingrown hairs that tends to result in...
but I've have great luck with IPL on my torso hair! not so much my facial hair, sadly – after two months, it's definitely lighter/splotchier on my cheeks, but the area around my mouth is still thick with functioning hair follicles (I think this area had thicker hair to begin with, though).
10
AutomatedPossum [she/her] - 2.2yr
I talked to my dermatologist about IPL and according to her, IPL has lasting results when the follicles aren't too deep under the skin. The shins were her example for a place where it makes sense to try IPL, even a home device, whereas face and back were her examples for where you shouldn't bother and go for laser or electrolysis instead.
I've had 8 or 9 laser sessions on my face now and the reduction in growth is pretty drastic. Never could grow more beard than a heisenberg, but used to be that i had to shave twice a day on the chin and upper lip to make dysphoria bearable and now i'm at the point were i just don't have a real 5 o'clock shadow and only see a few isolated spots of stubble after two days without shaving. Like, i'm literally at a point were stubble is the last thing on my mind when i use concealer and foundation. I've dumped about 1k into this to get here, but it was absolutely worth it, i feel so much better, get clocked so much less etc.
10
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
One day ill be just like you 😁😁😁
8
lapis [fae/faer, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
yeah, I know IPL isn't great for the face, but it seemed worth a shot, y'know? at least it's helping a tiny bit while I'm waiting to be able to build a Sphynx (latest dev log).
7
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
I am looking forward to that so much, hair removal is just so expensive.
5
lapis [fae/faer, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
very much same, I straight-up cannot remotely afford it (my state doesn’t force insurance to cover hair removal, sadly).
4
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
prescription was filled. literally the only thing i have to do now is go to the pharmacy to pick it up tomorrow
17
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
I see the beautiful nonbinary goth lesbian. I say, she can fix me!
16
Ocommie63 [she/her] - 2.2yr
Hello all!!! 👋👋👋 I hope you are having and will have a good week!!! Much love 🥰🥰🥰 and down with cis!!! 🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️✊✊✊🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️
16
BioWarfarePosadist [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
So I'm out at work, but still not out to my family. Anyone else do this?
16
TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 2.2yr
I did for a couple years
15
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
My family is always the last to know things like this, I completely understand it being easier to come out to coworkers then family.
9
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
ah fuck, it's lesbian visibility week? they know, they can see me
15
DerEwigeAtheist [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
I really like painting my nails, as i recently discovered, but buying new colours is so expensive, and if one makes a mistake, it is a kinda expensive mistake, also I don't need a full bottle, just to try things. I guess the ideal solution would be founding a nailpolish club, or something, where people could pool ressources. That is however way above my current comfort level, also I don't have the social connections to start one really.
In slightly related news, I have been unable to go to a meeting of local lgbtq+ ppl, due to their online presence being closed off. Their website hasn't been update since before I moved here. Their alternative is an instagramm page, I don't have an insta account, and I also don't want one to just look at a jpeg, but I might just have to do it anyway. They change location every meeting, which seems like good opsec in a rightwing place, but is deeply frustrating to me, in the moment.
15
🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 2.2yr
If you can find it where you live, Sinful Colours is really nice quality and super cheap, like 3-6 dollars a bottle. I believe the majority if not all of their stuff is vegan too
5
DerEwigeAtheist [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
I was also at my hairdresser today, and she actually complimented my haircare. Considering the state it was in when I first visited (very bad, I was completly lost), it's something I am very happy about. I love going there, because it is very relaxing, and I can chat about haircare, and learn new things each time.
15
RION [she/her] - 2.2yr
the mega's kind zoomin this week huh
15
nathanfieldertulpa [she/her, it/its] - 2.2yr
::: spoiler venting
i love getting deadnamed without a correction/apology by someone i've been out to for 4 months :))))
:::
15
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
i don't feel like a girl
i will one day though
15
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
oh god oh fuck i'll probably be on estrogen in 24 hours holy fuck
Hanging out in the mega with all of you has made me woefully aware of how bad I am at femme stuff I would love to give advice on femme hairstyles and fashion and you would think I'd have some knowledge about it all considering I spent 16 years of my life nominally as a girl, but I keep drawing blanks. (It's not even that I don't enjoy feminine fashion, I actually like wearing dresses and skirts, but I was only able to start caring about it once I discovered I wasn't a girl myself. And also I have no idea how to style long hair.)
14
Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 2.2yr
I didn't think I'd be interested in dating for at least a couple of years after starting transitioning since I was so uncomfortable with my body.
But now I actucally like my face and most of my body quite a bit, and I'd kinda like to try some stuff now that I can actually be myself in a relationship. On the other hand, there's still parts of my body, like my upper chest, I get pretty dyshoric about so maybe it's better to wait until I'm more comfortable. Idk, it's a confusing feeling, I want to experience things but another part of me wants to hold back at the same time.
14
SexUnderSocialism [she/her] - 2.2yr
We live in a cis-iety.
14
good_girl [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
Saw myself in our full length mirror last night after showering and I didn't totally hate what I saw.
Defo inspiration to start exercising.
14
Kiagz [she/her] - 2.2yr
Wow, I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair looked really nice and I actually felt happy about my appearance for once. The euphoria was so strong it made me cry tears of joy, which I don't think has ever happened to me before. Yeah, I might be struggling with every other aspect of my life, but at least I get to be a cute trans girl!
14
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
appointment is for 11 on Saturday but you got work at 2
okay whatever, i can grab the stuff after the appointment
appointment goes until like 12:30
okay whatever, i can grab the stuff tomorrow
fucking pharmacy is closed on Sunday
14
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
AH FUCK I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL FROM PLANNED PARENTHOOD LIKE AN HOUR AGO AND I MISSED IT
13
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
News from the internet frontline: in the most active of the new Sapphic Book discords I joined, one of the regulars posted this meme:
Which mood, and also I seem to be in better company than I was in the lib cracker discord, cause it got a lotta good reacts :)
13
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
i knew going through HRT would be basically a second puberty but honestly I've been so moody/hormonal in the last month I think just telling myself I'm trans has fucked with my hormones subtly. I haven't felt like this since I was like 17
13
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
one of the best parts about being trans now is that i actually like myself enough to say nice things about myself and genuinely believe them. I was completely and utterly incapable of doing that when I was "cis". That dumb Family Guy ramble was absolute top tier posting, and it was really funny. I'm not funny, I'm a fucking riot, and I actually believe myself when I say that now
13
GunslingerSky [she/her] - 2.2yr
Think I'm probably asexual, but I'm going through the same thoughts I had when I was first contemplated my gender so now I'm just confused
13
SnowySkyes - 2.2yr
Been a rough couple days. Really hoping things calm down a bit so I can be around a bit more.
::: spoiler CW: Bottom surgery talk, cycle talk, and talk of emotions
Been having a pretty severe issue with my GI tract this week. Not gonna get into it, but I’m starting to become concerned. I’m hoping it’s not a severe complication.
On top of those physical problems, it’s been a rough week emotionally. Bring cooped up and unable to do things for myself is starting to affect me. I just wanna make some breakfast for myself. Gimme like 20 minutes to make a nice bowl of zosui damn it.
Also I slammed directly into my cycle tonight, so that’s going to make matters even worse. It seems it is going to heavily affect my emotions this time around as my brain is attempting to make me cry heavily every time I think of anything that triggers nostalgia or childhood memories. Which is more or less where my only remaining dysphoria lies. Things I can’t fix. Well, hopefully I escape the cramps unlike how I didn’t during the days immediately post-op. Feeling strong cramps right after you’ve had major surgery is actually a nightmare.
Coupled with some external problems and I’m just exhausted emotionally. I didn’t think post-op would be so taxing in the mind, but just the body. Can’t wait to be healed.
:::
13
Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 2.2yr
Weird thing about presenting as a woman outside is that there's now a sub-species of guy who will literally make zero effort to not crash into you if you're walking in opposite directions on a sidewalk.
13
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
can't post late at night because i live on the US west coast and everyone else is asleep. gotta save my banger post for tomorrow morning. going to ask about what your totally 100% very cis thoughts you had as an egg were
12
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
::: spoiler autism and gender intersect in really incredibly unfunny ways
What the actual fuck, dude. This whole fucking gender thing, as in the two that E*rope assholes forced on everybody, is literally fake. The labsls, the associations, gendered things, they are entirely socially constructed. Literally completely, an imperialist fever dream I think. That's what reading Gender Outlaw and then The Gender Accelerationist Manifesto is like.
So hey what the fuck, am I an idiot for calling myself a lesbian? Or a woman, maybe. Because what the fuck right, no one aspect of humans, physical or mental or emotional, is inherently gendered, at all. Stupid fucking idea. So if "woman" is just a vague collection of physical aspects, then "lesbian" is only even kind of a sexuality label. It doesn't indicate if you prefer long hair or short hair, wide hips or slim ones, high voices or low ones, fuck it doesn't even reliably say what sex hormone you prefer in a partner? What the fuck does it even mean, aside from the queer cultural association I guess... it doesn't stop being "lesbian" if you include nonbinary people in that, right? But then what the hell even is the definition of "lesbian"? Not really "woman liker".
So if that's the case, (maybe it isn't Idk) then what the fuck does identifying as a "woman" even mean? I guess it's comfortable to me because it's associated with femininity, I guess. But having long legs or thick thighs or incredibly long hair or boobs or soft skin or small shoulders(not necessarily in width terms) aren't actually gendered at all. Maybe cisnormative views would say those are woman traits, but there are enbies and agender people and genderfluid people and even fuckin' dudes that have some or all of those traits. So um what the fuck??
"Women" actually did get debunked. Motherfucker.... This has busted my brain in half in a way that's kind of making me panic, Idek what to feel. Thanks for reading my absurdity?
:::
12
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
i have no real way of saying it but i only ever felt like i was male ironically. this feels weird for a trans girl to say, but like, the most relatable fictional character i felt growing up was Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. Like, the masculinity was just a dumb act.
"Look at me. I have big muscles and big mustache. I trim this big fucking mustache every morning! I took this job because I hate big government and so I can ensure nothing ever gets done. I hate government and love America and the Constitution and the flag! I don't trust banks so I store my money by burying gold in the fucking woods. The same woods where I have my log cabin where I go hunting in because I love hunting and eating lots of meat! I was a central character in a show that ran for 7 seasons and I only smiled like 3 times. I'm the manliest man on earth and no one else comes close, and as my reward I get to wear a visibly miserable stoic scowl in literally every scene for the rest of my life
at some point writing that i think i forgot that i was pretending to be ron swanson. honestly it's been like 8 years since i've seen that show anyway what the fuck do i remember of it
12
WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 2.2yr
Honestly wouldn't be surprised if I accidentally laughed at guys trying to be masculine thinking it was just an act making fun of masculinity because who would seriously do that?
4
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
That's always how I've felt, even now!. I can't look at the big guy in the oversized F350 child crusher who works construction or whatever as someone who is genuinely happy with themselves. Like, do you actually enjoy playing this dumb contest with Andrew Tate where you try and out compete each other for #1 man status?
4
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
There are types of maleness and masculinity that are enjoyable to people, but that one sure ain't it.
4
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
yeah it's like, do you really enjoy that?. if you do, then that's great but like, oh that just sounds awful to me
3
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
I'm pretty sure the F350 childcrusher construction-is-manly guy is a toxic maaculinity thing, and is universally agreed to be awful :) real truck fans drive a Chevy C10 with an LS1 swapped in. A useless chonky F350 is penis enlargement pills by comparison.
Bit idea: bumper sticker that says MY TRUCKS GOT NUTS CAUSE I LOST MINE IN VIETNAM
4
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
Bit idea: bumper sticker that says MY TRUCKS GOT NUTS CAUSE I LOST MINE IN VIETNAM
3
Leon_Frotsky [she/her] - 2.2yr
posting to friends like im in transgendercirclejerk but unironically rn. making a long list of which historical periods are fembrained or masc brained rn, was having trouble with the islamic caliphate, but decided that the Ummayads were gender neutral brained, and all the other iterations of the Caliphates were masc brained but Al Andalus and the Ayyubid Sultanate were fembrained
12
Erika3sis [she/her, xe/xem] - 2.2yr
7
Leon_Frotsky [she/her] - 2.2yr
im spreading the brain rot to other people smh:
9
alexandra_kollontai [she/her] - 2.2yr
Love the username, 10/10
3
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
So like idk this is a vent post and I have a lot of fear wrapped up in this but recently my mental health has been quite bad. I am starting to think its my estrogen but really it started after a mushroom trip that left me with a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts and anxieties (about 2 months ago). Those specific anxieties have mostly dissipated but I'm still left with this feeling of... general anxiety in my chest. Like, it feels hard to breathe kind of? Everything feels overwhelming. And I've noticed that this gets worse when I inject estrogen, and honestly this scares the fuck out of me.
Before this trip honestly I felt for the most part better than I ever have in my entire life. I was so sure that I was a trans woman. I was on the right path. But now it's like, the estrogen seems to be making me feel like shit? Idk what to do. I don't wanna get off estrogen, I don't want to go back to being a man that's for sure. But like I can't even think straight. I feel miserable and I'm scared I was never meant to be a woman or I made all this up in my head and it'll be like this forever. It's incredibly scary.
Honestly idk what to do. I'm 5 Months in. Maybe my levels are too high? Idk. Maybe I need to get my levels checked
12
Moss [they/them] - 2.2yr
I'd like to come out but I really don't want it to be a big deal. I know most people in my life would be very supportive, but I also know that a lot of them (the straight ones) will make it a big thing. I came out as pan to a few people and got hugs and encouragement and "I'm so proud of you." That's very nice and they acted with good intentions and I'm sure a lot of people would like that. But the best reaction, and the one I'm looking for, is just a thumbs up and an "ok". Like I dont want it to matter to anyone that I'm pansexual and agender. But I gotta tell people at some point.
Also I don't dislike the people who do a big celebration, I know they're happy for me. But I just want to be more low-key in general
12
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
Is there a way you could tell them that? Maybe over a text or something?
6
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
Do I actually need a gender label? What if I just didn't have one?? There is a tiny part of me that longs for the rigid structure of the "woman" box, and I could still very roughly fit that, but also my authentic self does not really fit that box, so.
11
EpicKebabEater [he/him, it/its] - 2.2yr
Cw for mentions of suicidality and childhood trauma.
Had a conversation with my mother yesterday where it seemed like she finally came to accept me but talking to her today, nothing has changed since my childhood where I was constantly of ending it. I can only get HRT because she does not know and if I keep living with her, which seems to be the case, I can only keep her from running her mouth by threatening to leave and basically babysitting her. She doesn't understand she did anything wrong and will never understand.
11
iridaniotter [she/her] - 2.2yr
That's awful, I'm sorry.
3
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
I’m so tired all the time and I know part of it is the ADHD and the OCD but also I wonder how much of it is the background dysphoria. It feels like I’m treading water through life. HRT save me…
11
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
OCD fucking sucks. Not entirely sure I have it but I def have some symptoms and estrogen made them worse for me... don't know which way you're going. Harder to tell the intrusive thoughts to fuck off on estrogen :/ I also have ADHD
5
khizuo [ze/zir] - 2.2yr
I’m going the opposite direction, so idk. I’ve lived with pretty severe OCD for years now so I highly doubt testosterone would make it worse, though. OCD is so painfully difficult to deal with too, out of my personal cocktail of brain problems it’s probably the one that causes me the most distress. I hope you can find some way to deal with the symptoms, I know how hard they can be.
3
Jenniferrr [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
Yeah I mean T is kind of a mood stabilizer honestly but idk. Yeah, it's been driving me crazy. It has been kind of back and forth in my life and honestly I don't think it gets to clinical OCD levels but I do get intrusive thoughts and irrational worries that just never ever leave my brain and I have to do all sorts of rumination and get stuck in thought loops to try and get rid of the intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I waste hours doing compulsions. I just hope it goes away eventually :/
4
DerEwigeAtheist [she/her, comrade/them] - 2.2yr
I have my first meeting at a second hormone doctor this friday, this time one with recommendations of the local trans community, hopefully it goes better than last time. Also I should probably tell my father what's going on, sometimes soon. I am horrible at lying, it basically only works for me by keeping people from asking the right questions, and he is surely going to ask the right questions soon anyway.
11
grym - 2.2yr
First laser removal session in an hour, to find a nice cheap place recommended by trans friends I had to go to another town by train and walk, its like in the middle of a commercial/industrial area thats just for cars, lame.
Feeling excited and nervous. Also extremely dysphoric since I'm unshaven, stressed, couldn't put anything on my face and I'm in a laser clinic with mostly women going by and looking at my gross face
11
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
Today is a Genderweird day
11
Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 2.2yr
Wish I could wear my hair up and still feel good, but I need it to hide how square my forehead is and my sharp jawline. Once it doesn't do that my face looks 10 times more masc and I hate it :/
11
SexUnderSocialism [she/her] - 2.2yr
I just saw an IKEA commercial on TV which had a in it, and as soon as I saw that I was like
11
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
2 cheap screwdrivers drunk and keep thinking about how much it hurt being attracted to women in a way that i wanted them to be attracted to me and how that just couldn't happen. i was always gay for women. fuck
11
Alisu [she/her, they/them] - 2.2yr
I've been thinking of getting hormones, but that might be such a hassle and also, having to come out to my family, absolutely fucking not no no no no no no. My parents are very nice to me, they're really cool, except they are republican level conservatives and transphobes. I also have no means of supporting myself yet, and even if I had, i wouldn't want to cut ties with them, even if they say some of the worst transphobic shit I've ever heard. Some times I want to just lash out and point everything that's wrong with what they say, but I know they don't care.
10
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
feeling my trans femme levels go down at the end of every week as i wait for the next trans mega to be posted
10
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
So uh 👉 👈 anyone have any ideas for things someone wanting to try out being transfem could do (ideally without having to buy stuff, that's hard for me logistically)? I've already been shaving and liking it, I'd kinda like to try on cute clothes but :sicko-wistful: I'm just not really able to atm.
10
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
Intensity scale of angry screamy transfem music goes like
Underscores -> Sleigh Bells -> Black Dresses
I think, Idk that's my vibes-based screamy noisy analysis. Also I'm claiming Sleight Bells from everyone else and declaring it Transfem, lel.
9
EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2.2yr
just got some fun thick thigh high socks coming in the mail. i'll be able to put them on after work :3
9
rtstragedy - 2.2yr
i think I am becoming a catgirl. is there like a guide on how not to be cringe but still wear cute ears and enjoy heatpats? (edit: other catgirls are not cringe, but I would be) (edit: this post is a mess I'm removing the self upvote)
9
BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 2.2yr
The more I think about it the more I wish I was a woman/feminine. It feels really weird wanting that when I'm masc right now. I think if I was more fem I'd feel less weird about it, if that makes sense. I don't really know what to do about it either, I don't really have the ability to change my presentation that much irl though. I still feel like a guy who wants to become a girl too.
8
ashinadash [she/her] - 2.2yr
When will I quit fucking around and go back to reading Gay? Unjust Depths, or the new Gretchen Felker Martin that's coming out? Even a Lily Seabrooke ffs, where has my Words On A Page desire gone? I feed my fixation on dumb video games cause Idk don't deny your hyperfixations, but it's in direct conflict with my need for homosexuality in fiction!
This "self-care" bullshit sucks
7
vertexarray [any] - 2.2yr
save me you tube dot com/@DemonDan14... post another video of EX SPDing a cammy three times in a row... DemonDan14 hear my cry
SnowySkyes in traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
Trans Megathread for the Week of 4/22 - 4/28
I’m now two and a half weeks post-op. Had my first exam today and everything’s healing very well. Still sore and still can’t really get around, but I’m definitely doing better.
Bottom surgery has done me more good than anything I have ever done in my life. The chaotic background noise that's been in my life since forever is finally gone. I feel truly at peace. I can sleep just because. And I'm simply the happiest I've ever been in my life. I smile all the time and I’m more confident in myself. I knew I needed this surgery badly, but I didn’t realize til afterwards how severe my bottom dysphoria was. And now, I’ve taken the biggest step down my personal path of transition and I’m closer than ever to being the real me. Gods I never thought I’d be here. I’m so happy ;w;
I hear this from every friend of mine who's had bottom surgery. Still on the wait list for the clinic, but at this point it'll be less than a year until i can make a post like yours myself and i'm so looking forward to that!
Super glad to hear you're doing well, i wish you all the best for the recovery process and a ton of all these happy, happy moments of euphoria i keep seeing with other trans girls post OP.
I look forward to seeing yours :3 It’s a long journey with many potholes in the road, but the reward is well worth it.
I greatly appreciate well wishes! Thank you very much. The euphoria is unimaginable. Never knew life could feel this good.
I hope you make a full and swift recovery!!!
cleaned out from under my bed, threw out more bags of trash, one more day lived as a trans girl, on more day closer to HRT. the road is so very long but I'm walking it and getting just a tiny bit closer
Cleaning shit out is so satisfying to get done, I'm proud of you for doing it! I know how hard it can be.
You’ll make it there, one day at a time!!!
god i have to get off reddit. i keep looking at trans femme fashion and transition timelines and it's all these stunningly well passing women who claim shit like "oh yeah this was like 1.5 years hrt" or something, this is only filling my head with bad ideas.
fuck, i got to meet real trans people outside and i don't even really know where to start, honestly
girl you already passed as a cis woman after 1.5 years HRT and then you got FFS??? you literally just look like a different cis woman now? i am become dysphoria, the layer in bed
I think for a lot of people, even if they already "pass" to most strangers, getting ffs is not necessarily just about looking more feminine, but moreso about just looking different than the face they've felt so much dysphoria about for so long.
I know personally, when I look in the mirror I have a list of features I can systematically stare at until I start to feel like shit, and I can't really stop myself from doing it.
There’s a lot to be said about how comfortable one is looking at themselves in the mirror. It might work for the general public, but if it doesn’t work for you, then what does it matter? It’s part of the reason I am still harsh on myself with my voice even though it passes very well. I want it to sound good to me as well, not just Random Stranger A
That's very valid and something I never really considered but yeah, that's fair and kind of describes me come to think of it. Like, transphobia is bad and I don't want to experience that in public but I want to pass for myself. I don't want to see a man in the mirror anymore. It's funny, actually when i think about it enough; I like the idea of FFS but I don't even think I'll need it. With longer hair, no 5 o clock shadow, and smoother, drier skin, i could probably pass with relatively little HRT changes to my face. I remember I took the first selfies of myself that I actually liked like 3 weeks ago and it was when I was on a discord call with some friends and the low quality camera I bought for myself acted as basically softening filter and I thought I looked so fucking cute in those
If you liked the camera's effects you would probably benefit from learning makeup as well, since it can make your skin look smoother. There's other nice things it can do too of course but that's one that can often help with looking more feminine. I believe there's also makeup techniques to hide beard shadows? Idk for sure though I have no experience.
Also yeah definitely grow out your hair first if you want long hair, it can do incredible work for how well you pass. It won't get you all of the way but it will get you more than you'd expect, especially when you style it femininely.
i follow a bunch of communist transfems on tumblr and it's so much better for my mental health than any trans subreddit is, you could give that a try
One of my two trans woman friends convinced me to make a tumblr but honestly the website is kind of incoherent to me. What the fuck is a reblog? How am I supposed to interact with this website? I don't know, but it makes me want to go back to hexbear real fast. I got to learn how to meet real people though
I like tumblr in spirit, like it's got great stuff to look at sometimes, but it's also redditesque in that everyone is out for blood, you know the way. One large continuous struggle session.
tumblr is a website where you just follow a bunch of people who seem neat and then reblog posts that you like and think are worth sharing. reblog is just retweet except you can tag it with things to find later or add a comment
if you have any questions feel free to dm me and ill do my best to answer
ive been meaning to give that a try, especially if its finally time to get off twitter, but don't know how to begin searching so which ones do you recommend? (or can dm)
i sent you a DM, if anyone else wants a list just dm me
During my FFS post op she was looking over my record and said, "you really got everything on the menu, huh?" Literally every single part of my face went under the knife. Jaw, chin, brow, hairline, lip lift, fat grafting everywhere. I had the most masculine face humanly possible. I didn't pass a single time until after FFS. In high school people told me I looked like Ivan Doroschuk, the safety dance guy.
Also, their photos might not be showing their profile. Out of the trans women who do pass without FFS at least half of them only pass from the front. Its rare for anyone to pass from the side. Passing in general is more common if you're latina or east asian.
I just looked at r/transtimelines and it made me insecure, I'm 4.5 years hrt, 2 years post ffs. Don't hurt yourself sis <3
You might be surprised what 1,5 years of HRT can do, but yes, absolutely get off reddit, the trans community there is awful and the subs for transition timelines in particular are really bad for dysphoria. I had a legitimate crisis because researching too much on r/trangender_surgeries and seeing all these before-after pics of FFS amplified my face dysphoria to unbearable levels. That gets better when you stop going there, it's honestly shocking how much harm that place can cause.
Media hygiene is a core trans survival strategy in this day and age. If you find that content has a bad influence on you, drop that shit.
As far as finding a trans community irl goes, that can be tricky, but it's absolutely worth it. Nothing helps more than being in a room full of nice trans people, i actually feel normal in such a context. Not hidden in plain sight like when i'm stealth, not in disguise like when i was boymoding, but completely normal just by being my authentic self. That's priceless. But it can take a while to find an org where you fit in. Many of the cool ones do not advertise that much and kinda piggyback on established queer orgs in the area. Check if they're using nonbinary-inclusive language or if they stick to outdated terms like "transsexual" instead, the latter is a pretty reliable giveaway they're truscum. With pride season coming up, you may have more opportunities to find orgs that recruit mostly through word of mouth or by other offline means.
Yea holy shit I'm so jealous now. :sicko-wistful:
Oh. So if you live in a city, do a search for "Trans discord [city name]. Otherwise check with the lgbt center in the city to see if they have support groups. My support group got me through, idk a year of transition and I'm still going every week. I've met a few friends through it too. Once of them is one of my closest friends who I hang out with every Saturday. So yeah
Yeah ffs feels more and more necessary for me day by day honestly. Damn
Got catcalled for the first time the other night, pretty shitty ngl. If you expect it to feel euphoric it really doesn't, it was more along the lines of 'oh, I have to deal with this shit now.'
Otherwise dealing with the usual spring-special of seasonal depression making my dysphoria worse. At least it's not as bad as last year's now that I'm on HRT.
One time I got catcalled by a straight guy outside a lesbian bar and then he got up in my face and drunkenly asked me out as I was trying to go in
Drunk really isn't an excuse either
I'd imagine it would partly depend on how much of a threat they seem to be? Only time I dealt with something that was somewhat ewwphoric was long before I realized I might not exactly be cis. But dealing probably accidental sexual harassment led to some mixed feelings (one of which was sorta happy to experiencing something I assume was more common for women... and that was a stronger feeling than the uncomfortableness), but like I didn't even think it was intentional and there wasn't really any perceived risk of escalation.
not really, no. it's kind of always scary, even when the dude is like 80. there's always other dudes they're performing for.
Yeah it's only recently started sinking in with me now that This Is My Life and I have to deal with misogyny all the time :/ fucking sucks
So after getting banned from the liberal sapphic book server for being "rude" to someone who identifies with settler-colonialism, (canadian nationalism is a disease) (oh look they tone policed a trans woman! big shock there!) I joined three new ones. 2/3 are kind of dead, like all places to discuss books with gays in, but maybe I can post hard and get them going again? And also I won't have to say 'another kkkracker down' to anybody?
It's kinda sad that I have way better results just yelling into Hexbear, quality userbase <3
hang on, what? can... can you elaborate on that at all? did she elaborate on that at all?
Nah, just carrying on and fucking on about being french canadian all the time and how she wanted to see more stuff written by french canadians, clearly the most oppressed minority. I said "Like being french isn't bad enough, had to be canadian too, worst of both worlds" which broke the cracker. It was epic!
The context was that she was carrying on and on about french canadian cyberpunk, and before I cracked the cracker I had said that the only use for setting a cyberpunk narrative in Klanada would be to examine colonialism, which she promptly ignored, hence what I said. Something about the mixture of canadian nationalist undertones and how liberal cyberpunk is just, touched a nerve in me. I was pretty restrained
though imo.
My thesis is, anyone who is fragile and white enough to be offended when I say "french bad" or "canada bad" deserves to feel offended. Don't identify with colonial projects, right? White people in shambles.
^ur^ ^welcome^ ^4^ ^this^ ^autism^ ^btw^
this is objectively funny and anyone who has a problem with this is a crakkker
2nd puberty has me feeling all kinds of weird lol
in some ways im feeling more like a teenager than my first puberty where i was kinda just a reserved blank slate, have been finding myself more risk-prone and wanting to hide in my room than ever lol
First puberty: "Oh, when did that hair appear? Its long enough that it must have been there awhile. How long has it been since I've actually looks at my own body?"
Voice seems to be passing better on the phone with the therapy things I've been trying, or I've run into less 'no you're not' sorts by pure luck. I hope this continues either way.
::: spoiler dysphoria talk the big thing that i find both really empowering and really dysphoria inducing is the fact that i can't actually think of anything dysphoria inducing about me that i couldn't change with enough HRT, time, and electrolysis. Too much muscle? Rough, oily skin? Masc body fat distribution? Facial hair? yeah, these all make me feel awful and they all can go away, it's just going to take a lot of time waiting on the HRT to really kick in for that to go away and for now I'm just stuck with the body I don't like
Then it gets even funnier when I think about how I don't even think these are unappealing characteristics? I'm bi, these traits would look fucking great on someone else, but not me.
I really can look like the absolute doll of a girl that I can see in my head
, I have absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I won't see her in the mirror one day
::: spoiler cw oversharing and dysphoria
I’m scared to transition because I have this feeling that everyone around me only likes me for my boobs and butt
My whole life I’ve basically been told by people around me and by the movies I watch that my worth comes 90% from my body and now I want to change that? I’ve learned how to use my body to charm people and because I’m pretty desperate for attention I’m scared I’ll lose that as well.
::: spoiler csa
When I was a kid I always wanted to be part of the boys group, but it happened more than once that those boys saw my eagerness to hang out with them and they used that to violate me.
:::
I’d really like to talk with a professional about this while I transition but the only option to transition for me is if I pay it myself and with as little appointments as possible because there’s way too much demand for transgender healthcare. So I’m scared to make the decision to start hrt because I won’t have anyone to guide me through it.
Those are all normal apprehensions, I'm on the other side of the binary but feelings are similar. Just because they're typical concerns doesn't mean they shouldn't feel big - they should and do - but you're hardly the first and only man to feel the way you do. Which means you can overcome these even though they are very big problems and anxieties.
Firstly, for me and many trans people, HRT was the best decision of our lives. T is different than E, it works much faster and does different stuff but the feeling is still there.
Secondly, IF YOU CHOOSE you can keep your curves. There are curvy cis guys, they're hot, there are trans guys that choose to keep them and they're very handsome. You don't have to, top surgery can take down your chest (and you get to customize if you have nipples or not which is neat).
Considering the abuse you've been through, you probably should be going to therapy - that's a lot of trauma. You're very strong for how far you've come. Yeah everything takes time, but you can take diy HRT prior to getting a prescription for it. If there are any IRL lgbt support groups you should join them (careful, you'll probably come away with a new romantic partner from it lol happens to all of us). Hopefully there's another trans guy there who can help guide you, especially if you're going down the diy route.
To me, I think it's totally a cool coincidence that the feminizing hormones are gentle and take their time and the masculinizing hormone goes hard and quick but it kinda sucks here for you. You can stop any time, it's allowed. You can stop and pick it back up. You can choose not to start HRT! That's a valid way of being a trans man (sounds like you'd rather have it though).
You sound like a very strong, tough man and I wish the best for you.
Thanks for the super nice response:)
I’m in therapy for my trauma but the clinic I go to can’t help me with any gender related issues I have. But joining a support group is a great idea and I hadn’t really considered that option lol thanks for the suggestion
https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/24607cd3-952c-4866-92e0-45ad61aa0204.png
It seems very obvious now, and is probably obvious to all you lovely people, but I hadn't thought about a strong aversion to mirrors being a sign of being trans. I have hated mirrors/pictures of myself for as long as I can remember, sometimes neglecting hygiene because of it tbh. I know most people aren't like a huge fan but fuck do I hate it. And apparently so do a lot of transpeople
It was honestly one of those things that finally clicked for me after the fact that my egg cracked. Just a big ol’ revelation of why I hate having my pic taken.
very big same here!
conversely, I have taken more selfies in the past few months, since the effects of my hormonal transition started being visible, than I had in at least a decade prior.
The best feeling is staring into mirrors for minutes at a time, after years of avoiding them.
Yeah that sounds about right. I've never enjoyed looking in mirrors or at photos of myself because I do not like the way that I look.
Before I realized I was trans mirrors made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I couldn't put my finger on why, my egg brain told me that it was because I was anxious that something was watching me in the background, but obvs that was just repression.
https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/d589fa6b-8d16-442a-9192-04c2d1f8b8ae.png
I keep having dysphoria revelations today and I don’t like this
::: spoiler more dysphoria talk holy shit the reason why I don’t talk to myself anymore and gradually stopped doing it starting around middle school is the dysphoria. Isn’t it. I’ve subconsciously stopped using my voice when alone because I’m uncomfortable with it. As a kid I used to write stories by narrating them out loud to myself and I haven’t felt that fountain of creativity for years and the voice dysphoria is a big part of that, isn’t it. My brain really was doing the most in order to keep my dysphoria hidden from me, how have I not realized this until now. :::
Holy shit I didn't realize until now, but yea same. I'll still "talk" but there's no noise. Go through all the motions of speaking without the voice (idk if this makes sense).
I should try voice training :/
Yeah, in the rare occasions when I do talk to myself these days my voice generally comes out as a weird quiet half-whisper, and it feels so awkward to me that I generally won’t talk for long.
It's crazy how variable pronoun usage of any kind is once you start paying attention to it. Like, you'd think a fairly consistent percentage of the words of any conversation would be pronouns, but a lot of the time it's either a drought or a downpour.
Anyway for like a month my friends have just naturally not used my pronouns, and my family has been misgendering me like crazy, and I am gritting my teeth waiting for it to start swinging the other way.
Yes, yes I am late, or am I just on time?
::: spoiler cw dysphoria I’m not having a good dysphoria day comrades. A few days ago I was thinking of doing some activities out in public (covid-safely of course) but now just the thought of going outside and getting perceived as my agab is making me nauseous. I feel like hiding away in a hole. This body isn’t mine. :::
Today I found out that I pass, from behind. People perceive me as a women, and then, sadly, apologize when I turn around. At least it is a flattering assesment of my haircare skills.
had a quick scare about running out of hrt, but that has been solved and i will not be running out. aside from a few extremely dysphoric moments over the last week, i've been relatively pleased with my hrt progress so far! hips are noticeably larger than usual, skin is looking so much clearer, my hair is looking a lot healthier, and i just generally think i look more feminine. unfortunately still getting misgendered all the time though, so its hard to stay excited.
Join the trans militia today, and you too can help liquidate the cishet menace and defeat the cishet patriarchy forever!
Just did my laundry. Doing my part by releasing endocrine-disrupting microplastics onto the populace
Im doing my part!!!
trip report from shopping for fun girl clothes at H&M:
Woah only medium and smalls? My local H&M always has some larges and XL's. I'm a large or xl myself (sometimes xxl) which is pretty annoying. I'm not even that big my upper body is just pretty muscular.
Have you tried going to thrift shops yet? Alot of places sort by size there and that can make it way way easier
honestly i think it was just bad luck. they'll probably get more Ls and XLs in by next week. still really disappointing though
Yeah :/ idk what your body type is but I absolutely LOVE these pants I got h&m ( link. They do so much for hips and just look so cute. Then pair it with some tight top and it's just amazing, maybe a sports bra. I have some recommendations if you like
yeah :( idk i think i have to take a bit of a break from clothes at the moment. it is really fucking hard
It is. Do you have friends to go with? It can be really scary. If there are any queer centric thrift shops near you those can be pretty comfy places.
oh god, you think i had the courage to do it without my friends? i don't know if i have it in me to do it without. i might one day but not for right now
Lol the first time I did it it was by myself and it was so so so scary. Same with going out in girlmode - went out foe the first time in another city in another country. I can't describe to you how scared I was haha. Absolutely mortified.
My son's bringing a boy home tomorrow. I think I'll try to be as cringe as possible, like a normal dad.
Current plan: play Factorio on the living room TV, and say, "Hey buddy! Wanna come play choo-choo trains with me?!?"
e: Yes, I am aware that this is not the Trains Megathread. I learned my lesson last time.
alright, look i need to figure a passable excuse to justify buying a pair of cat ears
To have cat ears.
you make a solid argument
Are you getting the ones with the little bells on them?
i was thinking of getting atleast one pair from here
i see that atleast one has bells...
These look very cute!
oh i loooooove the ones with earrings on them
Absolutely! I've found out i'm more of a flower headband kind of girl, but these look really tempting.
OMG, They are so cute and cool.
Highly recommend the bell ones, my own set of cat ears came with them and I honestly like the bells more than the ears at this point.
Halloween is coming uhhhhhhh soon :3
It's always Halloween somewhere in the World.....yeah that's good.
Im going to buy a pair of pink cat ear gaming headphones does that count??? 🐱🐱🐱
i saw a pair or attachable cat ears on etsy, would go well with my way too expensive headset
might work for you too
No, no Im getting one of those headsets with the cat ears built in, you know the pink one. :)
hell yeah, gurlllll
down with cis
Whenever I am feeling down I end up searching AO3 for fics about YA novels, but the main character is trans.
I even did that before I realized that I was trans. Like, the most cis habit to have, comfort reading trans fanfic. I once met some trans people irl as an egg, and they were very kind to me. I must have been quite obvious
Based, one of my pick-me-ups is reading Ao3-original transbian romances. Unfortunately almost every smut on there has something in it that's a turn off for me but the romances hit the right spot of comfy and easy to read.
Hi do you have any that you recommend? I collect stuff like this ✨
::: spoiler here's a collection of trans fics that i made a while back you can't break that which isn't yours, homestuck
an earth shattering confession, homestuck
magical girl, madoka magica
from the ashes, yuri on ice
shedding the disguise, kaito kid
the girl who prayed for wings, fire emblem three houses
heritage, little witch academia
a bed of twigs, fire emblem three houses
these small hours, batman comics, about stephanie brown
avatar, sword art online
wanderlust of the golden witch, umineko: when they cry (MASSIVE spoilers for a very good vn)
tea for tea, ranma 1/2
horn replacement therapy, urusei yatsura
it's time the kid got free, hunter x hunter
the devil's brew, we know the devil
living inside the shell, ghost in the shell :::
talking about the dead name, male persona i have to put on at work now like it's a D&D character
Omg yeah I been doing this for the last year but really in earnest the last 6 months (for me at least, it didn't get hard until I started to be out in my regular life).
In general what's the dress code like where you work? At my work they don't gaf about what I wear for the most part. What I did is I got a few hoodies (they sell women's hoodies at H&M that frankly look very gender neutral but are very slightly fem).
I wear men's jeans but they are very gender neutral. I could easily wear some mom jeans, these pants just work for me.
Then I wear docs. Docs are great because they are very lez and comfy and they also are super super gender neutral leaning femme.
As for my hair, sometimes I wear it in a fem bun like this with curly strands off the front https://images.app.goo.gl/LcoF48pfqwV22og66 or other times just all down.
All of this is very gender neutral but also keeps my mental from going too crazy. I can still see myself in the mirror. Sometimes I get some stares and double takes (especially with my hair up) which is pretty cool but overall nobody has made any mention to me and they still all gender me male (blegh).
It's food service, which means that everyone wears the same very gender neutral uniform, which sucks. I'm also probably just going to quit and move on as soon as I feel like I can present femme in a full time job environment though, so this job is just temporary for me
Yeah that sucks I'm sorry. But yeah it will be nice to quit when you're ready and just be femme all the time :3
What class
Sad
I also feel like a lot of my interactions are me putting on a show. It's fun, like a puzzle, read peoples expectations, and play with them. Redirect attention to things I don't mind, instead of actually personal stuff. I have built a good character, was fun to incorporate, but it's probably not the ideal way to relate to the world. And it didn't make me happy, because I myself didn't actually self actualize.
hi comrades:)
never catch the threads this early normally. i hope you're all doing ok, i'm drinking a tasty espresso and trying to have a peaceful start to my day because i've been dysregulated af recently.
i've been tuning in to the LGR Bird Feed a very relaxing bird feeder + nest cam stream setup by a nerd type youtuber i like.
i have a bunch of work to do in the next week and a bit planning a big move to another country with my gfs. it's very scary and stressful but we think our lives will improve a lot if we pull it off:)
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I'm very afraid of changing my presentation because I'm afraid other people won't like it. Which I know is stupid but I really want to avoid that. When I have changed things in the past I've always felt like I needed a big justification and a big build up to actually doing it.
I wanna dye my hair white. I've wanted to for years but have been afraid of other people not liking it. Why must I rely on other people for validation why am I like this
Gods I'm the same way, even though I've come out to some friends, I'm deathly afraid to change my presentation until I can somehow 'prove' myself. In my mind, that way is to have a 'presentable' voice and hide my facial hair shadow (or be rid of it completely), and until those things happen I'll be constantly thinking about it.
Luckily I don't externalize these feelings and I'm incredibly jealous of the trans people who can socially present the way they want to without fear of judgement, but we're always harshest on ourselves right?
This is it exactly for me. I always feel like I need to earn a change. Like, I'll change when I'm skinnier, when I have more money, when I have better clothes, or whatever
UPDATE: i cut my hair this morning. im happy with it. feels good
Speaking personally, I find people like it when I present the way I want to way more than when I present in the way I'm expected to. Presenting as yourself just looks better and more natural and people can tell.
Obviously there are cases where safety is a concern, but dying your hair is a relatively safe thing to do to test the waters for a presentation change. Also, worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out it's always temporary, especially if you're just going to dye it white it wouldn't be that hard to dye it to another colour if you end out unhappy with it.
I love trans women :)
Finally got a call back from the informed consent Dr. I sent in my information 6 weeks ago and almost completely forgot about it. My appointment is 2 months away and I'm kinda freaking out about it. Things are getting real and it's exciting and scary all at once.
my dysphoria feels like one of those fire risk needle signs where it keep fluctuating between "nah you're good" and "i might kill someone if it would get me estrogen a day sooner". unfortunately, today is one of the bad days
looking in the mirror and oh my god my hair looks gorgeous now that i have a bunch of shampoo and conditioner in it. if only it were like 7 times longer than it is now
NEW MEGA HYPE!!!
I shall like to remind all my trans comrades (actually, all lemmy comrades, but whatever) that deletion does not actually delete a comment, I just pulled quickquestion's comment to aru. You must edit your comment to actually make it unreadable.
Edit: I looked into it a bit, and it seems that after 30 days, a comment is supposed to be permanently deleted (overwritten). Although, after checking with my own comments, some of them weren't overwritten, so for important things overwrite/edit them yourself.
Really? I thought it would completely remove it. This is good to know information.
i did the thing. came out to based trans co-worker, we had a cool discussion.
now i will stop posting about this because when she shows up here i don't want her to identify my account lol
might delete later
Can someone please help me deal with some of my
? This is kind of embarrassing to post so please try not to judge me. I'm trying to do better 
::: spoiler cw for transphobia about masc trans people (I still love you all)
I don't really know how to put it. I suppose when I hear of someone being trans masc I just feel a bit sad? I know I should be happy for them living their best life, and I am, but part of me just feels like its a shame I guess? Just like "destroying" their femininity. I know its wrong to feel this way (its their body, they're happier, etc), but I just do I guess. Like a gut reaction. Am I just doomed to have that emotional reaction and try to respond "using my head"?
:::
Does anyone have experience with the US postal system in an employment capacity? I guess what I mean is it a safe job to have and transition in? I need to find different employment and I've heard it's trans friendly.
I met a trans woman letter carrier once. She seemed to really like her job but I didn't get to know her well enough to know deeper thoughts on it.
I am incredibly jealous of women doing those like "tik tok" dances with all the fancy footwork. I wish I was cute, skilled, and having a good time :sicko-wistful: I keep watching this same video and it's just mesmerizing. I want to be her.
It’s weird because I’ve known I was trans for several years now yet I still feel like I’m discovering things about myself. Like I just had the realization that I generally try to spend as little time in front of the mirror as possible (outside of the times I’m trying to do some fashion stuff) and when I do look in the mirror I very often feel like I’m looking at a stranger. I don’t dislike how this stranger looks nor do I have any visceral reaction towards them but they aren’t exactly me. I feel like I generally don’t think much about this sense of depersonalization because I unconsciously spend a lot of energy trying to bury it, hence why I just realized that I’m not a fan of mirrors. There seems to be this engine that runs in my brain that constantly works to shield me from feeling acutely dysphoric, which on the one hand I appreciate but on the other hand it probably has burned a ton of calories on essentially nothing productive haha.
Oh yeah me too, I never looked in the mirror since about puberty to one year on hrt lol. Same with videos and pictures. Couldn't have told you why before my egg cracked
I didn't realize how much I avoided mirrors until after thinking I didn't really experience much dysphoria. Brains are incredible sometimes....
Anyone have experience with getting a US passport? I have my birth certificate and valid ID, but the names don't match. I had a court-ordered name change in another state, but don't remember exactly when or where and I don't know how to look it up to order a copy. It was well over a decade ago. My birth state makes it very easy to amend birth certificates, but the processing time is lengthy and I haven't needed to do it yet. It's on my list, but can I get a passport without waiting on that?
I'm not sure you'd be able to get it without your name change; I assume your valid ID has the name you want the passport to have?
I would honestly still say try for it: I took all my documents to the post office and got rejected the first time for one reason or another, and then came back the next week with like the same paperwork and they let me through? Like worst case scenario they turn you away and you have to come back with more documents, I don't think it's the end of the world. They might even be able to help you figure out where to look for your name change.
always hate this sterotype that trans girls always want to be a barbie doll! i don't! i always thought of myself as more of a polly pocket type of girl
Gods. I just wanna channel somewhat chubby soccer mom vibes, ngl.
absolute 12/10 vibes. very good
Oh hey I played with polly pocket when I was growing up! I remember having a water slide toy.
when you earn the title of "best wingwoman in the world" for hooking your friend up with what might legitimately be the hottest trans polycule in the state and can't write an appropriate brag post about the entire saga because it would both be too horny and would run the risk of doxxing some or all of us
I don't know who it is that is always talking about using an IPL for hair but I wanna say that it really works. I've been using one on my legs, on your recommendation, for the last month or so and yeah there is a serious decline in regrowth. So thanks for the recommendation whoever you are.
I really need to try IPL on my legs! I'm just so lazy about shaving 'em in the first place, due to all the ingrown hairs that tends to result in...
but I've have great luck with IPL on my torso hair! not so much my facial hair, sadly – after two months, it's definitely lighter/splotchier on my cheeks, but the area around my mouth is still thick with functioning hair follicles (I think this area had thicker hair to begin with, though).
I talked to my dermatologist about IPL and according to her, IPL has lasting results when the follicles aren't too deep under the skin. The shins were her example for a place where it makes sense to try IPL, even a home device, whereas face and back were her examples for where you shouldn't bother and go for laser or electrolysis instead.
I've had 8 or 9 laser sessions on my face now and the reduction in growth is pretty drastic. Never could grow more beard than a heisenberg, but used to be that i had to shave twice a day on the chin and upper lip to make dysphoria bearable and now i'm at the point were i just don't have a real 5 o'clock shadow and only see a few isolated spots of stubble after two days without shaving. Like, i'm literally at a point were stubble is the last thing on my mind when i use concealer and foundation. I've dumped about 1k into this to get here, but it was absolutely worth it, i feel so much better, get clocked so much less etc.
One day ill be just like you 😁😁😁
yeah, I know IPL isn't great for the face, but it seemed worth a shot, y'know? at least it's helping a tiny bit while I'm waiting to be able to build a Sphynx (latest dev log).
I am looking forward to that so much, hair removal is just so expensive.
very much same, I straight-up cannot remotely afford it (my state doesn’t force insurance to cover hair removal, sadly).
prescription was filled. literally the only thing i have to do now is go to the pharmacy to pick it up tomorrow
I see the beautiful nonbinary goth lesbian. I say, she can fix me!
Hello all!!! 👋👋👋 I hope you are having and will have a good week!!! Much love 🥰🥰🥰 and down with cis!!! 🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️✊✊✊🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️
So I'm out at work, but still not out to my family. Anyone else do this?
I did for a couple years
My family is always the last to know things like this, I completely understand it being easier to come out to coworkers then family.
ah fuck, it's lesbian visibility week? they know, they can see me
I really like painting my nails, as i recently discovered, but buying new colours is so expensive, and if one makes a mistake, it is a kinda expensive mistake, also I don't need a full bottle, just to try things. I guess the ideal solution would be founding a nailpolish club, or something, where people could pool ressources. That is however way above my current comfort level, also I don't have the social connections to start one really.
In slightly related news, I have been unable to go to a meeting of local lgbtq+ ppl, due to their online presence being closed off. Their website hasn't been update since before I moved here. Their alternative is an instagramm page, I don't have an insta account, and I also don't want one to just look at a jpeg, but I might just have to do it anyway. They change location every meeting, which seems like good opsec in a rightwing place, but is deeply frustrating to me, in the moment.
If you can find it where you live, Sinful Colours is really nice quality and super cheap, like 3-6 dollars a bottle. I believe the majority if not all of their stuff is vegan too
I was also at my hairdresser today, and she actually complimented my haircare. Considering the state it was in when I first visited (very bad, I was completly lost), it's something I am very happy about. I love going there, because it is very relaxing, and I can chat about haircare, and learn new things each time.
the mega's kind zoomin this week huh
::: spoiler venting i love getting deadnamed without a correction/apology by someone i've been out to for 4 months :))))
:::
oh god oh fuck i'll probably be on estrogen in 24 hours holy fuck
first HRT appointment in 4 hours. me @ my testosterone
Hanging out in the mega with all of you has made me woefully aware of how bad I am at femme stuff
I would love to give advice on femme hairstyles and fashion and you would think I'd have some knowledge about it all considering I spent 16 years of my life nominally as a girl, but I keep drawing blanks. (It's not even that I don't enjoy feminine fashion, I actually like wearing dresses and skirts, but I was only able to start caring about it once I discovered I wasn't a girl myself. And also I have no idea how to style long hair.)
I didn't think I'd be interested in dating for at least a couple of years after starting transitioning since I was so uncomfortable with my body.
But now I actucally like my face and most of my body quite a bit, and I'd kinda like to try some stuff now that I can actually be myself in a relationship. On the other hand, there's still parts of my body, like my upper chest, I get pretty dyshoric about so maybe it's better to wait until I'm more comfortable. Idk, it's a confusing feeling, I want to experience things but another part of me wants to hold back at the same time.
We live in a cis-iety.
Saw myself in our full length mirror last night after showering and I didn't totally hate what I saw.
Defo inspiration to start exercising.
Wow, I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair looked really nice and I actually felt happy about my appearance for once. The euphoria was so strong it made me cry tears of joy, which I don't think has ever happened to me before. Yeah, I might be struggling with every other aspect of my life, but at least I get to be a cute trans girl!
AH FUCK I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL FROM PLANNED PARENTHOOD LIKE AN HOUR AGO AND I MISSED IT
News from the internet frontline: in the most active of the new Sapphic Book discords I joined, one of the regulars posted this meme:
Which mood, and also I seem to be in better company than I was in the lib cracker discord, cause it got a lotta good reacts :)
i knew going through HRT would be basically a second puberty but honestly I've been so moody/hormonal in the last month I think just telling myself I'm trans has fucked with my hormones subtly. I haven't felt like this since I was like 17
one of the best parts about being trans now is that i actually like myself enough to say nice things about myself and genuinely believe them. I was completely and utterly incapable of doing that when I was "cis". That dumb Family Guy ramble was absolute top tier posting, and it was really funny. I'm not funny, I'm a fucking riot, and I actually believe myself when I say that now
Think I'm probably asexual, but I'm going through the same thoughts I had when I was first contemplated my gender so now I'm just confused
Been a rough couple days. Really hoping things calm down a bit so I can be around a bit more.
::: spoiler CW: Bottom surgery talk, cycle talk, and talk of emotions Been having a pretty severe issue with my GI tract this week. Not gonna get into it, but I’m starting to become concerned. I’m hoping it’s not a severe complication.
On top of those physical problems, it’s been a rough week emotionally. Bring cooped up and unable to do things for myself is starting to affect me. I just wanna make some breakfast for myself. Gimme like 20 minutes to make a nice bowl of zosui damn it.
Also I slammed directly into my cycle tonight, so that’s going to make matters even worse. It seems it is going to heavily affect my emotions this time around as my brain is attempting to make me cry heavily every time I think of anything that triggers nostalgia or childhood memories. Which is more or less where my only remaining dysphoria lies. Things I can’t fix. Well, hopefully I escape the cramps unlike how I didn’t during the days immediately post-op. Feeling strong cramps right after you’ve had major surgery is actually a nightmare.
Coupled with some external problems and I’m just exhausted emotionally. I didn’t think post-op would be so taxing in the mind, but just the body. Can’t wait to be healed. :::
Weird thing about presenting as a woman outside is that there's now a sub-species of guy who will literally make zero effort to not crash into you if you're walking in opposite directions on a sidewalk.
can't post late at night because i live on the US west coast and everyone else is asleep. gotta save my banger post for tomorrow morning. going to ask about what your totally 100% very cis thoughts you had as an egg were
::: spoiler autism and gender intersect in really incredibly unfunny ways
What the actual fuck, dude. This whole fucking gender thing, as in the two that E*rope assholes forced on everybody, is literally fake. The labsls, the associations, gendered things, they are entirely socially constructed. Literally completely, an imperialist fever dream I think. That's what reading Gender Outlaw and then The Gender Accelerationist Manifesto is like.
So hey what the fuck, am I an idiot for calling myself a lesbian? Or a woman, maybe. Because what the fuck right, no one aspect of humans, physical or mental or emotional, is inherently gendered, at all. Stupid fucking idea. So if "woman" is just a vague collection of physical aspects, then "lesbian" is only even kind of a sexuality label. It doesn't indicate if you prefer long hair or short hair, wide hips or slim ones, high voices or low ones, fuck it doesn't even reliably say what sex hormone you prefer in a partner? What the fuck does it even mean, aside from the queer cultural association I guess... it doesn't stop being "lesbian" if you include nonbinary people in that, right? But then what the hell even is the definition of "lesbian"? Not really "woman liker".
So if that's the case, (maybe it isn't Idk) then what the fuck does identifying as a "woman" even mean? I guess it's comfortable to me because it's associated with femininity, I guess. But having long legs or thick thighs or incredibly long hair or boobs or soft skin or small shoulders(not necessarily in width terms) aren't actually gendered at all. Maybe cisnormative views would say those are woman traits, but there are enbies and agender people and genderfluid people and even fuckin' dudes that have some or all of those traits. So um what the fuck??
"Women" actually did get debunked. Motherfucker....
This has busted my brain in half in a way that's kind of making me panic, Idek what to feel. Thanks for reading my absurdity?
:::
i have no real way of saying it but i only ever felt like i was male ironically. this feels weird for a trans girl to say, but like, the most relatable fictional character i felt growing up was Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. Like, the masculinity was just a dumb act.
at some point writing that i think i forgot that i was pretending to be ron swanson. honestly it's been like 8 years since i've seen that show anyway what the fuck do i remember of it
Honestly wouldn't be surprised if I accidentally laughed at guys trying to be masculine thinking it was just an act making fun of masculinity because who would seriously do that?
That's always how I've felt, even now!. I can't look at the big guy in the oversized F350 child crusher who works construction or whatever as someone who is genuinely happy with themselves. Like, do you actually enjoy playing this dumb contest with Andrew Tate where you try and out compete each other for #1 man status?
There are types of maleness and masculinity that are enjoyable to people, but that one sure ain't it.
yeah it's like, do you really enjoy that?. if you do, then that's great but like, oh that just sounds awful to me
I'm pretty sure the F350 childcrusher construction-is-manly guy is a toxic maaculinity thing, and is universally agreed to be awful :) real truck fans drive a Chevy C10 with an LS1 swapped in. A useless chonky F350 is penis enlargement pills by comparison.
Bit idea: bumper sticker that says MY TRUCKS GOT NUTS CAUSE I LOST MINE IN VIETNAM
posting to friends like im in transgendercirclejerk but unironically rn. making a long list of which historical periods are fembrained or masc brained rn, was having trouble with the islamic caliphate, but decided that the Ummayads were gender neutral brained, and all the other iterations of the Caliphates were masc brained but Al Andalus and the Ayyubid Sultanate were fembrained
im spreading the brain rot to other people smh:
Love the username, 10/10
So like idk this is a vent post and I have a lot of fear wrapped up in this but recently my mental health has been quite bad. I am starting to think its my estrogen but really it started after a mushroom trip that left me with a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts and anxieties (about 2 months ago). Those specific anxieties have mostly dissipated but I'm still left with this feeling of... general anxiety in my chest. Like, it feels hard to breathe kind of? Everything feels overwhelming. And I've noticed that this gets worse when I inject estrogen, and honestly this scares the fuck out of me.
Before this trip honestly I felt for the most part better than I ever have in my entire life. I was so sure that I was a trans woman. I was on the right path. But now it's like, the estrogen seems to be making me feel like shit? Idk what to do. I don't wanna get off estrogen, I don't want to go back to being a man that's for sure. But like I can't even think straight. I feel miserable and I'm scared I was never meant to be a woman or I made all this up in my head and it'll be like this forever. It's incredibly scary.
Honestly idk what to do. I'm 5 Months in. Maybe my levels are too high? Idk. Maybe I need to get my levels checked
I'd like to come out but I really don't want it to be a big deal. I know most people in my life would be very supportive, but I also know that a lot of them (the straight ones) will make it a big thing. I came out as pan to a few people and got hugs and encouragement and "I'm so proud of you." That's very nice and they acted with good intentions and I'm sure a lot of people would like that. But the best reaction, and the one I'm looking for, is just a thumbs up and an "ok". Like I dont want it to matter to anyone that I'm pansexual and agender. But I gotta tell people at some point.
Also I don't dislike the people who do a big celebration, I know they're happy for me. But I just want to be more low-key in general
Is there a way you could tell them that? Maybe over a text or something?
Do I actually need a gender label? What if I just didn't have one?? There is a tiny part of me that longs for the rigid structure of the "woman" box, and I could still very roughly fit that, but also my authentic self does not really fit that box, so.
Cw for mentions of suicidality and childhood trauma.
Had a conversation with my mother yesterday where it seemed like she finally came to accept me but talking to her today, nothing has changed since my childhood where I was constantly of ending it. I can only get HRT because she does not know and if I keep living with her, which seems to be the case, I can only keep her from running her mouth by threatening to leave and basically babysitting her. She doesn't understand she did anything wrong and will never understand.
That's awful, I'm sorry.
I’m so tired all the time and I know part of it is the ADHD and the OCD but also I wonder how much of it is the background dysphoria. It feels like I’m treading water through life. HRT save me…
OCD fucking sucks. Not entirely sure I have it but I def have some symptoms and estrogen made them worse for me... don't know which way you're going. Harder to tell the intrusive thoughts to fuck off on estrogen :/ I also have ADHD
I’m going the opposite direction, so idk. I’ve lived with pretty severe OCD for years now so I highly doubt testosterone would make it worse, though. OCD is so painfully difficult to deal with too, out of my personal cocktail of brain problems it’s probably the one that causes me the most distress. I hope you can find some way to deal with the symptoms, I know how hard they can be.
Yeah I mean T is kind of a mood stabilizer honestly but idk. Yeah, it's been driving me crazy. It has been kind of back and forth in my life and honestly I don't think it gets to clinical OCD levels but I do get intrusive thoughts and irrational worries that just never ever leave my brain and I have to do all sorts of rumination and get stuck in thought loops to try and get rid of the intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I waste hours doing compulsions. I just hope it goes away eventually :/
I have my first meeting at a second hormone doctor this friday, this time one with recommendations of the local trans community, hopefully it goes better than last time. Also I should probably tell my father what's going on, sometimes soon. I am horrible at lying, it basically only works for me by keeping people from asking the right questions, and he is surely going to ask the right questions soon anyway.
First laser removal session in an hour, to find a nice cheap place recommended by trans friends I had to go to another town by train and walk, its like in the middle of a commercial/industrial area thats just for cars, lame. Feeling excited and nervous. Also extremely dysphoric since I'm unshaven, stressed, couldn't put anything on my face and I'm in a laser clinic with mostly women going by and looking at my gross face
Today is a Genderweird day
Wish I could wear my hair up and still feel good, but I need it to hide how square my forehead is and my sharp jawline. Once it doesn't do that my face looks 10 times more masc and I hate it :/
I just saw an IKEA commercial on TV which had a
in it, and as soon as I saw that I was like 
2 cheap screwdrivers drunk and keep thinking about how much it hurt being attracted to women in a way that i wanted them to be attracted to me and how that just couldn't happen. i was always gay for women. fuck
I've been thinking of getting hormones, but that might be such a hassle and also, having to come out to my family, absolutely fucking not no no no no no no. My parents are very nice to me, they're really cool, except they are republican level conservatives and transphobes. I also have no means of supporting myself yet, and even if I had, i wouldn't want to cut ties with them, even if they say some of the worst transphobic shit I've ever heard. Some times I want to just lash out and point everything that's wrong with what they say, but I know they don't care.
feeling my trans femme levels go down at the end of every week as i wait for the next trans mega to be posted
So uh 👉 👈 anyone have any ideas for things someone wanting to try out being transfem could do (ideally without having to buy stuff, that's hard for me logistically)? I've already been shaving and liking it, I'd kinda like to try on cute clothes but :sicko-wistful: I'm just not really able to atm.
Intensity scale of angry screamy transfem music goes like
Underscores -> Sleigh Bells -> Black Dresses
I think, Idk that's my vibes-based screamy noisy analysis. Also I'm claiming Sleight Bells from everyone else and declaring it Transfem, lel.
just got some fun thick thigh high socks coming in the mail. i'll be able to put them on after work :3
i think I am becoming a catgirl. is there like a guide on how not to be cringe but still wear cute ears and enjoy heatpats? (edit: other catgirls are not cringe, but I would be) (edit: this post is a mess I'm removing the self upvote)
The more I think about it the more I wish I was a woman/feminine. It feels really weird wanting that when I'm masc right now. I think if I was more fem I'd feel less weird about it, if that makes sense. I don't really know what to do about it either, I don't really have the ability to change my presentation that much irl though. I still feel like a guy who wants to become a girl too.
When will I quit fucking around and go back to reading Gay? Unjust Depths, or the new Gretchen Felker Martin that's coming out? Even a Lily Seabrooke ffs, where has my Words On A Page desire gone? I feed my fixation on dumb video games cause Idk don't deny your hyperfixations, but it's in direct conflict with my need for homosexuality in fiction!
This "self-care" bullshit sucks
save me you tube dot com/@DemonDan14... post another video of EX SPDing a cammy three times in a row... DemonDan14 hear my cry