Posting from my hospital room this week. Hope everyone is doing well.

::: spoiler CW: Talking about bottom surgery and some other icky things This week has been such a fantastic one for me. I got my bottom surgery done last Friday and I’m still in the hospital recovering from it. It has done an astronomical amount of good for me already and I still haven’t seen it. I am calmer. I feel as through the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel at peace for the first time in…ever I think. Like, I have been able to just sit here and pass out for no reason whatsoever. For most that sounds whatever, but I have never been able to do that. I’m smiling huge and wide and nothing can bring this girl down. I feel AMAZING!!!

That said, there have been things I wasn’t expecting. Like for one, it feels like my scrotum has been scrunched, stretched out, and lain over a canvas. My dickhead feels like it’s being crushed and in 3 different places. And at times, if eels like my entire old package was collapsed into a singularity. It’s so weird. I just need to remind myself that they don’t exist anymore. :)

Gods. What a fucking week. :::

-explaining to a gamer-

Okay, you know how sometimes you start a game, and you have to pick a build, but nobody really tells you anything about it, so you just pick the one that is recommended and looks easy? But after some time, you realize that you aren't having fun with that build, but people around are used to you playing that build? You want to respec, but respeccing costs money, and once you respec, there's gonna be a long period of you being really bad at playing your new build?. It's like that.

Been trying voice training, and I showed my wife my femme voice, and she, very supportively said, "it sounds really good. You sound like contrapoints :)))"

🤮 🤮 🤮

Gay for boys, straight for girls

man why does this suck what gives

Gay Straight for boys, straight gay for girls

oh wait this is much better now

Having a voice that doesn't pass

Voice training

just become nonverbal lol

i feel like the easiest way to pass is to simply have long hair

Forced feminisation, but instead of just being a kink you are on a mission to awaken all transfemmes to their identities :)

down with cis

Still recovering. Will be going home later today, but I still have trapped gas in my shoulders causing me severe pain when I need to move. Also developed some nausea over the past 24 hours. Feeling generally unwell. Not sure if normal or something I should alert someone about.

Damn that last mega really was poppin' off, love to see it ❤

I’ve made so many stenciled cloth patches recently and here are some I thought the mega might enjoy

Hexbear is alive

about a week before i was able to come out to myself as trans my dear trans femme friend sent me this poem to look over. i remember being moved by the second paragraph, but i couldn't make any sense of the third

it all really is too clear now

Why is my dislike of being a guy getting stronger

This was not supposed to happen

trying to figure out your trans when you're bisexual is really weird and hard. like, both are great? i don't want to look like a man, but at the same time, men are really fucking hot??? what gives?

reminder: being a trans woman is cool and awesome

oh my it is good and back to be posting. I don't know if I should post the exact date but like

appointment with Planned Parenthood? Booked at about 2.5 months out!!!

::: spoiler Being crass about orchi Okay so I kind of wanna get my fuckin balls chopped off, so I can tuck easier and so I don't ever need to worry about the encroaching menace of testosterone. But I'm pretty worried it'd interfere with potential future stuff if/when I wanted bottom surgery... :::

Happy 4/20! oops I mean Eclipse Day

I think I have been very dysphoric lately, and it's possibly because I have done very few gender affirming things. I just am too nervous to be perceived.

I now hav an appointment with an hrt person, at a place recommended to me by the local trans community. Hope it will go well.

Connecting with the locals is really important, does not solve everything, but for example I, without them, would have needed several more months till I tried again at a doctors apoointment.

The masculine urge to shave my entire body

There's actually no such thing as being cisgender. Everyone is already trans, and all trans people know it, it's just considered rude to point that fact out since peopleneed to figure that out on their own with only gentle guidance. We're all eggs and Hexbear is on a mission to make the world's biggest omelet.

Adventure time giving me so much gender envy lol

Major breast pain the last few days, hoping it's a sign of growth happening.

Just a few weeks into HRT my aerolas got really puffy, and went from being mostly flat to small mounds, but almost nothing else has happened except directly around them yet, and it makes me feel insecure about wearing tighter shirts and stuff.

just some rambling (cw racism)

moved from rural yorkshire to montreal last year
been thinking a lot about yorkshire, i miss it a lot - being surrounded by hills in valleys for 20ish shaped me a lot i think..
for the first few years of my life i essentially lived in a slum in bradford; from as early i can remember my mum told me about how nice bradford was during her childhood and blamed polish and pakistani people for ruining it. of course, she was describing white flight and the intentional destruction of bradford by the state wielding the automobile.

blah blah p*kis caused this

that's racist

i would say

(mockingly) that's racist

she would reply to 7 or 8 year old me. what 0 materialism does to a mf!

a couple of years ago i moved to a town in the happy valley with a trans girl from northern ireland i met on 4chan, we'd only met irl once before moving in together (purely platonic). she was a complete lib and i only realised how rude and cruel she'd been to me after i moved out. we were both desperate to get away from our parents. she'd make constant comments about my weight (not that it matters, but I had a normal BMI!) and call me a 0 effort passoid. eventually i cut her off after a fucking episode of the rehearsal of all things. we still lived together for a few weeks and during that time she ruined some of my medication that i had to keep in the fridge. it was the zionist episode and she had some interesting opinions on jews. she justified those opinions to me after i challenged her on them, "everyone on twitter says...."

i feel an overwhelming sense of powerlessness when i think of yorkshire. god's own country, truly. the conditions some people live in there are horrible. as soon as i moved to quebec i could only think how people would react if they knew how high north american living standards are. i miss the market towns (despite being full of pensioners), i miss the cities (despite being full of londoners), i miss the stunning landscape (despite it being continually ravaged). the roman empire was once ruled from york and now it's a glorified tourist attraction. i feel like i lost something i never had https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/64c818c6-1c2f-4cb9-8b8f-f9fdf90f1f0a.jpeg

Hello everyone, how are you all!!! Hopefully good!!! Anyways have a great week, much love 🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

i keep looking in the mirror and thinking how much i don't look like a girl, but i always immediately follow that thought up with "yeah and imagine how funny it's going to be in the before and after pics when you're the cutest girl in this hemisphere" and immediately start giggling to myself

My friend who recently got on testosterone told me yesterday that their mood has like, substantially improved since starting T and that they’ve started liking themselves more in just a few weeks… damn this HRT shit really is magic, huh. I can’t wait to try it out for myself.

Me 4(+) years ago: I want to be more feminine. I want to be "mistaken" for a girl.

[Does fuck all, except having these thoughts for years]

Me now: I'm trans.

Wow, well done Edward for finally internalising this. Too bad the younger you would write about this in your notebook and then throw it out, not like we would ever want it later would we?

Now what Edward? Time for change, or do we just continue with the same policy.

Feeling really good today largely from all the support I've gotten here lately.

Thank you everyone

::: spoiler cw: transphobia but it's funny joke uhm actually when archeologists dig up your skeleton in like 1,000 years or whatever they'll know your REAL gender

archeologists in 1,000 years when they dig up my remains and find a SPOOKY SCARY SKELETON: :::

"am i really trans?" i don't know what it means to be "really trans" but calling myself a girl in my head is the first time in 20+ years i have ever respected myself so fuck it I'll keep doing it

I may be trans, I think, but idk

Yesterday, I felt gender euphoria for the first time in ages. My hair is constantly getting longer and longer, and my freeform dreads looked in a way that made me feel much more feminine than usual. I'm also 6 months into HRT, and I'm just noticing changes that are there, but I can't quite pinpoint what they are. My eyes are definitely seeing things differently. It was a good vibe even though I still have quite a long way to go before I'm truly as feminine as I want to be. It definitely, at the very least, is a nice break from how much I've been hating how "mannish" my eyes have been perceiving myself recently.

Before I decided to transition, I was nervous that if I did it would change "me", but actually the opposite has happened. I realised earlier this week that I feel more like myself than I have in years. This is how I used to be before. Me without all the pretending and bitterness and fear and all the other bs that hid away the person I actually am.

It's nice. I used to like the person I was, and I'm realising that's always been me, just hiding away under a bunch of failed coping mechanism. I supressed so much of my behaviours and wants because they weren't "masculine". I'm not changing into someone else, I'm finally able to be my authentic self, and it's amazing to recognize that part of myself after so many years of denying it.

It was a little jarring to get together with some of my guy friends and they were talking about weight/lifting and then they started teasing me for being small (I'm objectively not). I never realized how much being large was tied up in masculinity. Like obviously being tall would be, but I didn't realize how much weight was. They all just wanted to bulk up and get huge.

...and I just don't. ::: spoiler cw for body hatred and ED I'm always missing the days of when I was smaller, even if I wasn't any healthier. I hate how big and gross I feel. :::

::: spoiler worried about being trans I'm scared. I don't want to be trans. Why can't these feelings just go away. I don't know if I'm a transwoman but I'm still scared. Why can't I just be a normal guy. I hate society. If it weren't for this FUCKING SOCIETY it would all be okay. I could shave, I could dress how I want, maybe even give hrt a spin. But I can't. Its just too hard. I'm crying. I hate gender. Goodnight Hexbear. Sorry for the trauma dump, this one got out of hand. :::

::: spoiler Trans Mega, but I terrify you with nonsense The only thing I have desired in my adult life is to talk about books I like with people. How hard can that possibly be, right?

Dante Must Die Mode. It seems like 95% of the time I'd be more productive holding people up at gunpoint and treating it like an interrogation. Sucks to suck; the precious few times I've been able to do it, that shit's like a drug. Please, I beg of you, we can talk about this forever, I have headcanons and fundamental misunderstandings!

Something that's been rolling around my head for years now is that, in Nevada by Imogen Binnie Orange Book Bad, there's this one bit where Maria Griffiths in her narration observes some total bullshit about genderqueer identities, which is not epic and I'm actually gonna cw for transphobia:

QUOTE

Not to mention, if you are a total baby panda at Internet communities asking, like, How do I get hormones, Internet trans women are very nice: they will tell you. But when you ask a more complicated question, like say, how do you resolve a genderqueer identity with a female identity when it seems like acknowledging the restraints of female identity and then bursting them doesn’t make you no longer female, just empowered, and therefore is genderqueer a privileged identity that’s mostly available to female-assigned people with punk rock haircuts, in college, everybody gets all butt-hurt and you get in trouble.

ENDQUOTE

Wow, I should post literal Nevada quotes online more often. This is fun!!

Anyway on its face this is stupid for a whole fucking mess of reasons I'm pretty sure, like Orange Book Bad itself references Gender Outlaw once or twice, (slightly dimly, fwiw) and this kind of read is noooot compatible with Bornstein's read of gender as a class system. Ah yes, a non-cis identity is privileged and only available to one assigned gender...? Fuck off with that. It's sort-of consistent with Binnie's short I Met A Girl Named Bat in 2012's The Collection as well, which uses "both genders" once, maybe just for the sake of being an asshole.

The thing is, I have constantly wondered if I am missing something, or this is a bit or whatever, like an inside joke.This read feels kind of fucking stupid, but I don't have any other evidence by which to prove or disprove its shittiness. You can also observe that most people would rightly not bother, and dismiss it as a dogshit take. I'm slightly biased though, if Orange Book Bad is shitty, I desire to know exactly on what level and why.

Another factor is that someone could crawl out of the woodwork and be like "I lived next to a trans girl who said she was friends with Binnie, its actually a brilliant deliberate example of what an immovably awful person Maria is, Binnie said so" or something like that. I have low knowledge about this specific brainrot subject of books, so that's a possibility. I only want to understand shit. :::

does anyone have any good resources on trying to look for housing as a trans person? like, i feel like i should put up a craigslist posting saying something like "pre everything trans femme looking for queer roommates" or something but idk what i should/shouldn't do or what to look out for

is my voice supposed to be breathy during voice training? i feel like i'm targeting the right muscles for resonance but idk. wish there was a more understandable timeline for it

There are some good and some bad international news I'd like to talk about: In Germany, a self-id law is likely to pass parliament in the next days. It's not ideal (mandatory consultation for minors, no binary passports for nonbinary people, no transfem gender marker change during wartime, some dogwhistle-y sentences without legal meaning), but at least they struck the part about automatically reporting every gender marker change to the police. It replaces an older law which required two psychiatric evaluations costing thousands of Euros, so that's good.

On the bad side, in the UK the Cass review was published. It's a "systematic" review of gender care for minors and unsurprisingly, it comes to the conclusion that minors should not get gender-affirming care. Even social transition should not happen without a doctor supervising it. It was obviously planned as a hatchet job from the very beginning by choosing unqualified doctors with clear anti-trans position to write it. As always, the media is failing its duty to accurately report on institutional transphobia while Labour is loudly embracing it. The NHS is now planning to do the same thing with adult gender care, so I can only express my horror at the continuing decline of TERF island.

kind of want to "retire" this account for no other reason than i want to change my username to something aggressively transfemme. I have something in mind so far but I'm still kind of hesitant with it for some reason

me bugging my friends after i've been feeling dysphoric all day

Why did I waste years of my life as an egg?

I know you all knew!

If you gaze long enough into the estrogen, the estrogen will gaze back into you.

i find it a bit strange in hindsight to ask when the exact "day" i figured out i was trans was. Like, there is a day where I really did say "oh damn none of this is cis" but for the two-three months before that i was obviously in so much denial it was degrading. I was doing/saying just... unbelievably eggy things that really just didn't have a cisgender explanation to them but I still 100% totally believed were "still cis though". I think of it like "what radicalized you", because no one even ever turns some squishy liberal into a hardened communist in a day, that shit takes years

Sometimes I look down when I'm reading a book or whatever and I'm like "ayo, boobs, incredible!" you would think after nearly a decade the novelty woulda worn off, but uh I guess I'll never get tired of the "soft curve". Hydrodynamic, as Maryam calls it...

Why though? I'm kinda like, if gender is hugely culturally constructed, why so pleased to have boobs? They do not do anything, they're arguably inconvenient? Idgi, but my brain sure does.

One of the weird things about my existence is that I didn't really spend a second thinking about it when I first discovered what transition was, I just went "k imma girl now" and followed my gut. Good instinct, very cool of me, but it means I have done almost zero critical thinking about my own gender, ig.

Back to work... aaaaaannnddddd my anxiety is back haha. I wish I could take a month off work.

On a totally seperare note the trader Joe's daily facial sunscreen is so comfortable. Not too expensive either my plan is to wear it for laser treatment but just a heads up!

oh what do you mean i only got the HRT appointment done 3 days ago i could have sworn it's been like 2 months already

I would like the input of the experienced and wise trans sages of hexbear.

I've been going through a years long process of gender experimentation that has intensified lately. I feel like something just hasn't clicked for me yet.

There are times when I'm perfectly happy to be a non-gender conforming man, and there are other times when I feel the call of the woman very strongly. There are times when I really like having a beard and getting bigger as I increase my muscle mass. I want to clarify that I like these things. It's not just default to me. But there are other times where these same features (mostly the facial hair) fucking kill me. Then there are other in-between times where I don't feel feminine but I wish I did, and I just get sad that I don't feel that way.

I've been going by she/her at home lately, and sometimes it feels good, and other times it doesn't. Most of the time, it just feels fake (I know this is normal).

Sometimes I really want to try HRT, and other times I'm scared of the permanent changes. While the idea of having a vagina seems cool, I actually don't want to get rid of my penis.

I could be experiencing some kind of bigender or gender fluid thing, but honestly, the emotional whiplash is just exhausting. I'm trying my best to just enjoy who I am at the time, regardless of whether it's masculine or feminine, but this makes me feel like I'm using femininity and womanhood like a costume instead an actual gender identity (okay, now that I'm typing this out, I'm seeing similarities to a lot of other trans people).

Am I having a unique experience, or is this just regular dysphoria stuff? Tbh, I feel kind of fraudulent hanging out here sometimes.

also funny in retrospect is how easy it was to finally get rid of the "why does it feel like it's literally impossible to look in the mirror and feel attractive?" feelings that i've had for as long as I can remember because all I did was:

1. put on $5 bralette
2. toss flannel on over it without closing it (literally one of the flannels i've always worn everyday for fuck knows how many years)
3. mentally apply the girl curves filter

and I was asking "Uhm, Hel-lo Ma'am??? 😳 before i even got to step 3. by that point i had to sit down what the fuck what do you mean it was this easy????

Being trans is like a keep trying not to die challenge every day forever, it is hard not to become bitter.

sometimes i wonder if i'm really "trans" or not. i always respond to that by recalling just how long i genuinely, desperately, earnestly tried to be a cis man

it didn't fuckin work, and i need to remember that

Switching to patches from pills tomorrow now that I don't need to hide my being trans from anyone I live with. Is there any particularly good spot to place it or am I fine just putting it on my thigh?

Welcome to hell, losers. I hate to be doing this, but I gotta. Discussion of Unjust Depths 13.8, ft. a side of sexual topics:

::: spoiler Open mouth, insert foot...

I hate Karuniya Maharapratham.

Die, Chaser Scum: An Essay (not really)

All of Karuniya and Murati’s scenes together in Arc 1, like up to book 3 when the Brigand departs, no problems no questions. Usage of gendered terms like "prince" and "husband material" spooked me, but I’m weird so sure, Murati is a tomboy, no big. I’m certain it’s just a Gender thing. Then there's that one time we get to follow Karuniya onboard the Brigand doing her science-y shit, she seems maybe a little sex-brained but whatever, it's not like that's a cardinal sin, okay. It is at that point though that the suspicions start to rise, because the way she uses "fuck" feels like it has a very specific charge. But still, sure, ok, no big.

By the time book 8 has rolled around and we get a Karuniya-POV flashback, I was all excited! Finally, she can become her own character! She spends it either condescending Murati’s ideological commitments through narration, or thinking about fat cock.

I was already primed to hate Karuniya for her dim view of Murati's little protest, when she chains herself to the simulator doors and demands 24/7 access and proper training so that academy students have a proper chance to become pilots. Great Murati moment; Karuniya’s reaction to this is mostly bemused and mean-spirited, thinking about possible physical ways to remove her, wishing to see every second that she’s on those doors, for her "entertainment". Like it's cute that she gets thinking about commitment to causes or whatever as a result of this but, you slanderous snake. Grrrr.

The vast majority of this flashback is spent on their first-ever date though, and oh man. Does Karu ever think about anything other than girldick?

She was 20 years old, in the middle of her undergraduate education and on a date with a cool, handsome upperclassman whom, it was rumored, boasted out of this world dick game.

I don’t even wanna know what “dick game” means lol. She also has mind-space to think about “pegging” though, I guess:

"I wonder if she would let me peg her."

Might be embarrassing myself here but I have only ever heard that particular term used for dudes, Idk. Even if you can square that it’s still weird though, Like sure Karuniya cares about Murati's career aspirations blah blah, but she goes into their date all dick dick dick dick dick and nothing else. Weird-ass cumbrained motherfucker.

Look right, Alexandra Genivov is a horny lady. Hell, Adelheid and Norn are basically doing a brat/brat tamer bit 24/7, and I still like those three. A lot, actually; Genivov's intro is kind of uncomfortable sure, but her thing with de la Rosa and how they nudge back and forth about their hobbies is cute! Similarly I know who Adelheid is outside of just being horny too, like her thoughts whenever they're tearing through that station and Adelheid is all concerned for Norn’s safety, or when Adelheid brings Norn back out of the Aer stream with her psy powers this very chapter right? I know that Adelheid is not just a freak about Norn because we've spent time in her head, seen how she feels generally. Hell, even given that I thought Adelheid’s dick-questioning was a bit strange, the whole subsequent scene coming after Norn was brooding in the shower is actually a great moment for them both. Yas, praetorian, slay, take out ur frustrations on that silly bitch(with aftercare)! Genivov only even has like three scenes before this chapter and I still have a better sense for who she is! Actually funnily enough, Genivov is having some silly character moments right after this, too. Her horny gamer bit is genuinely not that eye-rolling. "It'd be such a bottom move" is actually kinda funny, it would be a bottom move not to land that torpedo in time with the artillery round.

With Karuniya, literally all she does is think about dick, it seems. The one time we've been allowed to follow her perspective on the Brigand and hear about her thoughts, her occupation and stuff... gets interrupted with her thinking about dick. Rrrrrgh why is it like this, it’s worse because Murati is really charming in this flashback.

Also though Karuniya is a neurotypical; I get that there are gonna be neurotypicals in this best-selling webnovel, but it's so painfully weird to watch her internally commentate her own date and bitch at Murati, picking over her every word and griping at her alleged social gaffes:

Logistics huh? What's going on in that head of yours, Murati Nakara...

Karuniya found her extremely charming.

‘Teehee you’re so quirky, fuck me already!’ I hate this. Karuniya just does not stop with the “Play hard-to-get for a bit” and wanting to “poke fun” at Murati, she’s so fucking weird. No other character in this webnovel so far has actively repulsed me just with their manner of speaking, which puts Karuniya below Sawyer and Selene on the Unjust Depths Shit Character List.

It gets worse, though:

"You've been looking, so what do you think? Ladies love it when you flatter their ego."

My reaction in order was 1) die neurotypical bitch, 2) am I fucking mistaken, isn’t the person you are talking to also a lady??? Are you just deliberately being a freak, what is your conception of Murati, Karuniya, do I even want to know? Karuniya is apparently oblivious though, so when Murati kindly tries to let it slide unacknowledged, Karuniya must bring it up again, as if for effect:

"A lady loves to hear herself talked about in exacting detail."

Murati laughed a little. "I'm a lady too, you know."

"It's the principle- it's the principle of the thing, you understand."

I feel so fucking bad for Murati here. I get that the bit here is likely supposed to be that Murati is an oblivious dork and Karuniya is enjoying prodding her, it’s supposed to be cute, but instead this scene reads like Karuniya has made a social gaffe of APOCALYPTIC proportions, Murati tried to let it slide, but Karuniya just cannot stop being fucking weird. Holy shit, just ask for her dick size, cut the goddamn pretense.

"So, I always thought you were a really popular girl, a queen bee." Murati said. "I didn't think I merited your attention."

Karuniya giggled. She reached her hand across the table and briefly poked Murati's.

She is cute, but she's such a dork. How does she not see herself in the mirror?

What the hell is that even supposed to mean? Coincidentally this exchange is not helping Karuniya to beat the neurotypical allegations, I’m pretty sure “queen bee” does not have a positive connotation. What is it about what Murati said that was dorky? ^I^ ^don’t^ ^understand^ ^people...^ And one more, just to rub in how shitty and weird Karuniya is:

"Did you know there's rumours about you among the girls at the Academy, Murati Nakara?"

Was it the alcohol? Was it bringing out the sadist in her? Why did she say that?

WHY INDEED YOU ABSOLUTE FREAK, holy shit if I were Murati I'd be having a fucking panic attack, I'd be paranoid for fucking WEEKS.

Why exactly Murati wants to have sex with this woman after that, what the fuck she sees in this painfully unaware neurotypical fucker, is beyond me. That’s the lead-in to them fucking after the date, though; I must be missing something. After that ends we get a quick look at Karuniya’s perspective about their little disagreement at Thassalid station, something about feeling lesser, but by that point it becomes kind of late for ruminating on their relationship, whatever. I already know Karuniya is a fucking weirdo, I honestly kind of don’t care what she thinks anymore.

I consider this to be Karuniya's character assassination. These are her innermost thoughts: a garbage dump. I had been very mildly suspicious of her in prior chapters, but I brushed it away because eh, I’m probably just being paranoid or weird. Her behaviour in this chapter is basically my worst possible fears made manifest though, and to me this shit casts aspersions on all previous chapters. Maybe the "husband material" thing was her being fucking weird after all, since it potentially doesn't really seem like she'd internalised Murati as "female" by their first date, based on the evidence. Fucking gross!

That was such a fucking weird interjection, too, coming just after/before Karuniya and Murati launch in the “Helios” two-pilot diver. Marina’s flashback shows us what kind of life she’s led and why she’s still motivated to fight; why did we need to know that Karuniya is a fucking freak before she deploys? The intent was probably for the backstory to strengthen their relationship textually, but that fucking backfired. You truly could have just cut that dogshit flashback, because the subsequent fight is actually fun. Helios reporting for duty, y’know, it’s like Darling in the Franxx but less horny, I guess?

From this, I halfway get the sense that the Karuniya who exists when their relationship is under pressure or on the rocks, is a fundamentally different person from the one idly daydreaming about "dick-game-out-of-this-world" or Murati fucking her roommate years ago. Maybe we will get some actual character development, as a little treat, to see how Karuniya quit being a weirdo? But the text doesn’t seem aware that she is, so I’m not hopeful.

I hate this, someone please tell me I'm wrong for feeling this and logic it out at me. :::

Hey so like I have literally 0 connection with this person other than that I just stumbled on their Reddit posts, and they seem to be a trans woman facing imminent eviction, or might be getting evicted today I guess since the post is 4 days old

idk I just thought I should maybe share their post here? since I can't imagine anywhere else on the internet being more willing to help them? idk.

again, I don't know this person but their account is like 14 years old so I imagine they're probably a real person very much in need

here's their post regarding their imminent eviction

god i have got to stop browsing r/mtfashion it is filling my head with all sorts of bad ideas. or maybe they're good ones? idk but i feel like this much gender envy can't be good for me

Found a new outfit today at a thrifty shop that is honestly fucking amazing. It's so cute. It's just also quite warm and it's getting warmer so... whatever. It's always good to find a good outfit that breaks the rut because ive been feeling very good in my baggy jeans - tank top - flannel outfit (im starting to look like a cartoon character lol).

As a balm after The Worst Post You Have Ever Seen, here is a normal chapter update:

::: spoiler Unjust Depths 8.13-8.14 spoilers The rest of the Brigand v Antenora battle is going really well. I like the Helios' atypical combat style, the antiflooding solution to disarm Gertrude's mech was fuckin genius, and the drones going out and lighting up everyone's imaging so that Dominika can obliterate that Volkannon was rad too. I said it above but Genivov gets a lot out of this chapter. Using her goofy gamerbrain skills to coordinate her torpedo strike with de la Rosa's artillery barrage, in hopes of doing something right for once, it's a great moment when a segment of the Antenora floods like a BITCH, OOOOOOO!!! Genivov deserves that handholding, I'm so glad she turned out to be more than just a horndog. No bottom moves from our torpedo specialist, no!

Also Gertrude fucking surrendered, holy shit. The crew of the Antenora is getting their collective asses exposed, and the exposed asses are all the asses of COMPLETELY PATHETIC LOSERS, I mean imagine being High Inquisitor and losing a fight to a seafloor exploration mech. Sucks to suck!

It was good of Fan-Favourite Cuttlefish™ to help Elena reach the bridge, and I greatly approve of Elena's big declaration. She would have probably been a hundred times safer and less awkward not revealing her identity, but she has gained initiative, values and a disdain for sitting pretty while letting other people fight her battles. Idk if she has fully earned this, since she hasn't talked to Marina in ages and she's mostly just been clowned on by the security team, but it's cool & I'm hoping this jumpstarts her character. Her decision to remain onboard the Brigand even in the face of Norn the Praetorian is rad.

Poor Genrtrude is really entering her villain era now though! Like Sieglinde she doesn't really have beliefs or convictions, so it sucks to suck (again) when your gf says "no" and you lose your entire reason for being! I could sort of tell from her overbearing nature that she might not respect Elena having autonomy, but woooooow she really flipped out, she's gonna be the NO ELENA YOU ARE MINE REEEEEE abusive ex now :/ rip high inquisitor, u will be missed after Norn fucking flays your ass, lol.

Also wow though, Sieglinde is coming with the underwater commies??? Kinda hyped for that. :::

Steve lacy is so hot.

Bi people are so hot

Starting to get a bit worried about my hrt.

I had an AWFUL winter for a lot of reasons, it wasn't solely down to my hormones. But my hormones were def a contributing factor. I was taking injections and my estradiol levels were way too high and I always felt like shit. But I also felt like I couldn't lower the dose because then it always ran out before the end of the week, and taking more frequently always caused my levels to skyrocket even when I adjusted the dosage to compensate.

I'm taking estradiol by pill now and it's way way better, I feel good. But I'm not going back on spiro for a number of reasons, and I'm beginning to suspect my T levels are rising because I get morning wood occasionally. I know you can't really do estrogen monotherapy with pills, and I'm worried about my T levels, but I'm also feeling so good rn that I'm not sure I want to change anything.

i want bigger boobs but i do not yet have the strength to do what i need to do

::: spoiler spoiler take prog rectally :::

never was into the idea of painting my nails but maybe it would get me to stop biting them all the damn time

I posted the Unjust Depths content warning in the lib queer discord & talked abt it a lil cause I havent seen it. I am reviewing early chapters for reference. The queer lib discord does not want me talking about murder queers which is deeply disappointing tbh, I would go off about Hunter III's eating habits in there all day. Stan a smol gay texan murder salamander! I have a lot of fun posting about stuff like that and weirding people out tbh.

Uh I legit forgot that the very first chapter is from Erich von Fueller's perspective... why? He is gonna disappear for like the vast majority of the next nine episodes, how long of a game are we setting up here?

::: spoiler Unjust Depths 9.4 except I got owned by GunslingerSky's superior free time and reading speed. How could this happen!!! The volume of Unjust Depths posting seems to be increasing dramatically though, which is rad.

Aaliyah is so fucking hardcore about Sieglinde, it's great. Ulyana is maybe understandably a lot more sympathetic to her, but Aaliyah is rightly all SHE KILLED OUR COMRADES IN THE REVOLUTION, SHE SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE

I first saw the Restorative Justice concept discussed in The Last Girl Scout, and it's still really refreshing to me. Like IMO, if Aaliyah or Khajida just straight up slit her throat, it would be brutal and kind of pointless, indeed it wouldn't serve justice as Aaliyah says, but I'd find it kind of hard to blame them. But no, instead our hard-assed commie captain and commissar happily hear her out. So much for bloodthirsty tankies...

It's a great moment for Sieglinde too, it's hard not to be sympathetic to her. I mean she wasn't literally as child soldier but she was basically groomed for combat, under threat of not being accepted by her adopted family. She's also a little more based than I had expected, describing the leadership as "greedy Imperial landlords", lol.

Sieglinde needs a hug, big time...

Also CAPTAIN ULYANA IS ON HER WAY INTO UN-FUMBLE TOWN It's so adorable & funny when Aaliyah folds her ears and her tail shakes a bit, like dawwwwww you fucking dorky cat! She has a soft center actually, and Ulyana absolutely must be getting close to repairing things.

However, it had a nice boozy bite to it, and it would certainly fuck her up.

And getting fucked up was all she wanted in that moment, inshallah.

KHAJIDA ❤ and then immediately KHAJIDA OH NO, now I feel bad for Sieglinde, rip. Not like it's unexpected though... :::

I love how these threads are growing bigger every week. Our posting is getting so powerful.

::: spoiler Spoiler-free Unjust Depths chicanery So I was thinkin really hard, mostly because every Diver pilot comes out of their machine covered in sweat and exhausted I suppose...

All of the enlisted soldiers onboard the Brigand must be incredibly fit, right? And maybe the sailors too? Like, DYEL-tier, muscular & athletic, surely. Idk how much mechanical resistance is or isn't involved in diver piloting, but like certainly right? In general? Just a secret cruiser full of incredibly strong women?

There's not a lot of descriptions of people's physicalities iirc, so Idk, maybe not. Sonya Shalikova is meant to be pretty slim, so maybe Diver piloting isn't that physically strenuous? But I'm kinda surprised that Depths hasn't leaned on "hot stronk women" thing at all, to my memory. Could always do it, y'knowwww...

Tbh the Buff Transbian is one of my favourite archetypes and rarely seen, so y'know! :::

::: spoiler Massive, nearly play-by-play analysis of Unjust Depths 9.5 - click for autistic transgender homosexuality!! 9.5: MAJIDA MENTIONED!!!!! Twice even! But this is The Relationships Chapter, for everybody.

Shalikova continues to be adorable in her nervous affection for Cuttlefish Lady. "Purple marshmallow"!!!!

It's a cool scene when she walks in to Maryam travelling in the aether, it really feels like her understanding of Maryam has increased considerably.

Whatever it was that she was doing, Shalikova wanted to support her.

I love Sonya Shalikova so much. She could overtake Murati in my favourites. This scene is fucking adorable ugh I could keysmash about it. Nowt but love in my heart for them, the way Madiha writes their awkward new love makes me feel. Oh my god they're so cute help????? Like their bit is that Maryam is the overly enthusiastic sunshiney one and Shalikova is the overly serious stiff and awkward one, but they're so cute at eachother that the dynamic feels perfectly balanced between them.

I'm your idiot now, Maryam.

Shalikova's narration of psionics also feels deeply textural in a way that says "the tism!" very loudly to me. Feels like more of a sensory thing for her, which is rad. Her stream of consciousness is full of flavour like that. I also like that Maryam observes that she feels "dominant and strong, like a Warlord", that's 'strong personality' right? My read is that Sonya's neurotype informs her entire experience of love and affection, and I adore that. There are dedicated romance novels with autistic leads that don't hit the mark as precisely as this.

HAHA, oh man de la Rosa talking about how she always strikes gold with freely available independent fiction, it might seem self-congratulatory if it weren't 100% true. I think I've said what she narrates about it 100% verbatim before.

de la Rosa feels like a self insert for my stupid ass, like Hello ma'am I am also hopelessly obsessed with gay women in my books. I am being reached out to by the author. I really like this, her little summary of Blind Princess and the Kind Retainer reads sort of like what I'm writing right now... There are multiple levels of meta at play, lol.

"Why- why are you freaking out so much. We're both girls, you can stop hiding."

Even Alex realised immediately what a stupid thing to say that was.

Lol, lmao! It's fun to see Handsome Gamer Genivov being nervous and awkward when she's usually so boisterous and loud. I like how when reading Unjust Depths, it pays not to judge a gay by their cover - characters will make weird or even bad impressions at first, and then unfurl amazingly, become fascinating and multi-faceted. Video games are reactionary and cringe, but it's nice to see de la Rosa tolerate Genivov's hobby :)

Handily contrasting how Shalikova sees psionics as an absolute win, meanwhile, Murati is all freaked out about the inequality of being able to read Karuniya's feelings when Karu cannot do the same. Dw Murati it's okay, Karu is a fucking weirdo so it all evens out. At this point "evil ingenuity" is rubbing me really wrongly coming from Karuniya, a fucking weirdo, should not be mischevious. "Hubby" is a straggot term, Karuniya, shut the fuck up.

For what it's worth, it is a decentish scene for the pair of them, and I don't intend to constantly belabour the fact of my boundless disdain for Karuniya. It is at least cool to see Murati show some sexual initiative, I realise now that one of the reasons their relationship can feel so creepy and unbalanced--especially in that 8.13 flashback--is that it's been Karuniya doing almost all of the horny perving, with Murati being mostly passive, which makes her feel weirdly objectified to me. This is at least a slight improvement to the status quo.

The way Zachikova and Arbitrator I are described as cuddling does not, as the narration says, seem out of character for me. It's a very casual, parallel-play type of physical affection, I know it and I like it. Autism. To be honest, Abritrator wrapping her body around Zachikova and sniffing at her hair while she's using a terminal, it reminds me of cuddling my wife sometimes. I adore that Zachikova feels comfortable enough around Madame Fishy, and that this level of comfort is new to her. Affection in general is new to Braya Zachikova, and she seems to have poor emotional regulation about it but isn't distressed by it, which is very cute.

...and then Zachikova says she's all-ready to kill Arbitrator I in a multitude of ways! Countermeasures because she's unfamiliar with cohabiting!! This is weird even to me, but it's funny and befitting of our favourite former spec-ops robotic lady. She is so blunt, they have a curious but deeply pleasant dynamic. This is the best fucking autism rep this side of The Outside by Ada Hoffmann, and the single best chapter of Unjust Depths thus far.

Relatedly, Arbitrator revealing herself to be a sexy(??) yet meek vampire fish is weirdly intimate. I feel weirdly sympathetic to Arbitrator's struggle not to harm humans despite her bloodlust, which is probably me and my murder-gays-affection speaking again. Arbitrator is all fucked up and borderline ashamed about it though, and I think extremely highly of Zachikova for calmly considering Arbitrator's problem without freaking out, she's so good to her fishy gf. I'm uh glad Zachikova can get off to it, there's so much going on in this one scene. Great stuff.

There are some scraps, too:

Ulyana in fact IS on her way to un-fumbling; she and Aaliyah are having more than one shot, in their night clothes, toasting to the proletarian revolution! Progress!! Mostly they talk about the progress of the Brigand's mission and its truly wonderful crew, but I liked Aaliyah drunkenly nuzzling Ulyana's hand, very cute.

ELENA IS READING THEORY NO FUCKING WAY, on her way to becoming a bonafide Mordecist!!! And telling Marina about it!!!!! It's great seeing Marina acknowledge that she hadn't been considering Elena's feelings, and Elena apologising for trying to hurt Marina. They'll get better together, as friends!

Euphrates and Tigris mostly bicker about current events and get a little inspired to resolve the Sunlight Foundation's internal contradictions, thanks to Murati. They are cute together at least, and it's nice to know Tigris took in Euphrates' blood to become immortal.

Haaaaaaaaaaha oh man, Sonya being so awkward asking Murati for advice is noooot stemming my nascent filthy rotten shipping instincts! They WILL kiss!!! Read eachothers', auras, homos, and play coy!!!! Avoid eachothers' clear affections

Is it kind of a pacing mishap to have ALL OF THESE relationship updates piled into one chapter? Maybe, but it's a good come-down after Goryk's Gorge, the ascent and all of the interrogations, plus it pulled my heartstrings a bunch of times. I was reading Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant (a messy but enjoyable shlock-horror novel) when I theorised: if you add queers, transes, autists, and other identities I have to your genre fiction's protagonists, it will greatly improve my investment in everything else, right up to action sequences. Unjust Depths is the absolute poster child for this though, the quality relationships are the bedrock for everything else, the political maneuvering and mecha action and deep-sea esoterics.

Addendum: In plot movement terms, at the end we finally get Carthus, once again, Erich's pet evil twink. My excitement knows no bounds, his dramatic expressions of being the mercury to Erich's sun, is this what yaoi is usually like? If you keep me on a steady dose of lesbians alongside it, I could get used to this too. Sing to your prince, racist pretty boy~!

I adore what an irredeemable little fuck Carthus is, ooh he's SUCH an evil murder twink. Nice to see that Erich has access to Sunlight's EDEN database too, and his bag is that the Sunlight Foundation basically allowed Emperor Nocht I to erase history and build this shitty empire with all its troubles. He wants to rewrite history and the empire in his own image. A united One World Government, beginning with the destruction of the summer palace. He is playing an EXCEEDINGLY long game. :::

Me waiting for the next trans mega

oh god i can feel myself becoming the basic ass trans girl with a praise kink in real time

::: spoiler Y'all tired of these Unjust Depths postings yet? 9.3 discussion. Not much to say about 9.3, kind of a slight chapter. I adore how Khajida feels equally:

• Deeply disappointed/anticlimaxed that her rival, the Red Baron, is just a pathetic, sad, lacking, exhausted dumb bitch who sucks, and won't give her the satisfying victory of killing her

• Gutted to see that Sieglinde is very much like her: middle aged and feeling the passage of time, slowing down, borderline sympathetic, and totally understandable

• Hateful that Sieglinde is sad and self-pitying and feeling remorse after causing so much suffering and fighting for horrendous causes, killing her comrades

It's such a complicated tangle of emotions, it's kind of a huge mess after that lifelong rivarly. Hearing Khajida silently goad Sieglinde to do something about what a heartless, evil person she's been, it's great. But also though HOW DARE U KHAJIDA 42 YEARS IS NOT "OLD" >:|

The interrogations with Marina and Arbitrator are all absolutely hilarious though. When Ulyana asks why Marina wasn't honest about Elena being royalty, she yaps:

"You're fucking communists! one of your things is 'eat the rich' isn't it?"

You see Marina, The Romanovs Deserved it, we have a brick wall and some rifles down in the brig,

I was less pleased when Ulyana asked about uh, Elena's parentage. ULYANA!!! DO NOT FUCKING REFER TO HER AS A "FATHER" I am so pleased that Aaliyah glares at her for this, good stuff. Beloved commissar.

Afterword we get Zachikova and Arbitrator I at the desk, and when Arbitrator describes the bomb collar Zachikova put on her as "a form of play", and declares her intent to breed with Zachikova, I lost it. Zachikova is furious and deeply flustered throughout the whole thing, so Arbitrator will call her "master" and Zachikova will threaten to blow her fucking head off, and then Aaliyah goes "This is an interrogation not some raunchy kink thread on a BBS!" I love her, ngl.

I am glad that Ulyana is asking the same what-are-her-motives questions I am about Arbitrator tho, and fwiw it does seem like Abritrator is just kinda vibing, like she probably actually just wants to kiss Zachikova a bunch? :::

::: spoiler Head Full, Many Thought: Unjust Depths 9.1-9.2 Sonya Shalikova kissed her cuttlefish lady finally, and it was adorable. I relate strongly to her acting alienated about the ways people date and have sex, very cool. She could do it for Maryam!!!!

Conversely Dear Zachikova, the fish lady with the gore robe emerging from a pile of fleshy briney guts is NOT AT ALL SUS, she is NOT MIND CONTROLLING YOU and you should DEFINITELY FUCK HER lmao. I do like how blunt Zachikova's narration is about her attractions and lack thereof. She is extremely, deeply unconcerned about fucking the newly-formed fish lady. Took a lot of restraint not to fuck her on the floor of the hangar though, I never had Zachikova pegged for "too horny to live, will be subsumed by a sexy sea creature"... uncritical support though, lol. I like Arbitrator I and her aid in the ascent of the Brigand is extremely cool, the whole Omenseers thing fucks really hard.

During that same ascent, Yana finally gets over her hangups with EMOTIONAL SUPPORT CATGIRL AALIYAH, WHO GETS YOU THROUGH SUDDEN ASCENT! Everything from the point Ulyana realises that Arbitrator I is the dancer fish to the point where she calls for damage assessment is rad.

Meanwhile onboard the Antenora, I really did expect Norn to just beat the absolute living shit out of Gertrude, repeatedly, viciously. I woulda critically supported her, even! But the way she sees Emperor Konstantin in Gertrude, how she feels like a failure of a mentor, how she grants forgiveness to her, and the way she considers all of this as she stares at her own clenched fist while time is stopped? Again it's a stellar moment for her. Norn always seems like she's just rampaging around manipulating and murdering motherfuckers to take her bottomless anger out, but there's so much going on with her internally. Her complicated feelings about the Emperor, her shrouded mysterious past with the Sunlight Foundation, her bond with Adelheid. She is an absolutely fucking superb villian. If evil lady bad, why sympathetic and complex and fascinating??? I cannot fathom her motivations and I desperately want to know.

Out of the Loser Gang, Selene sees the most immediate change, having been schooled by some funny gay autist.

Selene was speechless. Not just at the doctor's manic behaviour, but at her own foolishness.

She had pumped a lot of psynadium during her confrontation with that girl-

Sonya Shalikova.

To think she had ti go this far to try to outmatch her and even so-

And as a result Sonya has a rival now, finally!! Selene deserves to feel like a pathetic untermensch or whatever the fuck, what a nerd lol. What credibility did she have?

But aside from ubermensch here getting dunked on, I learned a lot about her inner workings. When Selene asks questions about Who She Is, Why She Was Born, What She Is Meant For, I realise finally that she has fundamentally misunderstood the concept of purpose in life.

She asserts that natal humans are born with innate destinies, in families, states, ethnicities and such. She asserts that even Katarrans have a born purpose, but that she has nothing as a blank-slate person, and asks how to attain a destiny if not born with it. She is so myopically focused on PURPOSE that she cannot envision making her own. A character flaw of sorts. She desperately wants to be told her purpose, and knows not what she would do with herself if given freedom. Norn, who lives in spite of her grand stated purposes, strikes a fascinating contrast.

I'll be real, chat, Unjust Depths is really picking up. Its leads are gaining in complexity and the pacing is tighter than a guitar string. Already good and only keeps getting better. :::

Break yourself inside out, she told me
We know deep down there's no way
Even if I smash the mirror
How do we look?
Not cute

Oh, lullaby
Don't stop until I fall in flames
Stay with, stay with me until the end of time

So carry on, love the subhuman self
Time goes on, lasting road
I left my regret
So carry on, love the subhuman self
Time goes on, lasting road
I feel a touch of moonlight

is almost as trans as bridget's theme

tekken 8 looks kind of busted, sajam seems to be getting shitty connections and 1 and done matchups all the time. shoutout to alpacas tho

::: spoiler Relitigating my stupid takes on Unjust Depths 13.8 that suck We should all benefit from my extensive pain & suffering today, because despite everything I did manage to improve my understanding somewhat. Consider this a follow up to my welcome to hell, 8.13) post.

First off, my assumption about Karuniya's "thing" being neurotypical woo-woo was absolutely completely accurate. This I simply know to be the case, because if you ask neurotypicals (or even anybody neurodiverse, usually) about this type of thing, they'll just wave their fingers mysteriously and be confused about why you do not 'get' & adore it. They'll act like it is simply known, so no luck there. Makes sense, I think the entire flashback is really underwritten; long passages of dialogue go unaccompanied by any real descriptive narration or anything beyond Karuniya's running commentary. I don't think it gives the reader a sense of the affection between them, which as an autist makes perfect sense, 'pls be more obvious' y'know.

The revelation that I hadn't considered, because it does not enter my mind, because wtf, is something most readers probably find really obvious: ✨ It's a butch/femme bit ✨ ! And I was like ohhhhhhh, a lightbulb powered on in my brain, this makes perfect sense! Karuniya isn't a creep because she's necessarily a weird fetishist, she's a creep because the bit they're doing is a literal husband-and-wife bit!!! Although you do have to wonder, on their first date, has Murati agreed to play The Man in this relationship? Was it discussed, does it count as consenting if they woo-woo vibes make eyes at eachother neurotypically? It sort of seems like Karuniya has constructed a "Murati" in her brain before they even date.

Vibes-based analysis, I see two sorts of contexts, ish, in which butch/femme appears as a 'thing'. One is mostly as an aesthetic or stylistic choice for the people involved, and not a lot more than that? The other one I tend to associate with like, old 1970s bar culture, and has both of them be almost gender identities unto themselves, with the butch basically being a 1:1 comedy trad man replacement. A thing! (Please bully me over this weird and probably wrong read, I do not pride myself on social understanding)

It's pretty efficient as an explanation, because whenever I've read queer fic that plays into this really specific gendery butch/femme, I have been almost as weirded out by those too. Personally I never got why you'd want to replicate stock-standard heterosexual RETVRN gender roles with women... but I tend not to worry about it. If cis women wanna do that, sure, power to you. Hell, if trans people wanna, of course, who the fuck am I to say no?

The problem I have with 8.13 is many compounding things: as I nudged above, it kind of seems like this whole idea only comes from Karuniya's end, like it's wholly her thing and she pushes it onto Murati. In the flashback I feel like I can read Murati's reaction to it as anything from "slightly bemused" to "really awkward", and she seems more confused than anything when Karuniya starts calling her "husband" way back. Recently, as in circa 9.x, Karuniya has taken to calling her "hubby" and does Murati ever respond to it??? The time when Murati observes that Karuniya is "a screamer" in 9.5 is literally the first time I can remember that Murati has expressed, really romantic or sexual attraction, not just to her fiance but to ANYBODY. She's so passive and quiet about it, even in her inner thoughts, and Karuniya's enthusiastic prattling seems weird by contrast. I had kind of hoped 8.13 was gonna show us that Yes, Murati wants it too! but only barely. The romantically inexpressive, surprisingly unreactive Murati is a poor match for Karuniya's over-enthused neurotypical hypersexuality.

The truth is though, it doesn't really cover for Karuniya being desperately cock-hungry all the time. I don't need to belabour that point though, because frankly pretty much everything I said in that post still holds up. Karuniya seems flippant and uninterested in anything about Murati that doesn't involve sex. Do they ever talk about anything else? Surely Karuniya should be asking Murati how her squad leadership is going, right, since it's new for her? I know so much more about the link between Sonya and Maryam, or Norn and Adelheid, than I do the protagonist and her fiance.

I think Murati/Karuniya is an underwritten mess, lacking a lot of the small, telling details you would usually see in a good romance, or even several of the relationships in Unjust Depths!! It's an ugly mix and I hate it, I really wish I could not think this, but there is soooooo much at play here.

As an addendum: I find it interesting that Murati/Karuniya as a pair is so steeped in a real-world parsing of gender between sapphics. Most of the relationships in UD range anywhere from "somewhat removed from our social context" (autistic mech pilot x psionic cuttlefish churchlady) to "waaaay removed from our social context", (autistic robot lady x bloodsucking shifter fish woman from the depths) I do really like that the author is so enamoured with fish, it's cute and fun. But I'm not primed to expect what is bssically a sapphic romance trope, to me it sticks out like a sore thumb. :::