Coworkers have starting teasing me about my hair because I've been growing it out. Say it looks like Gene Wilder's (it does). But, like, Gene Wilder is awesome?

Another coworker says I look like Timothy shalomet (I don't), and he sure is pretty. Do they just think I have a magical Wonka aura?

Anyway, I take this as evidence that my hair is reaching outside the bounds of Acceptable Male Gender Expression, so the enforcement is now taking place. That's good I guess.

One of them asked me if I ever want to be a woman, and I said sometimes.

I mean, some of these people have seen me off work with makeup, earrings, hair styled, and femme clothes, and they still don't get it lol. The cis really do be oblivious sometimes.

They just think I'm "fashionable" lmao

This morning, I got the biggest surprise phone call of my life so far. To my sheer shock and surprise, they moved my bottom surgery from next week to this week. I did not expect them to move it up this close to my surgical date. I was not prepped for this, but I'm all for it. LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

oh my god

i was on a discord call with like 2 queer friends last night. Girl name, she/her pronouns. I had earlier used that one nicer shampoo/conditioner that I've been leaving around my shower for god knows how long so this time my hair looked really good? Mid length, "masculine" cut but something about the way my headphones acted as a headband almost made my hair look really nice? My friend even noticed and commented on how she loved my hair

I spent like half an hour just kind of zoning out of the call looking at myself on the screen and for the first time I actually... felt nice. Like, I actually liked what I saw, I was visibly happy with myself. I ended up taking 5 selfies on that call and for the first time in my life I did that because I actually wanted to

still cis tho

went away for the state enforced Christian holiday, interacted with a heap of people and felt constantly treated like a guy, I kept feeling like everyone was about to call me the name I stopped using five years ago, I started doing it in my head, and having dreams about it

good reminder to not go anywhere I guess. sorry for sadposting, i'm fine

Wanted to see if I could find some kind of support group for transfems in my city so I could maybe build some kind of social network for myself.

Despite my city frequently being in the top 10 most queer cities of my state, there were only 2 possible monthly meet-ups I could attend as a transfem. One was for only for trans people in their 20s which means I'd be out of the range within the next year, and the other was for all gender diverse individuals 18 or older.

Both of these left me with that dreaded feeling that comes with starting my transition later in life. Ngl I feel kinda alienated by how young these skew and I'm a bit wary. I might go anyway to the 20s group while I still can and I'll see about the other one. Hopefully at least one of these leads to something positive.

down with cis

This week I am practicing waving at people and saying hello, instead of nodding at people and saying hello, as a form of greeting at work. I am told nodding is a Dude Gesture, which must be a Command & Conquer reference else it's completely illogical.

What other secretly gendered gestures and shit do I still have after so long? Honestly this whole "gender" thing seems kinda fuckin stupid sometimes.

they say going on e is going to make you cry a bunch and honestly that sounds really nice i need some hormone assisted crying rn

i shaved my sideburns

no more plausible deniability, I wanna try female hormonal chemistry

God has made no mistake. He gave the artist the perfect canvas and gave her all of the tools; Everything she needed to make her masterpiece. I was born to be an autistic trans girl

if brevity is the soul of wit then this autistic transfemme got to be the dumbest girl on earth. i literally cannot stop posting/talking

It’s official. I’m currently in the waiting room of the hospital waiting to be taken back for my bottom surgery. I am out of my mind happy and nervous at the same time. Nice things like this aren’t supposed to happen to me. And yet here we are. It feels like a dream ;w;

duct taping an epilator to the wall so i can do my back like a bear scratching themselves on a fucking tree

Experiencing high anxiety that coincides with estrogen peaks :/ maybe I just need to adjust my dose. Ofc there's a small part of me that is quite scared that I wasn't "meant" for estrogen and I was all wrong about being trans. (Sorry i have been anxious about this for the last while on here :/)Then I have moments where I see old pictures of me as a guy and I'm like who tf is that that looks TERRIBLE and I absolutely never want to be him again. It's so confusign

Update: I’m officially in recovery at the hospital. Everything went extremely well. Took way less time than I expected. I just didn’t update sooner cause I was so doped up on pain meds that everything I said would trail off into nonsense.

FIRST AWW YEAH, the fruits of getting up at 7am for work.

Great week, superb posting, thanks again for having me ❤

Always love when I wake up and see there's 20+ new comments in the trans mega

I'm starting to see misogyny around the site and it's starting to concern me. Just seems casual and here and there, but it's getting upvoted, which concerns the hell out of me.

Ayo @SnowySkyes@hexbear.net real? I'd only seen a couple scuffed comments on some of the "woke booba" posts, dang. We hate to see it.

Cab driver guy gendered me and my wife as "girls". This usually wouldn't be that notable, except that My Brother In Christ, I was wearing my work uniform, unkempt and worse than zero effort, not even trying voicewise.

Was cab driver guy doing a bit, or is this the definition of winning? I know it's kinda brainwormed to be suspicious when people gender you correctly, but I tend to expect that my voice will out me most days, but uh it hasnt happened. I feel both extremely satisfied and somewhat confused. Actually I can't even remember the last time I got gendered wrong, gotta be more than a year ago by now. I'm the scary gender-apathetic dyke I always wished to be...

The realisations I've had over the last few weeks that I actually pass is giving me a dangerous amount of confidence

Haiii, how is everyone today, hopefully good!!! Anyways I wish you all to have a great week this week!!! Much love!!! 😘😘😘🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

I got a call back this morning from the Patient Advocate revolving around that mess from last week.

::: spoiler CW: Transphobia/Talk about bottom surgery

Original Post

They called me this morning and told me that they themselves had no real power. They then told me that they would refer the case to the doctor’s supervisor at the clinic I went to for further review. Just a few minutes ago, I received a call from his supervisor. Surprisingly, it was also my general practitioner. He told me that it was unacceptable and told me that it was likely that he was using dictation software. However, considering the frequency and certain ordering of things in the document that it was unlikely it was on accident. He asked if I wanted a call back after he spoke to him tomorrow and I agreed. I’m hoping action is taken, but it’s unlikely.

I honestly wish this whole thing would just go away now. I hate thinking about it. I hate everything about it and it’s poisoning the happiness I should be feeling right now for my bottom surgery next week. This document was going to be kept for a keepsake because it was the final hurdle to get to the surgery aside from just walking into the hospital.

I feel like shit and just want to cry over it. I just wish there were more I could do. But I don’t think I have any protections in this state. I just wish it never happened already. Why do people have to be like this? :::

hey how come no one told me that realizing you're trans makes the dysphoria way worse? my new words i can use only have exacerbated my discomfort

oh god i don't even know how i'm going to manage the second puberty emotions, i'm already having trouble dealing with the ones i have now

::: spoiler volcel criminal shit right here the thought of "oh my god you can have a girl ass" crossed through my mind at work yesterday and i felt like i needed to lay down holy fuck :::

An old jacket of mine I really liked doesn't fit anymore and it's got me feeling some kind of way. I can wear it, but when it's zipped I can't breathe lol

inside of me there are two radically different trans femmes and they're both trying to win me over like they're trying to call over a puppy to see who the dog REALLY loves

edit: oh i think these are OCs come to think of it. fuck. i guess this is a thing i have now

Found an informed consent clinic that is "near" me but takes video calls so I don't have to wait months for care hopefully. Just keep getting too anxious to call them to make an appointment

All of the yeses and maybes on gender diverse survey is really uplifting. I love reading about everyone’s personal experiences with their gender.

I keep doing gender affirmation for myself in the absolute dumbest possible way by just saying the normal, gender neutral shit I'm doing is actually girl stuff and super femme. Frozen pizzas for dinner is femme now. The worst part about this is that it actually sort of works

I’m in such an immense amount of pain today. My cycle decided to start today of all days and it’s causing muscles that were just cut through to cramp up on me, which is so intensely painful that I’m just trying to stay asleep at all times at this point.

I woke up at 4 AM from a nightmare that a shadowy organization had broken into my house and confiscated all my estrogen vials and it took me several minutes to realize it was just a dream

::: spoiler Discussion of slur reclaimation, I try to avoid reproducing slurs but I gotta here and there so CW slurs, 4ch discussion

Something I had kind of memoryholed until just recently is that the kids, broadly speaking I guess under-20s, are trying to take back the t-slur! I have seen it in a Black Dresses server (surely the most apt place for this to happen) and also on tumblr generally. I'm pretty sure people do it irl too.

This isn't new for the trans community, ofc; if you read the ultraclassic Gender Outlaw(Bornstein), or indeed Trans Liberation(Feinberg), you can catch people identifying by "he-she", "f*ggot", "transvestite" and many other quaint slurs, and generally I think I support the motion to reclaim the t-slur. It seems like /pol/ and the gang have had to move onto the etymologically poor, far less effective "tr**n" as a substitute, slur downgrade, which is what we wanna see.

I have permanent brainrot though, like some of those /lgbt/ brainworms might never come out. I've tried using it for myself and such once or twice, but it's just burned into my brain as a 4chan thing, and all I can remember is getting bullied by tripcodes and called AGP and stuff on /mtfg/. Classic.

It feels kind of lame, because I like "dyke" and "queer" for myself, and while I wouldn't use "f*ggot" for myself, it doesn't touch any nerves. But that stupid blue board ruined my mind, and I'll forever be unable to get with it, I guess.

Uh thoughts if you have em? Idk how old or young the average age skews here =) Curious for other people's takes on this specific instance of slur reclaimation. :::

i feel like i'm going to get banned from the trans mega if i post too much so i only post like 15% of the stuff that i want to. still fun though :)

Saw a new doctor today for my hrt - I have plenty of meds but really just want my blood tests covered by insurance. It's always been really nerve-wracking talking about DIY with doctors ever since I had some bad experiences with my first few, but this doctor was just respectfully curious, wanted to know where it came from. Seems the mood towards DIY has changed since the 2000s. Or maybe it's just because I've been on it so long. Either way, It's nice.

::: spoiler No Unjust Depths spoilers just gay mushy garbage ❤

Ulyana sighed a little inside, but she should have expected this anyway.

It wasn't like she had put a ring on her finger or anything.

She had not even confessed just how deep her feelings for this furry- eared, bright-eyed, thin-tailed Shimii had become. How much any word of support from her meant to Ulyana. Aaliyah, more than she knew, turned immediately into Ulyana's guiding light whenever she spoke. With this woman at her side, the Captain felt like she could go anywhere and conquer any obstacle.

This was not something that Ulyana could say out loud.

Chin up, Captain Ulyana!! Let the far-flung goal of Aaliyah ear-scritches be your motivating force!! You can save this fumble!!! Uncritical support!!!!

Tbh the idea that Ulyana has like no experience actually being in a deep relationship is just, let your "irrational girlish longing" flow, captain. Ugh I adore her, she can do it. :::

my coworker called me "sweet angel" today. I don't think she really meant anything by it but oh wow uhhhh... can you say that 5 more times?

Really wanna hear the Ballroom Blitz in the club again

I usually inject once every.5 days but today is day 6 and I still haven't done it... I'm feeling quite weird and kinda raw and depressed. Is this expected or just me? Anyone else have any experience?

is there like a single reddit post or brief guide out there on how to do trans femme shit? i don't want to bumble around asking the same question that's been asked 100,000 times before like "where the fuck do i get estrogen?" and "there an informed consent clinic nearby, do i just call them ask for an appointment or what?"

i honestly just prefer reading stuff rather than watching youtube tutorials but really i just want to know how to ask that informed consent clinic for E. god i'm fucking sick of this cisgender shit.

I was getting a factory warranty for my car registered and I had to give my legal name w/ driver's license --I haven't gotten that shit changed yet -- but my voice training must have paid off because person on the phone just carried on calling me ma'am for the rest of the call. ☺️

Got an massive wave of dysphoria at work today because of the boymoding. Started to question why I fucking do this to myself. I'm lucky enough to be in a place where it wouldn't cause problems for me if people knew that I'm trans, the only reason I boymode is because it would be a little bit scary not to. It's really not worth feeling like shit just to avoid that. I'm done with this and I'm just gonna show up fem next week.

I still live with my family who are in that gray area of "we aren't going to actively be transphobic but we also aren't going to make any efforts to try to gender you correctly or show support to you" and my mom expressed some disapproval with trans/queer stuff in the past and I worry that if I start taking T it would be a step too far in her eyes. But maybe I should just bite the bullet and start looking for informed consent HRT near me because I don't know how much longer I can take this and also the changes might not be the most noticeable to start with.

My loneliness exacerbates my (many) mental illnesses and my mental illnesses exacerbate my loneliness... and the lack of HRT isn't helping.

Wearing my new sneakers around the house because they're so gender affirming

HRT question: I understand that smokers aren't supposed to take estradiol as pills due to the risk of blood clots. Is this true for all types of smoking or only nicotine? Wondering if it's safe for me to smoke weed.

so today at work was fun. i was nauseously dysphoric all day and felt like i wanted to throw up for a whole 8 hours . i have absolutely no words for this. even now i still feel off and gross. getting called "sir" or the name that's on my name tag has never hurt like this. for the first two hours today i wanted to cry. I haven't changed any (visible) physical thing about my presentation but it just hurts more now? what the fuck???

at the very least, i have many years experience of sucking down a ton of difficult emotions and powering through a day of school/work anyway, so at least i was prepared

Anyone have any good resources on/about trans people who don't realize it until later(ish) in life (18+)? I keep having this nagging feeling about not liking being a guy (this has been happening for months now) but my childhood was very cis and every time I hear trans people talk about when they "knew" they were like 7. I don't know exactly what I feel like I should be either.

Anyway, might be nothing, but still would be interesting to hear/read about it.

Things continue to get better and better between my partner and myself. ::: spoiler boring relationship stuff I'm starting to get over my fears of talking about my transition with my partner, and we've been having some of the best conversations of our 10 year relationship. He keeps reiterating how much he loves me and that he's not leaving. Which are things I desperately needed to hear. I've stopped presenting as male at home pretty much all the time now. He's also started to gender me differently at home which has been incredible. He referred to me and my dog as ladies last night and I nearly died.

He's also expressed his fears. Which are the same fears I have. Societal backlash, family issues, friends, employment. We live in a safe neighborhood in a safe city, but we are surrounded by an ocean of reactionaries. But I legitimately feel like we can overcome anything together.

In other semi-related news, my therapist diagnosed me with OCD on Tuesday. Which isn't surprising really. I have some powerful compulsions that are driven by an extreme fear of rejection. I'm pretty sure most of my internalized transphobia comes from those same fears of rejection. I know for a fact that my complete inability to talk about this stuff with my partner is driven by those fears.

All in all it's been an interesting week. ::: .

I keep getting struck by "holy shit how did i not realize sooner" followed by "honestly i'm shocked it didn't take longer to realize" and both sides have some good points

::: spoiler CW: internet transphobia and bad feelings

Hate seeing "AFAB vs AMAB" essentialism and "transfems are like this" bullshit even on lefty places like here. I'm probably just being oversensitive and should delete all social media but youtube animal facts. I feel like I can't trust anywhere on the internet to accept trans people. :::

uninformed consent clinic where they tell you what HRT will do to you only through very cryptic poetry in a centuries dead language

me 2 months ago: <--- full of sad

me now: <--- full of fun t girl music

like lmao it really took 20+ fuckin years to figure this puzzle out

Hi trans mega :)

::: spoiler Some 8.10/8.11 Unjust Depths discussion, mech battles n character things

okay remember how I said I wanted more Murati flashbacks, my heart might not be able to take it. In 8.11 you get to see ten year old Sonya and I'm like BAWWWWWWWW LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS, LOOK HOW EXCITED SHE IS AT GETTIN GENDER AFFIRMED Zasha is such a cool older sister, she lectures about the meaning of combat and supports her kid sister transitioning... but like look at this adorable lil autist, "It's like crazy how good I am" yes it is you little fucking lovable dork, you ARE the hero!!! and she has a stuffed cuttlefish lol. I wonder what thats about =)

Also the mech fights in this chapter? 11/10 no notes, Sieglinde getting battered by Khajida with two chainswords while receiving a vicious roasting had me like FUCKING GET ER KHAJIDA, SHOW THAT BITCH WHAT A UNION PILOT WITH SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR CAN DO!!! Similarly, Sonya diving out of the way of the Option drone, baiting it to shoot the Jagdkaiser because Selene is a fucking idiot? When Sonya says I'm not a lab rat! I'm Sonya Shalikova! You think this is fun? Are you enjoying yourself?, uncritical support to Sonya in her pitched battle to murder Selene. There is an interesting footnote tho:

"She generated no ambient emotions for Selene to pick up. She was invisible to psionic senses."

I thought Sonya just had really strong latent powers that stopped Maryan from reading her, but... is the implication here that Sonya is invisible to psionic vision cause shes just that fuckin autistic that her emotions are unreadable?

Shalikova felt like crying - she was crying - there was so much pouring out of her. She knew it was irrational, but she was so affected by the emotions she felt from Selene.

It definitely feels subtextually like psionic autism. Lol.

In other news, and since it so rudely interrupted the climax of battle, (a classic shonen battle trope) oh god for fuck's sake, I didn't realise we'd be getting flashback scenes of sad egg vibes in this, oh it puts me in mind of James H in Nevada holy shit. Going home to his shitty apartment in Star City to try on a dress and smoke weed and be depressed, as Marina does. I am so fucking dismayed that the word transvestism survived from the surface world, oh fuckin man Republic delenda est...

I do find it kind of funny that Marina has to shoulder all the internalised transphobia in this plot, because everyone else is too cool and rad. :::

::: spoiler Unjust Depths, just talking about our protagonist

I wanted to write a lil appreciation of Murati Nakara because she is a wonderful bean.

When you first meet her in the intro to Unjust Depths she almost seems kind of silly. The only things she really has going on are her girlfriend Karuniya, (they seem to have an uncomplicated and wonderful relationship) her skill at diver piloting and her ambition in the military. To be honest, early on I had thought she didn't really have any flaws, but she takes a good while to unfurl and bloom as a character.

Murati is not among the several autistic lesbians in Depths, that I know of anyway, but her staunch hard-headedness is very appealing! Much later in the series she's talking to this scientist lady who knew her parents, the famous revolutionaries the Nakaras, and she is borderline affronted when science lady says "Yeah they did a lot of great shit but they were mostly just oceanographers lol, idealists really" and it's borderline adorable. I can really respect how strongly she feels about her Mordecist beliefs and sense of justice. When she first steps off the Brigand and into an Imperial city, her moment of utter shock at a capitalist hellhole that leaves its people destitute and homeless is superb for her. Murati might be a military-strategic galaxybrain and a steadfast revolutionary, but she's also somewhat green, and her single-minded commitment to justice can sometimes cause problems, like she bothers Captain Ulyana for money to try to house these homeless guys in the Empire, holding up a critical extraction mission.

What I really want from her is more flashbacks, though. Stepping back in time about fifteen years and finding out that not only has Murati always been like this, but she was equally loud and brash about matters of her gender is a wonderful thing. She went from "good" to "great" though when she gave her adoptive parent Deshnov shit about his goofy-ass "allowed you to go on tbose medications" spiel.

It's fairly uncommon to see trans kids in fiction, unless it's some kind of Young Adult, coming-of-age story I guess, likely because the vast majority of trans people now still transition in their 20s or 30s. I'm weird though, and so the idea that an indignant, righteously angry 12 year old Murati had to lash out against Deshnov (and probably everybody else Idk) to get her way and be who she is? Wow, she just like me, fr fr. That's something I can really relate to, and even just hinting at that kind of hardship for her has me deeply invested basically for free. I feel a great affection for the First Officer, the Brigand couldn't ask for a better Diver Leader and I'm always excited when she is onscreen. Murati, my beloved ❤ :::

::: spoiler Reflections on Unjust Depths 8.5/8.6 Ok I adore how Shalikova and Maryan have completely different circumstances and upbringings, but conditions bring them to similar experiences over which they can bond and grow closer. The colours are cool new psionic powers only to be shared between you, sunshiney cuttlefish, and your new autistic mech pilot gf.

I still find Maryan to be a deeply weird character, which I guess is what happens when you get vat-grown to be a navigator for a warlord, but I'm down with her motivations and find her endearing, her backstory seems neat c: She is a land of contrasts; she has this adorably idealistic speech about how she believes everyone can and should use psionics, all deeper-understandings-between-people stuff... but we're talking about sandwich-thieving, dream-influencing cuttlefish lady, lmao. She has interesting ideas.

I was laughing my ass off when Maryan was giving that speech and Shalikova was like "Yeah but u got no dialectical materialism fam, no peace while the bourgeoisie persist" shine on, Sonya Shalikova.

Meanwhile Norn is a character who's improved by leaps and bounds to my eye. I think her main issue is she's always got this mask and can't say anything without making it a Disney villain monologue or something, so she can seem kind of silly sometimes, but her little moments of kindness I find very admirable, she's sweet at times:

"I don't understand. What- what's the point for you? Why would you go out of your way and challenge Euphrates? Why would you agree to release me afterward? I don't understand! I'm just a random piece of biological equipment!"

"No you are not. You are a scared girl who is being done wrong in the same way that I was by the exact same people."

"So- so what? If that's what you think then are you turning your back on the Sunlight Foundation?"

Norn grinned. "The only reason I am 'helping' them is to take advantage. To stop them from getting their way all the time. I won't stand them for them having you, so I took you away. You don't belong in their silver cage."

Adelheid spoke up. "Selene, Norn won't admit it, but she does care about you."

Like I wasn't expecting much from the Selene-Norn connection, but this is my favourite dysfunctional gay family.

Conversely though I gotta say, I sincerely do not understand Selene's wonderment at her parents existing. It would probably be deeply disquieting to have been made as a genetic weapon, as an experiment with intent to kill, sure; but that is what her parents did, basically, as she had already assumed. The only extra "context" it provides is that she's a genetic experiment made by some woman having an affair. I guess personally I've never been that concerned with the intent for or context of my existence, partly because I can't ascertain it. Sure, it'd be super weird if I found out tomorrow that I'm secretly a lab experiment or whatever, but that wouldn't change my existence on its own. Someone somewhere brought me into being; beyond that, it's mine to decide what to do with. It seems weird to me that Selene is so obsessed with the idea that two people vat-birthed her for a eugenics experiment, instead of the usual Katarran vat-birth for a specific job.

And then on top of that, the "context" that Selene is so obsessed with is apparently being a really good genetic superweapon:

"She was the fruit of the search for psionic potential in the human gene, and surely, that meant her mother had succeeded! She was a genetically psionic wunderkind!"

What the fuck do you care if mummy's eugenics project worked out? She's all tied up about a FATEFUL DESTINY and being SPECIAL, yeah ok Link sure. Got a divine bloodline in there to go with it? What a weird turn, and I liked Selene. :::

takes big swig of fuckitol fuck this. tomorrow morning i'm going to planned parenthood and asking about HRT in person

shaved my chest, shaved my back, epilated almost all of my legs and feet, been shaving my face far more regularly. oh god it's really happening i'm transing my gender. i'm honestly running out of body hair to take off

::: spoiler Unjust Depths 8.8/8.9 talk

"In this single moment, Gertrude's dreams could crumble right in front of her. All of her work, suffering, all the begging and cheating and the corpses she climbed - for nothing."

Self Awareness Gertrude does not reflect on her actions. She truly does think in waves. The battle against the Antenora is just starting up for the Brigand crew, and I'm pretty hyped.

Meanwhile,

Right? She wished the little nagging voice in her head was more supportive.

MOOD, SONYA

I like seeing Shalikova being CO as well, her internal bitching about how much better Murati is at this has me like OMG GO SIT WITH HER ✨ I believe in her ability to do this sometime since Murati is a perfect bean and could not be more approachable if she tried. I find the icy dynamics between them fascinating though, it really seemed back at the 3rd Battle of Thassalid that Sonya outright hated Murati or smth

So here is your incredibly blursed thought for the day: They should kiss. Murati and Sonya would make kind of a fun pair... Not as much obvious chemistry as Ulyana/Aaliyah or indeed Sonya and Maryan, but the way so much of Sonya's mindshare is spent thinking jealously/in admiration about how much better of a CO and tactician Murati is... combined with that initial awkwardness, I'm seeing it already. Sonya, nervous and gay, using her reverence for Murati's battlefield acumen as a shield to hide her hopelessly gay crush. Murati is very hardheaded, but I can see her wanting to be soft on a squadmate, being taken a little with Sonya's obviously flustered demanour, and things blossoming a bit from there.

That could be a cute AU fic, I think. Writing a blursed T4T pairing for Unjust Depths cause there's not any so far? Even though it feels a bit dirty, I may or may not be willing to brutalise A) Karuniya and B) the fan-favourite cuttlefish narratively to make this happen. :::

::: spoiler Unjust Depths , no spoilers just more goofin' Shalikova is wedged into the diver sim cockpit behind Maryan to show her the controls ig, and it's a tight fit, and I'm like YOU SHOULD KISS THE BACK OF HER NECK... NOW!!!!

I'm actually kinda hoping that Maryan gets to pilot a Diver now, if only because it would be incredibly funny. She's so enamoured with the thing and it's charming. Plus, she'd probably make a kickass pilot when she's not all cuttled out =)

Much love to the failson on board the Brigand as well! He can't help that he was born fucked up! My man is literally doing a "NOBODY WILL DEBATE ME LEFTISTS ARE ALL VIOLENT" bit, basically turning into a corncob after Shalikova disregarded him. Watching him subsequently get his face pounded by that security lady's buttstock was deeply satisfying, sorry bucko but The Romanovs Deserved It :::

oh my god why the fuck do i want to out myself to my parents. i haven't been emotionally vulnerable with them like this since i was like 15. they've never respected my emotions. my dad makes casually transphobic jokes all the time. i loved fantasizing about literally never outing myself to my parents and cutting them out of my life why do i keep crying at the idea of outing myself in the next week or so

they're trying to take me to europe on vacation for like 2 weeks. honestly i didn't want to go at first but trying to go through international airport security as a trans woman sounds nightmarish, i'd really rather just not. plus i keep reading too many stories about planes just fucking falling apart mid air to want to board one anytime soon

::: spoiler writing is hard. Ranting I have been questioning my gender (a lot more recently). And I felt it was like a puzzle, and I was slowly putting it together, and I could see the outline of what I think is an egg [of course I question if I am just hallucinating and it isn't an egg]. But I was coming to a halt, I had a problem, I was out of puzzle pieces. I didn't know... what to ask myself to figure it out. Of course the answer is just to go and get the puzzle pieces: TO READ. To understand gender better, who knew. Not me, not this :lib:. :::