I know I just made a post about male failing in the last mega, but it happened again today and when I got home I started crying from happiness.

I was specifically wearing a sweater and jeans from my old, male life, and no make-up, because I was at the post-office picking up a package addressed to deadname and I was worried they would need ID, so I wanted to appear male. Everything is normal until I give my signature, then the guy looks completely confused and asks "deadname is you??", and I realise he thought I was picking up the package for someone else, and I have to explain that it is in fact me and I didn't write the wrong name.

At first I was like why the fuck would this guy be suprised I'm the package recipient when I'm the one picking it up???, then in about a minute I realised it has to be because he thought the name didn't fit me, which could pretty much only be because of gender.

When it happened once last week it could have been a fluke, but now it happened a second time just days later and it feels like it can't be a coincidence. I read so many places to keep your expectations in check and that often you won't see too many changes from HRT until at least 12 months, but it hasn't even been 12 weeks yet. And while I know timelines are very individual, I just internalized that it would take a long time for me because I didn't want to be let down from high expectations, and now I don't know how to deal with this insane amount of gender euphoria.

my trans coworker today who i thought was a soft demsoc: "china good, v*aush bad, cuba good, social democracy is the moderate wing of fascism (came to this conclusion without knowing the quote), market economy bad, socialism good, river to the sea"

me:

down with cis

drive four hours round-trip to get more estrogen before the move

ambushed with surprise labs i couldn't do bc i had just done my injection earlier that same day

come home and open relaxation box to chill out

the box is full of transphobia

NEW MEGATHREAD GET IN NERDS

I have come to a new and considerable conclusion recently: tfw no cat tail, tfw no cat ears. Idk, catgirls just seem to have more fun, and even as a kid I can remeber thinking humans should have tails cause it'd just be better, right? The cat ears seem like a logical addition, of course.

tfw no cat ears tfw no cat tail

my depression hoodie my gym hoodie my dysphoria hoodie

all being the same damn hoodie. to a real one

<-- bearer of the curse (deep ass voice)

I gotta say that this community is the best one I've ever been a part of. You folks put a smile on my face every week. Never change

they lasered my face for the first time today!

the doctor told me that my skin was VERY white, and i was like

hurt like a motherfucker and i still have the awful smell in my nostrils BUT my chin has never been this fucking smooooooth baybeeeeeee!!

Finally on my second E shot and I feel so much better. I'm pretty sure it has more to do with comfort and less to do with anything physiological but w/e i'm vibing and that's what really matters.

I feel like my vocal progress is sooooo slow even though i only really practice in my car on the drive home so of course it's gonna be slow. But stiiiill. It doesn't help that my voice is probably the biggest block i have mentally in terms of furthering my social presentation/transition. I know some trans women rock their testosterone voice but I absolutely can not.

Also i think i'm finally getting over the imposter syndrome-ish feelings around calling myself trans or at least transfem. I'm still unsure if I want to fully embrace transwoman/woman as a label since those feel incredibly loaded and also I don't feel like I deserve them/they suit me? idk this shits hard even after internalizing it all for the last 5 years

ALSO GOT APPROVED FOR ELECTROLYSIS BY MY INSURANCE SO THAT'S SO EXCITING. I just need to get over the adhd hump and actually call the closest place to me to check if they have any openings before actually scheduling anything.

Oh look at the time

Glory to trans woman!

if i'm in a community space and i'm having heaps of emotional labour put onto me, does that make me a heckin' valid woman

yes

it sucks

The doctor that saw me for my pre-op exam for my bottom surgery is a vile bastard.

::: spoiler CW: Strong language and transphobic nonsense Last week I had my pre-op exam for my bottom surgery, which is in 2 weeks from tomorrow. The appointment seemed fine enough aside from one little thing that happened that seemed a little cruel on his part, but it could've been waved off as whatever. Well, today, I got the report that he sent to my surgeon in the mail cause I guess they send out a hard copy to everyone. This absolutely vile piece of fucking garbage misgendered me the entire way through the whole report. He/him everywhere. Just constant misgendering without any thought on his fucking part.This is yet another transgression that this health network has done to me. The following being it.

1. Attempted to force me to see a psychiatrist for HRT
2. Consistent and constant misgendering when talking to staff and making appointments, INCLUDING to make my pre-op exam appointment.
3. Getting misgendered by a doctor to the face with no apology when corrected when I was getting a procedure done late last year.
4. This.

I'm fucking done. I am so livid right now that I can't steady my hands. I intend on calling their internal patient advocacy department tomorrow morning and bitching at them, but highly doubt that anything will come of it. In which case, please feel free to tell everyone and anyone you know to never use any services from Penn State Health. They put on this veneer of acceptance by putting your gender and pronouns in your patient profile (which exacerbates all of my earlier complaints), but in reality it means fucking nothing. Clearly. I did NOT need this today as I'm already being held together with gum and happy wishes. :::

I've been questioning my gender recently and think I might be trans, but I worry that it is for the wrong reasons. I've been depressed for a long time and I'm idealizing womanhood/being a woman as a way out. I dream that through transitioning I will become more inherently lovable, more capable of loving, less lonely, more beautiful, more alive.

More than anything I wish I could 'know' what I'm meant to be, what steps I can take to be happier.

I'm kinda scared I was all wrong all along and am actually cis :(

I scheduled my orchi today!

Body dysphoria suuuuuuuuucks I wish I could easily change things about my body

looking back on it, "idk it's probably the autism" did an extraordinary amount of heavy lifting that kept the egg from cracking, but also like, no, none of it makes sense in hindsight. Autism takes many, many, many forms but I don't think dysmorphia is one of them

Anthrocon is awesome and their registration department is amazing. Very understanding and wonderful.

So my wife and myself have gone to Anthrocon every single year since 2011. It is our only vacation we do for ourselves and we always have a good time. We always get our registration done and over with as soon as possible. Last year we had to skip Anthrocon because of my fiancé’s bottom surgery. Which is fine. They allow deferment for one year, so we deferred it to this year. However, we can’t go this year because of my bottom surgery’s recovery time going right through the convention. I knew it was against policy and messaged them on a whim, being as honest as possible about it. They got back to me today and said they deferred it to next year for me even though it’s against policy. That makes me super happy cause I don't want to flush $220 down the toilet. Still can’t believe they did this for me.

My Endo tripled my HRT injection amount. I did the first large injection last week, and since then it's been interesting. I basically feel really good most of the time except I cry about something ridiculous once or twice a day. Last night it was a really tasty bowl of soup.

I'm happy to be on a higher dose, but I do wonder why they started me so low. I'd been on pills for quite a while. The doctor agreed that it was obvious I should go up, but then why did she start me there in the first place? Having low estrogen is objectively a bigger risk than slightly high estrogen. Idk it just feels a bit incompetent.

I've been trying out different pronouns here, partially to give-myself space to think about gender differently.

I keep coming back to the thought, whats the point of a mamel if you don't have mammary glands. Is that... silly? It feels silly.

Hiiii, hows everybody doing, hopefully good. Anyways have a nice week 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

I was driving that ship but I was too busy transing my gender to pay attention

Sorry everyone

went with a new name/pronouns with the MTG group yesterday. Not super sure about either of them but it was fun to do something new/femme like that

if only John Q. Chucklefuck wouldn't take 20 fucking minutes per turn with his 5 landfalls/turn omnath deck

Idk if it's because I changed my hrt dose/method or because seasonal depression is finally lifting (prob both) but I've felt SO GOOD physically over the last few weeks. Like I'm bubbly and bouncy and loud and I love it.

Also, finally comfortable wearing a dress in public- 2 years into my transition and it finally happened, I get to feel cute now. Interesting how much of my resistance to that was internal- in my most intense period of questioning before the one that led to my egg cracking, I actually bought a dress just to see, and I didn't feel anything and I went back deeper into the closet. It feels like I'm finally getting the feeling I was expecting to get then

Oh also I've been gone from here for a couple months because I was getting really wrapped up in just super intense transmisogymy on tumblr. That part wasn't so good

I just finished Omori. I can't believe I made it to the end. What a fantastic game, but holy hells, and I cannot stress this enough, you need to be of a truly level mind before ever considering to play this game. It earned its psychological horror tag for a reason AND its content warning when you boot it up is there for a reason. HEED THESE WARNINGS IF YOU EVER DESIRE TO PLAY IT.

All that said, the ending made me cry very hard. I don't think I cried that hard about anything pre-HRT. I'm still kinda crying actually and I finished it about an hour ago. Stellar game. Absolutely beautifully crafted piece of art. ;w;

decided i wanted to try masochism about the same week i realized i want to trans my gender. i got an epilator off the internet so now i can do both at the same time!

Saw love lies bleeding. Let me tell all of you, I have not had a greater experience of gender envy than witnessing Jackie on screen. She is so fucking pretty and she's so huge. That right there is my goal and always has been. I need to lift more though, I try to work out every day and the other problem is that she looks so femme while being so ripped where as when I'm ripped I look so masc. But fundamentally we have similar faces I just need more fat on mine, and it was kind of exciting seeing someone so gorgeous with my face shape and jaw line.

Idk. Maybe I should just say fuck it and get huge and keep taking estrogen and just hope it works out.

I'm a certified boykisser with a guy I love very much, but all these wlw couples out and about doing cute girl stuff together got me all wistful-like.

I love hexbear and my trans comrades! It's so cool to have a space where we can just hang out and be unapologetically trans, talking about trans stuff together, share knowledge and all that good stuff!

For instance, two weeks ago or something, some people were talking about hrt injections and I read a comment saying that when they injected too shallow, they got an itchy lump that lasted several days. Now this has been an annoyance I've faced with my injections for awhile and I just assumed there wasn't really anything to do about it. But after I read that comment, I did the experiment and injected at a deeper angle the next two times. And wouldn't you know it, I didn't get an annoying itchy lump after either of these two injections!

I never would have even known there's a solution if some other trans person on here hadn't just mentioned this off-hand! And now because of you wonderful people, I have one less annoyance in my life! Thank you so much to whoever it was who made that comment!

beautiful woman called bottom dysphoria has returned to me... thinking about working on bottom surgery again. Leave it to rereading asumi chan to make me self concious about this lol

A few weeks ago I was reading Gail Simone's Batgirl run (highly recommended by the way) and felt such a flood of glee when Alysia revealed she was trans. I'm very internet poisoned so in my head I was basically like "YOOOO POGGERS DUDE". Revealed later she's some type of wlw too which is even more pog.

Shame their wedding had to happen during the Stewart/Fletcher run, both because it was garbo and because Stewart turned out to be a groomer.

Tactical use of ambiguous language to check if new tinder match is interested in fuckin or just playing guitar

Today is March 27th, which is supposedly when the full medical Examiner's report on the death of Nex Benedict is to be released. I'm pretty suspicious about the suicide claim. Not to put on my tinfoil hat, but The whole thing smells of a coverup to me. It'll be interesting to read the full report though

Anyone have any readings on how to tell if you're some kinda transfem nonbinary sort vs a trans woman with imposter syndrome?

I didn’t like the short haircut I gave myself a few months ago when I first did it, weirdly enough it gave me dysphoria. I felt like it emphasized my femininity somehow. But now that it’s been a while, I’m actually quite enjoying how it’s growing out. It’s getting to that weird length where parts of it will randomly stick up and it looks different every day. And it feels more masc than it did when it was shorter, for some reason. It’s enjoyable looking in the mirror and seeing hair that belongs to me rather than a stranger.

My parents keep telling me to cut my hair lmao

HEARTBREAKING: EMOTIONALLY OVER-INVESTED PUPPYDOG DEEPLY SADDENED THAT HER DIVER PILOT BUDDY DOES NOT FLIRT WITH HER

Yeah look at all this fucking restraint, I didn't even clog both megas with like 75 comments. You cannot envision the sheer willpower I'm expending just to not embarrass myself.

::: spoiler Light spoilers for Unjust Depths 6.0-6.5 So the juice is at its juiciest (also the amount of characters who fit the description of "sad lonely sexy milf" is rising) and the Iron Lady has been tailing the Brigand, which I was like OOOOOOOOOO the hype thrusters are at maximum along with the TENSION, it's not all that clear before this where Gertrude stands, but now I'm thinkin' it's probably just left of "d*generates like you belong on a cross" :3

Mostly I get that from her exchange with Yana, which also had my adoration of Yana increasing exponentially with her sass:

"Inquisitor, as kinky as it sounds, that's just not my idea of a good time. Such handsomeness as you possess is wasted completely if you can't read what your partner wants from you. I would not be surprised to find out you've been quite unlucky in love if this is how you flirt with a gorgeous older woman the first chance you get."

Which is incredible, wtf I love Yana, but it gets even better when Gertrude flips out and says "You bastards; you fucking animals; you'll desist at once. At once!" She just wants her gf back y'know

Also I'm enjoying the Certified Diver Gang® more and more, it's so cute how they all dorkily applaud and approve of Murati's tactical planning. Getting to see them work together in the field is great, I mean when Kajida calls Valya a "good little enby"? Superb stuff, no notes. :::

Unjust Depths is kind of gender, sometimes. When Karuniya calls Murati "husband material", after I quit freaking out, I was like "...huh. The female husband? New concept to think abt "

::: spoiler Just more spoiler-free Unjust Depths, talkin' villains I think Prince Erich von Fueller is a comedy villain, honestly. He's the heir apparent to a literal empire which is currently boiling over with nascent fascist movements, and he commands the massive, aggressive Great Western Fleet full of Irmingard dreadnoughts and such... but he is a boykisser (also, the fact that so far the only male gay is an evil badguy is very funny)

And no harsh to our evil boykissers, we love to see them! Critical support to evil boykissers! But Erich isn't selling me on his being a brutal, iron-fisted ruler of the imperium, because right after he goes 'IMPUDENT SLAVES, we will be your masters again, a quick slap will SHOW YOU YOUR PLACE!!!' he turns to his pet evil twink and says 'My beloved, thou art the most beautiful creature human eyes have yet beheld... I shall give you a kingdom and more...' like, just the fact that he seems to be primarily motivated by his endless devotion to a pretty boy is incredibly funny to me. I am looking forward to having him back in the plot c: :::

My fiancee decided we're on a break. She still lives with me (we have separate rooms already) and my heart hurts so bad. I'd go into more detail but I forget how to spoiler stuff so I can cw shit

i think a lot of the reason i loved dead kennedys so much as an egg was that jello biafra seemed to view masculinity as a death cult in a way i strongly related to but couldn't point to why, and that it felt like no one else saw

::: spoiler CW for casual(?) transphobia

Yeah so my shitty manager just left an e-mail up on their computer knowing I'd see it and now I know one of the managers that asked about my pronouns is still misgendering me.

I have no idea what I was thinking going back into such a conservative-adjacent industry like hotels, but I'm really thinking about walking out at this point. :::

finally used the Union Medico Super Grip 90 needle guide! note I'll be referring to it as a needle guide, not an autoinjector – it's technically referred to as both by the manufacturer, but since you still have to manually press down the syringe's plunger, needle guide feels more accurate to me.

downsides:

it seems to keep about 1/8" of the needle outside the skin, which isn't an issue with the needles I'm using, but I could see being problematic if the needles you use are just long enough. I figured this was a non-issue, since I have 5/8" needles that work great at 45 degrees, so 90 degree and only ~1/2" of insertion seems fine. it was a bit fiddly to get the syringe into the device without touching the needle to anything, but I figured out a little trick: pull the needle guide plunger back, leave the cap on the injection needle, attach the syringe to the needle guide, release the needle guide plunger, remove the cap, and then pull the plunger back again. I did get a bit of bleeding after today's injection, but I think that's because I chose my injection site poorly, not the fault of the needle guide. I think next time I'm gonna try stretch the skin under the injector slightly before pressing the release button, which supposedly minimizes bleeding and leakage. I don't love that it only officially works with BD syringes, since generic brands like AHS and Exelor have syringes for 40-60^ cheaper than BD, but even BD syringes are only 50 cents apiece, or ~$26 for a year's supply (although I get 1ml BD Luer-Lock syringes free from my pharmacy, which is nice). I did get a pack of all the adaptors they sell, and plan to eventually order a few other syringe options and see if they can be fit into one of the existing syringe attachments.

upsides:

that was the least-painful needle insertion I have ever done or had done. I slide open the safety, pushed the button, and legit wondered if it had even gone in. but it did, and the rest of the injection went smoothly. removing the needle and the needle guide was a breeze – I opted to just pull the whole contraption out to pull the needle out, although you can pull the needle guide plunger back to keep the needle hidden from yourself until you dispose of it (I may try this out of curiosity next time, it just sounded like a finicky process today).

my overall thoughts:

• it's a bit fiddly to get the syringe and needle into the device, but I found a way to do so safely and easily.
• it does effectively reduce the length of your needles, so keep that in mind.
• it almost completely removes needle insertion pain, which was incredible.
• it effectively hides the needle from the use at the time of actual injection, although of course you'll still have to see it and deal with needles for draw-up and attaching the syringe to the needle guide.
• removal of the entire device in one go was easy, and I'll try the other removal method next week.
• it does only officially fit BD syringes, so keep that in mind (and you have to pick the syringe attachment you want at the time of ordering, or make a special request to get the other attachments included).

::: spoiler Dumb Bullshit, medical stuff, UnjustDepthsPosting Idk It's slightly disquieting that in Unjust Depths' Union, as of 959 AD, parents still have the final say in whether or not their kids get blockers or hormones... haha yeah man, just like in real life, right

I've really been enjoying that Depths is pretty much a fantasy setting where transphobia is borderline extinct, so this line of thinking during this flashback was like... ow, man, fuck. Why Easily the most depressing beat yet. My immediate reaction was that I wanted to punch Deshnov or whatever his name is in the throat. 'Let you get on those medications', fuck off and die old man, what no materialism and supporting the previous regime does to a mf... :::

7th session of laser on my chest and stomach. My nips feel like they hath been kissed by the sun.

UNJUST DEPTHS IS AMAZING AHHHHHHHH

::: spoiler Unjust Depths musings (At 6.8) Okay so is Gertrude just planning to abandon poor Ingrid, or is she going to play both her and Elena somehow, or is she poly...? What's the angle here, miss High Inquisitor?

Also the "Her friend's tail hit the bed with a rhythmic "wump, wump"" is forever funny to me, I love Ingrid lmao. She's so gruff and crass. :::

Instagram is just so transphobic it makes me want to die

::: spoiler Unjust Depths... Ayo... I wasn't real prepared for that dream Shalikova had. That was definitely a thing that occured. Did Maryam use her lil psionics to do that? With the uh tentacles, and the whole... 'Cause that's super fucked up, kinda. Like...

I don't think I like or trust Maryan anymore. Suspect tentacles and preachy motivations for psionic manipulation. :::

::: spoiler Just more Unjust Depths! Okay I love how Norn is a comically evil badlady, but she still has the presence of mind to give Adelheid shit about her reductive views on gendered parentage and narrow worldview in general. Father-slash-mother, what an absolute queen(imperial loyalist)! :::

keep getting gender envy from increasingly strange sources

oh my fucking god i have a girl name and she/her pronouns now oh god oh fuck

for as long as i can remember i never liked my name but i could never find any masc or unisex name that fit but even just getting used to a new, femme name and i'm already getting flustered just referring to myself as that in my own head

::: spoiler Unjust Depths, no spoilers just vibing!

"Sonya this is silly! We're both girls!" Maryam said.

Shut up you cuttlefish bitch smh. Stay cuttlequiet. There is literally not a heterosexual soul onboard this vessel. Everyone is a homo and by volume I'm betting over 50% trans, too.

It catches me constantly and pleasantly offguard, I don't think I've ever met a... webnovel? book? anything really, where the cast is literally majority transbians. I keep assuming that various people are cis, and being proven spectacularly wrong. Shalikova? Norn? Fucking idiot, turns out it was GENDER all along! It's splendid, I still have my guard up by default for transphobia 'cause I'm weird (please don't read the books I've read) but there's no need, and it's really refreshing; a gay trans superiority setting. Very gratifying being normalised for once. :::

::: spoiler Unjust Depths, on 7.5

Woah Hunter III's leviform detransformation/shedding is hardcore as fuck, uncritical support to the meat-machine death salamander which is actually a small lady. Body horror CW did not disappoint, who needs a diver when you can become a many-eyed sinewy sea monstrosity???

Anyway, dear Potomac, engineer for Norn, please stop doing psychomechanical synchronisation of pilot and diver, I have watched NGE and know where this is going. Yes I do appreciate that you say "normies", in quotes, without irony, but you cannot continue with this brain plug stuff using grey matter grown from stem cells =) Divers should not bleed on their pilots or cause hallucinations!

Having said all of that though, Potomac's presence and commentary does make the Sunlight foundation considerably more interesting. Kind of split between being weird traditionalists (WE MUST RETVRN TO HUMANITY'S NATURAL PLACE) and technofetishists (WE WILL DO IT WITH WEIRD PSIONICS MACHINES AND TRANSHUMANISM), very based. I was wondering what they were up to after they were introduced in like book 2, so it is neat to see that they have more going on. The way Potomac discusses its members makes it sound like the Sunlight foundation is an autism guild, a place where people do socially unacceptable special interest stuff, which is incredibly funny.

::: spoiler Woah absolute filth!! Adelheid walks into Norn's room like 'Word around the Antenora is you've got a fat cock.' Lmao.

I hadn't even considered questioning whether or not "all Katarran women have one" so uh, gee thanks Adelheid... I wonder what kind of gene shenanigans cause that as an occasional by-accident thing though. Does also leave me wondering about the status of queer and especially trans issues generally in the Empire? It feels obvious that they'd all be genderfash under the Fueller regime, but like... so many Imperials of all stations are gay so uh Idk. Adelheid's attitude is sort of, uh, weird I guess. "I think you'e beautiful, all of you is"...? Uh huuuuuh?

Fwiw the following scene is considerably enhanced by seeing Norn smash her head against the shower wall in self-contempt! Goes on for fucking ever though, it feels like.

:::

I'm starting to see misogyny around the site and it's starting to concern me. Just seems casual and here and there, but it's getting upvoted, which concerns the hell out of me.

::: spoiler Unjust Depths, just starting 7.3 We uh... we're gonna be stuck with Norn for the entirety of book 7, aren't we. We gotta go an entire book without any of the funny homos onboard the Brigand, don't we. It's gonna be painful, isn't it

Look right, I like Hunter III as much as anybody loves an emaciated meat-starved little seer gay, but not enough to abandon Shalikova for an entire book's worth!

I'm also not sure I get Norn. Aside from "My bridge crew are DRONES my first officer is my PLAYTHING" yeah yeah, evil lady, she actually seems to have a really healthy disdain for the Imbrian Empire and everything it stands for, the royalty and so on. So wtf is she doing still schmoozing around rear admirals and shit when the government has broken down? Surely her indiscrete homosexual life would be better served literally anywhere else.

:::