I bought an outfit for my vrchat avatar and tried it on last night. I had no idea I would spend an hour doing spins in front of a mirror and spazzing out because I was so cute. It was an incredible experience and it's the first time I've ever dressed like that, virtual or irl. If I wasn't sure before, I am now. My friend popped into my home world while I was spinning around and dancing. He said he's never seen me smile that much (I have face tracking so it's pretty obvious to see how I'm feeling). I should find a clip of it cause I don't think I've ever looked as happy as I did. Vrchat is an incubator for eggs.

Edit: So I'm gonna go about 4000000 miles outside of my comfort zone and post this. https://streamable.com/jt1nz3

Hiii, I hope everyone had a great week and will have a better week than last too!!! 🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰

🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

breaking bad but it's grey market estrogen

You use the local trans discord as a base for your polycule.

I use the local trans discord to ask questions about how to use Linux.

We are not the same.

Leggings, cold shoulder top, loose knit cardigan, full beard. This is my life

after years i have reached the point where i can't simply pull on a tight shirt without actively working it over my boobs

I badly misread the title of this post.

we really gotta invent the boob transfer machine. there's so many trans girls who could use my boobs better than i ever could

::: spoiler Been having a rough time of it lately. My brain doesnt work good; i cant fulfill the prerequisites for existence in this world. Im trying to find a job and housing, but it just doesnt work in my brain.

And how can i live with other people? "Hi potential roomie, i would love to live with you! Oh and btw i might get random intense mood swings, see things once in a while and then insist we have no standing water in the house cause thats how she gets in and I dont want to experience her right now, but wait an hour and everything will be fine again. etc. etc." like who tf wants to live with a crazy person whose only tangentially connected to reality?

And even beyond that, my brain doesnt work right. I know I have to do things, but i cant do them. Whether fun things or not, i think about them constantly, feeling terrible im not doing them, and still dont do them. I just dont function. I have housing until the end of march, but after that im not sure what will happen. I was confident I could find somewhere to live by then, but the people in my life are saying ive already failed at it, and tbh theyre not wrong. Im just not capable. It took me 1½ months to fix my social security and drivers license. It should have taken a week, max. Idk, im just kinda done trying. I try and I fail, if i dont try i fail, all roads lead to rome. :::

Anyway, idk how thats related to being trans, aside from that im trans.

Besides all that I have some friends who are nice, they keep me sane. Gonna hopefully expand my social circle a bit this week, but might crash out at the last second cause of the aforementioned brain not working right.

I hope everyone else is having a better time of things. Sorry for bringing everything down 😓

The exercises meant for my hips and ass are working splendidly. Reports from my wife and girlfriend apparently have me gaining a much more obvious hourglass shape and at least some semblance of an ass. I will continue these with more gusto than I have previously. If about 3 weeks will do this, then imagine what an entire year will do. I will have a proper figure damn it.

You know, being trans really sucks a lot of the time, but today I am happy and proud to be trans. HRT is doing its magic, I've been loosing weight, I'm standing up for myself more and demanding people use my actual name, and slowly day by day becoming more and more comfortable being me.

::: spoiler rant/dysphoria I hate chuds so much. In school, I have to listen to both the students and the teachers spew out the most vile garbage I have ever heard in my entire life. But whenever I try to push back against their bullshit I’m the weird one, the one that’s unhinged, every single god damn time, the students are flabbergasted and flustered whenever I even try to introduce one iota of human empathy into anything at all. The teachers are even worse, they just cut me off and try to insert their own dog shit, fascistic ideology into what I have said, trying to shame away the empathy from me. It makes bash my head into a wall. It’s so exhausting to hear everyone's bullshit 24/7. All of this is not helped at all by all the dysphoria i have built up. My voice is disgusting, my body revolting, my legs look like gorilla legs, mu arm hair is awful, my hair is still short, looking at myself in the mirror makes me want to vomit. And i definitely don't have anyone irl to talk to or process this shit with. I cant talk to anyone at all around me, not honestly. All this makes me feel like im dying, I wish I could cry, but I can't, and im so sad and so tired and i know i cant do a single god damn thing about it. I don't know how much longer I can live this way, not long. ::: IDK why i decided to post this, i guess I just need to vent to some one.

I came out to one of my best friends this evening. We're neighbors and he walks around the neighborhood every night. He's always asking me to join "walkin club" so I took him up on the offer tonight as an excuse to tell him. I still waited until the very end because I was anxious. But I was worried about nothing because he was fine with it. Absolutely a non-issue.

Life is shockingly good right now and idk how to feel about that.

• I'm finally on the waitlist for top surgery (downside is that it's 1.5-2+ years before I'll be having surgery, if I want it funded by public healthcare. Also downside is they're suggesting that I reduce my BMI, which is just awesome with my history of dieting and disordered eating. . I might go private, partly to avoid the waitlist (2 years is way too long), partly to possibly avoid getting annoying diet talk from my GP (the public surgeon sent her a letter asking her to reduce my weight, basically, lol)
• I have a job lined up for after graduation, and came out to them about being trans. They were mostly supportive and cool, though a tiny bit boomer (I will probably have to educate them some, which sucks, but is also inevitable in my industry). One staff member did misgender me last time I was there, so next time I'm coming with a name tag with my manly new name (I mostly go by a shortened version which is fairly gender neutral, the full version is definitely considered a male name) and pronoun pins. Hopefully that will help. I need a beard.
• I'm getting so close to being Out everywhere. I just need to come out to my in-laws and an aunt and uncle, so they don't get to freak out about finding out via the grapevine or social media or something.
• I'm dating a cis woman who is married to a trans woman and it's SO WILD to be dating a woman in a straight way, and absolutely amazing to be dating someone who has already been "cooked" in terms of cis people being educated about trans stuff. She's so incredible at affirming my gender. The downside is idk how to feel about discovering this straight side of myself. It's kind of disturbing and makes me feel unsettled. Also I'm discovering new ways to trigger dysphoria, which is annoying. Like I can be with a guy and not wear a binder and if I feel his flat chest on my tits it's kind of just neutral. But feeling someone else's tits on my tits is like. A big reminder that I have tits, and very unpleasant. So I have to wear a binder all the time with her, which sucks because I already bind way more than you're supposed to. But overall this new relationship is very fun and good.

Idk why I used bullet points for such massive paragraphs. I think those are all the good trans news I've got going on.

incredibly happy right now. i think things are gonna end up really good

annoying day, kinda giving me a headache. got talked down to by cis men about my problems and then had a conversation made weirdly uncomfortable by my own so just kinda mreh

Sometimes I think "I wish someone told me how rad it is to be trans" like 5 years ago when I thought about it and went straight to fear and denial. I thought it would be so hard (it is) and it would suck (it does not suck it is awesome)

making dumplings today with my family for Chinese New Year. my goal for the Year of the Dragon is to finally start HRT!

Feeling shitty about living generally

But some people make it better

I told the cashier at my local 7-11 about how much I loved watching Victoria Monet's live performance and she was very receptive so it was nice

I just wish people would stop asking me if I have a penis

Like

I'm hot and I pass, they just wanna know how much to fetishize me (the answer is more if I say I do have a penis)

Fortunately I dealt with nobody today at work so that made things easy

I hope things get better

Just got a discord server I'm in to implement a pronouns bot. Truly, I am the vanguard of trans rights.

all my favourite fighting game characters have oppressive movesets that make the opponent block and are unreasonably safe and high damage

unrelated, i'm a top

Just found out that my entire extended family apparently now knows that I am trans? It's not entirely clear, but the reaction seems positive. They mostly just seem to shrug and accept it.

I got an nb/gf and am very happy. I hadn’t talked to them much before last year, but I apparently made them a commie due to regular propaganda long before they asked me out.

I'm in a better place mentally than I think I ever have been before, will be 1 year on HRT next month, and am going back to school to finish my degree later this year. Just doing really well ☺️

new bit: flashmobbing a anti-abortion pregnancy center with all my trans sisters after eating a ton of taco bell so we can see our food babies on ultrasound

there needs to be more transgender yuri manga

currently i can only think of:

• double house (really good, only 4 chapter though)
• hello melancholic (transness is subtext, but imo pretty much undeniable that minato is trans. read it and you'll see what i mean)
• kashimashi girl meets girl (magical transformation, not textually trans but she accepts being magically turned into a girl very easily)

i know there's some i'm forgetting, since i am very seepy, but there should be way more. wandering son maybe counts? i should reread it

Starting to question gender now... confusion

idk, I guess I will do whatever makes me happy but I think I like to keep a femboy label. I definitely want HRT but it's gonna be a long-ass wait for that...

i need more trans women to flirt with...

I'm going to go see a therapist for the first time in my life today. My stomach is in knots. I don't know why I'm so worked up over it. I usually get nervous before any Drs visit, but today is a hundred times worse.

So like I had an amazing weekend last weekend. I actually told a coworker I'm trans, this is the first cis coworker that knows. I had to tell him cause he wanted to jam and play music, and so did I, but that's outside of work which means I'm def not gonna boymode. He was SO normal about it. Just super accepting and very cool. We had like a 3 hour jam sesh with another trans friend of mine and it was pretty amazing. Then I went to a rave that night which was absolutely flawless and I looked and felt incredible. Yesterday I told my long time friend that I'm trans too, he lives across the country so we don't see eachother. He said he loved and accepted me so that's good. Lots of good things happening really

Any progress on how I see myself and how I want to be has been utterly arrested by continued unemployment and money trouble and it really really sucks. All my time in therapy is spent venting and worrying about how I'm going to survive. Any of the companies I'm applying to could fix this at the drop of a hat, but I guess I don't have enough worth to businesspeople for that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Gods, I feel terrible about my body. I actually got a good look at myself and my upper body just looks miserable. Not only am I broadchested, but my boobs are very separated. Having a 38DD don’t mean shit in this frame. Not only that, but my stomach is all kinds of fucked thanks to a lazy tummy tuck I had done a few years ago. The doctor outright told me that he didn’t do a full job because he expected me to have a mastectomy done (this was before my egg cracked; I’ve had some form of breasts since I was 12 years old). So I still have saggy skin in the oddest places that does not flatter me in the slightest. It is causing me an intense amount of psychic damage right now and I’m just miserably depressed from it.

I really don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. I wish things would calm down in my life a little so I could breathe for once. Managing two relationships with a ton of travel, managing my own life, and taking care of the house is just making me incapable of resting. I genuinely hate it sometimes.

remembering more trans yuri i'd forgotten. the options are kinda dire but there is some stuff. there's a bit more if you expand into het, but even so there isn't much

• those 2 chapters of mermaid line (handle the trans stuff clumsily but idk how much of that is the manga being from 2009 or the translation being from 2009)
• wandering son (focus isn't the relationship but the main character is a trans lesbian who does get a girlfriend)
• a manga about a hero who pulled out the holy sword and became a girl (just a 4koma but it's there)

waddup trans homies

It's been a very big week but I'm here for it

uhh gay

The local cafe is really trans friendly and has cool people chilling there regularly. It just makes me happy that I've found my hang now.

after a while, anti-treat discourse is just treat discourse for cynical contrarians

Shit almost forgot to post.

I just wish I could be more flamboyant and campy, living in the Bible Belt south there's not a lot I can get away with.

I don't think the way I look and have looked all my life is that bad or unattractive, but like, I look in a mirror and just don't recongise myself. My image of myself in my head is so far divorced from my actual appearance

I got the result of my first blood tests since starting HRT and my testosterone levels were 1.2 nmol/L, things are happening. Really happy to see monotherapy is working as intended and I don't need to worry about an anti-androgen.

Lately I've had this thought like, you only desire (or allow yourself to desire) the things you believe you could reasonably get. Like I used to think I was a pretty frugal person that didn't like to buy a bunch of junk, but when I actually had disposable income I found I did have a lot of frivolous things I wanted to buy. Like I was just saying I didn't like frivolous things as cope when I couldn't have them. I think my gender stuff is like that, I think because I wouldn't ever afford all the surgery and medications and doctors, not to mention dealing with the anxiety and social aspects of it, I just don't allow myself to feel that way and suppress it. I just think like, who would I even be doing it for, maybe that's just something you should accept and be okay with. Like if I, as a man, was losing my hair to male pattern baldness I feel like the response most people would give is "why are you taking drugs to change something like that, why not just accept it?" or "you know plugs don't even look that good, it's just facsimile hair, you'll waste your money and it won't feel the same and people will be able to tell the difference". Then I think like, even if I had been born one way I'd still just be trans in the other direction, like I just wouldn't comfortable in any body. If the tech was there to put your brain in a computer and leave your body behind I'd be one of those people.

finally feeling a bit better about doing my injections. really struggled at first

This week I have my first appointment with an Endocrinologist, was apparently very lucky lwith my region and timing, since just a year ago one required like a b}nch of papers from psychologists for hormone treatment.

Also feeling so-so, since I am in an environement where I am constantly (mis)gendered. I feel like I am backsliding into thinking I am a guy, and it is not a good feeling. But it's only for two more days.

I want to meet more local trans people, but the last attempt did not go so well. One said we had to keep out refugees because the boat is full, another was extremly sectarian, called me a tankie and a fgnocide denier and everything (over the take that the USSR was actually socialist and should be learnt from) which felt pretty bad.

Also another local trans group has split intp two(men and women) for some reason noone can explain to me.

I can maybe get access to some different regional groups, and look if they are less sectarian. I know a trans guy who is active with the local trots, maybe a possible adress.

Writing selfinsert fic about myself and bayonetta except she teaches me how to Tetsuzanko in a totally platonic manner so I can chuck people through plate glass windows whenever I want

i am tired and depressed and tired of being tired and depressed

going to be getting on a plane to visit my partner in like two weeks

I’m giving up on the idea of transitioning again.

Asking my ex-wife for shopping and fashion tips is not something I had on my 2024 bingo card but here we are.

I found a voice therapy class for free over zoom, its nights, so hopefully I'm able to skip out on work to try it out. Didn't know they had things like that available for free, and with voice I need all the help I can get.

satoshi kon movies ranked by how Gender they are

paprika > tokyo godfathers > perfect blue > millennium actress

weirdly i like his movies more the less gender there is

I don't have it in me to play touhou in a major way but watching someone else go for subterranean animism 1cc is thrilling. game's fucked!

my new position at work is basically the equivilent of doing hardcore bodyweight exercise for 8 to 9 hrs a day.

so yeah cool i should be able to get paid to get my stats perfect for whatever intake process i start in the next 6 to 12 mos assuming my state doesn't go full fash

not cool is i can already feel the testosterone starting to flood back in. thinking about getting on an oral hair loss drug (anyone ever tried one of those 15 minute online doctors?) because i know once i start doing intense muscle workouts my hair starts trying to run off.

how well does the oral med work? heard it may actually bring back the old hair line

If I am not constantly dysphoric or euphoric I start to feel like I’m not trans. It always comes back. But it also always feels like I’m finally “over” it.

I switched to a safety razor because I was tired of spending a fortune on cartridges, and after my first shave with it my legs feel just incredibly smooth, but they are also bleeding from like 4 different places.

Is crying in dating profile pictures still a faux pas? Or is it basically a normie filter and leaving only the cool people?

Psychedelic trans music or Psytrans if you will

new unjust depths chapter just dropped and i am getting everything i want forever.

::: spoiler spoiler homa and elena are having feelings! shalikova and maryam are having a nice time at the arcade with shalikova's rival! and then... cliffhangers :::

I could use a little advice from other transfems here. So like, pre-transition, I did a lot of lifting. I'm not huge by any stretch but I have an athletic, inverted triangle body. Like, your classic "masculine" kinda thing, semi large pecs, semi large biceps, all that stuff. For the past 2 months when on HRT I haven't been doing any upper body workout because I kinda wanna shrink it, but like, idk. Does working our your upper body really prevent muscle shrinkage /atrophy? Or does no T basically overcome that? Did anyone do anything like this through transition?

Can someone tell me whythe IEEE1394 Fiewire logo is just a stealth cyberpunk version of the trans symbol, ty.

I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in-between phases forever... I was lucky enough to have work insurance to get stage one done but I lost my job and I haven't been able to get another one that offers insurance. I feel like a freak, I'm starting to not want to be naked with my husband anymore either. It's been a year since stage one, stage 2 was supposed to be 6 months after... I don't know what to do. Hundreds of applications, declined by all of them.

Not having trans people in my life (bar my wife, and thank fuck for her) is draining but socialising causes HEAVY psychic damage and I haven't seen a real good trans, space, thing. Maybe there are some on a discord alternative or something? Idk

::: spoiler Despair I looked at a selfie I took day 1 of HRT and compared to how I look today the only differences are that I now have less acne and I know how to style my hair, but I still look just as male after nearly two years what's the fucking point

I still get constantly misgendered no matter what I do or how I dress :::

the jamie/marisa matchup is so fun. I love trying to tear holes in that nerd's offense and catching him taking a swig without eating the reversal.

A couple times today I had people run out of meter, walk backwards for 5-6 seconds in recovery, and then dump out the level 3 when I got too aggressive?? funky stuff

Watched both Striking Vipers and San Junipero tonight. I watched striking vipers when it came out (black mirror episode) while I was very much an egg in denial and remember it making me feel SUPER weird.

San Junipero will remain the best black mirror episode. It is so beautiful and so queer even if the acting and writing is a little hokey or corny. We just love Sapphic relationships. I was crying for like half the episode 🥲

my patches have chosen violence today 😩